The Kradle Will Not Fall...

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle you are my hero and I am so proud to be your friend and your little 'project'. You can do whatever you set your mind to and I will be here for you; not running away again.

Take it minute by minute; be present as the Buddha teachings say and keep taking comfort in anything but you know what!!

Heading out now so have to run. Hopefully we'll be encouraging each other and gaining momentum day by day. Day one for me. I'm hot on your tail, girl... a few steps behind you but pulling at the bit. xoxoxo

[BHOG]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle-
You are not your parents! And you are working hard to be a good parent yourself. (Perhaps looking back and thinking, well, Mom and Dad did this, and I didn't like it?)
You are going to be fine, you are going to do well. Just remember. In my opinion, the only way we become better is to "own" ourselves. That is, we need to make changes first and foremost, for ourselves.
You CAN do this. You DESERVE this.
BHOG

[Mick]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle well done you......:goodjobn the af days..you say you spend lots of time surfing the urges..how are you surfing them?are you challenging yourself at the time...

for instance when I got the urges badly to start with .I would go through the whole litany,

why did need that drink
what good will it do you if you drink it
Can I drink anything else instead..if not why not
do I want to stop drinking
what damage am I doing to my health drinking
will this drink resolve the issue I am stressing about
Could I use the money elsewhere
what could I buy with the money saved
what do my children think about my drinking

go through it all in slow time..even write it down again and again ..doesnt matter how many tiimes ...drink lots of glasses of water..other method..count back really slowly from 600...have a glass/half glass of water at every hundred stop.
Print out and read junkies response over and over again..read characters into it not just skim read
Really put yourself through the mill..do this as many times as it takes to surf that urge....

hope this helps you a wee bit

[BHOG]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle-This made me think "God, even the dog stressed me out tonight. "
DW and I have a yellow lab/greyhound mix, rescue dog. When we get home at night, he has to jump up, put the front paws around our waists, and then -I'm not sure how to explain it, kind of a gurgle/growl/low bark, like he is speaking to us. When we both are home and in the kitchen, he does this to both of us at the same time, group hug!
It really feels good. But then, he gets me up in the middle of the night for his outside trip (most nights) Grrr.
BHOG

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Well it's taking me forever to figure out this damn Laptop- I've lost so many posts trying to write on it here I'm back on the IPad - sigh...
DH Is finally back so I can take some pressure off the pressure cooker. I have had e see saw smiley :teeter:in my head for the last few days...yuk! The girls had so many projects and classes and I have to keep saying to myself over and over..they're only ten; they're only ten; they're only ten.....

And last night at the dog park I was talking to a gal and her husband whether border collie got fairly aggressive with Luna- just you basic ball possession stuff...Well their 16 year old son just went off!! Swearing and scolding the dog. Telling e mom how inept she was in handling the dog and they better leave NOW for fucks sake... uch: all I can say is I absolutely thought I'd been shot a future glimpse of Mathieu at 16 and it sure as heck wasn't James at 16 ( for all you oldies who remember that sappy coming of age series in the seventies )

I handed that mom my card and spoke a bit about Matt and the program we are using with him. I felt badly. You Could tell they had no idea what was going with that kid. I hope they look up the program. Oh and Luna didn't upset me today, Bhog! But I love the pic in my head of all of you in the kitchen getting a big Lab Group hug!

Thank you Mick For you list. I've Ben using it slowly in. My head. It helps and I do have lots and lots of water at ALL TIMES with me.

Speaking of Matt, he goes in today for his eval with the ARNP. It's 2 hours long....I hope Dr. G. can give us some more tools for him. God I can't end up with what I saw at the dog park. Holy Hemlock, Batman!

So I'm on day..umm not certain. Something like 18 or so and I am realizing more and more this time that I have absolutely NO IDEA who I am not drinking...I mean None
And I am getting these strange flashes of memory dating back to the Romans when I was say...sixteen or so....it feels like some warped puzzle being tossed around in my head and TBH I am not digging this at all. Very disorientating. Definitely makes me want to drink.
But I am pushing ahead and though I complain about all the projects and activities, I think in the long run its saving my butt. No time to buy bacardi...and I have all that driving to do.

My biggest obstacle this week, sadly I say this is I can not get that awful woman from the iiT factor out of my head...isn't that just friggin ridiculous ???? But it seems everywhere I go I see that studio is performing here and there and then the worst is the girls friends they made there won't talk to them because of 'what their mom did...' God it's like being trapped in one of those terrible movies where the main character is accused of some crime they didn't commit and it destroys their whole life and no one believes them!! :upset:

The other night I'm at the girls school choir show and one of the moms I had gotten to know looked at me like I was fricken Hanibal Lectur...I was just sick.

I don't know how to shake this really. I listen to my CD's, I chant, I deliberately force my mind to think of other things, I even wrote a pretty funny and yes therapeutic song about this woman and the experience all to the tune of Pure Prairie Leagues 'Amy' . Nothing seems to be working that well however...
Oh well, I can come here and vent I suppose. Maybe I'll get bored with myself...

Time to get up and out I guess...girls have choir practice this morning...and an audition tomorrow night... I hope this doesn't make me want to drink...

:l

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle, my dear, you sure have your hands full. Where did you ever find time to actually sit down with a drink. i do remember those crazy days though having had three children all in competitive sports. My drinking started at the tail end that chaotic time not coincidently..

That lady has really done some nastiness in your life by the sounds of it. I have always told my kids when they worried about what was being said about them that you are only top news for a short time and then everyone looks for someone else to pick on. This too shall pass as they say.

Eighteen days without a drink is amazing by my standards and I hope you can find some time to relax and enjoy your sober self.. like you say, breathe.

Good for you for finding the time to post. Very grateful to have gotten to 'know' you a little.

Tips

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Tipp. :h

You got me thinking. I don't think I ever really sat down with a drink...I was/am always moving. I think Im like a shark: afraid I'll suffocate if I stay still... also I used to have several drinks roaming through the house because I usually forgot where. Put them...

Well, I just got back from the pharmacy and it was CLOSED...this is nt good as I am out of my Lamictal and I can already feel those stacks of stones magically appearing on my chest...this is where a few rum and tonics or a few glasses of shiraz come in handy for the short term...ugh....

Well, They open tomorrow at ten. I can hang on....

:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

OMG! I took 2 Advil PM's last night to get to sleep and it's almost one o'clock here and I still feel like I'm walking under water...god I can't believe I used to take this stuff with several glasses of wine back in the day..how in the world did I ever do Anything... ???

:wow:

[NoraC]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle - so very happy that you started this. I always love your posts and am so happy that you are sharing your journey with us. :l:l

[199days]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Good thread Kradle, grind it out and get what you want ! You can do this.

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi everybody and happy Sunday!

Feeling much better tonight. Running out of of lamictol was rather dumb of me but proving again that I might have some ...issues...ahem...

Girls auditioned for a Spring showcase tonight. God those Christmas shows made me want to drink but this seemed much more doable. Still I can truly see why artists//performers have such a high rate of addiction - the highs, the lows, the intensity of it all..geez Louise...

Took Matt for his Eval yesterday with Dr. G. and I am sorry to say that he has no chemical or medicinal issues...strictly oppositional Defiant -No ADD or ADHD or depression. All that we can treat but this, this is pure cognitive, behavioral therapy...:upset: Dr G really nailed it- Matt has simply settled for this Mediocre, flunky trajectory and he only has maybe a year to turn it around until the choices he is making today have big fat repercussions in his future.
The good news though is that if he turns it around but runs into trouble, Dr.G. Can help.

I truly admire and like this Dr. He is very insightful and no nonsense but he doesn't treat ODD. Kind of reminded me of the mess debate that crops up here sometimes ie are meds necessary- well if you want to change badly enough but get stuck in the Chemistry, then medication is a wonderful addition to the tool box. Trouble with Matt is that he really doesn't want to change. He just thinks he does... A dream with no drive so to speak...
And he's so talented too. :sigh:

Really staying close to everyone here. Techie you are so right, peer pressure!! :H

Watching Grease with the girls. Feet up. Ice cream in the bowl... Good Times...

:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Off day...just finding it very hard to stay centered. Listened to my CD"s - barely made it through the 1st half...walked, worked, cleaned..just feel yuk...am buying some birthday gifts for the girls and I see this beautiful hand cut glass drinks set and immediately think I could buy this and a bottle of rum on my way home....WTF??

Bought my lemons instead.?.and whipped cream.

reset reset, reset reset!!!

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle -

I hate it when my mind jumps back to my old thinking...the weirdest things can trigger it too. But you stayed strong and you reset your brain. Good job! Another victory for you, and another loss for the Beast. Sometimes we have to be SO pro-active in this fight. Again, I feel "the perfect storm" building this weekend...will be alone ALL weekend...feeling pretty solid in my quit so maybe a few drinks wouldn't hurt? WRONG...a few drinks (even ONE drink) would hurt...A LOT. I am just NOT going there again. I took two Antabuse yesterday and two today, and I will continue until this crazy urge passes!

Again...good job. Keep fighting...you are the BOSS...not alcohol!

[BHOG]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle-
That was amazing; not that you "thought about it", BUT that you ended it with a WTF!
That is what "the beast" and "Uncle AL" want us to do, to give in so they can F*** up our lives again.
Good Job.
You ROCK, Kradle! LOl

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Thank you so much Mr. B. I needed to hear that. Don't feel to rockin' today. I think this thread might turn into the Head Thread. The last few days not a tremendous amount going on aside from the usual mommy kid stuff but several incidents have just put me right upside my head and it is a frightful, tug of war place to be.

Dear H. tells me on Monday that he has decided to go into the woods so he can quite smoking. There's a tip for you K9 He tells me this while we are all on the couch watching a film...in front of the kids...I am just fricken' floored. So what to do? He says this is really what he needs but it's the girls Birthday week and I too am overwhelmed...Well he didn’t go but of course I feel like shit. I feel so ...overwhelmed. And I do not want to feel like this.

But it gets worse. Well a little better but then worse. Suzie sends me an email about another parent who has pulled her kid from that music studio because of you know who. And Suzie's writing a review of the business which you can do now on the internet. I read the review. It was very good. I wrote a review too. Haven't posted it yet but it will feel good to have a say finally. Still I'm so incredibly sad it all ended this way. It shouldn't have ended that way. The kids were so happy. So was I. And I wasn't drinking which makes it worse because I can't blame that. Only my dumb ass decisions. Even though the girls are doing well in their other dance class and singing group it still feels sickening to me.

Then it gets worse again. The girls are crying this morning because there good friend has won this pretty amazing award from their school. It's basically a 'You are an outstanding person academically, artistically, socially, spiritually Award. And the fact is, this little girl is phenomena. No question. But this friend doesn't talk to us anymore because that iiT Factor $%&*(*( has basically painted my family as lying crazy people...It's beyond awful. And I kept thinking tonight: Okay, let me get this straight...The most respected, loved kid in the entire school (and she is a wonderful kid-I just loved her) now hates my family's guts...and why? Why is this so??

I've been going over and over it and all I can think of is my Karma is so frickn deep. I keep attracting these kinds of people who come into my life and together we turn everything upside down. And this particular little situation got so fucked up...I sound like a broken record here but I am so unhappy here.

Did you know that everyone is gone? The other night I am lying there and that's all I can think about. Everyone I love or had a relationship is gone now.

Let's do a body count shall we without naming names...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,,8 others I can't think of. And these were not drinking buddies...well 2 were but the rest were good people. People I was glad to have as friends but they have gone. Just gone and I know allot was Matt but Matt is me so they are gone because of me.

Sounds stupid but no one calls anymore. The last few months I started to notice. No calls. No texts. It's always blank now. I've turned my verizon account now to 400 mins down from 1400...That's pretty...not happy. :upset:

I keep reading here alot. People far along. People only a few days but they all seem to have their lives where they left them for better or for worse.

Mine just seems to have...disappeared.... I want to feel the gratitude part...not there at this time...
That's all for now. Didn't drink tonight. No AL in the house anyway.