The Kradle Will Not Fall...

[Dottie Belle]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle we are here....vent/rant whatever it takes to not drink....(())

[NoSugar]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

There is no way a drink is going to make any of that better, Kradle, and by morning, will have made everything much, much worse. You know all that so just play it forward and think about how proud you'll be when you wake up :l.

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Dearest Kradle - I hope you are ok and that you got through the night without drinking. I am very familiar with that "sick of everything...just don't feel well" feeling. I think it happens to most of us from time to time. Just remember that you are doing whats best for Mathieu, and that he is getting better. This will all be over eventually. Plus, remember how much WE love you! :h Stay strong my dear friend!

[Dottie Belle]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle u ok??? Please come here and talk to us...we care!!

[mama bear]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Love you girl

[fennel]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle, please come and hang out with us tonight. :h

[paulywogg]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle,where are you?is everything o.k?i stupidly drank on tuesday when Michelle left,dumbo! i woke up still drunk,went to work it was slow as balls,so i left and came home to clean her room,alot of emotions i did NOT want to deal with you know?so the al brain totally took over,son of a beach! im wondering if it ever goes away,please check in sweetheart,we are here through thick and thin you know that,and you said you'd keep an eye on my kid haha,she text me pics last nite,twas raining,but i guess thats the usual,hugs to you,and a big fat kiss

[Glass Half Empty]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Oh Kradle - I'm so sorry sweetheart. I wish I could give more than these :l :h :l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Been a very hard last few days...though I'm sure not as hard as for some....
The inverted ankle on thrust was awful. God it hurt....when people ask me how I did it, my head goes to a very strange place of guilt and shame...I think they are all thinking I was hammered and fell down the steps.
I swear I didn't...i was trying to stop Madison from setting her candy bars down on the wet grass- lots of rain lately...see even here I think I need to explain myself

Bought the boat but couldn't even go to get it...still, I do love the boat:h

Matthieu had a huge setback today...well, I guess it was last week...same old stuff...I'm so floored by it actually, I don't even want to write about it.... I have to keep remembering that he's in the best place he can get and I think he is trying...despite what's happening...:no:
...

The girls are fighting ALOT...I hate that. I can feel the sailor sized knot twisting in my stomach when they start...we keep talking to them- using Arbinger- this is going to take a lot of time.

Alcohol really has pushed my life right out off the center lane. My boxes are so big and varied- it's going to take forever to untangle them...

Ok....back to my regularly scheduled programming

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

PS- Glass, Pauly I'm so sorry I didn't respond here to your wonderful words. :l
I hadn't checked my thread I'm afraid.

Thank you:h

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Love you Miss K! :h Hang in there dear friend :l

[Zenstyle]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I second what Niner said... hang in there Kradle... :l

[mama bear]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

we are here sweetie

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I didn't drink last night and I'm really proud of myself. I wanted too....I ate ALOT and of course that doesn't feel great but the alternative of course...well, we all know that that is...

To think I used to use AL as a strange form of weight control...maybe I though in my twisted head that throwing up after drinking too much was an acceptable form of bulimia ...

Will check in later...:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I got this email from Mathieu after learning her had taken gloves from the dentist where his broken tooth from being punched by another boy was being seen and he picked up cigarrette butts before he went back to the Ranch...Don't have any idea how he did this...

Well, There were so many crappy things about what he did, the least of which is that I had just talked to him on Sunday and he said absolutely nothing about any of this...it was all discovered Monday- which, coincidently, we had a family therapy session on...
Needless to say I did not handle this well. I left the room and lay in my bedroom barely listening to my huband talk to Dena his Therapist...:upset:

I felt suddenly so heavy with despair and sadness.
It was almost like when you first find out you're pregnant- overwhelmed, exhaisted, resigned, scared out of your mind...:no:
I eventually joined the session. Tried not to be cruel. Tried not to be sarcastic or critical, tried not be completly unhelpful and negative...I was partially succesful as you can imagine. Good thing the session was almost over when I got back in the game....

So here is what he wrote me on Tuesday, the day after our therapy... Thankfully I had had some time to process this set back, cry, rant, chant...I didn't drink at least not for a while:

SO here's the letter- I am posting it becaseu I just know that I am not alone in this difficult, crazy journey with our beautiful children... We all have sons and daughters. I'm not alone. You'r e not alone- Be warned though - -this is long.....

Dear Mom and Dad,

I want to start off saying that I am so so sorry for not telling you.. The action would not have been half as bad if I had just come out with it, and of all people in the world I should be able to trust you. What I did was inexusable and that is why I have chosen to drop myself today in ranch meeting. I don't want you guys to think that I am back where I started when I came here, and I promise with all my heart, I will be honest with you with everything I tell you from now on. I know you have heard this multiple times before, but I think you can agree with me when I say that this is from the heart and I will keep my promise. Mom, hearing you say those things monday was like someone taking my heart and squeezing it until it turned to dust, like in once apon a time. The reality was different but the feeling the same.

I cannot express to you how much you guys mean to me, all you're support has been what is driving me through this program even more than the aspect of me one day going home a man of integrity. I was weak, I slipped back into my old pattern down the ski slope, only because it was so easy and reachable and chose not to take the harder but more rewarding path. You know how I told you guys that I would trade all the horses and the good experiences for one ciggarette? Well I realized, that was just my less than box speaking. That was me telling myself that I was inevitably going to fail. And that was me giving up on myself but more importantly you two.

I think that some part of me has been hiding behind my less than box this entire time as an exuse to fail, an exuse to think lowly of myself and tell myself that I am not worth it. My surface thought was that I was much better than I was when I first came here, and I used that as a total justification for not only my better than box but also my less than. Because after all this time and all this progress I made, I was still only just a greenhorn or a drover and people whom I thought to have made more progress than were point leaders and could go off ranch.

One thing that I think I have proven without doubt is that I am terrified of success. Not on the surface level but because of my less than box when I made drover I thought that I had long deserved and awaited the rank but also because of that thought and my own self-worth, or lack thereof, I didn't deserve it at the same time and would never advance past it so what was the point in being it. Another thing that I think led to me doing what I did was the fact that it fealt absolutely no different being a drover. All this time I thought being drover would feel SO MUCH different and that my life could finally progress as I had made it but I was completely wrong. As I was about all my other thoughts and especially my actions.

I cannot express in words how sorry I am to both of you.. The concept of losing you're support is the most terrifying thing in the world to me and I am going to do everything in my power from now on to make sure that doesn't happen.

I love you both more than I want to think about..

Later I will post what Ron, the Ranch's director sent me. Everyone at Arivaca is so loving, truly. We will make it through. Thanks to all of you for just staying on this journey with me..and with Mathieu
:l:h