Inchys journal

[InChains]

Inchys journal

I understand red, I have tried and failed before to get sober and I know all too well the pain of that - my last quit attempt was after a much more serious period of heavy drinking and the failure hurt a great deal. I know I may fail, and if I do it will be my last attempt at 'modding' in any form, but I feel I owe myself a chance at at least one normal weekend a year.

[Struggles 106]

Inchys journal

I agree Wagoneer

Inchy I hope you are doing OK too. Frankly I think you are not readyt o stop drinking, and that's OK. It's your choice;it's your life.

I wish you well.

[YouKayBee]

Inchys journal

InChains;1498312 wrote: I understand red, I have tried and failed before to get sober and I know all too well the pain of that - my last quit attempt was after a much more serious period of heavy drinking and the failure hurt a great deal. I know I may fail, and if I do it will be my last attempt at 'modding' in any form, but I feel I owe myself a chance at at least one normal weekend a year.

Normal?

Well if normal means risking chucking yourself back into the hellish struggles I've seen you post about, then that's fine.

Normal to me isn't getting spannered, or risking going back to the way I was.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

UK: if I fail, I will stop, but I have not failed yet and I want to try this. Normal can be drinking at a festival, once a year - I think I can do it. If i'm wrong, I'm wrong and I will stop

Ann: I'm not sure either, but I'm trying and thats the best I can do, thank you for understanding.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs2v4-KNSvU[/video]]Blind Melon~Soup - YouTube

this is what I've been listening to alot, I'd encourage you all to try it, its a great song and means alot to me.

[Doggygirl]

Inchys journal

InChains;1497036 wrote: and theres the depression... yay.
The alcohol is part or all of the depression problem. Plenty of research to back that up. And not drinking for a day or 2 here and there isn't nearly long enough to see how much of the depression is being caused by AL.

InChains;1496987 wrote: today is day one, time to change. I wanted to share my life now, as a way of, I guess explaining where I'm coming from and venting how I feel, and how things are.

wake up, small hours, head hurts, throats dry, down a pint of water to relieve the dehydration which only draws attention to the nausea. I lie back, close my eyes, nothing feels right, sleep takes along time to come, I have already resolved to drink again that night - I convince myself I feel ill because I have not had enough sleep, it is not the alcohol. I doze off. The alarm goes, maybe 2 hours later. Feel much the same, by now my stomach hurts. I dress, go downstairs and survey the lounge, hoping nobody else has been in there before me as the floor and table are covered in empties. I take a couple upstairs, leaving 2 to seem 'normal'. 2 cups of strong coffee and an attempt at breakfast later I am ready to head out for the day, on a good day I have packed for work the previous night, on a bad day I have not and am subsequently late. By this point I have been up an hour, and have already spent alot of that time thinking about drinking.

I get through work, on lunch I may go and buy the nights supplies (this depends on where I bought my last batch from, I alternate two stores, if I buy in the town I have to sneak the cans in in my work bag, thus hiding the fact i have had to buy alcohol 2 days in a row.) Some days i finish at 2 (by this time my stomach has probably stopped being an issue, alon with the nausea and headache), I go home and have an afternoon beer. If I work all day I simply think about this. I eat dinner, starting to think about whether its 'reasonable' to open another. I don't - because I know once I start I have to continue until I sleep, and I will not be asleep for some time yet. I try and do other things, nothing works.

Eventually at 9 I settle to my first drink, in the next 3 hours I will consume roughly 10 units, sometimes in addition to the earlier beer. I am now incapable of drawing or writing, and have started to say some very dumb things. I will probably go out for at least 2 cigarettes before bedtime at around 1am. I will likely argue with my fiance about the fact i have been drinking again in this time. I then crawl into my bed, close my eyes, and am usually out within seconds. 4-5 hours later I will be awake again - and thinking about my next drink.

so, is that living? I don't think so.
The scenario you paint is so familiar. That's similar to how non-lived for years. No matter what is bad or good in my life, it's ALL better without AL. WAY better.

InChains;1497223 wrote: Day 2. made it.

One day at a time. Good job.

InChains;1497487 wrote: tried to persuade my family to give me alcohol (because i decided being given it doesn't count as drinking... dumb yeah, I know) failed. been sober, coming up to day 3, weekend tomorrow, no intention of making it to day 4. May stop journaling as I am sick of posting hope, then failure over an over again, and it's not fair to have others read that.

You are making this WAY harder on yourself than it needs to be by continually starting and stopping. The cravings really will diminish if you put some distance between you and AL. Starting and stopping was like a torture chamber when I did it, and it seems like it's that way for you too.

My suggestion would be to focus on just today and staying sober. Forget the festival until the time comes. Who knows what you might discover on your journey between now and then. TODAY is the day that matters most.

:h

DG

[free at last]

Inchys journal

Hi Inchy, been offline for several days. Below is one link to meditation instruction. There are countless others on the internet. Hope you will give it a try, hopefully for a week or so. Very helpful for me. Tara Brach - Audio - Guided Meditations

Will follow you 40+ day plan with great interest and support.

[InChains]

Inchys journal

DG: The festival is a way of making me stick to this, if I know there is an end it's easier to do each day, its a goal and something good to look to - walking through the big gates and seeing the arena again, its unbeatable. I know the depression is mostly al related, or as a result of stopping. I'm going to let myself get it out of my system this time though, I am determined to do this plan.

Free: will definitely give that a go, thank you

[sugarbeat]

Inchys journal

Righteo Inchy, stick with the one day at the time with the drink, I could go blue in the face telling you to be careful around any idea of premeditated drinking when you are quite possibly an alcoholic, not for me to say whether you are or not...

So how's about for the the next while detox, and do all you can to involve a little personal growth, therapy(you have the contacts), meditation, exercise to clear the head maybe, read a few books(I'm sure we could all recommend a few), learn about the disease in an attempt to genuinely transform your life, find your path to recovery and get inspired. Getting sober is step one, getting happy in yourself is step two ... You might well surprise yourself

Best of luck you

[InChains]

Inchys journal

Sugar: decided therapy's not for me, don't really trust anybody enough to speak openly like that. Going to try meditation, take up running again, and have plenty of books lined up - probably not the sort you'd recommend but alot of inspiration to be found in rocker biographies, most of them have had and got through substance abuse issues at some time, plenty of useful info there. Keep on drawing, playing my bass, I have plenty of things to do.

And for me one day at a time makes each day seem real long, you say 42 days, well then each day is a drop in the ocean, a drops easier to deal with than a tidal wave. So I'm rocking 42 days, coz for me thats easier.

-Inchy

[sugarbeat]

Inchys journal

Sounds like you have no release valve for your crap, only drink, you suppress, suppress suppress, and you're in la la land now, thinking about a concert in 42 days....

[InChains]

Inchys journal

I have music, I have art and I have writing. There is nothing better than that.

[sugarbeat]

Inchys journal

Honestly, do you want people in your life at all?

[paulywogg]

Inchys journal

hey inchy,yeah lots of musicians had/have substance abuse probs,and alot died too young from it including the frontman of blind melon that you posted earlier,i hope you make the 40 odd days sober,but i also hope you dont go to your event and drink,drink,drink,im only saying that cuz thats been my pattern staying sober then giving myself the green light and drinking more than i ever did

[Struggles 106]

Inchys journal

HI INCHY

I have art music and writing also. I can tell you that all of these are better sober.

I thought I could play guitar better with beer and weed-HAHAHA-NOT.

My worry for you is this---having been a musician for years I have been to many events like your festival. I'm way older than you so trust me on this.

OOPS-back to my worry for you--simply too much alcohol in a venue like that for your body to tolerate. I'm thinking Amy Winehouse. I know that at the end of my drinking career I drank of course WAY too much, and there's a pretty fine line between blackout and coma.

Just sayin', not trying to scare you but I have seen it happen, along with overdose deaths. Much later when I worked in clinical settings I have the pleasure of seeing end stage alcoholism deaths as well. These things didn's stop me. But it ani't pretty.

You have so much to offer, seems a shame to squander it.