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    #421
    The Kradle Will Not Fall...

    We'll, I'm not doing well at all this evening- got a call in Costco this afternoon from The wonderful faithful Jessica that Mathieus tooth is dead...yes the other tooth adjacent to the knocked out tooth and he will have to go through a root canal ASAP but that front tooth is dead ...Dr has explained to me that he will have tooth issues for the rest of his life.

    I am just sick. -----dad just came in and had long talk. He is not as upset as I am but he understands. I am trying to process...

    Our kids just work our should like mules.......

    Want to stay true to my thread. Drinking.
    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
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      #422
      The Kradle Will Not Fall...

      Our should = our souls
      On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
      *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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        #423
        The Kradle Will Not Fall...

        That sucks Kradle,but really it's just more money as usual,hey how come i don't have you on. FB?
        I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

        I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
        Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

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          #424
          The Kradle Will Not Fall...

          Hang in there, Kradle.

          Comment

            #425
            The Kradle Will Not Fall...

            Kradle - I have reported this ridiculous spam.

            "This is Spam and it has been posted on what is a distressing thread by a long term member.
            Highly abhorrent."

            Take care.

            Comment

              #426
              The Kradle Will Not Fall...

              Tree I'm so sorry I haven't posted on my thread for a bit. Thank you for looking out for me with the Spammers! I get so much in my email!!!

              We'll off I go next Tuesday to Arivaca....I'm struggling. I just feel paralyzed by it...I've been so buried with the girls, the crappy finances, the girls...the house...life....Matt seems so far away to me and then again he seems right under my nose.

              I've drank. Not a lot but enough to make me question what the hell I am doing. I just don't know what to add to that....

              I'm so sorry I am letting people down here. I think my depression is back...and now I have hot flashes and my thyroid is getting bigger.... I can't be having any physical or financial problems and keep Mathieu safe...there I said it....

              Love you all.
              :h
              On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
              *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
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                #427
                The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                Kradle I've caught up with your thread today when I saw you've posted after a few weeks. You are right in saying that we can only deal with so much stress at once. I see our life like a pie shaped circle with wedges such as family cohesion, financial security, physical health, mental health, work relationships, personal relationships, etc. We can only deal with very few of these pieces in disarray because when more than a few are out of whack, it's overwhelming and us drinkers tend to drink, smokers tend to smoke, etc. I know right now too many pieces of your pie are not working.

                Kradle you are so intelligent and good at giving solid advice. Try to be kind to you right now if it's the only thing you can manage. Remember that What is, just is.. and the serenity prayer hits it dead on.

                I've been thinking of you a lot lately. Take care.
                "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                Lao-Tzu

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                  #428
                  The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                  Sweet kradle,

                  Your honest posts always meant a great deal to me. I think of you when I, too, am feeling overwhelmed by life. You're not alone. Hugs, and more hugs.:h

                  Juja
                  "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

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                    #429
                    The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                    Sober you are always so good to me - and so often I feel like I don't seserve it:l
                    It is a giant Pie at the moment and some of the slices are definately sliding off the plate.

                    AL has done so much to wreck us both physically and mentally that when the physical crap comes knocking (in my case menopause) it makes the emotional stress so much worse.

                    Your blog is so incredible and such an inspiration! When I am in this funk I simply have no linear thought process to be able 2 link 2 words together into a simple sentence.. I really don't. :upset:

                    All I hear is the Charlie Brown Teacher in my head...blah blah blah blah... *%$%*^@!!
                    ..and unfortunately that seems To be independent of AL as I can end up that way regardless of my time away from that crap...

                    I am worried about being with Mathieu. I really am. I just don't feel well. - The word Lethargy comes to mind...and I am doing everything I can to stay healthy-- though I know I would be better to elimiate the AL alltogther- what a suprise...and the stress is magnified
                    triple crown fold....

                    Luckily I will be staying with my best friend before I head down to Arivaca- She is my bestest Buddha Buddy so she always steers me to the calm, wise waters of my soul...I wish she stilled lived in Washington!!

                    I may be coming into phase of my life where regardless of whether I can 'have 1-2 on occassion'- it doesn't matter because it is all poisen to my body now-- IN some ways that's a good thing as it takes the equation off the table...

                    The other night after not drinking for a long time, I had 1 rum and tonic and then I was upstairs talking to Sedona and Holy Shit! I got this awful HOT FLASH!! I htought I would have to rip my robe off and throw open the window...but that wouldn't have looked to good in front of Sedona!
                    Now those who know, know that I am perpetually freezing so I was bummed when I wasn't gettinghot flashes likemost of my peers...well if that's what a Hot Flash really is then.....FORGET it- Yuk!

                    ...And there was simply no question what triggered it. So as I say, my body maybe making the decision for me at this point.

                    Juja- I am so thankful for your post- Sometimes I don't want                     to post becaseu I think I am saying to much- talking about things and feelings I would normally just bury and maybe this is a mistake to post... Thank you for letting me know it's a good thing for you.:l

                    I can have a tendency to be fake or 'smiley' here in the 3D world that I just don't want to be fake here! My friend used to say that she was a great 'happy' & 'Witty' actress most of the time in her work and with her friends and family so that when she went home, she just didnt have the energy anymore to be faking things so She'd climb into a bottle just to be able to go go to sleep- literally and figuratively-

                    Anyway, so thank you for that:l

                    Boy I rambled! But I have to take advantage of when my brain decides to turn 'on' no matter how it turns out!
                    Stress-stress-stress---- Chant chant chant and breath breath breath and walk walk walk---that should help.

                    Love youse:l
                    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
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                      #430
                      The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                      You know, Kradle, even though I still get my period monthly (at 57 it's ridiculous) at the end of my drinking, I was getting heart palpitations which I thought were menopause related but when I stopped drinking, they stopped... so you are probably right. Menopause and drinking are not friendly companions.

                      Keep blabbing on here. What seems like rambling to you really resonates with us. We are all in this together and , although our experiences may differ in many ways, our reactions to them are very similar. This is a forum and on forums we speak our mind... don't stay away. Stay close ...

                      Deb xxxx
                      "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                      Lao-Tzu

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                        #431
                        The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                        Thank you SS :l I need to PM you:h

                        Something happened today that I still need to process but I want to look at it briefly from an AL perspective....

                        I went to the beach this afternoon with Madison, and there at one of the Picnic Tanles was My ex best friend. Her twins were there and Madison was just over the moon,,,,and I could tell the twins were too. Sedona wasn't with us. Her twins hugged me- even her son hugged me ann you know boys!!!
                        I sat with her and we visited' r was actually pretty easy- a little like old times but I noticed she never once asked about me- how I was doing, how my husband was doing- Mathieu...I didn't really think about that until I got home though.

                        She had her water bottles with her- the ones I know she put her vodka in back in the day and there may have been Vodka in them though she didn't seem bothered....I thought about how seeing her somehow gave me permission to go home and drink and really I don't know why. I haven't seen her in that way in almost 2 years....

                        Maybe because I wanted her to look at me and tell me how sorry she was that everything had turned out the way it had...that she was sorry for hurting my girls that night..for writing that awful crazy text to me...for telling her girls lies....

                        But she said none of these things. She just talked about the car accident she had been in- which she explained in detail except the part where she was shitfaced and the only reason I know that is one of her twins told me at school one day.... I asked about her husband and she told me. I asked about the death of her beloved Golden Retriever and she told me. I asked if the pool was up and she told me...she told me about her health problems...I told her about the oils....

                        Her twins asked if we were friends now and of course, we both didn't answer. But at the end of 'The Visit' , told her I was open to having the twins over...to which she didn't really respond, just looked vaguely off into the distance...

                        Demons. My husband keeps telling me she has so many demons and she deals with them in even more unhealthy ways than I did...hard to imagine I know.... I want to have compassion then. To just accept the limits I saw today....why was it so hard? I know the score! I'm a grown up, right???

                        I think it's the kids. They are so innocent in all this. They clearly want so so badly to be together. They do the cutest little hand games when they are saying goodbye to each other and they slap each other's palms and cry 'Sista!!'

                        I think I hate her for keeping them apart. I wish I didn't. But I do, I'm way in the box....:no:

                        But I didn't drink...sigh...
                        Home in bed with the Fan ; it's very hot here.

                        Thanks for listening,
                        Love youse:h
                        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                          #432
                          The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                          The Zen inspired response to your dilemma would be that what is, just is and that you can't change her but you can accept her the way she is; a very troubled soul. Sometimes when I am feeling generous and present I can look beyond how a person's actions affect me and move to having empathy for them because of where they are coming from. Her reactions and non-reactions have nothing to do with you, Kradle. It's all her baggage.

                          But life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
                          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                          Lao-Tzu

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                            #433
                            The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                            Thank you Sober :l. Actually the True Zen response is not to think of her or her family at all...
                            Which is much different from my Nichiren Buddhist practice which is based completely on compassion...which can be absolutely unreachable sometimes!! :upset:

                            I can find that in my heart for her- truly I can- but her actions affect my children...that is what I find intolerable.

                            You know how difficult it is to watch our children in distress, especially when it manifests as someone I brought into their lives...of course, they have their karma and create their own causes but it is way hard

                            I need to stay close to here, chant, slow down and keep juicing...

                            Love you Deb:h
                            On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                            *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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                              #434
                              The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                              Glad you're staying close. Us Tiger Moms would kill for our kids eh? I would scratch the eyes out of anyone who harmed my children and they are all grown up and I am a pacifist.

                              Distance from the situation will help... situations will always arise but you are wise to try to not let your reaction get the best of you. You need to keep yourself grounded. You are doing great. xoxoxo
                              "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                              Lao-Tzu

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                                #435
                                The Kradle Will Not Fall...

                                Thank SS. YES, Our munchkins keep us alert and oriented times ten.:h

                                I juiced fresh kale from my garden tonight!! Can't believe how big the garden is already and it's just July! :l
                                On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                                *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

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