Inchys journal

[InChains]

Inchys journal

she has bipolar and some form of schizotypal, shes not really in my world at all sometimes, she wasn't medicated until 2 years ago.

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

That's awful! I am so sorry.

When I was drinking, I used to black out EVERY night too. I just want you to know that it's not hopeless and it CAN be done.

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Inchy,
I am checking on you almost every day. It's after midnight and this middle aged lady (almost 55!) has to call it a day. Please do know you are not alone in this.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

hey, don't be sorry, its the hand some of us were dealt. Both my folks are mentally ill and thats ok, i just have to stand alone and alcohol, so far thats the only way i know how. I want to be ok, and sober, just need a little help now, i realise.

[Glass Half Empty]

Inchys journal

Inchy
I have some thoughts but I'm not very good at expressing them so I hope this comes out OK. I've been reading a lot lately about how people who start drinking when they are young are sort of 'frozen' at that age in terms of maturity.

I know you're afraid of facing the world without alcohol because you don't feel ready for it, and maybe that's because the parts of you that should have been taught how to do it when you were growing up didn't get the right lessons.

I feel the same as K9 - I just want to reach out to the little teenage Inchy that's still in there somewhere and give her a big hug and tell her everything is OK.

If you were looking after that little 12 year old that started drinking as a way to cope what would you say to her and how would you look after her? Because that's how kind and helpful you should be to yourself.

Here's a hug for the little Inchy :l and one for the big one too. :l

[InChains]

Inchys journal

broke my off switch

I feel like the 3 days sober broke my off switch. I'm drinking every day again, more than I did before, I can't seem to see a way out of this situation. I'm making positive changes in my life, but no matter what I do the drinking stays. I feel like I'm just one false step away from losing myself, whoever I am, and just becoming this addiction. I'm so angry that nobody around me sees the fact that I need to change, what I'm doing to myself. I need help.

glass I understand what you're saying - I can deal with situations, I can be an adult and work and take care of my family, but I can't cope with emotions, I drink when I'm sad, I shout and scream when I'm angry. I need to work on that.

-Inchy

[Glass Half Empty]

Inchys journal

Inchy it sounds like you do need proper help sweetie.
Most people here drink too much despite that fact that it hurts them, but it sounds as though you're doing it because it hurts. You mentioned before that you've cut yourself in the past and it sounds like this is just another way to self harm. It also sounds like everyone around you is too self-absorbed to hear your cry for help.

Please try and get some professional help. We'll be here too, to help you as much as we can.

[Wagoneer]

Inchys journal

Inchy - I read this thread every day and keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily. I wish I could help you. I wish you peace with your struggles.

[K9Lover]

Inchys journal

Inchy,
Do you have anyone that you can confide in? A best girlfriend maybe? Someone that won't judge and will ONLY try to help, no matter what? I know that's a tall order, but a REAL friend will do that for you. I am just concerned that you seem to be so alone. I had to get sober alone because I felt like it was up to me only, but some people really need the assistance of others, and it seems like you do...and that is perfectly ok too. Is there anyone you can lean on?

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Glass: a good friend on forums has given me the number and address for a place that might help me out a bit, I'm just trying to find time to get there.

Wagoneer: Thank you, I can't explain how much better I feel knowing I have people who care for me here.

K9: I do not exaggerate then I say this: I have no friends. Nobody close to me except my fiance. I speak to many people in passing but don't have anybody I would consider a true friend - I haven't even seen many of my closer acquaintances since June of last year. I genuinely am that isolated.

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Dear Inchy,
I am so glad to hear that you have a name/number of a potential support system. Please do this for yourself -- you deserve it. You know there are people here who are concerned for your well being and want to see you succeed in your goals, whether they be artistic, healthy living, your relationship with your fiance, or the support you provide to those in Seattle. While we are physically separated, I think all of us reaching out to you feel a connection to you and want you to find some serenity. Warmest regards, Free

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Been a while

So turns out this has really just become a place to drunk post when nobody else wants to listen to me talking utter rubbish. Still not sober, its not 4pm yet and I've got a drink, haven't done that for a while. I've become almost totally incapable of doing anything, I start tasks I don't finish, I lose things, lose interest, when I'm sober I drift through the day completely lost, I have things to do, but even those that I love I cannot summon enough interest to start. I feel like I am losing myself now, my life is just drifting away from me a day at a time, I realized today I can hardly remember doing anything for the last month, nothing productive outside of my little business venture.

Today I had to clear out the holdall I've been using to hide my empties in in my living room, I can't even put them out in the rubbish incase somebody notices that the one or two cans I leave around of a night to appear 'normal' is less than half the story. It's pathetic, how secretive I'm becoming, I hide myself in this room, I close the door whenever I'm anywhere else. I have no excuse to carry on as I am, people who drank much more, much longer can stop so why do i keep going back to this? I torture myself constantly, thinking about what I'm missing out on, half memories of bad things I've done, or trying to recall those hours spent in what I can only assume is black out.

One line from a song in my head for days now
'I'll close my eyes really really tight and I'll make you all go away'
I listen to that every night, on repeat, I ignore the fact the man singing died from his own addiction years ago - because if I can hear that and do nothing... I am not as good a person as I should be.

-Inchy

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Dear Inchy,
Please don't think in terms of being a good person or not. Like so many of us, alcohol has robbed you of your joy and interest in life. I've been reading a lot of posts on MWO and the people who have been AF a long time talk about "starving the beast." I know that you are not interested in any kind of meds (I, too, haven't gone down that route -- too strong of reactions). But, please try to get some kind of professional assistance or support. I can't imagine trying to starve this SOB without support, beyond the good people of MWO. Thinking of you.
Free

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Just wondering if the person who down voted my journal would care to tell me why? find it interesting that something as personal as a journal can be subject to the criticism of others simply because I choose to be open in it. I am just glad that I am not someone who relies on the approval of others, so I feel angry as apposed to upset at this kind of judgmental behavior.

I down voted myself after seeing the rating changed. I thought it was funny.

-Inchy

[Erik K]

Inchys journal

Inchy Morning. At least it is where i am. Your post above is spot on. It took about 23 years but i too lost all interest in my life. ALL. That’s not what made me stop. I stopped to save my marriage. Of all the things i lost the one thing i could not stomach was losing my wife. Well second wife, lost the first to AL but that’s another looooong story no one wants to hear, or I don’t want to tell, didn’t like her much anyway…. But everyone here can relate to loosing something, sta Bein? THAT my friend was after 30 years of drankin. 30 years ....DO NOT let that happen to you 30 years will put you at 50 like me with a lot of regret and little fuzzy memories. Get professional help As Free at Last advised if you cant stop on your own. It will be hard and you will feel like shit for, oh, about 2 months. Then much better as more time goes by. Just go ahead and suffer the 2 months. Just do it, don’t think just do. Love to you brother.
Erik