For the girls

[Pisces]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone has found that the alcohol related problems come from having not just a genetic predisposition but also from having low self esteem from childhood difficultes. If anyone has read my previous posts, you would know that for all intents and purposes I'm quite intelligent, hold a good job, live in a lovely home on the beautiful south coast of Oz, surrounded by beautiful beaches, I have great kids that are doing well, and don't want for anything. And I say this, not being a man basher, I have a wonderful son and son-in-law, but I find I have no idea when it comes to finding a partner. I think this has scared me (and I've had a couple of violent ones, and they have left their mark), but even though I try to be confident I seem to attract men who want to control and dominate me, the most recent was kind and generous at the start, and then turned to hating my friends, (only one of whom I would drink with) resenting my family, to the point that if I moved in he didn't want us to have a computer, always questioned me about any male I had come into contact with, and I guess basically wanted to control me. It breaks my heart that we are breaking up, but the alarm bells are ringing too loudly to ignore. My dad to this day does not contact me, only through mum does he ever say hi, and that's at her prodding. He was a horrible dad, and I guess I've answered my own question, but how do I break out of this and find a partner who genuinely cares about me, not just what they expect and want from me, do they exist? I give my love unconditionally, or at least that is my aim, but why is love for me always conditional? thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

And thanks to everyone who has replied to my posts, you support has been priceless. My love to you all.

Jasmin

[Bella]

For the girls

Hello jasmin. I can relate to your post. I had a messed up childhood and was witness to very violent behaviour for years. I saw things that a small child and teenager should not see. I used to hide often. I think because or this I am under confident, have v low self esteem and this all lead to WHY i drink. Escapism. I have only just realised this from having counselling, so that is great for me and things now make sense. However, I always chose boyfriends who were strong, mentally. Perhaps to make up for my lacking strength? I think so. I have a very loving husband but he is fairly controlling. I have known this ever since i met him but wanted him to take control because i couldn't control myself. We have been together 7 years and i am feeling more and more in control of my life now, (as i am not drinking at mo.) and i am able to Not let him be in charge now as i have more self confidence. Drinking kept my confidence down. Fortunately. i think we are moving forward together as he really is a wonderful supportive man and doesn't mind being put in his place sometimes!

I think there are some men who thrive on controlling their partner if they see a weakness.
It is time to believe in ourselves as no one can do that for us. It is hard to be confident and think we are worth something but i strongly believe this can be worked on. We can be the person we want to be, but it takes alot of hard work. I have lived my whole life believing other people to be better people than myself and having terrible insecurities and its exhausting! Childhoods have alot to anwser for don't they!!!

You will find a partner, you sound like a very kind, emotional person. You just need to start believing in yourself and expect only the best for yourself. B xx

[Guest]

For the girls

Jas, I don't want to make this about me. I know what you are going through. You can read my posts. What happened when I met my husband I went totally against type. Before him I had been married twice and engaged 7. All controlling some abusive. I was not attracted to my husband physically and he was younger than me but, he had a good sense of humor. He loved me for me' no strings, I just think leave all options open. I grew to love my husband not that red hot passion. Just that deep caring that I think runs deeper. if you want to email me please do and I will explain further.
Smiles for you
M