How do you forgive yourself?

[dove]

How do you forgive yourself for stupid shit you have done over the years? I am still re-living stupid shit I did while drunk 15 years ago! (along with more recent events) All of the things I am talking about are things that have been just demeaning or embarassing to myself. I have a drinking life separate from work/family life where I will get plastered and do awfully embarassing things...in the past demeaning things too (random sex before married, black out cheated on husband a few years ago, falling over/down/yelling at people in public places, just being a waste-oid drunk). Those are the things I remember anyway and, actually, the anxiety and guilt of not remembering and not knowing is EVEN WORSE! I have what can almost be called anxiety attacks - for lack of a better word - some nights when I am falling asleep and think about it all and this wave runs over my body and wakes me up and I feel like I just want to crawl in a hole and die. 'Forgetting and forgiving myself', as everyone touts, is not an option at this point because I can't forget what I do remember and feel like such an awful, awful person for it. So I drink because even a small buzz makes me feel better about it all and not be so anxious/guilty/self-hating...but eventually that small buzz turns into another stupid blackout night...sometimes it takes months to get there but sometimes not. Please help by sharing your coping mechanisms because right now mine continues to be alcohol. I don't do well buying or taking expensive supplements and have trouble wanting to take the energy to find a counselor. I do think it would help to talk through some of the stuff with someone but it is a big undertaking to find someone I like and trust to tell EVERYTHING to! Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Struggles 106]

How do you forgive yourself?

Hey Dove!

I remember you from a while back.So sorry to hear that you are having all this to deal with.
I know EXACTLY what you mean! And I do mean EXACTLY! It is very hard to NOT dwell on the person you become when alcohol is in the picture. I cannot even tell my daughter all of my truth; it would just be devastating.
I amusing antabuse at the moment but a counselor would be a good idea. Women for Sobriety is a very good place too. I remember when you had the cheating episode and I know you beat yourself up over it. DON"T! You can so this.

If you want to PM me we can swap stories, could be an amusing distraction. I always liked talking to someone who had been there and done it all too. The longer the alcohol is out of the picture the more you can let go of past madness.

Hang in there and stick around

[SKendall]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dove, when you start to focus on sobriety, a psychological and mental shift occurs where deep down you realize you can't change the past, but your future starts today and the more sobriety you achieve, the anxiety lessens.

[LibraryGirl]

How do you forgive yourself?

SK is right. The more time I spend not drinking, the more I wake up happy and able to forgive myself. You can get there too.:l

[Lavande]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dove,
I was lead to this author by another member here quite a while ago. His theories & strategies have helped me work through a LOT of stuff. Take a look:

Colin Tipping

[Kradle123]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dear Dove:

My God I could have written that post word for word!!

The self loathing is my absolute biggest hurdle- no question. I too can be blindsided by sudden memories of the crazy crap, the missed opportunities, people I have alienated- good people.

What has helped me the most so far is just coming here and reading other people's stories, experiences. That thread of stupid things we have done just brings tears to me and eases my heart because the posts are so incredibly honest and self deprecating and so fricken familiar!!
So The sense of finally belonging to a community that really gets it, has truly been on these same roads, finally finding, not to sound too dramatic, my people after all these years is completely priceless.

Even though it can get hairy, scary in here some times there is no question that this place is far superior than the buzz. I don't always honor that in my head especially when the tension outside escalates and i feel utterly hopeless...(and I have slipped) but I know for certain this is so.

I think our loneliness deepens are shame and regret. This alone makes MWO so valuable and a great coping mechanism. Someone somewhere always knows exactly what we are talking about.

So Dove, in a nutshell my coping mechanism is you. And I am truly grateful. :l

:h

[Hopeful mom]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dove, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles! I agree with and appreciate the words of those who have beat the nightmare. I can so relate to all that you spoke of and often find it hard to forgive myself. I often wonder if my friends and family are looking at me to analyze if I've been drinking, or if they dread phone calls from me because of many drunk calls. I don't know when those thoughts will ever leave my head, or when I will ever feel respected again. No doubt you have to respect and forgive yourself before you can expect it from others. I think it does help to talk to others. I haven't connected with someone to share some of the really ugly things, but I'm working on it! Please take care of yourself, and as someone posted previously...one day at a time!!

[mario]

How do you forgive yourself?

What's behind you is done. There is nothing that you can do to change what has happened, and I know from experience that dwelling on mistakes of the past does nothing but crush the spirit and waste any positive energy that we may have.

I have spent many days and nights feeling the pangs of regret and desire, and found myself lost in a black funk with no way forward.
I don't ever want to forget my past though. It's important to me. It is part of my make-up and I have had some wonderful times with some beautiful people and I've also had some darker times, when I thought there was little to do but fade away.

I've been an alcoholic for many years and the reasons I drank were as many as leaves on a tree, and every one of them was a lie; an excuse I made to stop myself from having to face the world, and as we all know, that is no way to live. This one life is all that I have and I have wasted too much of it.

I can't deal with the past. I can only deal with my perception of the past and to do this I had to stop drinking, which was no easy task. I have to know true reality in order to work through it and not the distorted ghost of reality that I find in a bottle. I always knew that drinking wasn't the answer. I wanted it to dull the pain, but it doesn't work that way.

I'm at the stage now, where I can accept what is, and also look forward to what will be, without any bitter aftertaste and a knowledge that I can make of myself whatever I will. On balance, there is at least as much for me to be happy about as there is to bemoan, if I was the bemoaning sort of person."

We dont have to forget the past but we certainally dont have to live in it

[RingingCedars]

How do you forgive yourself?

Kradle123;1428500 wrote: Dear Dove:

My God I could have written that post word for word!!

The self loathing is my absolute biggest hurdle- no question. I too can be blindsided by sudden memories of the crazy crap, the missed opportunities, people I have alienated- good people.

What has helped me the most so far is just coming here and reading other people's stories, experiences. That thread of stupid things we have done just brings tears to me and eases my heart because the posts are so incredibly honest and self deprecating and so fricken familiar!!
So The sense of finally belonging to a community that really gets it, has truly been on these same roads, finally finding, not to sound too dramatic, my people after all these years is completely priceless.

Even though it can get hairy, scary in here some times there is no question that this place is far superior than the buzz. I don't always honor that in my head especially when the tension outside escalates and i feel utterly hopeless...(and I have slipped) but I know for certain this is so.

I think our loneliness deepens are shame and regret. This alone makes MWO so valuable and a great coping mechanism. Someone somewhere always knows exactly what we are talking about.

So Dove, in a nutshell my coping mechanism is you. And I am truly grateful. :l

:h

:h

[RingingCedars]

How do you forgive yourself?

mario;1428606 wrote: What's behind you is done. There is nothing that you can do to change what has happened, and I know from experience that dwelling on mistakes of the past does nothing but crush the spirit and waste any positive energy that we may have.

I have spent many days and nights feeling the pangs of regret and desire, and found myself lost in a black funk with no way forward.
I don't ever want to forget my past though. It's important to me. It is part of my make-up and I have had some wonderful times with some beautiful people and I've also had some darker times, when I thought there was little to do but fade away.

I've been an alcoholic for many years and the reasons I drank were as many as leaves on a tree, and every one of them was a lie; an excuse I made to stop myself from having to face the world, and as we all know, that is no way to live. This one life is all that I have and I have wasted too much of it.

I can't deal with the past. I can only deal with my perception of the past and to do this I had to stop drinking, which was no easy task. I have to know true reality in order to work through it and not the distorted ghost of reality that I find in a bottle. I always knew that drinking wasn't the answer. I wanted it to dull the pain, but it doesn't work that way.

I'm at the stage now, where I can accept what is, and also look forward to what will be, without any bitter aftertaste and a knowledge that I can make of myself whatever I will. On balance, there is at least as much for me to be happy about as there is to bemoan, if I was the bemoaning sort of person."

We dont have to forget the past but we certainally dont have to live in it

:h

[K9Lover]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dove,
I can completely relate. I still have "flashbacks" of things I did while drunk...well snippets of them anyway...from sex with strangers to falling down in the liquor store in my ripped up pajamas...the stories could go on and on. It has taken a while, but I have managed to forgive myself. As long as I NEVER DO IT AGAIN I am able to let it go. I know it seems impossible right now, but if you change your behavior, you can get past it too. Please stick close to us...there are lots of threads that will make you realize you are NOT alone in this. Wishing you strength!
xoxoxo
K9

[Supercrew]

How do you forgive yourself?

Living in the past is depression, and living in the future is anxiety. Live in the now.

How do I do it? I pretend the past didn't happen, I can't change it so I imagine my past to be the way I want it to be. People use the past as an excuse for the way they act now and for the way they will act in the future.

How would your life be if the past was great and you never touched alcohol? Well, live your life that way. I use visualization techniques to see things the way I want to see them, then I live in the moment and enjoy the results.

[Sunbeam]

How do you forgive yourself?

This is your new AF life, so celebrate it! You are a new person. Just keep believing this and it will happen.

[allankay]

How do you forgive yourself?

Dove,

everything you say is true. Its a repetitive cycle. We feel shame and drink to escape, only to fall deeper into the whole.

From my experience accomplishment/achievement/charity is the only known cure for this condition. A person is always changing and I truely believe that anyone is a product of all the good actions minus the bad. Some have a huge surplus of good other have a deficit. If you work on this equation you will eventually balance your budget and finally move into the green. The more I accomplish the better I feel. The more I help others (or at least try) the more pride I have. It may sound selfish but charity is the best confidence booster there is.

Dove, I dont know your story but when was the last time you set a goal and accomplished it? Doesnt have to be a big goal you just need to see it through to the end. Then set yourself a bigger goal and then biggers. Help others achieve their potential and you will be repaid ten fold.

ALLAN

[iknowicandoit]

How do you forgive yourself?

I Can Sympathize

I've felt the same way about some things in my life and drank to cope. I was diagnosed with PTSD around the same time I quit three years ago. Had a great Doc who helped me cope with out alcohol. Then after 2 years I went back to drinking and the old feelings all returned. One of the reasons I'm going to try to quit again. One thing my doctor told me that resonated with me was" don't beat yourself up over what you can't change." Hang tough.