who am i?

[paulywogg]

Thanks everyone for the input,and yes Roxane,I don't think its OK to relapse, I know my brain will never heal correctly if this keeps going on,I just keep wondering what I'm doing/not doing that leads me to this? Its certainly not the taste,bleh,I tend to lose count of days after day 10,no need to countdown to something that I want for life, anyways I was having a rough day a couple of weeks ago,anxiety, thoughts,so I counted and it was day 34,for some reason that day always feels like day 4,just a shitty,detoxy feeling, OK so I told myself, this will pass and it did,so another week passed and here it was again but persistent, think it was me slacking on some supps I take,was having headaches and wanted to be free of everything except vitamins, I dunno,got to figure out how to cope with the discomfort between 40 and 60 days,was sleeping really good so kinda slacked on exercise during that time too

[paulywogg]

So out of the past 181 days of the start of the year I have 155 sober,so I'm getting somewhere at least,not where I want to be at all but you gotta think of my past,I started 10 years ago,the first two were pretty controlled here and there drinking,then after that came daily drinking ALL day,maybe not balls out every day but definitely more than normal people, my thought was always"who'd be stupid enough to deal with a hangover when you can feel better in a pinch" and that was my twisted thinking for 5 1/2 years,then I found MWO and am slowly getting something together, hot and humid today,weather says chance of rain but I don't see one cloud

[abcowboy]

85% Pauly! Not that far off a hundred, you can do it!

[narilly]

Pauly, I agree with Cowboy, you can do it!

[paulywogg]

I know Cowboy, I'll get,I'll get! Wanted to add that the first two relapses were 9 days each,the third 4 days this last one a day and a half,thinking about my heavy drinking days and how I didn't think it was bad at the time,sheesh,I could work cuz my coworker at the time was as bad as me,wed hit up the little bar down from the shop at 7 am and take breaks throughout the day to get refilled, bring some in the shop,get off work meet up down there and gamble for a bit,come home nap,get up and start drinking again, for 5 years straight!blows my mind

[paulywogg]

X-post hi Nar

[mama bear]

I am here for you Pauly and I think you are a rock star!

[paulywogg]

Thanks Mama

[Rusty]

I'm here for you, too, Pauly!

[paulywogg]

Thanks Rusty was thinking of last Friday trying to figure out the whats, whys, and remembered that I had skipped breakfast trying to make up for the ice cream and chips I ate the night before, duh! I know how I get when I don't eat regularly, maybe that was part of it so a reminder to myself, Don't skip meals!

[Guitarista]

I am here for you Pauly and I think you are a rock star!

I'm here for you, too, Pauly!

Add me to this list. :dancin:

[paulywogg]

Not sure if I want to post on this thread or let it fall to the bottom of the MWO ocean floor,I hate the whiny person who started this thread,I hate that its been so long that I've been here and while I've made process,I just want it over with, I'm tired of "alcohol abuse" written all over my medical chart,I never should have been honest with them,they just see another addict,not the human being that Isort of am,eembarrassing with a capital E,plus was looking at life insurance and they ask if I've ever been treated for addiction, can't lie about it, sheesh,plus if something ever happened to Louie's parents, would a court allow an alcoholic to raise him,I doubt it, dunno why I'm thinking about this stuff,probably cuz I went to the docs the other day and she won't refill my antabuse unless I see the addiction counselor so she has proof that I'm getting help,which I do understand cuz antabuse is no joke! I'm just reluctant to see him again, I hate going up there as it is,to go weekly is just annoying, and to talk about what?my shitty childhood, who gives a rats ass,I've put that behind me, finding out WHY I drink,well why does anyone drink?some of us just can't tolerate it, others can,but all in all I think most of us drank to feel good, and it worked...for a bit,then it didn't, Mick said not to waste time on thinking about not drinking that way when drinkin thoughts do come,we have brain power left to fight them better,or something like that,so I'mttrying that approach, also not being so goddam negative, not just about al but everything in my life,day 20 but in Mr.G's words,who's counting

[Byrdlady]

Not sure if I want to post on this thread or let it fall to the bottom of the MWO ocean floor,I hate the whiny person who started this thread,I hate that its been so long that I've been here and while I've made process,I just want it over with, I'm tired of "alcohol abuse" written all over my medical chart,I never should have been honest with them,they just see another addict,not the human being that Isort of am,eembarrassing with a capital E,plus was looking at life insurance and they ask if I've ever been treated for addiction, can't lie about it, sheesh,plus if something ever happened to Louie's parents, would a court allow an alcoholic to raise him,I doubt it, dunno why I'm thinking about this stuff,probably cuz I went to the docs the other day and she won't refill my antabuse unless I see the addiction counselor so she has proof that I'm getting help,which I do understand cuz antabuse is no joke!

Pauly,
You went to your doctor to get help for alcohol abuse and she prescribed it. If you look at things from HER perspective, she is in the business of making people better, and you are still in active addiction. I have read your thread and you have admitted to being an alcoholic, so as you know, any AL for us sends us back into the pit. There is something you can do about it.
In reading your posts this week, maybe you have hit the point where drinking is harder than not drinking. Why not use this as a place to slam the door on it once and for all? As long as you are sober, you can hold your head up HIGH and say, I am in recovery! I have been sober since June 28, 2015!!! As long as you are sober, you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about! You are doing it, take it a day at a time, lean on us! Do not let anything or any body get in the way of your quit! This time, it's for keeps. AL has taken it's last day from your precious life! March forward proudly with your head high! Do whatever it takes to keep AL out of your life, you will not regret it! Hang tough! B

[paulywogg]

Actually its June 28 Byrdie,every day counts haha

[Byrdlady]

Yes, it sure does, Pauly, I will go fix right now! Hugs, B