How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

[patrice]

Has anyone else had to cross out/ delete close family members ?
Is it ever the right thing to do?

I would be really grateful to hear others' experiences

Patrice
x

[patrice]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Yes Molly I have had a horrible upheaval... I have just realised my brothers are complete tossers and I have put up with their constant belittling, nasty behaviour for over 30 years and persuading my Mum to do things she wouldn't ordinarily do.. Dad only died 8 months ago and I am overseas so have no voice!!
What's worse is that now Mum has joined them!!!!
Yesterday I did drink because I really didn't know what to do
Today I haven't
Thank you
x

[Byrdlady]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Patrice...as I have said many times over on the !@#$%^&! Thread, my family is nucking futs! I declare, I don't know how 'they' all got so screwed up!! Hells Bells I'm an ALK, and I have the LEAST problems!!! My oldest 2 brothers don't speak. I'm not speaking to the oldest because he didn't come to my dad's funeral last month (and told me he was right up until time, so I worried sick HE was in an accident). My 2nd oldest brother and my sister are arguing over a ring my dad had so they aren't speaking...(my 2nd brother has 22 cats and is on public assistance). My dad had this ONE possession and THEY are fighting over it and trying to get me in the middle! I refuse.

What I have deduced is that I have to look after myself. Then my hubs, then his daughter. Everyone else is on his/her own. Nobody looked after me nor did I expect them to, so why should the weight of the world be on my shoulders? It shouldn't...I put it there. I cannot allow my family members to derail me. They are toxic. Yes, I still love them, but I will not get down in the pit with them any more.

I am so sympathetic, Patrice....but secure your own oxygen mask first before assisting others...or they will pull you down too (or at least MY family will). Strength dear lady!! Byrdie

P.S. Do you need a cat? :catroll:

[porqoui]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Hi Patrice

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?....you let them go.

Out of my 8 siblings, I communicate with 2 of them. As far as the rest of them go I tell myself I'm doing what's right for me. I've never put ME first, but not this time. Haven't regretted my actions once!

My ex was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently going through chemo/radiation. I'm here for the kids and we talk about things. They understand that their Dad was toxic to me and support my decision to have nothing to do with him. I feel sorry for him, just like I feel sorry for anyone who gets cancer, but that's the extent of it.

Sounds simple but it took alot of posts on the $%(#&%( thread to get to that point.

When it all gets too much read JC's Yesterday Today and Tomorrow post. Wish I had that to turn to when the doubts/guilt/anxiety hit.

You'll get through this your way and with all our love and support.....:hPPQP

[patrice]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Thanks so much girls, you have no idea of how much I appreciate that

And yes I did read that post of Jackie's and will print it out when I get back to work next week
I've screamed a bit today and muttered under my breath about how FUCKING UNFAIR it all is but it is what it is. I have tried SO hard to get on with my brothers and family, I've banged my head against a wall in the name of family.We are bombarded with images and ideals of what family is about but I guess for some of us it just isn't a happening thing.
My ex went out to buy a packet of cigarettes 3 years ago, and never came back leaving me in a foreign country having 2 days before signed a new contract so I was stuck there for another year. We have never seen him since but recently got an email from him saying his Mother died a year ago, left him a wad of money and he has now opened a resort on a tropical Island, I've never been happier he said, hope you are happy too!!! I kid you not.GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr Oh well we need to be dignified on this but sometimes hard isn't it? I did ask him if possibly he might be able to sling a bit of dosh our way now he was flush. Oh no, he said.. you don't know what it costs to set up a resort. GRRRRRRRRRRRR
But no drinking for me so I'm tops
Take Care
Patrice
x

[porqoui]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Patrice...

I know people who know people....just let me know :H

Stay on Top my girl...we're here. :h

[patrice]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

porqoui;1463787 wrote: Patrice...

I know people who know people....just let me know :H

Stay on Top my girl...we're here. :h

Now your'e talking Sista!!

[Lavande]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

patrice,

Your drinking over the actions of a cold, dysfunctional husband & uncaring family put us in the same boat. I finally came to the conclusion 4 years ago that drinking AT these people will never ever change them & only kill me eventually. My husband of 37 years threw his belonings into trash bags one Sunday evening & ran out in tears. There was no fighting, no arguing, nothing like that. We had just spent a lovely day with our son & his family. I was AF for over a year at that point & I decided he wasn't worth messing up my quit, so I didn't. I had finally started to really care about myself.

You have to care more about yourself & what's best for you :l
As far as extended family goes, I find most are completely dysfunctional - let them go if they are not serving you & your needs. That's what I have done

[patrice]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

Thank you Lavande, OMG how could your husband do that?? Well I guess that's a rhetorical question because he just did !!

I am gradually learning this lesson but like you, I'm just so not cold or dysfunctional in relationships so let them go I must.. not everyone is kind and caring like us, disappointing when it's pointed in out faces but dignity and self preservation must prevail

Anyway Lav you asked me what my future plan was yesterday?...., well I can tell you it is to remain sober and present. Thank you.

Patrice

[aihflvt]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

I know I'm late coming to this thread, but my mother moving back in with my father after nearly 20 years of separation has been really trying. I have a great relationship with my father, but my mother is a toxic, judgmental control freak. I feel awful I don't go see him much anymore, but she's so hard to take that he's been effectively isolated him from what was a caring extended family of siblings, nieces and nephews. The only people allowed to see him now are those she deems suitable, mostly from her social circle. She was physically and psychologically abusive when I was a child and continues to be psychologically abusive. Like when she gleefully told me a few years ago that she burned all my high school mementos: yearbooks, band and orchestra programs, certificates, even my high school diploma. My dad is in his 80s now, and is suffering from Non-Hodgkins lymphoma and I regularly get messages and emails from her about how he is at death's door, and when I talk to him on the phone, he sounds fine. Oh, she "lost" his cellphone so now I have to call the landline, her way of making everyone who wants to talk to him go through her. I used to take a flask with me when I went to visit them. I don't know what I'll do now.

[Struggles 106]

How do you deal with toxic family relationships?

HEY AIHFLVT

She burned your high school stuff? How weird and cruel! Sometimes we really have to work at not letting nutty stuff others do bother us so much. I could never be mean to my daughter so I guess I just don't understand it.

Maybe family members who are so terrible have to be out in the same category as everyone else who is toxic in our lives. Though of course they have more pull on our emotions since they are SUPPOSED to be kind, or so we think.

In family dynamics I think everyone has a "role" that they play and everyone gets comfortable with those roles. I was a bit of a black sheep so now that I have things together some of them can be uncomfortable with that, and tend to treat me with disdain as usual. I just don't accept it and know that my life is my responsibility. If they don't have the grace and true caring to be happy for me that is their shortcoming not mine.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. I think that is the way to go.