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    #106
    The Kradle Will Not Fall...

    Home finally and eating ice cream

    Reading lots of encouraging posts and busy days. So glad I'm here instead of...Well you know where:H

    Sleep well all,
    :l:h
    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
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      #107
      The Kradle Will Not Fall...

      That's the spirit! Soothing the soul with ice cream.:goodjob::h
      "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

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        #108
        The Kradle Will Not Fall...

        Kradle123;1503894 wrote: and my asshole husband who has quit smoking (good thing) but is so unpleasant to be around that there is an evil part of me that wants to go to the store and buy him a pack... :choc:

        and an asshole husband (sorry to all you are stopping smoking- I know it's awful and I am trying hard to walk away....:upset
        Kradle you have my total sympathy! My husband quit about 7 years ago and turned into the most grumpy difficult person. I just figured it would be temporary while he went through withdrawal but 7 years later, at times I still have fantasies about him buying a pack and smoking again!

        It's like he had a personality transplant, he was always the most calm, laid back person I knew, it was one of the things I really loved about him because he was my calm in the storm, and whenever something happened he could laugh about it and make me laugh about it and get through. But since he gave up smoking he has become a controlling, critical, dogmatic, bad tempered pain in the backside and honestly some days I just can't even deal with him, so I know how hard it is going through what you're dealing with. I just hope your husband gets over it and doesn't end up in a permanent PITA state like mine did. :l

        don't get me wrong, my dh is ok some of the time, but when he gets difficult I just want to run and hide and get the hell away from him

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          #109
          The Kradle Will Not Fall...

          Hey DG, I'm so sorry Mr. DG has turned into a permanent PITA! My HUbs was way laid back as well but I think what turned him into ass central was my drinking...hard to say that but true.

          Now part of me feels he's getting his own back so I try to shut up and put up....I do have a statute of limitations though...say one year?? :H

          I'm certain Mr. DG will come round eventually- maybe buy lots of ice cream...

          Speaking of which, Juja I am trying to do one thing each day to move forward...sometimes though doing nothing counts as my one nice thing!

          Sitting here now in my great room watching the girls sing and dance Olivia Newton John and John Travolta in You're the One that I want....I got chills!!           :H
          Their dance troupe is performing it in June at recital...it truly is darling:h

          Had lots of longing today for alternative realities but stayed true to the cause. God I hope this gets easier...I'll be one year in my serious attempts to free myself. I know I've made lots of progress I wish I were further...and thats the truth.

          Well, it's bed time.:bedtime:

          Love and hugs to everyone.
          Safe Sleep. :l
          On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
          *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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            #110
            The Kradle Will Not Fall...

            Good morning.
            Well I share the same as I quit alcohol and smoking at the same time, do I have my moments? Oh yes I go thru mood swings and feeling down and no caring. But these days are becoming less and less as brighter days seem to become more the norm. Crazy as it sounds I do miss the moment of having a smoke, the moment of tranquility it gave me but not willing to trade it now and continue the damage it was doing to my health. Do I miss the drinking, NO but this is what I tell myself but there are moments where I feel that I can have just one but realize that I am fooling myself.
            Ok so there, that felt good to get that out and hope all have a great day.
            FT
            AF with a few speed bumps during 2014 & 2015 but will succeed.
            As of 4/12/2014 I have not smoked at all and feel great.

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              #111
              The Kradle Will Not Fall...

              Kradle - I just sat and read your whole journal. Great big hugs to you....:l:l
              You are doing great at finding your way. You have been thru so much in the past couple of months but you didn't fall into the hole and stay there. :goodjob:
              I will tell you that when I was going thru menopause, I had a really hard time. So, I totally understand when you say you have recognized that pattern. Hang in there.
              Thank you for being such a wonderful, supportive person here. :h
              "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
              ..........
              AF - 7-27-15

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                #112
                The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                Big hugs FT & Big hugs Nora :l

                Well, it's pretty status quo over here but I must admit that I am becoming increasing angry with myself for not completely embrassing this useless and stupid form of self medication...


                I can blame all sort of people places and things but it's ridiculous: it's all me!!!!

                I'm one year today at the start of my serious journey to rid myself of this crap and see whose there underneath all the debris... I know I'm in there somewhere. I get glimpses more and more and of course so much of my success and perspective is because of all you guys, my people...:l

                It's so absurd because my husband has no idea when I slip and slide, nor do the kids. And they would ABSOLUETELY say something. You guys are the only ones who know anything about my struggles....:h

                Oddly enough, however, not falling back into the pit of dispair is proving more a hinderence than a help. I do not want to moderate. I don't consider myself moderating. Even if I didn't have this problem, I know that this drug changes everything about myself, kills my health , kills my talent....Kills me chemically & spiritually...and Lordy Lordy , hasn't all This been said a zillion times by me in so many different ways...

                I've been thinking about something the last few days. So many of you seem to be 'reurning' to a life of health and production and friends that were mostly in place before the drinking...I don't see that for me. I am not returning                 to anything...I feel I am only loosing, maybe shedding people places and things. There wasnt anything really there because my whole life is built on sand really, or it seems that way the further I get from AL...There's nothing to return to and I simply do not know how to build a future on...well...nothing really...

                I know my family is vital, don't get me wrong and I love them immensely but at the same time I am so ashamed I brought anyone into this chaos ...perhaps this is the illusionary thread which keeps me slipping and sliding along my journey.

                Well, just thoughts I wanted to share. Writing and eating your wonderful Shrimp Curry, Tipp. I think I made it a little to spicy for the kids but they are enjoying alongside tall tall glasses of ice tea.

                Will be AF, I PROMISE. :h
                On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                  #113
                  The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                  Kradle - great big hugs to you.:l:l Try to realize how much better you are getting and how much closer you are.
                  You are just going thru so much right now with all these suppose called 'friends'. But, I think you are shedding things/people.....but I also believe that new things/people will open up. And the sand will stop shifting underneath you and you will find a firm base. Hang in there friend.:h
                  "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
                  ..........
                  AF - 7-27-15

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                    #114
                    The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                    Thank you sweet Nora. :h

                    You have had your challenges these days too and I think what an inspiration you are. So easy to just sink into oblivion but you never leave us. :l

                    I am holding on to what you said. New people / things will show up. In the meantime I have the great people here like you.
                    :groupluv:
                    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                      #115
                      The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                      Kradle123;1508235 wrote:

                      ... see whose there underneath all the debris... I know I'm in there somewhere. I get glimpses more and more....

                      I am not returning to anything...I feel I am only loosing, maybe shedding people places and things. There wasnt anything really there because my whole life is built on sand really, or it seems that way the further I get from AL...There's nothing to return to and I simply do not know how to build a future on...well...nothing really...
                      Regarding the first part: Please tell us you like what you find underneath the debris. If how you write, and what you say are indications of the real Kradle, then I like her a great deal. You're genuine and thoughtful. Two good traits to have. Score 2 for Kradle!

                      Regarding the second part: I think that sounds freeing. You get to start all over with new people, and new experiences. You have a fresh start, a clean slate, and you can make yourself who you've always wanted to be. Sort of like running away, and being someone new. Yowza. I like it.
                      "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

                      Comment

                        #116
                        The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                        I read what you say about returning to who we were before drinking and I have to disagree.

                        Physically I am returning to a state of health I had before drinking, but I was maybe twenty five then. Now I am a completely different person with grown children, a mature career and a very different world to negotiate.

                        I have no more idea than you of how to navigate these new seas. I am reborn sober and f*#%*ing terrified since I no longer have alcohol to hide under, slide behind and numb me. I have no idea what the new me wants or needs to do with the rest of my life. I have a very limited social life sober and all the regrets of the drunken years to try and accept and forgive.

                        We are all in this together Kradle, and we all understand how you feel.

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                          #117
                          The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                          Well, the fun never stops here at Chez Kradle!

                          I am in the ER with all three kids...I think Matt has fractured his lower leg....running from his sisters of course. :upset:

                          I am so fricken tired but at least I'm not drinking! Wouldn't that be a God Awful mess...:shocked:

                          Well at least theres Internet here in Ye Old' ER...and a line of people from here to eternity...:upset:

                          PS- posting this on my personal thread too to remind myself why it's not a good idea to drink when husband is away....
                          On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                          *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                            #118
                            The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                            Sorry X-post Kuya.

                            :l
                            On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                            *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                              #119
                              The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                              Xcross post too, Juja ,

                              Will write more tomorrow ...

                              Thanks you guys, :l:l
                              On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                              *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                                #120
                                The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                                :lKradle:l

                                You are an amazing mother, I don't know how you keep up with everything! I hope your boy is ok and heals quickly!

                                Regarding "returning" to what I had before drinking...nah, that's not happening for me. I am discovering new things and new people that I never would have considered while I was under the influence. I've found that people are now drawn to me because I like me...

                                Good luck with your brood...I'm still waiting for your dogs picture to go up in your avatar! LOL
                                :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                                Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

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