Inchys journal

[Wagoneer]

Inchys journal

Inchy - great job on 3 days. Like DG, when I would stop drinking for a few days, then "reward" myself with a glass of wine (or 6), it would be so much harder to get back on. I was sober 11 months then fell off teh wagon...and it took me MONTHS to get to where I am today. It sucked! It was so hard, I could not believe it. Hardest thing I have ever done. No withdrawals or anything, just could not get rid of the DESIRE! It was hell. You seem to almost dread drinking "I am drinking tomorrow - I'm not sure that I want to..." then WHY do it? Why not try to get a few more days under your belt? You can do this Inchy. It really gets easier.

[Byrdlady]

Inchys journal

DG and Wags, I guess that's the ADDICTION part of this equation. When we do muddle thru a few days and then reward that behavior with a drink, the 'pleasure/reward' centers of our brains go nuts with joy. Like playing a slot machine, you go and go without a hit and when you do, it reinforces the behavior to keep you going. It is only with continued consecutive days that you get this monkey off your back. 40 days was a good beginning (I think I read you had a good string at one time) but it takes that and more to get rid of the cravings and anxiety associated with AL. Even if you do the days with the ultimate goal having a reward in mind it's not gong to work either....only starving this beast will kill it.

I see on this site so many people who think that they are the exception to these rules....because I was one of them. I really thought I could outsmart this thing....after over 3 years of trial and error I can tell you, we ALL have many more similarities than differences. It doesn't matter your age, race, religion or sex....AL does not discriminate. As long as you feed it, it's YOURS. We all learn this sooner or later....wouldn't you rather be one of the ones who learns it sooner? The ending is always the same, how many times must it be repeated? Isn't it time to try something new? Give it a chance to work...give your body time to heal...you will be amazed. Or you can stay on this ride and continue to wonder why....

It is a choice that we all have to make. Byrdie

[allswell]

Inchys journal

Wags post makes so much sense and resonates so much because I went 11 months then fell off too. You know deep down what you need to do, now do it! Good luck Inchy.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

couldn't do it today, can't get my mind right, dunno what to do, i'm really trying this time, more than before, more than I have in years. I feel so much shame and sadness that I couldn't do it, the thought was just in my head for hours and hours and hours, waking 6am, it there, sleep, wake up, back again. Don't know what to do with myself.

[Doggygirl]

Inchys journal

InChains;1491956 wrote: couldn't do it today, can't get my mind right, dunno what to do, i'm really trying this time, more than before, more than I have in years. I feel so much shame and sadness that I couldn't do it, the thought was just in my head for hours and hours and hours, waking 6am, it there, sleep, wake up, back again. Don't know what to do with myself.

Stop flogging yourself. You can be AF RIGHT NOW. THIS MINUTE. Step back on the wagon, OK? No reason to wait.

DG

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Might not be able to take care of myself these days, but just made over $100 to help people in the same situation in Seattle, anybody who knows anything about grunge knows why my moneys going there. Alot of shipping to do, one of the best things I've done in my life, maybe the best. People all over the world know me for my work now, are supporting me, I have achieved something I never thought possible and yeah, I still only have one pair of shoes, n those have holes in, n I've been wearing the same second hand winter coat since I was 15 - but I might just get to help save a life. Thats gotta be worth the time and money. Hell I just know it is.

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Dear Inchy,
A quick note at the end of my day to let you know how thoughtful and kind I think you are -- from your work to help those in need in Seattle to posting a note to those in Boston. You are a caring soul.

I was reading through this thread and I wanted to share with you that when I was close to your age I had an intense period of questioning the merit/worth of pretty much everything I had been raised to believe was important or worth believing in -- religion, social contracts, community. I had to think through what are my values, what do I believe, and why. It was a painful process, but I came out stronger. Then, many years later I allowed myself to start a love affair with red wine--unfortunately it was not "An Affair to Remember" but rather one to learn from and put behind me, which I am doing.

I will end by reiterating that two years ago you slogged through difficult days/nights to achieve 45 consecutive days of sobriety. In addition to being caring and creative, you are also strong and determined.

All best, Free

[InChains]

Inchys journal

So I am not doing good. I haven't had an AF day since about a week ago now, can't get my head straight. For a while I tried, and I failed, I don't know if I'm trying anymore, i guess this post means I am. My instinct is to pull away, to a degree I am doing that - this is the only place I'm posting on forums. I don't have friends to be around, I'm avoiding my family, I see my fiance but the stuff that matters? I can't talk about it. I'm recoiling from the world around me, hiding in whatever world I've made. I question why constantly. I have achieved things that amaze me every day, my life is difficult but no more than it was before, why can I not do this? the withdrawals are mild compared to most, but the way I feel, last sunday I knew I would drink, I woke up with it in my head, a tiny little idea that just swallowed me whole. I can't imagine what the worlds like anymore, when its just me, not me and booze, myself, my mind. I don't know anymore. Still, constant, questions.

Free: I learnt to question everything when I was 12 or 13, I started drinking about then too. What I was raised to believe? Theres a long story there I might tell some time - but its mine and for now it stays with me. Thank you for your kind words.

-Inchy

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Inchy, please keep trying. I have been trying to quit for years. I make some progress, then listen to the voices in my head to "go on, have a drink", which spirals out of control, making me depressed and disgusted. Eventually, I decide this is not the life I want, and I rely on grit and iron will to help me succeed, which has worked for a while, but not longterm.

This time, I am engaging as much compassion as I can muster-- for myself, for others struggling with this issue, for those who don't understand why I don't just have one glass of wine and stop.

I am thinking of you and hoping you can piece together a few moments each day of clarity and peace. Warmest, Free

[InChains]

Inchys journal

So, my thoughts form today:

what you see now is a vast improvement on my worst. at worst, the rock bottom that taught me i had a problem I passed out on my floor or in my chair every night. I cut myself. I blacked out and drank from noon. I was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning and would have drank the next day if my mother hadn't have banned me for 2 days. How does a ban from my mother work? that was me at 15. and nobody did anything.

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Dear Inchy,
I wish I had some great words of wisdom or advice, but everything I come up with seems trite. I think that writing in this journal may be helpful in that you know there are others, continents away, checking on how you are doing, and rooting for you. Sending positive thoughts/energy your way. Free

[InChains]

Inchys journal

yet only you speck to me free. i think perhaps nobody reads this anymore, because they've given up on me too.

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

I'm still here! I have been from the beginning....

Sometimes it's hard to respond to someone's "private" thoughts. Sometimes people just need to vent and aren't really expecting a response.

I just want you to know I am still here and will continue to be....

I have a lot to say about what happened to you as a 15 year old (I have a 15 year old daughter)...but I don't know if it would be offensive.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

k9, the things that happened... its not offensive to me. my mums a lone parent and severely mentally ill, i fend for myself, she bought me booze coz i liked it, now i can't stop. anything you want to say, i want to hear

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

Well you pretty much explained it, your mom is mentally ill. My question would have been what is wrong with her? But I'm sorry that she's sick. I just want to give the 15 year old you a hug and take care of you. :l And the NOW you too.