who am i?

[abcowboy]

Pauly, it's hard for me to hear you struggle, it's times like this that I would trade my sobriety with someone who needs and wants it! There are no easy answers, no easy way out. And when I was going to AA, I remember them all telling me it would get easier, and it just made me mad, how could they even imagine what my life was like, what I was going through!! How could a life without alcohol be any easier!! All quitting would do is alienate me from my friends, make me a social outcast, show everyone how weak I really was. And I keep reminding myself the name of this site, My Way Out, and that's exactly what it is for every one of us. We have to find the way that works for us. The point is, never stop looking for the way out! For some, they get it right away, for others, it takes many tries, and some are still searching. Don't ever stop searching, there will be a way for you as well, you just have to discover it! :hug:

[NoSugar]

I'm feeling sort of a disconnect from being here anymore I don't seem like I'm serious to the other members, if I were an outsider reading this, I'd feel like this person is nuts!wants to keep drinking, doesn't put enough effort and time into sobriety, yada,yada

Hi, Pauly

In the couple years I've been here, I've seen many, many more people come and go compared to the number that stay. So, right off the bat, you're in a select group of people who want to get alcohol out of their lives. Perhaps some of the people who posted for awhile and left are off happily living AF lifes and perhaps others found other sources of support. However, I suspect that the vast majority of them are still drinking. So, please don't put yourself down! You haven't yet met your goal but you haven't given up! And like they say, you only have to quit one time more that you choose to drink.

I know you're serious about this - I've read your posts and have seen you gather yourself up and try again. That takes strength, commitment, and courage. I don't think you're nuts - I think you're addicted to alcohol. I admire you for coming back and trying again each time. I had a hard time leaving my ego behind when I joined MWO and I'm not sure I would have had the guts to come back if I drank. I might have been one of those who slunk off and no one ever heard from again... While this was helpful in keeping me from drinking during the beginning because I didn't want to lose the friendships and support that I'd gained, I don't think it is the right approach. I truly hope that if I were to drink now, I would have the confidence to come back without worrying about what other people thought of "NoSugar".

You seem to be worried right now about what others on MWO are thinking. As Lav has said many times, it's not your business what others think of you :wink:. But also, we've been there! There is no one here who is in a position to judge you. I've seen posts where you've been offered suggestions; those aren't judgments - they are sincere efforts to help you achieve what we all know you want.

You're had some good, long, AF stretches so you know you can do this. It's a matter of finding the right tool to use when after 30 or 40 days or so or when an unexpected stress develops, you don't choose to drink. Do you have some ideas of how we can help you at those times?

Stick around, Pauly. You're getting closer and closer to the life you want and deserve. This can be your last day 4 if you want it to be.

xx, NS

[Lizann]

Wow, powerful, NoSugar! Thank you!

[paulywogg]

Excellent posts by everyone one thing is for sure is that I'm NOT a quitter! I'll keep fighting until it kills me,I am just rattled and ashamed at having been at this for soooo long,the relapses have only gotten harder and longer, it took me a full 9 days to stop,I'm afraid that if I keep this up eventually it will be a continuous stream of drinking, goddam it's not fun or funny anymore! It's gotten to a point of life or death for me,I missed so much work I had to take out a loan to pay my booth rent at the shop,I had to charge groceries, gas,beer, so already in debt and made it worse, that's why I feel so desperate for this, it always starts with a stressful day and I think I can have a few,I can't, once that sip is taken, all bets are off, I won't give up on myself though

[treetops]

No you are not a quitter Pauly. You just can't have a few. Almost of us here can't either. Concentrate on getting through each day AF - am sure you will pay off the debt soon cos you are a hard worker and a very determined person.
tAt the moment just get through each day and don't agonize about what you have done - or too much how you will cope in the future without AL. Small steps at the moment and be kind to yourself!
Hey its Monday morning here and I am off to work already!

[paulywogg]

Day 10 (AGAIN),I haven't been back to see Dan yet,I'm gonna go next week, I did squeeze in an early morning AA meeting on Wednesday though, it was 7 am and I figured it would be a bunch of old people, but it was all men,one woman who was the leader, all ages,don't think I really fit in at that particular time but listening to their stories was helpful, one guy had 3 dui's since 2011,Eeks!another guy never wanted to really quit but his wife had a nervous breakdown over his shenanigans so he quit 7 years ago, it's amazing that we all look different, have different careers and can be rich or poor but in hearing everybody talk it all sounds so familiar! I'll go back but probably pick an afternoon meeting instead, not today though cuz I'm battling a cold or allergies and my head and eyes feel heavy, I have the strangest insomnia, I fall asleep around 9,sleep hard for 4 or 5 hours then wake up, it worries me but I guess I just have to accept it,even benadryl doesn't keep me asleep, I took one at midnight on Thursday and I woke up 2 hours later, whatevs, was thinking about what makes someone an alcoholic?what's the criteria? Is the guy who comes home from work and has 3 or 4 every night an alcoholic? Is the person who gets totally wasted once a week an alkie? In my mind I don't think so, I know most of us just imagine the homeless dude drinking out of a paper bag when we hear"alcoholic" or the uncle who's constantly drunk but always hilarious, just something I was pondering as I was leaving the meeting, I know I'm an alcoholic, I accept it, I guess I was offended once by a customer who called himself an alcoholic because he drank too much on occasion, isn't that a stupid reason to be offended? It's just knowing what I've been through, and what others have gone through its insulting for me to hear someone claiming to be an alkie when they're clearly not,does this even make sense? I think too much haha,it sounds like I'm trying to defend a title, I'm not,I'm ashamed to be this way, it would be one thing if it was firmly in the past, but to be "trying" to quit for nearly 4 years now is asinine, why not just keep the quit going?why blow it and start over again and again?crazy bitch, it's like losing and gaining the same 5 lbs over and over, meh

[Lizann]

Yes well here sits another crazy bitch! Back on day one for me.

[kabkab]

Hi Pauly. Check out my join date. Not because I am proud of it, but because you can see some of us have been here over and over for years and fallen back into the same pattern. It's hard to get out of - really hard.


I feel like I have been drunk or hung over for more than 20 years. I have put on 50-60 pounds. It's been awful and traumatic for me to look in the mirror and see what I have become.


So March 1 I started down the sobriety path again. I took 2 weeks to taper off and am now working on day 7 of being af. If you can believe it, I still feel hung over when I wake up. I look forward to that feeling being gone. I look forward to sleeping more than 6 hours a night (or less). I look forward to a new me. That is what is keeping me going this time.


As you can see I don't post much, but your thread has made me come out of the woodwork. Keep on keeping on. You can do this!!

[paulywogg]

Hi Kab,yes this certainly is a process, some people seem to get it so quick, I've taken the twisted,bumpy path will get there eventually, good to see you and great job on 7 days

[mama bear]

Another crazy bitch right here with you sister. Got tore up last night and was horrible to my husband......

[briseus]

Pauly - if you were ten days yesterday...then you're eleven today - just like ME!
It's true...that so many people come and go....and the ones that keep coming back obviously really want to get away from the booze and live an AF life.
I was gone for a couple months...popping in and out but still drinking. But...I knew I needed to stop......so back I am...eleven days. Saturday night....so tricky.
I am sure you've heard this...(just going back to your post from yesterday) that no one can tell you if you're an alcoholic or not. There are some people that will drink a beer or two every night and literally think they don't have a problem. And they might not! Who are we to say that this particular person, or that particular person has a 'problem' with AL?? We don't.
I have been reading Rational Recovery....and it touched upon that subject too...which really made sense to me. I just know personally that I had a serious problem with it. But it doesn't have to be that way anymore. So...I simply stopped.
Some days are better than others. I am trying to keep positive.
There are cravings of course...an evil desire to get sloshed and pass out....I just can't do it. I really try and think back to how miserable I felt. Because I always end up feeling shitty...or too far outside myself. And then I went back to drinking earlier and earlier.........time to put my big girl panties on.
We can do this. Hoping you're well tonight.
Lizann - good on you for day 1...hopefully day 2 now??
Always sending big love to you Mama Bear. <3

~BRI~

[treetops]

Good to hear from you Bri.
You and Pauly can maybe help each other as you have tried so much before and now are about the same time since you quit. Getting over the first week is a biggie. That's great.
Sorry to hear you drank MB but you know the drill. Thanks for being upfront about this. We all learn and get help by sharing.

[paulywogg]

Hi Bri!always good to hear from you I think I was just thinking about what makes someone an alcoholic cuz I had just left AA and was saying"alcoholic" out loud, I dunno what is truly meant by that, my biological sperm donor drank vodka everyday non stop and died from cirrhosis, my wonderful step-dad drinks but I've only seen him drunk maybe two times in my whole life, he also has liver problems now,I told him to stop and he says it's the only thing keeping him sane,sounds like he's got a problem to me,who knows, mom drinks a lot and she's healthy as a horse(maybe a little crazy though haha) just wondering out loud on here,yes day 11 woo-hoo! I understand you saying you get outside yourself, I'm in a complete different state of mind when drinking,I scare myself let's just stick it out,I'm so over it

[paulywogg]

X-post TT hi,miss you on the daily thread

[Lizann]

Yes Bri, day two for me.