Vent Away...

[briseus]

People say that the definition of insanity is when you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome each time. Are we insane?
Mind you, we aren't expecting anything different each time we pick up...I mean, we know what we are setting ourselves up for. But why is it that I wake up in the morning and think to myself "Why can't I be like everyone else? Why does this have to be happening to me? Where did it all go horribly wrong?" And each time, I begin my day with renewed vigor to just stop picking up...but by 5pm when work is out and I am tired and too much shit has been running through my head all day I still end up going to the fridge and grabbing that bottle. And each time I think to myself "maybe this time I'll drink differently"...it never happens...I still overdo it.
I also like to think that I don't have a problem...that I am still young (although I am getting up there now) and that I will grow out of it. That it is my party years that I am "catching up" on.
On the way to work today I realize that I am not only making the decision to destroy my life but the lives that are involved with mine too.
I mean, when you live with someone you often adopt one another's characteristics, traits, habits, etc...
So when I go out and buy that gawddamn wine I am not the only one suffering. Of course I don't MAKE my boyfriend drink...but if it wasn't there he wouldn't bother...not only am I wreaking havoc on my own body but I have my fingers in the pot stirring around whatever things could possibly be happening in my boyfriend's body. That's not to say that it is my fault...but I am a part of it. Just like he is a part in my problems as well.
I said that I was doing well, and I am. I am happier...there are things of course that I would like to change. That's life, who doesn't...I have a full-time job that I really like (my bosses are amazing), I am a full-time student now, studying something that I am really passionate about (nutrition, than again, what nutritionist is also an 'alcoholic'), I have adopted an amazing puppy...but when I get shitfaced every night that takes away from my time with him. I wake up groggy and think "where did the time go?" the time was always there...I just allow it to be robbed from me by booze.
The time was always there...is always there...I am letting it just GO...I am not making memories...I am creating black holes...this is so utterly depressing. How could I let it go this far? Get this bad?

And as I sit here...scared, anxious, a little more determined...I am still effing afraid that I am going to go home and drink anyway.

Just a little vent sesh for this Wednesday morning.
Sorry...it seems like a journal entry or something. But I just needed to get this off my chest.

-Bri.


I also want to add...when looking at these boards more and more arguing and bs is going on...
We're all scared, confused, frustrated, anxious, stressed, busy, angry...
But we also all love, care, are kind, are compassionate and are really trying to make an effort to change. We are all here, aren't we? So let's stop the arguing and the "you're doing this wrong, you should be doing this instead"...everyone has their own paths. We should be helping one another...not turning one another away.
One day we'll get this...until then...we should just be...there.

[Struggles 106]

Vent Away...

Hey Bris

I have not seen any of the bs in a while but it can be annoying. I agree there.

I liked your venting. I think it's important to do that now and then. And it's nice to have a place to do it.

You are right in thinking of the effects of your drinking on others. Whoever is in your world is affected by it. It changes you. It makes you different than you would be sober.
For me it has taken a LONG time to start forgiving myself for drunken nonsense.
Something that has helped me ( this is repetitive I know) is thinking it through.
Fast forward from the first beer at 6 pm to 10 pm after 8 beers. Really sickening if you allow yourself to see this clearly.

I also understand your fear. I was terrified many times that I simply could not stop. But I could, you can , and I'll bet you will. Keep trying

[NoraC]

Vent Away...

Briseus - This is a great post/vent. It could have been written by me. It is very powerful because it describes me so well. Thank you for sharing. I have been doing well also but I could be doing better.......just like you.
Let's do this. We are so close to where we want to be. :h:h

[RunningCourage]

Vent Away...

Briseus,

Damn you. I was suppose to go do some work and then i just has to go and read your brilliant post. Take away the fact that you're female, I'm male; you have a puppy, I have... eh, I don't have a puppy. Then, well, pretty much every thought you wrote was what I thought between the ages of 25 and... 33. (Before 25, I still drank lots and with all the bad habits, but I don't think I thought about it).

Briseus, you are smart - I've read some of your posts and you are very articulate, intelligent and eloquent. You understand yourself largely. You know the relationship you have with the bottle is problematic. And this is half the battle - many don't realise their own problem. Why? Perhaps because they surround themselves with problem drinkers, or live in a culture, that celebrates, accepts, tolerates the act of drinking AL.

You say: "Why can't I be like everyone else? Why does this have to be happening to me?" I wonder Bri, whether actually, you are more like others than you realise. That it's not just happening to you. AL is SO addictive. Alcohol problems are, in part, a culturally perpetuated problem. Increasingly I look at others around me and wonder..."actually do you go home and have a bottle of wine also? Do you lie when you say you cracked open a bottle and had a glass with dinner, and really had the whole bottle - and then some"?

I reckon there are many. It aint just happening to you. But you are one of the few who realise it for what it is and want to take action, have taken action before and sure as hell can take action again.

And please vent as much as you like. They click with me. I relate.

RC

[Alcoholic]

Vent Away...

Is this a thread we can vent about anything that's annoying to us? Wow, what a great idea! But I would be on here forever!

[RingingCedars]

Vent Away...

Hi there Bris, alcohol is a respecter of no persons. It does not discriminate. How lucky we are eh?:H

I've been to many trade shows(national health affairs) and there was plenty partying going on in the evenings. If fact, suppliers competed with each other to put on the best do to capture potential clients. I only every attended one of them. I'm not a smoozer. That's not to say all who partied hardy had a problem. What particularly sort of baffled me was the number of smokers running outside the building to puff away. I guess that's why they had a particular interest in healthy ways to ward off the negative effects.

Don't waste time beating yourself up and overthinking the whys too much. Put your strength into action. You are on the right track and can do it. :l

[Slaythefear]

Vent Away...

RC quote: "You say: "Why can't I be like everyone else? Why does this have to be happening to me?" I wonder Bri, whether actually, you are more like others than you realise. That it's not just happening to you. AL is SO addictive. Alcohol problems are, in part, a culturally perpetuated problem. Increasingly I look at others around me and wonder..."actually do you go home and have a bottle of wine also? Do you lie when you say you cracked open a bottle and had a glass with dinner, and really had the whole bottle - and then some"?

I reckon there are many. It aint just happening to you. But you are one of the few who realise it for what it is and want to take action, have taken action before and sure as hell can take action again."

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This is so true, Bri. Since I finally admitted I have a problem to people, I have been surprised by the whispers back from many that say they, also, have a problem. None of them are ready or want to confront it though. For now, they know, but want to continue the status quo. I've, also, been privy to many admitting when they leave the bar/pub at an earlier hour, they go home and drink more. The appearance is they only have a couple in the pub and don't have a problem, but at home they are getting drunk. You'd be surprised not just with alcohol, but other things as well which hold shame that when you knock down the wall and are strong enough to admit it to others how they often feel relieved to unload their burden or shame as well. It's an epidemic!! It's the wall of shame that keeps you feeling like you are alone.

Be a front runner! Tear down the wall. We are all human after all. Those without a drinking problem have other ones, I assure you of that.

Love,

Slay

[RingingCedars]

Vent Away...

Just occurred to me that I had no business telling you not to over analyze the why's. If it's part of your process then go for it and write it all out here. I sure did many times.

[Supercrew]

Vent Away...

Bri, I realized a long time ago that nothing changes if nothing changes. And in order for there to be change I have to take action and make that change. For me to make that change I have to plan that change and act on it daily.

I did this to quit drinking, I also did it to eventually change my career path and my physical fitness.

The biggest key is to enjoy the changes you are making, because if you don't enjoy the change you won't stick with it.

I just got certified as a personal trainer to go along with my success coaching business. I am realizing that I am going to have to motivate people to want to change. And for them to be successful and for me to be successful they are going to have to enjoy the journey/process.

You have to believe you enjoy being sober every night and then you have to stick with a plan to accomplish that goal. It took me 10 years to figure that out, but there is a way, and it's much easier than you think. Focus on what you want and take daily action.

[FlyAway]

Vent Away...

Bri you are procrastinating with your desire to get sober. You think, "What the hell. I'll have a couple drinks tonight and then tomorrow I'll stop." Then tomorrow you wake up at 3am feeling like hell and swearing "never again." The "you" of 5pm is craving booze and is totally not giving a crap about the Bri of tomorrow morning. Think of tomorrow morning. When you wake up sober, will you wish that you drank the night before? Do you ever wake up after drinking and think that you wish you had drank more? Of course not! So when you're craving, don't think about right now. Think about tomorrow.

[NoraC]

Vent Away...

FlyAway;1422377 wrote: Bri you are procrastinating with your desire to get sober. You think, "What the hell. I'll have a couple drinks tonight and then tomorrow I'll stop." Then tomorrow you wake up at 3am feeling like hell and swearing "never again." The "you" of 5pm is craving booze and is totally not giving a crap about the Bri of tomorrow morning. Think of tomorrow morning. When you wake up sober, will you wish that you drank the night before? Do you ever wake up after drinking and think that you wish you had drank more? Of course not! So when you're craving, don't think about right now. Think about tomorrow.

I've never said "I wish that I drank last night". Thank you FlyAway!!

[briseus]

Vent Away...

Thank you RunningCourage for all those lovely compliments. That was very sweet of you to say.
I also agree with you Slay when you say that a lot of people have a problem...in one aspect or another. It very well could be an epidemic...it is so mainstream and viewed as something that is normal and everyone does. Mind you, I over imbibe...I can easily put away a litre and a half of wine...not too good for the liver, I'm sure.
I definitely know that nothing changes if nothing changes. If I didn't than I wouldn't be where I am today. There are so many good things going on in my life right now, and I am grateful for it. I just wish that alcohol didn't have such a stronghold over me. Of course it doesn't discriminate...

I for sure am procrastinating. No doubt about that...because as I said in another thread things are going so well for me right now that there are days that I don't view my drinking as a problem. I say to myself "I went 38 days before...weeks here and there, weekends without..." and the funny thing is, that the people that know about my drinking will agree with me. Say "no, you don't have a problem at all if you could do that", in their minds an alcoholic is a bum on the street drinking out of a paper bag...not a smart man or woman that can hold a job down, run a household, take care of bills and everything else, go to school and whatever...etcetcetc...
So I am pushing off on quitting completely. I don't even think I ever will quit completely! I hate how this stupid thing is running through my mind every single day! In the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening...

Of course I will try and fast forward to the 7 glasses of wine instead of just thinking about the one...but that addictive voice rears it's ugly head and I foolishly am convinced that tonight I won't drink 7 but just 3...maybe 4...

I have never once regretted not drinking the night before. Not once. No one has...
The struggle though is getting to that morning after...fighting with yourself...what an internal struggle we create ourselves.
I am working on it. I guess that is all that matters. I can't say I didn't drink last night, because I did...
But I think that in some way I am on the right track...and I plan on not picking up for a while again...in the meantime, I will keep on venting...won't ever go on here drunk...will reread past threads and such...what I have wrote in the past too.

Thanks everyone for your advice and motivation.
And congrats to those of you that are AF.

[Slaythefear]

Vent Away...

Sound familiar, Bri? Drinking Epidemic!

IT'S my first Saturday night without alcohol in 30 years and I'm sitting on the couch, my limbs arranged tidily. For once, I am sitting up and paying attention. No longer that lolling, unattractive figure sprawled on the couch, snoring and dribbling.

We're watching Tristram Shandy, a Steve Coogan comedy based on the book by Laurence Sterne. Jocasta pats my knee supportively. "You see," she says, "a night without drinking can be quite entertaining."

I've signed up for Dry July, a charity that raises money to support people with cancer. All you have to do is not drink alcohol for a month, which can't be too difficult.

We're two scenes into the film and already the cast are drinking heavily. Steve Coogan orders a vodka and tonic in almost every scene. The woman who plays his wife appears to have a liking for champagne, which she sips from an attractively frosted glass surrounded by a merry band of drinkers who - I'm not imagining this - smack their lips after every slurp.
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The cast, it seems, is knowingly taunting me with my sobriety.

Jocasta cuddles closer and praises the script, which she judges to be an excellent response to a novel that is famously resistant to adaptation. I'd love to engage in this upmarket flirting but all I can see is the drinking.

It reminds me of the time we were renovating and trying to decide on a new kitchen. Suddenly, in films and TV shows, all I could see were the benchtops. The criminal would beat the hero to death, repeatedly slamming his head into the granite benchtop and all I could think was: "Well let's see how easy it is to wipe the blood off that surface." He'd remove a knife from the knife-block, plunge it into the victim's heart and I'd think: "Those knife-blocks, they really do keep things sharp."

Now it's the drinking that monopolises my attention. The weekend edition of the Herald appears to consist largely of wine advertisements offering Coonawarra shiraz at prices it would be practically criminal to ignore. The novel I'm reading, Rose Tremain's The Road Home, features a hero with a liking for Russian vodka served neat; the intoxication sudden and warming as he stands at the bar. If I flipped open the 20-volume Oxford Dictionary, I'm convinced that chance would reveal the entry for shiraz (noun): a variety of black wine grape, particularly delightful when consumed right about now.

Back in the movie, they are downing cocktails in a bacchanalian frenzy. I console myself with a bowl of ice-cream decorated with choc bits - my second for the night. I also grab a couple of chocolate bars for later.

I'm not only out to help the charity, of course. Eschewing alcohol for a month should help me limit my drinking into the future. For example, I'll be so fat from all the chocolate, I'll no longer fit through the turnstiles at Liquorland.

This over-consumption of sweets is also giving me pimples. I feel like I'm 17 all over again - a non-drinker with acne. Maybe abstinence will bring back the rest of my life at 17: I'll wake up with desert boots, a tie-dyed T-shirt and a girlfriend who hates me.

"What's the time," I ask Jocasta, "do you think I can go to bed yet?"

"It's only 9.30," she says. "What's your plan? To limit the number of sober hours by sleeping more?"

"I just want to read my novel," I sniff haughtily. For example, I think to myself, the character Lev might be about to down another delicious glass of vodka.

Jocasta rolls her eyes. "Why don't you just go the whole hog and book yourself into Chelmsford for the deep-sleep therapy. Play your cards right and you could spend the whole of July in a coma."

Sunday morning I wake and decide to use my new clear-headed joie de vivre to knock off some jobs. I clean out the car and come across a bottle of fine red wine still in its bag; a product of a cellar-door visit to Mudgee months earlier. I reel back in horror at this unexpected temptation and escape to the back garden.

My elderly Italian neighbour hollers over the fence. He wants me to cut down a large tree that's overshadowing his yard. He's a nice guy, so I agree to the request. "Wait please," he says and scurries into the house. He hurries back with many bottles of home-made red wine, insisting I take them as a thank-you gift. He mumbles the words "delicious, delicious" as he passes them over the fence.

Is the world conspiring against me? I'm competing with a friend at work to see who can raise the most money and best survive the month. Is Adam laying traps? Has he convinced my neighbour to shower me with bottles of red? Is he hiding shiraz beneath the seat of my car? Is the editor of the Herald in on it - ringing up Kemeny's and Dan Murphy's and suggesting ever larger and more compelling displays? What about Rose Tremain and Steve Coogan? How did they get involved?

So what's today's date? July 11, you say. The next three weeks may be the longest 10 months of my life.
I'd love to engage in this upmarket flirting but all I can see is the drinking.

[briseus]

Vent Away...

Thanks for that Slay -
How well written too !

Of course when u try to get sober everyone is against you.
I found myself in the same situations as you.

[Supercrew]

Vent Away...

I was such a bad drunk that when I got sober everyone was for me.

And the reality is anyway you look at it, it just your perception. If you want to believe things are against you and liquor is popping up everywhere it will be.