Who needs counselling when I have all of you! I've never known such kindness. After I posted last night I decided to continue with my mural painting I'm doing. But I stopped as I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I went quietly to bed. That was good because in the past I have stayed up alone and drank until day-light. I am not back at square one. i had a blip. I have learnt something I needed to know. I have found out my trigger. It's whenever I'm in a situation where my husband is not there to watch over me- like a father keeping his eye on a naughty child.
Yesterday when my friends came over we had been drinking tea quite happily. Then my friend asked if I had any wine. I said they could have some but I didn't fancy it, (lie-lie) They are un-aware of my problem with it - I'm too ashamed for them to know my complete lack of control. That makes me angry again, like I might aswell ring the bells shouting "Un-clean, un-clean!" My friend said why not just have one. So I thought I would test myself and try one. It was lovely and I chinked my glass saying to myself here's 41 days clean. The funny thing was I stopped enjoying myself from that moment on. I kept a close eye on my friends' levels of wine in their glasses. I made sure I kept at their pace and thought how painfully slow they were sipping and how restrained I was trying to be. How could I possibly enjoy the conversation with all this going on inside me. I just wanted to down it and top up. Then my husband came home. He noticed my glass and gave me a look; he said how well I HAD done and what a shame. That made me feel like I'd done wrong, let him down. So I topped up out of defiance. He was disappointed and initially i wanted to prove to him that I could control this. Clearly I can not and he knows that. I have also got to learn that I am doing this sobriety thing for me not him. But i am always looking for approval like a child and want to please him. So when I feel like I'm letting him down, I think well what the hell, he's right I am a loser and so i might aswell give in, just like a child would do, act how you are perceived; Stupid is as Stupid does! But, no- I know thats not right. I think i'm learning again through this incident. I had got a bit cocky and was beginning to think perhaps I didn't have a problem anymore- naivley. Just because I didn't have a drink for 41 days doesn't mean the problem's gone away, it's just waiting in the wings urging me to slip up. I am aware now and I will be waiting for IT next time and do you know what? - I'm going to punch it's lights out and i'm not a violent person.
Thankyou for all your tremendously helpful words you wrote and... just for me! That makes me feel so special and good. I'm on my own tonight so I am going to stay on line for a while.
There we are.....I've been really honest here and hopefully honest with myself. Bellaxxx
Yesterday when my friends came over we had been drinking tea quite happily. Then my friend asked if I had any wine. I said they could have some but I didn't fancy it, (lie-lie) They are un-aware of my problem with it - I'm too ashamed for them to know my complete lack of control. That makes me angry again, like I might aswell ring the bells shouting "Un-clean, un-clean!" My friend said why not just have one. So I thought I would test myself and try one. It was lovely and I chinked my glass saying to myself here's 41 days clean. The funny thing was I stopped enjoying myself from that moment on. I kept a close eye on my friends' levels of wine in their glasses. I made sure I kept at their pace and thought how painfully slow they were sipping and how restrained I was trying to be. How could I possibly enjoy the conversation with all this going on inside me. I just wanted to down it and top up. Then my husband came home. He noticed my glass and gave me a look; he said how well I HAD done and what a shame. That made me feel like I'd done wrong, let him down. So I topped up out of defiance. He was disappointed and initially i wanted to prove to him that I could control this. Clearly I can not and he knows that. I have also got to learn that I am doing this sobriety thing for me not him. But i am always looking for approval like a child and want to please him. So when I feel like I'm letting him down, I think well what the hell, he's right I am a loser and so i might aswell give in, just like a child would do, act how you are perceived; Stupid is as Stupid does! But, no- I know thats not right. I think i'm learning again through this incident. I had got a bit cocky and was beginning to think perhaps I didn't have a problem anymore- naivley. Just because I didn't have a drink for 41 days doesn't mean the problem's gone away, it's just waiting in the wings urging me to slip up. I am aware now and I will be waiting for IT next time and do you know what? - I'm going to punch it's lights out and i'm not a violent person.
Thankyou for all your tremendously helpful words you wrote and... just for me! That makes me feel so special and good. I'm on my own tonight so I am going to stay on line for a while.
There we are.....I've been really honest here and hopefully honest with myself. Bellaxxx
Control the Mind
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