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**kuya** · March 22, 2013, 07:19 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

This may sound odd but my problem for a long time was ambivalence about living.

I was soooo bloody furious about shit that had happened that I didn't have the courage to choose to live or to end my life.

I never did rehab but I reckon it wouldn't have helped till I realised that I was just bloody furious.

So maybe you need to ask yourself a different question. Rather than 'why can't I stop drinking ?' maybe ' why don't I want to live ?'

Does that make any sense??? Or maybe it was just me.

**Cornczech** · March 22, 2013, 07:32 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

actually...sadly...I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...I've said it out loud before...I am too d@mn scared to live and too chicken sh!t to kill myself......

This time I want to live....I went out on a limb and quit a new job...normal me would have hung on until I ruined everything by calling in sick because I was hung over...or too scared to go see patients....

but I fear failure too...like I will end up EXACTLY like my mother...living alone...drinking her self to death the LOOOOOONG way.....too scared to live and too chicken to kill herself.....

oh yes...I know EXACTLY what you're saying......(and I already have figured out that I cannot beat the hell out of my childhood...or my past...or well...nothing nor nobody...but I am REALLY good at beating the hell out of myself......)

**kronkcarr** · March 22, 2013, 08:05 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Hi, Cornczech,

I feel some of what you're feeling. I was a cynical, sarcastic person but I'd always smile and take it and go home and drink alone and stew. I too, see patients and I hear everything and sometimes it was all I could do just to get up every day and go to work.

I haven't been to rehab and I've been to AA and managed to quit twice, but their philosophy doesn't mesh with mine. Last December I read a book The End of My Addiction by Olivier Ameisen. It's out of print but available in paperback under the name Heal Thyself. He's a French American doctor who was in and out of rehab many times and on his way to dying. He took baclofen and it suppressed his craving for alcohol.

I mention this because it saved me and you may be interested. There's a thread on here that covers the ways to stop drinking with meds. If you're interested give a look.

I wish the best for you,

kronkcarr

**Cornczech** · March 22, 2013, 08:17 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Kronkcarr-

I once asked my doctor for a script for Baclofen. I was told no.

As well...I truly believe that I drink to self medicate....LOTS of issues that I have ignored, blamed on my terrible childhood, (and still ignored MY role in healing myself) or drugged myself into oblivion....into fake forgetfulness.....

So...even if I were to get the Baclofen......I would still have the underlying reason I drank/drugged in the first place. I swore...to myself and in a way...to my father...that I would try really hard this time....that I would use the insurance money to do whatever it took....get a life coach....whatever it took...to find myself...of course...the money has been delayed and my health cannot wait for the check to get here and clear....so i feel I've no choice but to go back to rehab....but how to get around the humiliation of going back to one I have already attended....with my head hung low and admitting I am a failure at discontinuing something that is so bad for me.....

**Byrdlady** · March 22, 2013, 10:47 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Corn, so many of us have felt the very same as you....you are far from alone (altho it feels like it).
It only takes a couple of AF days to make the world look better all the way around! Just a couple of days!!! You can do anything for 2 days, right? If I offered you $50,000 to stay sober tonight...I bet you could do it!! I don't have 50k, but what I can give you in the morning is a brighter outlook, a clearer head, and some hope.
I found my way out over in the Newbie's Nest (link below). Also on this site, and linked below, is the Tool Box. There are 100's of tips and coping skills to help you thru these first challenging days. I was talking to a member yesterday, so impressed by her USE of this site...she has used every available tool to help herself get to almost 2 months sober. This site is really phenomenal....it allows you to see the similarities we all share...it also lets you see the past, present, and the future. I bet if you read back in the archives, you will find someone who posted something just like you, you can also see how they handled it....If they picked themselves up and finally got it together or if they still struggle today. This place is incredible, really. Everything you'd ever want to know about yourself is here. It's not always easy to find, but it is here if you look. There are 7 years of stories on this site, and thousands come thru every week. No, you are far from alone.
Get yourself thru this day AF no matter what and no matter who. Get all the AL out of your place and surround yourself with food you love. EAT until you can eat no more and go to bed early. Whatever it takes to be able to say, Day 2 tomorrow. Join us over in the Nest...we understand. I'll save a spot for you....Byrdie

**Cornczech** · March 22, 2013, 11:33 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

I will be here online as soon as I can get through a medical detox. I have already experienced seizures in the past and have to be REALLY careful to not stop too fast....or to get medical help to detox......

In the past I have always had a million excuses....I have run through a million and one....now it's time to either get busy learning to live...or get this dying done with...

thanks ya'll!

**paulywogg** · March 22, 2013, 11:44 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

im glad youre getting medical help if youve had seizures before youll most likely get them again,please come back and keep us posted

**Kradle123** · March 22, 2013, 11:50 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Hi CC and Welcome back! :welcome:

Here's a positive for you: As I was reading your post I was completely struck by how LUCID you were regarding your situation. Many ties I can barely articulate what's going on in my mind that I just want to put my head between my knees and pass out.

So you have this great 'shopping list' of everything you need to eliminate in order for you to get out from under.

I think that is a wonderful start!

I can't speak to rehab..and I am a buddhist so AA did not speak to me.
I will recommend, as Birdie says, to follow the links to the Newbie Nest and the tool box after your detox and then download the book and order the supps if you haven't all ready.
Please believe that you aren't alone now
.
Now we get to nag you like one of the family! :H

:l:h

**Cornczech** · March 22, 2013, 12:02 PM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Kradle123,

I read your story earlier and feel as if I know you....

I never think of myself as lucid anymore...because I am so much NOT the person I was BEFORE I started to drink...well....I was MUCH more on top of things then.....
I watched my father die of esophageal cancer. I quit my job and spent 4 months with him...and I can still see the look on his face when he would see me drink, (I was able to manage to only drink on Sundays during the football season...gotta have that beer with the Packers, after all), and I PROMISED him I would do what it took to get better....and I don't know how to do this through gritted teeth.....especially when the sweats and the shakes start.....

I am toying with just going through the detox and then going to the newbies nest and getting as much info as I can...I don't need anyone to point out to me what I need to do and how horrible addiction is, (I mean, I have gone through rehab TWICE since 2005!)...however...I also have unresolved grief.....my father's death has really pushed me to the edge...so I am not sure what to do...the full rehab...or just detox and "do what ya gotta do" to get through the cravings...one day at a time, (that's the only thing about AA I can relate to......)....I have always fought psychiatry as I have always felt I am not ABNORMAL....I am simply the result of a very bad upbringing, (violent alcoholics, both mother and step-father with a little schizophrenia thrown in) and funky genetics.....but those docs sure like their zombie-making meds....

Anyhow...I am glad I am back on here and this time....I friggin mean business!!!!
SO NAG, NAG, NAG..CAUSE I NEED YA'LL TO NAG ME into society again!!!!

**Hippyman** · March 22, 2013, 12:35 PM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Cornczech;1481527 wrote: I will be here online as soon as I can get through a medical detox. I have already experienced seizures in the past and have to be REALLY careful to not stop too fast....or to get medical help to detox......

In the past I have always had a million excuses....I have run through a million and one....now it's time to either get busy learning to live...or get this dying done with...

thanks ya'll!

6 months ago I was hopeless, helpless and didn't believe anything would help me from killing myself slowly with alcohol. I found that baclofen gave me the power to stop the booze and stay stopped. There are plenty of ways of getting baclofen if you are willing to experiment on yourself. It was my last hoped and it worked for me!

**thelaststraw** · March 22, 2013, 12:54 PM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

OOOOO, permission to NAG. CornCzech.

Warming up my NAG muscles. Not really. I'd probably nag you for not sweeping up your toast crumbs. HA HA.

Welcome, get nestled in, and hopefully you'll find the support here that most of we nesters have found.
-S-

**Byrdlady** · March 22, 2013, 01:06 PM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Corn...I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I just lost mine on Jan 2 of this year. That 5 day bedside vigil was the most agonizing thing I've ever done. It was so hard to let him go. I have been 2 years sober...and I was so glad that even in the depths of despair, I didn't once want to reach BACK inside a bottle. Dad didn't know about my ALK, and would not have believed it. I'm so glad he didn't. But my best gift to myself was getting and staying sober. I had given up, too...just accepted that I was going to die younger than need be. That is the power of addiction. Now, I feel on top of my game! I've never felt better, and taking the least amount of medication in recent years. AL was the problem! Imagine that....I blamed everything else imaginable...my childhood, my brain-wiring...the guy who puts cheese on the nachos at ball games...but whatever the cause, I had to get the cure! And I found it here with like minded people.
All you gotta do, is get thru this day! Byrdie

**Reneese** · March 22, 2013, 03:11 PM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Hi

Hi I just signed up today. I have been trying to get sober for the last 7 years. I have been to 3 in patient programs and numerous outpatient ones. I am real frustrated with my cravings. I drink to drunkenness about every 1 1/2 and 2 weeks. And that is only because I am watched by my guy 24/7 (he is retired and I go to school). I am on baclofen and all it does is make me high. To those who question living- I lost my precious 17 month old grandson this past June. And even though I hurt everyday I would never want to die. For one I know that I would not make it to heaven to be with God, Jesus and my Kathen Baby For 2, I would not want to cause anyone to hurt over my death I would not be that selfish. Someone cares if something happens to you- me. I know that doesn't sound like much but you are in my prayers and that is alot! I care about all my fellow sufferers of this horrible addiction

**kuya** · March 23, 2013, 06:01 AM

Is three times too much? Why can't I get it?

Hi again Corn.......and Hi and welcome to you Reneese.

Like me Corn you were dealt some crap cards to start, crap parents etc BUT what saves people like you and I is that we KNOW it was crap, many don't or won't admit it cos it is too painful.

A friend of mine once said to me ' the only reason you have succeeded is you are too stupid to realise how disadvantaged you are !'

Now that SOUNDS awful, but I know what she meant. I refuse nowadays to allow the accidental circumstances of the past to dictate my future.......I am bigger than that and so are you.
You are obviously too fucking strong to die quietly and if you wanted to you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't have gone to rehab.........so, since you are crap at being a terminally ill drunk why don't you join me in being a successful teetotaller ?

I have to say being sober is a lot easier than drinking.......but shhhhhh don't tell anyone, cos people will think I've gone soft

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