The Kradle Will Not Fall...

[SoberSoul]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

You just packed away tons of anti-oxidents and vitamins, Kradle... good for you... you must be absolutely glowing with vitality.

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hello again my people- I am trying to stay faithful to the Thread! Hope everyone had a safe and memorable fourth. Thanks to MWO I am now actually remembering holidays! Woo Hoo...who would have thought!

So yesterday was without a doubt one of the most surreal days I have spent in some time. With plans to launch the boat and drop the crab pots, my family heads down to the beach and, yes, to my dismay my Ex best friend is there with the twins and all...Well, there's no keeping my twins from her twins so I think at least the kids are happy and I get to be on the water in my cool boat catching crab...

But no. The weather turned against us so after dropping the pots and tooling around a bit we head back in. At The dock the kids came running back up to the boat whispering and giggling that daddy is talking to our Ex- best friends and really getting along!
And I'm there thinking 'Shit' I do not want to have to paste on a happy face today and act like the last year and a half of my life simply didn?t happen...uch:

But the next thing I know, there I am chatting away like old times! And their boat was having trouble so of course the guys break out all the Manly tools and start doing Manly things....

And then the next thing I know ... ...I am back up at the picnic table, breaking out the cooler and the chips and salad and the drinks and taking pictures and talking away and generally feeling like I have just fallin down some huge private rabbit hole....

We ended up staying the whole day there and watching the fire works at 10pm- they put on an incredible display down there and you can even watch the Fireworks across the sound from Seattle so it?s pretty cool...

The kids just had an absolute blast.. Best Day Ever! As Madison said...though my favorite line cam from Sedona who says in the car, 'That was so much fun Mom and Dad that I almost passed out!'.?

It was all just...indescribable. Truly. But..and here?s the rub.. I am very sorry to report that she is not Sober...not by a long shot...and there may be some of you who have followed my story here that are so thinking, 'Well, no shit Sherlock' !

But I really thought she had pulled that part together but alas. No. :upset:
I won't get into details but suffice to say, I kept all the conversation easy breezy and when she started to go down the sentimental, messy side of what had happened to us, I gently steered her in another direction. I knew in the end she wouldn?t remember anything anyway...

My husband and I where pretty tired and dazed form it all but very very happy that our kids can be back together. I wish you could see those girls playing. It?s just glorious. They interact the way I wish I had been able to do as a kid. They all just love each other to pieces. We should all be so lucky to have friends like that in our lives!

So we will go slow now, dipping our toes back into the friendship. I am eyes wide open now thanks to all my people here I could definitely see loud and clear last night how I could easily I could get sucked back into all that crazy crap.......

So that way my weird and wonderful fourth- Independence from My Box!! :yougo:
and Thank you Arbinger! -= Matt would be so proud..ha ha
I truly was able to see her as a person last night and not an obstacle- She is someone in a great deal of pain...which don't worry, I know I can't fix but at least I can approach it all with deep compassion and calm which there was no way I could have before....And the kids get to grow together again- A true win win!

Thank you again my people for being part of this outstanding community. I wish I could just run out and buy you all...I don't know Jewelry... :l

[Pie]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle123;1679325 wrote: I can approach it all with deep compassion and calm which there was no way I could have before

Thank you again my people for being part of this outstanding community. I wish I could just run out and buy you all...I don't know Jewelry... :l

Thank you for your post, Kradle. Compassion, calm. and this outstanding community, much to be grateful for.

Pie

[SoberSoul]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Lovely, heartwarming post, Kradle. You are not the same person you were back in the day. you've grown so much and become a lot wiser. All her sadness, craziness, drunkenness is not about YOU; it's about her. Your job is to not react and you are doing it so well. Just embrace the good from the tentative friendship, ignore the negative while keeping your antennae up for any shenanagins that might lead to your girls getting hurt.

Very proud of you sista!!

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Thank you so much SS :land Pie :l.. Yes, this is truly a one day at a time situation.

So grateful I have all of you. Wouldn't give been able to see clearly without you. I'm going yo try to keep up to date here.
I'm heading to see Mathieu this Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it more now than I was a few days ago. He can go off ranch so we can explore Arivaca a bit and spend time at the B&B cooking and watching movies...I think this visit will be more about just 'being' rather then analyzing or psychobabbling away....
I'll stay close. I'm bring my iPad and my lap top!
:h

[mama bear]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle...Sober is spot on...SHE has the problems...not you
As you know, I have been dealing with a psychotic B at work and when I made the decision that she was not going to drag me down any more, things got miraculously better. I will no longer let her in my head. I will no longer take it out on my family. I chose to follow joy.
And, I have chosen to drink due to stress, as well. We all have.
I am so excited for your visit with Matt. It will be wonderful and he is lucky to have you and your hubs as parents.

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Thanks Mama :l

I am going to stay close to you all while I am there...iPad is locked and loaded!!!:h

[SoberSoul]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

You son sounds like a chip off the old block in his creative ability with his written word. He's headed towards good things now that you have set him on the right direction. He will thank you later, he really will.

[Kradle123]

Oh my god according to the dates on this, I haven't written here since July...that can't be right. I went to see Mathieu in March...or thereabouts . Well, so much has happened since then, the MWO move not withstanding ....

I'm not certain if I'm just missing posts here but, Doesn't really matter does it? The story continues ...
Ok...here goes: the visit with Mathieu was surreal - I cried like a baby when I say him outside his counsellors office. He was almost 6 feet tall, muscles and manliness. I couldn't believe it and I felt completely sick and joyous. My little guy was so grown up and I had missed it....
He was thrilled to get off the ranch. When he made point leader he was able to go into town, Arivaca . Wow what a cute little place. It's a haven for self described ex hippies really... But make no mistake, it's the sixties generation with so buck in their pockets ..or at least there kids have bucks in their pockets! I love it there. That sounds odd considering the circumstance but the Arivaca people know the Ranch and our children and everywhere I went I felt understood and welcomed....a little like here!!
I took Ihim around the town and the local mercantile store where he asked for many many things...soda, candy....and he asked me to understand how hard it was to walk by the cigarettes ...it made me uneasy.
He stayed with me at the action center until I took him back for the evening and we watched some movies. We had some wonderful talks, very honest.
He wanted so badly to go to the skate park. It was very strange...it was very hot!! Wanted him to enjoy himself. I did though there was so many awful memories from the skate park here at home... I was trying to see him as a different kid, a different mindset. I seemed to go in and out of that perception because one minute he was seamed clear on why he was there and the next, I could see the old arrogance, the old self deceptive lines coming out of his mouth....
I'd like to say he caught himself and stopped but it got worse actually. The longer I stayed, the more demanding and whiny he got. I felt very trapped by th rend of the visit" I wanted to acknowledge all the progress he had made but I couldn't ignore that he/we still had a long long way to go...
And a few weeks after I returned home, well, he did something stupid and got himself dropped back to Drover Status which is one leg below where he was was with point leader...a demotion if you will. I wasn't suprised but I was still just so sick about it. Back in our therapy calls he apologized to me for the visit- he admitted that he was freaked by my being there and just didn't knows how to handle it so he relied on his all his old coping skills...manipulation, arrogance, I deserve box....eat.... Well, I can certainly relate to falling back on old coping skills !! Ha ha I think I have written that book and all six million revisions over th least five years!

So even though the visit wasn't all I had hoped, it served to move us closer to getting well.

And we continue months ahead now, which is where we are with Matt. He was scheduled to come home in August but that has not happened....in fact he is probably about 2 more months away from graduating....we had a terrible phone call last month where he just insisted that I bring him home...he could make it out here with out graduating ( graduating the programse is of course huge...to not graduate would be like climbing Mt. Everest and then turning around right before you got to the top) that was a bad few weeks where I almost brought him home. I am happy to say that throught the support here and at home I stayed strong and said No!, I'm sure all the parents can relate how soul sucking it is to listen to your child plead with you to help him and have to try to explain that you Are helping him...by not giving in to him... It was awful...:sad:

But I think we are back on track. The therapy calls have been very productive. I wasn't sure about his new counselor at first- she is very no nonsense and a bit humorless but she is growing on me....shye is also a recovered Alcoholic so I can talk to her about my own addictions....

As to my drinking.....speaking of addictions. I am still not AL free. It doesn't rule me like before but I can see where it could...
I pop over to the Newbie Nest A lot these days because I think I need an infusion of hope and good Ol fashioned kick up the butt.. It's amazing how complacent I can became despite my past always hanging onto to my elbow.

Ok I've written a lot and need to get ready to go see my counselor believe it or not. I haven't seen him in a bit and I love him.- he is a very wise and compassionate person. I wish I could see myself and the world the way he does....he works hard at it though....being happy and healthy is not for the faint of heart

I'll be back with updates...I just need to be disciplined in writing this journal...it helps me. I hope it helps someone else too.

Love you my people.
Hugs and heart ��
Kradle

[Kradle123]

What a horrible day...though not as horrible as it was for some. After receiving an awful me,kale about Matt, having work go south on me, the girls fighting all frickne morning and then this horrible shooting in Marysville....:sad:
I couldn't help but think of Matt while listening to the newscast ...I can't let him be in that public school environment - I am so afraid for him...for all our kids. But Mathieu is so self deceived ...I'm at a loss I guess...I feel so sad...my husband says I am just going over an emotional cliff and I need to pull back...Mathieu has made a lot of progress...we are all of our own schedules.....right now my schedule s totally screwy ... But I'm not drinking...eating chocolate and carbs but no AL...
Back tomorrow....

[Kradle123]

I didn't drink tonight. Yea! :welldone: well, I have matts therapy call tomorrow ...I'm determined to get the time right!!! I miss him soooo much. Spent a long time emailing him pics and videos of the girls pageant only to realize they wouldn't go thru...

I think iI'm going to stay on my thread for a bit. I feel very self...reflective these days and it so hard keeping up and I feel so badly when I can't comment, speak to people.
Maybe I need a blog...:eek-new: no being here is enough.
Love to my people. Everyone sleep well. :heartbeat:

[fennel]

How did today's call go, Kradle? :heartbeat:

[Kradle123]

Good morning fen and thanks for asking!
The call went really well though I came away pretty depressed because it's looking like he will not be home by Christmas which is also his 16th birthday...I'm really struggling with that little reality- certainly not the coming of age party I had planned for my son while changing his diapers back in the day.
But he was very mature about it- said that everything for him now is one day at a time and it's all good in the long run...
Have his Sunday call here in about half hour... I'm going to stay positive and focused. Fingers crossed! :heartbeat:

[fennel]

Awww, Kradle...sorry about Matt not being home by Christmas. It sounds like he's dealing with it okay, though. I hope today's call goes well. :heartbeat:

[Kradle123]

Well, it's been a long time a coming' as the song goes but my strong, wonderful guy has finally made maverick and will be home for his home visit This Thursday !! :yay:

We only get him till the following Wednesday but I've missed him so much! I can't wait!!
Thanks to everyone who has stuck by me through this, I'll keep you all posted. :hug: