The Kradle Will Not Fall...

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Kradle, like DG said, you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and are carrying on. With all that you have on your plate, it's no wonder you get tempted. I remember when my adopted daughter was 14, her wild, out of control behaviour was a real catalyst for my drinking.

Glad to see you are still posting, love reading your intelligent insights.

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Kradle!

Hang in there friend :l
What's on your agenda for today? Some "Me Time" I hope!!!!

[BHOG]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle-
Sending you hugs and good thoughts. Stay close!
Don't give in, you are better than that!

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Wrote a long heartfelt post and it completely disappeared... :l

Boy do I hate that.

Mostly wrote on how I have no umph to write... Can't believe I have been here almost a year. Not drinking...still here.

Will post more tomorrow.
:l

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I am so glad you ARE still here as I tend to breeze in and out with no thought for anyone other than myself. The stresses of where you are in your life remind me so much of me 15 years ago. Every time i turned a corner a kid was in trouble or sick or needing more of me than I had to give. At that time I was married to a man with whom I was very incompatible so I had no where to get comfort and understanding. I didn't have this site to lean on. That's when my drinking started as i said.

Kradle you have chosen a time in your life to clean up your health and banish your self-defeating habits that is the absolute worst. That's why I look up to you so much. You express yourself so well and we can actually feel what you're going through as a result.

i am sorry i haven't been as supportive as I could be. I have been doing a lot of 'navel gazing' recently in order to get myself off the merry-go-round of boozing/not boozing.

Keep posting and keep off the booze .. I am rooting for you all the way.

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Well, have been running like the road runner and nearly brain dead to boot the last few days... I honestly can NOT remember when I felt this dismembered from my body from my mind even when drinking.

If this is sober then I am not liking this one little bit... :upset:

I know the munchkins are in the mix but really?? I've always been healthy, eating well, lots to keep my interest and activities I love but months have past I am just draining like a winter pipe: weird analogy perhaps but I have a vivid memory of having to run around and shut off all the water pipes in my parents Summer house so they could drain... And not burst from freezing in the winter.

Maybe that's what happening to me. I'm getting ready to burst............

I got an email from an old friend in Tennessee. Ah the lazy hazy crazy days of Tennessee...a lifetime ago but incredibly vivid. The twins were born there! Anyway, She is getting reading to take her one woman stage show over to Maine to perform. She's been perfecting and performing this work since 2005. It s a bit like Hal Linden's (remember Barney Miller?? ) one man Mark Twain show: just Hal and a rocking chair a whole lot of monologue... I Am very very proud of her. She's doing what we loves...doing what she was born to do and doing it all through an absolute shit storm from brain cancer ! with the added bonus of full throttle brain surgery- we made her this great t shirt which said something like , " if you thought you were having a bad day, I just had brain surgery...
To the next year being diagnosed with leukemia .. I mean come on! :wow: the only life obstacle missing here was Maybe amputating a limb....
Oh and her husband developed a very 'concerning' little addiction to Vodka...

But there she is, plowing headlong through it all with a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants... I am really proud of her.

I could write something trite now about inspiration and hope and perseverance and life's lessons and all of that would be true but it wouldn't be complete. Because what's missing in the mix of all that sentiment is my own unique, personal inability to pull my own ass up and out of my own shit storm...

Aye, there's the rub as someone once said... The rub that stops me every fricken time from making real headway, real empirical if you will, progress ??? What the hell is it???

Maybe I am making some progress. Yes, I must be making some forward motion here. It's been almost a year and even I have to admit I am no where near the same condition I was coming here last May. I was beyond isolated then from my husband, my work, and if I'm honest, from my kids as well. You can't be drinking every night and be building a close authentic relationship with your kids...well with anyone for that matter............

And you know that might explain a few lost loves along the way here these last 12 months...no names please- way to painful still...:upset:

Jeez I really would hate to view most of my life here as almost Skeletal given all the drinking these last 25 years...

To steal Mr. G's Analogy, I started building my house 25 years ago and never got past the fucking frame work...how fun is that ? uch:

Well Tipp, I'm not so certain that I actually Choose this time in my life to clean up old habits and pull it together as IT choose me. Theres an old book called The Last Chance Texaco by Brent someone who uses this "Last Stop to Gas up before entering miles of nothingness' Texico Station to symbolize the main character's last chance to get it together before she ends up basically dead or in jail... Rickie Lee Jones wrote a wonderful, haunting song about it. I used to sing it all the time when I was 16. Had no idea what the lyrics meant and I sure as hell never thought I'd be living it. how karmic is that? Yuk...

So perhaps MWO s my Last Chance Texico. Kind of like Gas up or Get out sort of scenario.

Ok..enough boo-hooing and bitching. At least I have a fricken car and money for gas so all is not lost...oh and I have all my wonderful peeps at the Texico! :l
:h

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

That's what is so great about MWO. It's a perfect venue for venting and there are people hear who are interested, concerned and in many cases, been there done that.

My daughter called me in tears last night as her live-in boyfriend announced he is moving out which leaves her emotionally and financially devastated. My only advice to her was that what may seem like a disaster right now ALWAYS looks better in hindsight and things do improve if we move from day to day with hope for the future. Easy to say and hard to do but it applies to you, Kradle and me on my bad days and every one of us who struggle.

Keep venting and try to feel our cyber hugs and loving energy. But for the Grace of Gawd Go I. Misspelled God on purpose as I am not sure where I stand on the God issue... I like to call "Creative Intelligence" but that doesn't go well with the 'but for the Grace ...' line. .. but that's fodder for another conversation.

Love reading your truths.

xx

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I can't believe I did this. I must be out of my fricken mind: :nutso:

Even though we are watching ourselves financially, D and I went and signed up for a Save -More Vacation lifetime membership last Friday!!!! - $5200.00 :nutso:

We only sat thru the presentation to get the 2 night stay voucher to the Great Wolf Lodge- for those who don't know this water park is incredible, close to home and usually 200.00 dollars plus a night...and that's for a basic room!

So sitting thru this little sales spiel sounded a small price to pay for that. And kids are thrilled. I promised them the Great Wolf for their Birthday but by the time I got around to booking it the cheapest room was four hundred dollars for one night!

HOWEVER!! Once the presentation started, it started looking pretty good- very similar to The Direct Buy clubs (2 of which my hubs brother owns and we have saved a lot of money buying household necessities with) but this club is for travel...all kinds of travel. Short, long, inclusives, family, hotels only....I've done the time share route and that just isn't for me anymore. A lot of money for a little return. This sounded much more flexible...easy to plan...
you can sell it if you hate it and the yearly fee is frozen if you don't use it...also it's for life and the kids get it when we die...

I know this doesn't sound AL related but honestly, part of my mind set is..."well, I don't have friends anymore because people i built a lot of my life around and the life of my children our gone... so we might as well start building memories with the family...memories other our living room and back yard- not that those aren't important but you know what I mean...

And I fricken did this SOBER..I mean doesn't this sound lIke somthing you would while you were shitfaced:upset:

Please someone tell me that I'm not totally psychotic here...that maybe this was stupid but I did it for good reasons.... lease:

Also please someone tell me that they have one of these memberships too and they absolutely love it!!!!!ray:

[Wildflowers]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

You aren't psychotic, or stupid luvie!... You are fun, loving, smart, fantastic & beautiful Woman & Mom!.... I'm happy you have the resources to provide your family with such incredible, future memories to come!....

Anybody would be damn lucky to have you for a friend!.... I hope you will meet new people in your future, that you have things in common with.... Start by being proactive in your own community Kradle, you might be surprised... Just put in the effort honey & don't let fear stop you!....

No we never had one of these memberships, but I knew someone who had a time share & sold it. It does sound like you got a grrt deal. :goodjob:

Glad your happy!

Plz stop being so hard on yourself! You don't need others validation. Of course somebody had to tell me this, this past wknd. So, I'm paying it fdw, cause I can do the same thing.

The next time I hear that inner critical voice, it can feck off! :H

Luv you! :l :h

[Tipplerette]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

i had responded earlier today but it seems to have disappeared. All I said was that now that you bought this lifetime vacation membership, it's your job to get happy about it and start planning a vacation. We see things as WE are not as they are. You did it now USE it. Not trying to sound abrupt; just want you to stop beating yourself up for every decision you make. You have to start respecting the decisions you make as you make them them based on the the greater good of your family and the knowledge you have at the time of the decision.

So, c'mon Kradle, start appreciating the woman that we have come to know, respect and admire.

xx

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Okay you guys, I get it. :l

I will stop wiping my own feet on myself. Inhavectomstop this habit. It's almost harder than stopping drinking.

And you're right WF. I shouldn't need others validation, Geeze I tell that to my kids all the time. Mommy heal thyself !:

Tipp, I know. Know... And you say it perfectly: it is my job to start being happy about it and respecting my decisions. No one but no one cares more about our lives than we do...Thanks for the perverbial kick up the old Kadle! :H

Love you guys. Basketball Monday with boys and girls tonight. go Team!

:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

God I'm such a negative Nelly........ :no:

Reading your wonderful , spiritual plan Ms. Tipp and seeing more and more clearly that the only way for me to get healthy is to loose this self hatred, this insecurity and vapid whinniness which really at my age is way #%#*^%. unattractive... uch:

The kids all won their games tonight despite long school day, homework, tummy aches and such...

I am determined to nip this self defeating bullshit behavior in the Bud... :boxer:
So can I bring a pillow and my Gosho and hang out by the river with you on occasion, Tipp?
I don't have an exact plan but planting peace in my head admidst the chaos just HAS to be a priority...no matter what.

Otherwise I can't do this. I'll never last and all this will just be an excersise in penmanship or navel gazing...


:l

[Wildflowers]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Yanno Kradle, I may be wrong, but I didn't view This post as self defeating, more like second guessing your decision. I wondered what emotion you felt? What really matters is what you see? Do you see this as a negative pattern in yourself?

Maybe underneath the desire for validation, approval from somebody that you did the correct thing, cause you felt just a wee bit of panic, was a desire for comfort. The thing you once received from alcohol, even tho it was fake, it lied to you, used you, cheated you out of many things.

Maybe after spending money on a big ticket item in today's economy with all the global concerns, it can feel even scary at times. Well it does for me any ways. Yet spending does boost the economy to. Again glad you & your family are doing well. It sounds like you & hubs communicated in the decision making process as a team.

Perhaps, reading, writing & peeling back some layers of the onions will help you identify why you feel the need to over analyze your decisions & the need for validation of others is so important for you. It may be helpful in getting past some of these issues if you do some work. I spun around in the same spot on certain issues for a long time. One I recognize in myself. My past superiors would also see that I was second guessing myself. Yet, I often out performed others in almost all other areas.

I can only speak that it has helped me to identify that much of mine was family of origin stuff, even reverse ego crap, along with anxiety & depression. Counseling, no alcohol policy, good healthy support system, the right RX has helped. Oh & my mothers voice has to be crammed back down my own throat from time to time. Bless her tho. This recovery stuff isn't always easy & your right when you say that in some ways it's harder then stopping drinking!... Yet, the rewards to are awesome. I usually know when I'm going through growth periods, cause it hurts sometimes, but once thru, it's usually really cleansing even freeing.

I'm glad to hear you realize that you need a plan of ACTION, because you know & recognize this "whinniness" is likely going to be re-runs of more negative "excersise in penmanship or navel gazing". I'm not sure which one is worse. But, I doubt the royalties for re-runs will pay, they will cost you instead. Staying stuck with me in my head of insecurities, negativities wasn't, & doesn't produce anything good. However, I do it & forgive myself a lot easier then I use to, cause I'm aware.... I know how to just be still & know....

I know how to execute a brand new show. It's not a major hit yet. Still needs some work, but it's good enough for now. It's called Fear Has No Place In My Life! I'm going thru a lot of shite now to. New show, second season. Will be about growth, work, love, healing, helping. Roots, seeds, sprouts, blossoms comes to mind. :h

The thing is people need ea other to remind one another of all these human insecurities. By doing so they don't hold as much power over our minds & spirits. My girls, two close friends, some other recovery folks, hubs, mom we all tell ea other these things, cause it's easy to forget. We all hopefully keep learning & have less spins in the hamster wheel.

It's so weird because I proofed what I wrote & had a memory of my Dad getting so angry with me over really nothing. Everything always had to be just right. Oh brother is all I have to say now. I use to get upset, which led to anger, fear, & bunch of other negative crap. I flip these thoughts much easier today.

Take Care

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Thank you my dear Wild for that generous, wonderful response. :h

You are nail on the head that most of my negative self chatter comes from my family of origin. Criticising was a professional sport for my dad and a spectator sort for my mom...we didn't really much of a chance there.

Still, I'm glad your mom is still with you as you are getting healthy. You are very fortunate. I often wonder what my relationship with my mom would have been ad I been healthy. Though drank as well so..who knows...

Well, average day here until this evening. As I was leaving the girls Basketball game tonight, Larry (my ex-johova witness friends husband) brought their twins in for their gamete girls ran to each other, hugging and kissing and Larry totally ignored me...looked right through me...I am incredibly sad. :upset: just last week he hugged me at the girls science fair and said he'd call me about what happended with Kristin and that awful crazy text she sent me. I guess It was just fake...a sort of his final hello...
I knew it was almost impossible to stay friends with him but I never thought he'd completely disconnect, and in such a cruel, awful way.

Once again...another friend bites the dust. If I keep ths up I'll be vacationing with the dog...
Still...I am trying not to feel responsible. I did nothing wrong. I loved these people. I was always kind and supportive... I know this time I'm okay.

Just sad...but sober...

:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

PS- I don't think I'll tell D. About this. He truly cared for Larry and as a Non drinker and seeing who he's married too...he sympathized with the drunk wife thing...

I think it will just hurt him. Better to let iit all drift into oblivion.......