The Kradle Will Not Fall...
Someone once said that when you stop drinking, there's no place to go but down....well, when you've been high for a sizable portion of your life, this seems quite logical if not completely true.
2 solider years of trying to put on the brakes here and while I've slowed way way down...now what's happening is a kind of pressure cooker drinking- stressed, upset, anxious beyond all the tools in the tool box and I reach for one, maybe two to turn down the intensity.
That's it in a nut shell: I'm trying very very hard to simply ride all the feelings I've stuffed, stifled, avoided, crushed, denied...all those things which most people simply deal with and then get on with the messiness of life.
Now little by little they are crawling to the surface- I don't know how to do anything be a mom, be a wife, be a friend, be a money maker, clean the house, grow a garden, take a picture, hang a mirror, paint a wall, spell.
I do know my social security number though...the last 4 digits anyway.
So hard to acknowledge this, live with this. I know that I only have to pick my way through this forest of failures and I should come the other side. Right??
Still crying all the time...not drinking....headaches...went to the Zoo light exhibit tonight and just felt...well, very little actually. Was there with the twins and my nephew and his wife and new baby and honestly I wanted to be there with my friends or maybe with someone form here...I love my family but honestly, my nephew married a beautiful woman from the Ukrane whom I think I can honestly say the only thing she likes about The United States is my Nephew and she only likes him because, frankly he doesn't like America much...I had to listen to a full description of the slaughter of Native Americans at Wounded knee- apparently it's the anniversary...really cheery...I wanted to say that the Indians got their revenge at little Big horn but, decided to keep my mouth shut...
I'm sorry; I'm so tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Love you all.
:l:h
Someone once said that when you stop drinking, there's no place to go but down....well, when you've been high for a sizable portion of your life, this seems quite logical if not completely true.
2 solider years of trying to put on the brakes here and while I've slowed way way down...now what's happening is a kind of pressure cooker drinking- stressed, upset, anxious beyond all the tools in the tool box and I reach for one, maybe two to turn down the intensity.
That's it in a nut shell: I'm trying very very hard to simply ride all the feelings I've stuffed, stifled, avoided, crushed, denied...all those things which most people simply deal with and then get on with the messiness of life.
Now little by little they are crawling to the surface- I don't know how to do anything be a mom, be a wife, be a friend, be a money maker, clean the house, grow a garden, take a picture, hang a mirror, paint a wall, spell.
I do know my social security number though...the last 4 digits anyway.
So hard to acknowledge this, live with this. I know that I only have to pick my way through this forest of failures and I should come the other side. Right??
Still crying all the time...not drinking....headaches...went to the Zoo light exhibit tonight and just felt...well, very little actually. Was there with the twins and my nephew and his wife and new baby and honestly I wanted to be there with my friends or maybe with someone form here...I love my family but honestly, my nephew married a beautiful woman from the Ukrane whom I think I can honestly say the only thing she likes about The United States is my Nephew and she only likes him because, frankly he doesn't like America much...I had to listen to a full description of the slaughter of Native Americans at Wounded knee- apparently it's the anniversary...really cheery...I wanted to say that the Indians got their revenge at little Big horn but, decided to keep my mouth shut...
I'm sorry; I'm so tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Love you all.
:l:h
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