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    #1

    Escaping bad friendship?

    So since I told my freidns everyones been supportive, offerin AF activity dates etc. Except one. This guy is a musician, quite frankly i hate all of his musc, i sued to go to shows when he asked though... but since i started working on my drinking (this is the same guy who told me I didnt have a problem and it was OK to black out) he's invited me to two bars... and pushed me and guilt tripped me when i said no... the next ones in may at some dive nd I really dont want to go. The other catch, we work together, and carpool. And he gets SUPER upset when anything doesnt go how he wants it to. I just ant him gone.. wish he'd just quit and leave me alone any advice?
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    #2
    Escaping bad friendship?

    Hi,

    I've noticed that since I've stopped getting trashed with AL that my friends support me, BUT because I'm now more aware of things I have had to let people go.

    This guy does not have your best interests in mind. If you can, you need to tell him the basics: you don't go to bars. I wouldn't waste time explaining the details unless you want a bunch of drama. Ask him to respect your choice if that feels right.

    I'm sorry that you drive to work together. Perhaps brainstorm about other ways to get to work.

    I found that I drank because I couldn't stand up to other people. So now that I'm healthy I'm sure as hell not suffering for them!

    Just my thoughts,

    kronkcarr

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      #3
      Escaping bad friendship?

      Tell him to F off out of your life
      If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

      Comment

        #4
        Escaping bad friendship?

        I would tell him point blank in a friendly way that you don't drink anymore. If he pressures you, cajols you, etc., then I would say "Sorry, I'll talk about anything else but this topic is not up for discussion.". And stick to it. Do not engage at all. The friendship may survive on its own merits or may just die a natural death. Don't get worked up about it - stay calm - but do not even discuss it.
        Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

        Comment

          #5
          Escaping bad friendship?

          Sweetie-
          This discussion, which he wants to control, is not about him and you, or him, it is about you. You have every right to say, no I don't drink. And you owe NO ONE a reason, an excuse, or an apology. It is YOUR body, YOUR mind, YOUR life.
          Just because your ride to work together, does not give him right to control your life, or to make you feel guilty about YOUR choices.
          "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt.
          BHOG

          ?Alcohol removes inhibitions - like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: "Now bring on that damn cat!"-Eleanor Early

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            #6
            Escaping bad friendship?

            what if he was pushing himself on you in a sexually harassing way? this isn't much different, he's being controlling and domineering. no means no, no matter what the no is about.

            try telling him you don't like his music, then he'll be so flabbergasted, he probably won't want you there!
            10-06-2012

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              #7
              Escaping bad friendship?

              bettygirl;1487209 wrote: what if he was pushing himself on you in a sexually harassing way? this isn't much different, he's being controlling and domineering. no means no, no matter what the no is about.

              try telling him you don't like his music, then he'll be so flabbergasted, he probably won't want you there!
              Betty- I didn't have the nerve to put it that way, but that was part of my thinking.
              BHOG

              ?Alcohol removes inhibitions - like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: "Now bring on that damn cat!"-Eleanor Early

              Comment

                #8
                Escaping bad friendship?

                Do you even like this guy? He sounds like a real A-hole.

                I agree with Betty, tell him his music sucks and you have no interest in wasting an evening listening to it! That should stop all further invitations!

                Also, sounds like he has his own set of "issues" if he thinks blacking out is OK!
                :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Escaping bad friendship?

                  Sticky Sticky

                  All of these responses make sense, except I like my job, and I dont want it to be awkward, and if he all the sudden has to take a bus to work he probably wont be very nice anymore, and I work in a dangerous environment, and Im the only woman, so I cant have ANY bad gossip going around. I did like him at one time.... but hes a shitty musician, hes completely self centered, and he is a HORRIBLE worker, but I cant upset him, I tried looking for a new job but no one is hiring.... i think im just stuck.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Escaping bad friendship?

                    Wait a minute, he carpools with YOU (your car) and he feels he can control you?
                    He needs more help than you can give him (unless you are a licensed social worker).
                    BHOG

                    ?Alcohol removes inhibitions - like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: "Now bring on that damn cat!"-Eleanor Early

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Escaping bad friendship?

                      BHOG;1487483 wrote: Wait a minute, he carpools with YOU (your car) and he feels he can control you?
                      He needs more help than you can give him (unless you are a licensed social worker).
                      :H:H:H
                      I had the same thoughts Baldy.

                      Sweetie, your thread caught my eye because I had the same friend. I actually think she thoroughly enjoyed watching me lose control. I got rid of her under very unpleasant and drunk circumstances, but my instinct was telling me to run! I was right. Things have been a lot easier since I no longer have contact, both with alcohol issues and non alcohol issues.
                      Control freaks are very scared insecure people at heart, but they have no right to drag you into their dysfunction. You are also feeding their negative behaviour by going along.

                      Do yourself a favour and very kindly but firmly end a harmful relationship.
                      If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
                      Rejoined life 20/5/19

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Escaping bad friendship?

                        I cant end the relationship though, is what I am trying to say, at least, if I did end the relationship I honestly believe I could lose my job. Where I work if people talk enough shit they will fire you. and I have debt. It sucks because I got him the job too. And I dont think he's a control freak, I just think he's completely unaware of other people, if I say no to this bar invite it will turn into "You dont support my music" and I cant just say "no your music is shitty" i dont know... I was hoping he would realize I dont make plans or call him except for work and we could just slide into a good working relationship but he keeps inviting me out, saying his wife and him miss me... Half of me really wants to have the "Your very nice and I really like you but we're just good co-workers now" talk but I feel like he's so self centered he will take it as a personal offense and have me fired.... getting him hired was the worst desicion I ever made... I gave him a career, taught him a trade - got him three times as much money as hes ever seen, and hes fucking killing me inside.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Escaping bad friendship?

                          sweetie78,

                          I've had conversations with myself that are similar to your last post and I drove myself crazy!
                          I hear all the points you've made--work wise, financial and your feelings. I'm just saying that, for me, not being drunk has allowed me to stop being afraid of taking care of myself. I've realized
                          I'm a pretty cool, valuable person and I don't have to be uncomfortable so that someone else is comfortable.

                          It is your decision. How will you feel if you do go to the bar? What if you make an appearance and leave and don't drink? What if you get sucked in and drink? Keep posting about it and you'll figure something out.

                          kronkcarr

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                            #14
                            Escaping bad friendship?

                            wish I could go back in time.... you know my boss threatened to fire him... but to me.. as in threatened to fire him and yelled at me and never told him about it.. made me discipline him for them, what have I done.... i feel like such an idiot..

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Escaping bad friendship?

                              Is there any way that you could be proactive and talk to your boss about this? You don't have to go into all the gory details but just tell him that you are trying to back away from the friendship and that you fear that he will begin to talk about you and make life difficult for you.

                              I would also begin documenting everything that happens at work. If this guy creates a hostile work environment and they fire you, you may just have a wrongful termination suit to file.

                              Also, I would tell this fellow that you cannot "support his music" if it means putting yourself in a situation that is risky for you.

                              I'm not sure how realistic the threat you are feeling is, or how much power this man really has. I know that you are scared. I would try talking to your boss. This man is harrassing you by the constant invitations, etc. You don't have to be a victim.

                              Hugs,
                              :l
                              YahYah
                              AF as of August 5th, 2012

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