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    #1

    A little depressing for Christmas...

    I ask you to stop reading now if you don't want to be depressed, lol.


    It doesn't feel like Christmas to me. My family is all over the globe and we couldn't get together. I don't know. It just doesn't feel like the holidays. Maybe because there is still no snow here in Canada...wtf.
    I am very grateful for what I have.

    And things are going well for me.
    But I am having issues with the boyfriend. This is a big deal since we have been together for almost 6 years.
    My drinking is just shit...but I can't seem to stop. Or imagine life without it.
    This is the same old song and dance but I know I can vent here - no judgements.

    Another black out again last night.
    Huh.....another one - like it's no big deal or something.
    And to deal with it the morning after I am thinking my answer is more booze. It's not.
    I'm fat because of this disease too and I hate myself for it.

    So I thought to myself - what is the point. If I die - then who will care.
    I am not the party animal/life of the party like I thought I was. I am just a messy sloppy alcoholic that sucks at life at this point.

    I HATE who I have become.
    I HATE this disease.
    I HATE that I can't be happy when I have amazing things going for me.
    I HATE I can't stop at just a couple.
    I HATE that I can't remember half of the last year.
    I HATE 2012.
    I HATE me.


    I'm so lost.
    Tags: None
    #2
    A little depressing for Christmas...

    Good morning briesus,
    I share your feelings about today, I am home alone as my family is everywhere but here.
    Don't loose sight you are worth it and you can do it, if this is bottom for you then there is no where but up for you now.
    2012 was not a good year for me as it was full of more downs than up, but I am looking for a better 2013 and I will succeed.
    Remember never give up.
    F.T.
    AF with a few speed bumps during 2014 & 2015 but will succeed.
    As of 4/12/2014 I have not smoked at all and feel great.

    Comment

      #3
      A little depressing for Christmas...

      I'm sorry you're having a hard time, Bri. Please don't give up.

      Please make the hard decision to do SOMETHING, whatever the cost: AA, hospital, detox, rehab.

      You are worth it.:l
      "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

      Comment

        #4
        A little depressing for Christmas...

        Hey Bris

        Oh Birs I know how you feel! For some reason I just feel like crying today. NO idea why. My daughter is here, still asleep. It's one of those times when you feel like you "should" be happy but you're not.

        Let's do this together for 2013! I am fat too, and have never been fat. I haven't been drinking for a while so it's really all the sugar. I am determined to get back in shape with the end of March as a goal time.

        We know in our hearts and minds how stupid drunkenness is, and yet we persist. As I have said I am on antabuse and glad to have it. Maybe you could try it. I try not to think of myself as weak but what can I say?

        Please don't beat yourself up too much! I know it is hard but the bottom line is that each of us has to take of our own health and well-being. I hate to hear you so down Bris.

        Stick around and let us know how you are. PM if you want.

        Comment

          #5
          A little depressing for Christmas...

          Ann Carolina;1432047 wrote: Oh Birs I know how you feel! For some reason I just feel like crying today. NO idea why. My daughter is here, still asleep. It's one of those times when you feel like you "should" be happy but you're not.

          Let's do this together for 2013! I am fat too, and have never been fat. I haven't been drinking for a while so it's really all the sugar. I am determined to get back in shape with the end of March as a goal time.

          We know in our hearts and minds how stupid drunkenness is, and yet we persist. As I have said I am on antabuse and glad to have it. Maybe you could try it. I try not to think of myself as weak but what can I say?

          Please don't beat yourself up too much! I know it is hard but the bottom line is that each of us has to take of our own health and well-being. I hate to hear you so down Bris.

          Stick around and let us know how you are. PM if you want.
          Briseus is Canadian and it's almost impossible to get Antabuse in the country. If you have any suggetions, I would love to hear them. It's always good to have such a powerful ally waiting in the wings if things ever get out of control again.

          Hey Bri, I am thinking about you and hope you can find some joy in your life in 2013. You may have just hit that proverbial ROCK BOTTOM and there's no place to go but up my friend. Hang on and take it one day at a time. ... Snow, we have enough in my part of Canada to cover all of Toronto and then some... wish we could share it.. can't even walk in it without snow shoes. We are in the Laurentian Mountains of Quebec. xo
          Tipplerette

          I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
          ? Lao-Tzu

          Comment

            #6
            A little depressing for Christmas...

            dealing with failure

            Hi Briseus,

            Sorry you are feeling blue. The alcohol of course will make things seem a lot worse than they are. I think of alcohol abuse more as a symptom of psychological problems. There are a lot of things you can do even if you are not ready or feel capable of abstinence. Are you seeing a counselor still? Maybe you should focus on harm reduction instead of counting every binge as a massive failure and dwelling on having a "disease." For some people disease thinking is helpful but you don't want to let it become for you something that just explains an inevitable part of your life, because it isn't. Maybe you should focus on reducing your binges or something that you can achieve.

            Good luck!
            Nancy

            Comment

              #7
              A little depressing for Christmas...

              So sorry

              I'm sorry; I did not realize that about AB in Canada! I ordered mine from River Pharmacy since my docot will not prescribe it. Seems ironic that I can get it and Bris can't-not fair.

              For me the antabuse is what I need right now. I am thinnking that after a few more solid sober months and an engrained fitness regimen I won't need it.

              As Hippyman said-maybe you can get it from River. I just did it online, and it did take a while to get here.

              Wishing you strength Bris

              Comment

                #8
                A little depressing for Christmas...

                Oh, Briseus:

                I hope you feel better soon and just don't give up... You say there are good things going for you, so focus on those.... Then attack your problems one at a time... If you count all those problems, it sounds like a lot. I try to focus and fix one problem at a time.... Otherwise it can seem too overwhelming......

                Good luck!
                Alcoholic (or Ally)

                "Only a fool knows everything.
                A wise man knows how little he knows."

                Please feel free to block/ignore my posts through your control panel.

                Comment

                  #9
                  A little depressing for Christmas...

                  I have to say that when I was considering taking Antabuse, a few lovely people from this site offered to send me some. Couldn't take their offer but was moved to tears by their selflessness. That's the kind of people that hang around here.
                  Tipplerette

                  I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                  "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                  ? Lao-Tzu

                  Comment

                    #10
                    A little depressing for Christmas...

                    SHARING

                    Hey guys

                    After reading Tip's post I realize I could share some AB, or I would be OK with getting some for Bris or anyone who can't get it.

                    Don't know why I didn't think of it!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      A little depressing for Christmas...

                      hey bri,im sorry you are feeling so low but you have been in a better place before,ive read it! before you used to be real positive booze totally makes it worse,but i understand how you are feeling right now,its hard once we are on that merry go round of drinking and trying to get off! i just want you to be o.k,not so sad
                      I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

                      I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
                      Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

                      Comment

                        #12
                        A little depressing for Christmas...

                        Hi Bris...hope you are feeling better now. I didn't realize you were a fellow Canuck. Sunshine_gg is Canadian and I think she took antibuse at some point. Maybe you could pm her to find out where she got it. As the others said take it one day or problem at a time. If you lump it all into one big mess it will seem insurmountable. Small goals are more achievable which will give you strength to take on bigger ones. Hang in there girl. xo
                        Psalms 119:45


                        ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                        St. Francis of Assisi



                        I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                        :rays:

                        Comment

                          #13
                          A little depressing for Christmas...

                          Ann Carolina;1432150 wrote: Hey guys

                          After reading Tip's post I realize I could share some AB, or I would be OK with getting some for Bris or anyone who can't get it.

                          Don't know why I didn't think of it!
                          See what I mean.. thanks Ann. Gotta remember you for future reference. Anyways back to the original post... stay close to this forum and post, post, post. It's therapeutic and really helps one feel less alone.. as we all know.

                          xoxo
                          Tipplerette

                          I do this for my children, my grandchildren, my health, my peace of mind, and mostly for the opportunity to learn to live with my true, unfiltered, clear-headed, vulnerable self.

                          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                          ? Lao-Tzu

                          Comment

                            #14
                            A little depressing for Christmas...

                            Bri, just saw your post

                            and thought what I just posted in Just Starting Out may apply to you in a couple ways. Although, you don't have your biological family around, you can build other healthy relationships, but you won't be able to do that with alcohol abuse in your life. Take it from me. I am withdrawing from an abusive relationship. Some of my family is two hours a way and another out of state. I don't have much family left, but what I do have I will work to improve the relationships and with others as well. You are young and still have much hope for a brighter future. Just one step at a time and when you look back later you'll see you've come a long way even if it seemed like a turtles pace, but 'we' do have to start walking toward the light.:l:h

                            My day after X-mas post:


                            No hangover or regrets the day after Christmas!
                            Now isn't that a source of reward in and of itself? I enjoyed my Christmas with some family members and feel so good about the whole process. Just being us and enjoying us together without the alcohol induced state of mind. It's, also, a great time to show forgiveness, patience and just give love. A bit of an awakening taking place lately regarding how important certain people are to me. What should be real and what should not be considered real or important. Where my priorities should be and where they haven't been. Maybe when all the bad I have to go through is over, there will be some added good back as a result of it all. Time spent with others while intoxicated is not real. It doesn't build on the true meaning of relationships.

                            I hope you all had a nice Christmas in the reality of what life can be instead of hiding behind alcohol from what life has been. If you were alone without family, I hope you still are learning to love yourself and know you deserve a better future. Without alcohol you will be capable of recognizing what that is and how to get it for yourself. Maybe not today, but in time.

                            Love,

                            Slay

                            P.S. - We start a new year in a week. We can start new ways of living that are healthy for us and our relationships. Something to look forward to...a whole new me!
                            Rule your mind or it will rule you. It is from a thought that an action grows. :bat

                            Comment

                              #15
                              A little depressing for Christmas...

                              Hi Bri!

                              I've been thinking of you and wanted to send you this :l

                              Believe me, I KNOW the hell of alcohol first hand. It's a stupid cycle that seems impossible to break...but it IS possible. You know this, you've done a reasonable amount of AF time in the past. I'm sorry about your BF troubles. Maybe it's best if you just focus on YOU for right now. Please don't say that nobody would care if something happened to you...I, for one, would care a lot! I'm really worried about your blackouts, those can be dangerous. Please, please let me know what I can do to help you, even if it's just to listen. I'm here for you!

                              :h
                              K9
                              :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                              Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                              Comment

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