Persephone's Ascent from Hell

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

I have to agree with the others about you saying, "the worst is yet to come." That's not true at all. Your last paragraph about reorganizing and attending to your life and building a new one is the truth and I think that many struggle with that part. That's generally a part of your life that got neglected while you were drinking and was ignored for years. I'm speaking about the general "you" here, a typical drinker, not you personally. That is the part where you have to start dealing with good and bad and tragedy all without your old numbing agent alcohol. It can be difficult but it is also very rewarding. My life has gotten better and better since removing alcohol from it. Not all at once, but when I reflect back on the past year I'm staggered to find myself happier than I ever knew possible.

[techie]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hi Persephone just checking in to see how you are doing. Hoping all is well!?

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hi Persephone. I didn't see you yesterday in the Abstinence section. Is everything okay? Check in either way. We are here to help you. :l

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hello,
I am doing well thanks...Took a vacation from the MWO forum for a few days. Sometimes I forget that the answers I'm seeking are already there, I just have to rummage for them a bit.

I dedicated a few days to exploring…researching different recovery forums & methods. Found really helpful books which I can buy/read instantly thanks to Kindle! (Modern technology is Brilliant!) Which led me to some smart blogs written by some amazing people & body/mind practices that I never considered before. I kept my commitment to journal daily, just didn't do it on the site (though you were all still in my thoughts )

Honestly, my days have not been filled with anguish over desiring drink; beating off the incessant monkey demanding to be fed. My main struggle is fatigue; I'm drained all the time and insomnia is kicking my ass. It's like I have an energy-suck attached to me somewhere and I just can't find it to remove the 'lil parasite. Seriously, I know my body is in hyper-healing mode right now, did lots of damage to her.

I'm not sure how many days I've racked up, I only know I'm on the third week now. I stopped counting a few days ago and I think maybe I like this 'protocol' better FOR MYSELF. Instead, my sincere focus has been 'how do I want to live my life NOW?' And WTF have I been doing wasting all this precious time? PRECIOUS. TIME. My mind is coming alive and I'm finding there aren't enough hours (or energy) in the day to do all I want. I am getting used to this :heart:

This new life feels like a beach…
Walking along, see something shiny, interesting? Curiously I pick it up & examine it…sometimes it's a valuable nugget and I add it to my fine collection of treasures, smile to myself and carry on. Others times, upon examination…it's a turd!
Now, I toss it aside, wash my hands and go on my merry way.

With alcohol as my companion I would obsess over the turds. Why did the universe put a turd in my path? What is the valuable lesson that I am supposed to learn? What did I do to deserve this turd? Truth is…sometimes a turd is just a turd…LOL! :H

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Good for you Persephone! I felt the same way with my last quit. I wasn't hampered by cravings and the only way I keep track of how many days I have is by a sobriety calculator that someone told me about months ago. I'm happy to hear that you are feeling confident in your quit. The vast majority of this journey is learning how to live your life all over again.

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

I started this 5~ish months ago. I really wish I had spent more time checking in on it; sorting myself a bit more. Like the Stella thread (I love that, btw RC, if you read this. It always inspires me to dig down deep and then I lose courage to do it so openly. You impress me with that quality, again and again :l).

I have been crying pretty much two days straight. A number of circumstances came together just so to land me right here. Wrote on FB how I was longing for The Mothership and My Soul Tribe and my dad called me in a panic (sorry dad). Truth be told, I do feel crazy. Lost. Lonely. Afraid and wondering how the fuck I'm gonna keep functioning. I am truly terrified. And I just keep crying, holding myself, hoping it will pass.

It occurred to me today that all my life I've been carrying around this wound. This belief that I am inherently flawed. And the sadness that this awareness has brought has rocked me to my core. See, the drinking kept me from really feeling this. Now what? What the hell do I do with all this pain? And who will be here to love me through this?

Me.
For once, and finally. Me.

I have abandoned MYSELF over and over and over. Ran to any and every possible 'fix' to NOT feel this pain. Hide it. Bury it. Blur it. Obliterate it. It's nearly killed me the things/people/substances/beliefs I've clung to in a desperate effort to Numb. Me. Out. How can I possibly live with this intense pain? Won't it swallow me whole? I don't know. I don't have the answer to that. Its taken five months of sobriety to feel again. And do I want to feel all this?

Yes. My daughter reminded me that this is cathartic (she actually listens to me! )
I've run out of fixes. And lies. And excuses as to why I don't deserve the energy and attention I give to everyone else. I have to address this pain. It's time.

I heard of an native american ritual where they'd throw a person into a raging rapid and they'd have to save themselves from drowning. No one intervened, it was all their own will. I've never understood why the Universe has placed me in the circumstances I came into the world with, the parents I was given and the path I was set on. I have fought my whole life to become so much more than these circumstances dictated, in spite of how I felt inside. And so, here I am in the raging rapid of my life, required to Save MySelf. It is the hardest thing I've ever attempted. Truly.

I surrender :surrender:

P.

[NoSugar]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hello, Persephone

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I wish we were neighbors and I could just hold your hand :l.

This paper does not of course fix what you are emotionally and physically experiencing but perhaps it will be a good reminder that what you are feeling is not 'just in your head' and reassure you that you are not alone:Psychotherapy & Neuroscience ? Autoimmune Disease & Histories of Stress.

Everything about us is connected to everything else. By finding the strength to give up alcohol, you have started healing, even though it doesn't feel like that right now. I've seen some of your posts about the pain of your childhood. Maybe your body and mind are ready for you to take the next step, even though it hurts so much. I hope you find the people with the knowledge and tools you need to address your physical and emotional suffering.

Love and support for you always will be here, NS

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

NoSugar;1526735 wrote: Hello, Persephone

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I wish we were neighbors and I could just hold your hand :l.

This paper does not of course fix what you are emotionally and physically experiencing but perhaps it will be a good reminder that what you are feeling is not 'just in your head' and reassure you that you are not alone:Psychotherapy & Neuroscience ? Autoimmune Disease & Histories of Stress.

Everything about us is connected to everything else. By finding the strength to give up alcohol, you have started healing, even though it doesn't feel like that right now. I've seen some of your posts about the pain of your childhood. Maybe your body and mind are ready for you to take the next step, even though it hurts so much. I hope you find the people with the knowledge and tools you need to address your physical and emotional suffering.

Love and support for you always will be here, NS

You are priceless. Thank you.

[free at last]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Dear Persephone,
I am sorry you are feeling such pain, and I do understand the desire to blot out painful, disturbing emotions with some kind of drug.

I was intrigued by your reference to being thrown in a rapid. As someone who spent a fair amount of time boating relatively big whitewater, I thought I'd share with you the process before entering "big water."

Usually, you hear the rapids long before you see them.
You stop, find a safe place to tie up your boat and go scout the rapids.
And you stare, deeply, at the rapids. What is the best way through this path that seems to want to eat you alive. If you are me, you get a pit in your stomach that makes you want to vomit.
And then you commit o your path. You walk back to your boat, pull out of the eddy,
And follow the path you have chosen. Along the way, some thingsd may come up to make you adjust, respond differently than you had predicted, but you are committed. The only way is through the rapids.
And, in the process, time takes on a new dimension. You see everything in slow motion, though it is moving at mach speed--everything is clear. You may not like what is coming up ahead, but you see it clearly. And you are very much aware of how alive you are.
And when you are through the rapids, I have been know to vomit, scream with some kind of primal joy/fear/ecstacy, or just sit back and say, "made it through that one, what's next."

I hope that through this process of running the rapids of life that you find clarity and a sense of what it feels like to be fully alive, with all the pain, suffering, and joy that comes with it.

Warmest,

[RunningCourage]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Persephone1;1526656 wrote: I started this 5~ish months ago. I really wish I had spent more time checking in on it; sorting myself a bit more. Like the Stella thread (I love that, btw RC, if you read this. It always inspires me to dig down deep and then I lose courage to do it so openly. You impress me with that quality, again and again :l).

I have been crying pretty much two days straight. A number of circumstances came together just so to land me right here. Wrote on FB how I was longing for The Mothership and My Soul Tribe and my dad called me in a panic (sorry dad). Truth be told, I do feel crazy. Lost. Lonely. Afraid and wondering how the fuck I'm gonna keep functioning. I am truly terrified. And I just keep crying, holding myself, hoping it will pass.

It occurred to me today that all my life I've been carrying around this wound. This belief that I am inherently flawed. And the sadness that this awareness has brought has rocked me to my core. See, the drinking kept me from really feeling this. Now what? What the hell do I do with all this pain? And who will be here to love me through this?

Me.
For once, and finally. Me.

I have abandoned MYSELF over and over and over. Ran to any and every possible 'fix' to NOT feel this pain. Hide it. Bury it. Blur it. Obliterate it. It's nearly killed me the things/people/substances/beliefs I've clung to in a desperate effort to Numb. Me. Out. How can I possibly live with this intense pain? Won't it swallow me whole? I don't know. I don't have the answer to that. Its taken five months of sobriety to feel again. And do I want to feel all this?

Yes. My daughter reminded me that this is cathartic (she actually listens to me! )
I've run out of fixes. And lies. And excuses as to why I don't deserve the energy and attention I give to everyone else. I have to address this pain. It's time.

I heard of an native american ritual where they'd throw a person into a raging rapid and they'd have to save themselves from drowning. No one intervened, it was all their own will. I've never understood why the Universe has placed me in the circumstances I came into the world with, the parents I was given and the path I was set on. I have fought my whole life to become so much more than these circumstances dictated, in spite of how I felt inside. And so, here I am in the raging rapid of my life, required to Save MySelf. It is the hardest thing I've ever attempted. Truly.

I surrender :surrender:

P.

Hey P -

OK, so these cyber emoticon hugs :l are nothing to the real thing, but have a huddle of hugs will ya?

I don't know the specifics of what has gone on and what is going on, but i highlighted the parts of your post that resonated with me as I continue to work my way through sober living.

Learning to live with sobriety is a balancing act. A see-saw. There are those emotions we don't want to feel, that perhaps were ones we numbed through AL previously, and these arise, raw and naked and tender and we FEEL them. We have to find a balance whereby we can allow ourselves to feel them - and more importantly to process them - in order to come through. So much of sober living is about waiting. Waiting to see what it's like when we do come through the raging rapid - it's fucking tough, and it hurts.... but ultimately we have to believe that we are going to be the better for it. If working through the pain is akin to surviving the rapid, in essence you will be a whole new you when you come out on the other side. A but wet, maybe, but I'll have a towel ready.

And perhaps what you feel right now is what we would feel if we woke up in the middle of the rapid. If, say, we stopped for a moment trying to just survive, and pondered the predicament we were in with and all the chaos of the crashing, swirling, pummeling water around us, then I'm sure we would all ask ourselves - do I REALLY want to be here feeling this? But DO... and don't get out until you get out.

You wrote "I have fought my whole life to become so much more than these circumstances dictated" ... I think this A LOT. But please don't. Persephone, don't focus on what you can't fix. Just focus on you. YOU are doing such an amazing job. YOU have had the STRENGTH, the FORTITUDE, the SHEER BLOODY MINDEDNESS to have traveled this far this past 6 months. And it is YOU who is going to go into and emerge from the most ferocious of rapids - because you can. Forget about the circumstances. Forget about the 'what if's'. Forget about comparisons with family, friends. They are having their lives. THIS is YOURS. DO NOT COMPARE. It's priceless. Precious. And by the grace of some miracle, it is YOU who has the opportunity, the sheer chance to BE and to BREATH.

Take care hun :l
RC

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

NoSugar, Running Courage and Free at Last,

I have so much gratitude that you three took the time to respond to me. So many thoughts and emotions swirling in response, but I need some time to assimilate your words and wisdom, or it'll come out a jumbled mess! Been a long, draining day.

THANK YOU FROM THE DEPTHS OF ME. :h

[Kradle123]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

free at last;1526873 wrote: Dear Persephone,
I am sorry you are feeling such pain, and I do understand the desire to blot out painful, disturbing emotions with some kind of drug.

I was intrigued by your reference to being thrown in a rapid. As someone who spent a fair amount of time boating relatively big whitewater, I thought I'd share with you the process before entering "big water."

Usually, you hear the rapids long before you see them.
You stop, find a safe place to tie up your boat and go scout the rapids.
And you stare, deeply, at the rapids. What is the best way through this path that seems to want to eat you alive. If you are me, you get a pit in your stomach that makes you want to vomit.
And then you commit o your path. You walk back to your boat, pull out of the eddy,
And follow the path you have chosen. Along the way, some thingsd may come up to make you adjust, respond differently than you had predicted, but you are committed. The only way is through the rapids.
And, in the process, time takes on a new dimension. You see everything in slow motion, though it is moving at mach speed--everything is clear. You may not like what is coming up ahead, but you see it clearly. And you are very much aware of how alive you are.
And when you are through the rapids, I have been know to vomit, scream with some kind of primal joy/fear/ecstacy, or just sit back and say, "made it through that one, what's next."

I hope that through this process of running the rapids of life that you find clarity and a sense of what it feels like to be fully alive, with all the pain, suffering, and joy that comes with it.

Warmest,

This is an astonishingly wonderful post, Free. I am printing it out.:l

Persephone, can't add too much to what has already been said except perhaps to give my Buddhist perspective as you wondered why you were basically dealt this hand.
My personal belief is Karma which most people who don't practice have a limited notion of. It is a Sanskrit word meaning action and it referes to all the causes and effects you have created lifetime after lifetime...

I think of all the people who have come into my life- the good the bad and the ugly, I absolutely see the karmic pattern stretching out. But I simply keep repeating the same scenarios with different people in different places. And my fundamental Darkness is pretty clear- self loathing & Anger. These are my twin causes which I keep making over and over again.

Like you I am struggling so fucking hard to free myself from those fundamental causes I create. Getting rid of the AL allows me to 'see myself clearly' when you said that giving up AL makes you hate yourself worse, I understand completely but I think of this view of ourselves as residue, a sticky tape picture we glued over our true selves for years and years and years...that's why this is taking so damn long!! For me there is a lot of glue to scrap off...so to speak...

Well, m sorry I rambled. I just want to reach out and give you a :l remember your karma also brought you to MWO...so your making good causes somewhere along the line!

:h

[free at last]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Dear Persephone,
Glad to hear that our notes of encouragement resound with you. One more point. I spent four long minutes under my boat after flipping in a class five rapids (or maybe class six that most people would not have runned). I realized then that shit happens. And, you have to figure out how to survive. Came out of the experience so much stronger, with a clear sense of what I would, and would not do, ever again.

Have been so impressed, and inspired, by your accomplishments in leading an AF life.

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Kradle123;1527071 wrote: to give my Buddhist perspective as you wondered why you were basically dealt this hand.
My personal belief is Karma which most people who don't practice have a limited notion of. It is a Sanskrit word meaning action and it referes to all the causes and effects you have created lifetime after lifetime...

Mmm Lawdy ~ Responsible for other Lives? I can hardly handle the responsibilities of this one. It seems awfully harsh to be yolked to responsibility for a past life/lives that I have no recollection of, no context for and no tools to deal with ~ all of the burden and none of the perks! That seems almost as cruel as Christianity and the Christian god! I'll spare you all my rant on that...

Frankly, the pain that I suffer with (emotionally + physically) would be grounds for euthanizing a beloved pet (from my perspective & if they could talk). THAT would be benevolent and appreciated.

That said, I do appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective Kradle123 and I do understand the concept of having created so much of the madness and the cyclical nature of it in life. I am aware of the role I've played in the perpetuation of self~destruction and now I am dealing with the fallout. It always comes back to the source, but my deal is that I'm about to break under the enormous amount of PAIN, that Yes, I created.

Here's the irony: This is why I drank in the first place, but it was for the emotional pain. Now I have both. The emotional pain EMBODIED! Fuck, it IS a cruel joke on me! I simply don't know what to do. I finally understand why people take their own lives ~ the pain swallows them whole and they see no relief in sight.

:upset:

[NoSugar]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Persephone,

At one point when I had a back and leg problem so severe that I could barely walk and could sleep for only 1-2 hours at a time because of the pain, it occurred to me also how suicide could be an option for "a person" to take. This was almost an intellectual understanding that I had not had before -- it was not something I was yet to the point of considering myself although it did seem like it would be impossible to live indefinitely with that level of pain.

It sounds like you are at that place but with emotional as well as physical pain. I am so sorry and though this sounds trite, the intense, overwhelming pain will pass. Right now relief isn't in sight but that doesn't mean it never will be. For unknown reasons, our bodies and minds can heal themselves if we give them time and do our best to be ready to heal. You are doing that by getting off alcohol and trying to eat nourishing foods. We are all stronger than we think we are.

Persephone, please PM me your phone number if you'd like to talk.

Love, NS