Inchys journal

[InChains]

so I did this a couple of years ago when I went AF for I think 40 days? Difference this time is I have a planned AF date but I want to start with a couple of 'normal' days journal, a reminder for later on why I'm stopping. So I'm towards the end of my night, I'm pretty good at starting late but usually drink between 9 and 10 units in a 4 hour space late at night, today I got stressed n was out of fags so had wine about 2pm, I'd been awake about 3 hours at that point so not great.

I'm thinking alot about how to be sober, I'm 20 years old, have been an alcoholic since I was 15, with a drinking problem since I was 13. I am aware of this, without dealing with it fully. I have tried modding... did not end well. Last time I cut back from about the same point to roughly half, but never stopped drinking, I promised myself I'd never get here again and here we are so I'm trying to quit apart from twice a week social drinking. Most sensible people would admit defeat, but me? well I dunno, I'm just not ready to be around other people sober, even my fiance.

So, this is day one of the journal, with day 1 of trying to live a better life scheduled for Thursday, nobody has to read this or post, but this is the way for me to share whatever I'm experiencing.

Inchy x

[Struggles 106]

Inchys journal

Inchy man-

Interesting! You are only 20? WOW-a really good time to get a grip before you screw up more of your life with drinking. I SO wish I had stopped at 20. Who knows where I would be now, but I don't look back at this point.

What so you mean when you say "trying to quit apart from twice a week social drinking"?? Does this mean you are going to try to NOT drink except for those occasions? If so I would say this is a very interesting idea. I predict a bad outcome.
Sorry to be negative but the truth will set you free.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Day 1 ends

So I am at the end of journal day 1, I've had about 4 strong beers for the evening, with my meds that means I am starting to get pretty dopey now, hard to keep my head up. hard to stay awake. Had to sneak these beers in because I bought a ten beer crate 2 days ago n of course these things happen. So I get insecure that people will judge me for not drinking 'enough' to be an alcoholic. That because I can force myself to start later in the evening, n drink til I sleep I'm ok, I'm getting by. I have a low tolernace these days due to meds, it upsets me that I said a year ago i would never, ever get to dirnkign this much again, now i get to it but with pills that make it seem like way way more. I'm trying ot stay awake, in my living room, but I can feel myself slipping into a deep sleep with my eyes wide open. Day 1 is 3 days away, or is it 4? I am scared and tired.

goodnight
Inchy

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Ann: I'm 20, but already agve over a third of my life to drinking, I've seen a share of failure I shouldn't have at this age. Yes I am going to try and stop drinking for 5 out of 7 days, I am aware I will probably fail as I have done previously but cannot face the concept of total sobriety with so much of my life left, living another 60 years, but never ever being drunk? seems like a long, long time to me now, a day seems a long time, 365X60? i can't stomach it.

[Wagoneer]

Inchys journal

Inchy please be careful mixing medd with drink. It is a very bad combination.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

meds are for skin, immuno suppresant, only major risk is if i do this long term I will almost certainly give myself liver failure

[Struggles 106]

Inchys journal

Hey Inchy

Yeah I guess at 20 it does seem like a long time. I also predict that one of these days you will fond being drunk quite boring.
Our Drify Alison here at MWO is baout your age and she has been sober over a year, just an FYI.
But when I was 20 I knew I should not drink or do drugs but of course I did, for a LONG time. It was clear even then that I was not a person who could "enjoy" drinking.

I hope you stick around dude. We have some lively discussions here about lot of interesting stuff.

[RunningCourage]

Inchys journal

Hey Inchy,

Great that you have got this journal going. Am looking forward to reading your process and progress.

See with the "5 out of 7", thing, and the 360days x 60yrs sobriety thing... well I wouldn't decide now about the rest of your life. I would only decide now about now. You say modding ended not so well previously, but you still want to try that now. Fair do's to you. But bare in mind (and i'm pretty damn sure you know this, cos you sound a very intelligent person) that the "2 days social drinking" is what so often leads back to the more abusive forms of drinking.

However, what I have found helpful for me (and I'm in me early 30's so not as young as you, but still at an age where many of me peers drink daily, regularly go to bars and clubs etc) is NOT to think about the rest of my life, but to think about the benefits I am reaping from being sober today. Everyday at the back of my mind I keep ticking over these benfits. And each day it keeps me straight. Of course, the thought of never drinking again is a little too big to think about sometimes. So i do my best not to.

Anyway I can't tell you what tomorrow brings. I can only be thankful for being sober today.

I do think it is especially hard the younger you are to give up. Notably in cultures such as ours.

Keep posting Inchy - it's good work.

RC

[Zenstyle]

Inchys journal

What RC said there Inchy... he hits the nail on the head.

The 18-22 year olds I went to rehab with... the drugs bring them down far quicker than alcohol, sad but true. But they are still young 'uns and they are facing down the demons and some of them are amazing to me. One in particular... to see her grow has been incredible. She's only 18 and is a heroin addict but she is bright and beautiful and alive now. 4 months ago she was fucked the heck up. She's really happy today, in a total down to earth way... no pink cloud there at all. She has her down moments but realizes NOTHING is worse than the hell she was living and using is not an option anymore.

Miss Inchy, I reckon it's your time to grab the bull by the horns. I don't care how you do it or if you try to drink two nights a week... the end result is what matters and it will all come clear to you once you start. Strive for happiness and freedom.

Just do it (as Nike would say)! xxx :l

[BHOG]

Inchys journal

InChains-
When I decided to get sobered up, one of the major factors in my success was this site. It made me accountable to other people. While my wife supported my decision to quit, she was not about to "get between you and your habits." We had been down that road too many times, and I would become resentful of her telling me "you said you would quit." Then we would get into an arguement...I'm sure you know that road.

For me, having an agreement with myself to report my failures as well as my success to a group seemed to be a good tool.

When I really got serious about working through my alcoholism, I was on this site a great deal of the time. Posting as often as every hour, every 30 minutes, getting strength from others here who had been down my road. I had some great mentors, who would provide incredible postive comments when I did well, as well as constructive criticism when needed.

I also wrote down a plan. I did not want to go from 2 bottles of wine a night to zero in one day. So I wrote it down, and within two weeks could go a whole day without drinking. Then up to two, etc.

Did it go perfect? HELL NO! I slipped, I stumbled, I got drunk; I got back up, dusted myself off, and went back to work. It took about 1 to 1.5 years to get it right. I felt like a total failure when I fell, but when I succeeded in being successful for even a day, I felt powerful!

Part of the reason it took so long, in retrospect, is I thought I could moderate my consumption. And I could, to a point. But it seemed to me, and to the wife, that I could last about two weeks, then off the deep end. Then angry words would be said, tempers would be lost, and damage done. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not moderate at all, I needed to quit, and never go back.

Why did I drink? For all the regular reasons: rough childhood, bad day at work, stress over money, over inlaws, parents, and children. Because it was a sunny day and we were enjoying the deck in the evening. Perhaps because the sun came up, I would have a bloody mary. Perhaps because it was expected in my profession. Reality, it did not matter why I drank, I just did.

Perhaps because I was a fool.

I think I told you before, I write. I work on political points of view, on very personal poetry, and current events. I was of the opinion that my writing was better when I drank, and at that time I did not know any better, because I was always drinking. As I dried out, my writing became very rough, very uneven. But, when I finally acheived sobriety, my writing became much better, I achieved some of my personal goals, and am working on others.

Long story short, InChains, it is your life we are talking about here. You need to make the decision, will I let alcohol control the balance of my life, or will I control it? When you make that decision, make it firmly, write it down. Put it where you can see it every day. Create a plan, explain to your self exactly how you will succeed, what steps you need to take to succeed. Then, work the plan, follow it, keep yourself on track.
Don't be afraid to use the resources here. On this site, as I think you probably know, are people in various stages of recovery, or healing. Some of those people will never make the commitment to sober up, or even to moderate. Some are here just for the attention they crave. others, to "pay it forward" and be the mentor and support for someone else, just as others worked to help them. BUT, by and large, people here are trying to get a grip, just like you. Talk with them, learn from all of us. You can do this.

I hope I have not bored you with this lengthy wandering dissertation. If I can help in any way, I am here for you.
Stay Strong, Inchy!
BHOG

[NoSugar]

Inchys journal

Thanks, BHOG!

You story is a great one for all of us who are new to this to read. I'm with you on how MWO works. And if people use all it offers, I think they truly CAN succeed -- like you!

All the best to you - NoSugar

BHOG;1482802 wrote: InChains-
When I decided to get sobered up, one of the major factors in my success was this site. It made me accountable to other people. While my wife supported my decision to quit, she was not about to "get between you and your habits." We had been down that road too many times, and I would become resentful of her telling me "you said you would quit." Then we would get into an arguement...I'm sure you know that road.

For me, having an agreement with myself to report my failures as well as my success to a group seemed to be a good tool.

When I really got serious about working through my alcoholism, I was on this site a great deal of the time. Posting as often as every hour, every 30 minutes, getting strength from others here who had been down my road. I had some great mentors, who would provide incredible postive comments when I did well, as well as constructive criticism when needed.

I also wrote down a plan. I did not want to go from 2 bottles of wine a night to zero in one day. So I wrote it down, and within two weeks could go a whole day without drinking. Then up to two, etc.

Did it go perfect? HELL NO! I slipped, I stumbled, I got drunk; I got back up, dusted myself off, and went back to work. It took about 1 to 1.5 years to get it right. I felt like a total failure when I fell, but when I succeeded in being successful for even a day, I felt powerful!

Part of the reason it took so long, in retrospect, is I thought I could moderate my consumption. And I could, to a point. But it seemed to me, and to the wife, that I could last about two weeks, then off the deep end. Then angry words would be said, tempers would be lost, and damage done. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not moderate at all, I needed to quit, and never go back.

Why did I drink? For all the regular reasons: rough childhood, bad day at work, stress over money, over inlaws, parents, and children. Because it was a sunny day and we were enjoying the deck in the evening. Perhaps because the sun came up, I would have a bloody mary. Perhaps because it was expected in my profession. Reality, it did not matter why I drank, I just did.

Perhaps because I was a fool.

I think I told you before, I write. I work on political points of view, on very personal poetry, and current events. I was of the opinion that my writing was better when I drank, and at that time I did not know any better, because I was always drinking. As I dried out, my writing became very rough, very uneven. But, when I finally acheived sobriety, my writing became much better, I achieved some of my personal goals, and am working on others.

Long story short, InChains, it is your life we are talking about here. You need to make the decision, will I let alcohol control the balance of my life, or will I control it? When you make that decision, make it firmly, write it down. Put it where you can see it every day. Create a plan, explain to your self exactly how you will succeed, what steps you need to take to succeed. Then, work the plan, follow it, keep yourself on track.
Don't be afraid to use the resources here. On this site, as I think you probably know, are people in various stages of recovery, or healing. Some of those people will never make the commitment to sober up, or even to moderate. Some are here just for the attention they crave. others, to "pay it forward" and be the mentor and support for someone else, just as others worked to help them. BUT, by and large, people here are trying to get a grip, just like you. Talk with them, learn from all of us. You can do this.

I hope I have not bored you with this lengthy wandering dissertation. If I can help in any way, I am here for you.
Stay Strong, Inchy!
BHOG

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

Inchy,
You can do this...I know it seems like a hard and daunting task, but if you want it bad enough, it will happen. We're glad you're here, and your journal is a great idea!
K9

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Day 2 pre-quit

So day 2 of pre-quit journal, have spent the day working and spring cleaning like mad, starting to feel a little bit excited, if that's the word, about maybe having a clear head n not having to sneak alcohol in and out of the house. Trying not to think about the day one, or 2.

Thanks to everybody for sharing with me how you've done, I've done this a few times now and always love hearing everybody's stories. Will probably post again later when Im a little more... relaxed haha

[InChains]

Inchys journal

so relaxation is welll underway haha. so thinking now a little more about day one, not all that sure if I actually want to do that, want to be sober, don't want to deal with quitting. Am feeling, I guess weak? Scared of quitting, scared of not. I stop, I hurt, I succeed or do I not? I carry on... I'm suffering already. I don't sleep well, waking up anxious at 4am, feeling godawful and running on at best 6-7 hours sleep. I could be worse, and i can see how easily. I am waiting for somebody to rescue me, it's not happening, so now I do what? how do I move forward, I've done it before but 2 years on. I don't know.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

so afraid

i planned to sleep now, but i've been having night terrors for a week, last night I believed the devil was after me, now I am too afraid to sleep. If anybody pops in, is this drinking, or just me?