Inchys journal

[InChains]

Inchys journal

I'm so glad not to be alone, its nice to find I relate, it's not something thats just 'wrong' with me.

[Glass Half Empty]

Inchys journal

InChains;1498830 wrote: Maybe the reason I'm not ready to stop, I wanted to be a drug addict as a child. It seemed like a great idea to me.

I'm guessing thats gonna offend some people.

Of course you did. You were constantly bombarded by negative messages that told you the only way to get attention was to be seriously damaged. It's not unusual for adolescents to decide that if they can't get rewarded for being good, they might as well be the very worst they can be.

Now it's time to start asking yourself whether those messages are still serving you well as an adult. You can drive yourself into the "worst place imaginable" if you want, but what will that bring you?

No matter how much you try to shock, offend or disgust us, you won't drive us away because we've all been there and probably done much worse. All we can see is the lovely young person you are and who deserves to be the best and happiest you can be.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

I at no point intend to shock, offend or disgust, I am honest here as though it were a private journal, its all very raw and I just like to say when i know people may react badly I'm aware, it gives people permission to comment freely.

I am always amazed how kind and caring everybody at mwo is towards me, despite my attitude and the things I do.

-Inchy

[mama bear]

Inchys journal

like Glass said, we are a pretty tough crowd to shock....

[Kradle123]

Inchys journal

InChains;1498830 wrote: so a little fact about me, in the spirit of honesty. Maybe the reason I'm not ready to stop, I wanted to be a drug addict as a child. It seemed like a great idea to me. Now, I have an addiction, and sometimes I hate it, but sometimes if I hear somebody else drinks more than me? It doesn't make me glad, I want to drink more than them. I want to be in the worst place imaginable. I know that that is wrong, to look at all I have and only see how low I can be, to simultaneously aim for the greatest I can be, and total self destruction. I'm guessing thats gonna offend some people.

That's not offensive at All, Inchy. It actually sounds a bit like Oscar Wilde - he was fascinated by his own destruction and of course wrote Dorian Grey. I am a huge fan of his.

Ann's words are right on. Can't add anything else really except always here to listen and give a hug,
:l

[Doggygirl]

Inchys journal

Inchy - whatever works for you in terms of setting a AF goal that helps you stick to it is the right way to go. Good luck to you!!

free at last;1498386 wrote: Hi Inchy, been offline for several days. Below is one link to meditation instruction. There are countless others on the internet. Hope you will give it a try, hopefully for a week or so. Very helpful for me. Tara Brach - Audio - Guided Meditations

Will follow you 40+ day plan with great interest and support.

Thank you for this link!!

DG

[YouKayBee]

Inchys journal

I was thinking about you this morning Inchy, I'd not realised you'd not started the AF stint yet and have decided perhaps your plan isn't as bad as it sounds. Getting AF in the first place is the most important thing, then we can all worry about you at the festival, who knows you might feel so good AF that you don't want to drink and break it.

Anyway it's almost D-day for you.

[Wagoneer]

Inchys journal

Inchy, we are here for you no matter what. YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE US!! :nutso:

[Noor]

Inchys journal

Inchy the self destruction thing - I really, really understand that one. A tarot card reader said to me many years ago that when you look at the Ace of Cups, one of the greatest creative cards in the deck, that if you are tipping the cup upside down into your own mouth, you can't allow it to fill up with your own work. I never forgot that and the biggest thing I have realised as time has gone on is that sure, sometimes I can work creatively late at night and very drunk, and sometimes it is even really good. Sometimes too I can fire words off on a big hangover, all jittery and fired up. But in the end I get beaten and lost days, and lost quality, and often what I have written gets lost because I don't trust it in the paranoia stage.
I think the mindset you are talking about is very typical to people who bring work outside from inside, whether music, writing, or any other art form. I don't mean to imply that you get a special leave pass through working in those fields, because the greats are those who conquer their addictions and live to write/paint/play another day. But i do think the desire to plumb the depths of emotional pain is something that goes hand in hand with addiction and, in some ways, creativity. You just have to find a constructive way of doing it.
Listen to me - telling myself the same thing!
I am enjoying reading your journal - I can relate to what you write, and I don't have an opinion on the festival thing. I would have done far worse and did in younger days and wouldn't presume to comment. I like the idea of going sober before it - sounds like that is the thing to focus on, not the 'what if's' that might come after...like me trying to get through today and tonight without picking up a glass. Just today...actually, I think, right now, just getting through the next hour will be an achievement!!!xxx

[YouKayBee]

Inchys journal

Noor;1499008 wrote: Inchy the self destruction thing - I really, really understand that one. A tarot card reader said to me many years ago that when you look at the Ace of Cups, one of the greatest creative cards in the deck, that if you are tipping the cup upside down into your own mouth, you can't allow it to fill up with your own work. I never forgot that and the biggest thing I have realised as time has gone on is that sure, sometimes I can work creatively late at night and very drunk, and sometimes it is even really good. Sometimes too I can fire words off on a big hangover, all jittery and fired up. But in the end I get beaten and lost days, and lost quality, and often what I have written gets lost because I don't trust it in the paranoia stage.
I think the mindset you are talking about is very typical to people who bring work outside from inside, whether music, writing, or any other art form. I don't mean to imply that you get a special leave pass through working in those fields, because the greats are those who conquer their addictions and live to write/paint/play another day. But i do think the desire to plumb the depths of emotional pain is something that goes hand in hand with addiction and, in some ways, creativity. You just have to find a constructive way of doing it.
Listen to me - telling myself the same thing!
I am enjoying reading your journal - I can relate to what you write, and I don't have an opinion on the festival thing. I would have done far worse and did in younger days and wouldn't presume to comment. I like the idea of going sober before it - sounds like that is the thing to focus on, not the 'what if's' that might come after...like me trying to get through today and tonight without picking up a glass. Just today...actually, I think, right now, just getting through the next hour will be an achievement!!!xxx

I used the self-destruct thing as a reason to carry on being stupid and drinking/taking drugs. Recently however I've started to look at the times when I just say silly things, goes right back to childhood and with the booze and drugs removed I can explore it - funnily enough it came up during a group counselling session, until that point I wasn't exactly sure what the sessions were going to do for me and now I have a inkling of what's to come.

All interesting stuff.

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

Hi Inchy!

Hope you're doing well today! :h

[InChains]

Inchys journal

afternoon all, a quick reply to you all, but I am going to be moving my journal over to the 'my story' section - I feel that this journal has gathered alot of negativity in its time, I want to make this a true fresh start, something positive even if it will be hard. So if you want to keep up with me, then I'll be starting with a clean slate in another section

UK: I'm glad that you feel that way, i didn't want any negativity between us and knowing that you didn't realise that makes me feel alot better - i completely understand why it seemed like a bad idea now.

Waggy: thanks, as always its nice having you here.

Noor: I relate to that so much it's actually unbelievable, that is exactly how I have been with writing and art etc. When sober I am so confident in my writing, now I'm so insecure about attempting to create whilst drunk I haven't been able to work for months. I', glad I'm not the only one who gives others the advice I should be taking myself too, I hope you'll keep reading when I move to the new thread, feel free to comment often as you like to - really great hearing from you.

Kradle: my mother is a huge oscar wilde fan and I have never looked at my destructiveness in that light before, a fresh perspective is always nice to have.

To everybody else, K9, mama bear, ann, DG etc I hope you'll keep following me, I love hearing your opinions, having support and people to relate to.

-Inchy

[InChains]

Inchys journal

in trouble

i'm posting this here because theres nowhere else, it's not a cry for help. i'm forcing myself to do this because i am afraid of where my lifes heading right now, i've been pulling away from forums because i dont want anybody to disapprove, or stop me. I started drinking at festival, i've kept going, the drinking thoughts have become... intense. I want to drink all the time. I want to drink spirits again. I am struggling to stay sober during the day now, sticking to me old total (about 10 units a night) but it's getting harder. I'm having a hard time with family, with memories from when I was younger. I feel I need to get sober again before its too late now, but i don't want to any more. i don't know what i'm asking.

-inchy

[sweetpea29]

Inchys journal

Hi Inchy,

Sorry your going through a tough time.

Not sure what you're saying.... do you not want to get sober again?

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Hi Inchy,
Checking in with you. You posted that you feel you need to get sober again before it is too late. What helped you reach 20 consecutive days last month? Can you start with those actions?
No one is disapproving of you. We want you to be healthy, content, and to pursue your goals. Stay close, ok?