who am i?

[paulywogg]

Well I'm here on day 3,sad its another day 3 but glad I was able to get here, just sorting through all of this, I think one of my stumbling blocks is guilt, when I'm sober for a bit,I start thinking about the past and all of my missed moments, stupid things I've done and it brings me down, makes me feel like a failure, especially cuz I keep going back to the source that caused my guilt in the first damn place! I can't drink anymore, physically my body can't tolerate it, dunno what happened but I think of it as a blessing, before when I would relapse, it would be at least kind of fun,if even for a little bit, now its almost immediate throwing up, bad acid reflux, no buzz,instant depression and irritability,etc,will work on getting the mind to remember that, I'm not sure where I belong on these boards anymore, can't encourage newbies cuz I don't have any significant time under my belt,feel weird on the abs threads cuz I feel like an imposter with no significant time under my belt,and while I have done slightly better this year,I'm still always in the early days,never giving enough time for the healing process to happen, I just dunno what to do,we have a customer who's 3 years sober and he works with addicts in some program, not sure if its AA or not,but he said they just had a graduation, a big celebration where the mayor even shows up and out of 65 of the group that started, 1 graduated,that's not very good, but he said he was happy that at least there was one personsaved,I guess that's a good way of looking at it,I'm just sick of sounding like a broken record, I don't care what anyone thinks of me,but I care about what I think, and I think its time to put an end to it,there's still enough time in 2015 to have a good streak,I really want this year cuz 2005 is when I started and I feel its symbolic in a way.

[NoraC]

Pauly - your post really hit home with me. I think that sounds so much like me. I also start thinking about the past and the guilt overwhelms me. Then, I drink and pile on more guilt!

I do know that I really look forward to your posts because they are so honest and they help me so much. I am grateful that you are here and that we are on this journey together.

Let's make the rest of 2015 our best yet! :hug:

[blue1]

Pauly - your post really hit home with me. I think that sounds so much like me. I also start thinking about the past and the guilt overwhelms me. Then, I drink and pile on more guilt!

I do know that I really look forward to your posts because they are so honest and they help me so much. I am grateful that you are here and that we are on this journey together.

Let's make the rest of 2015 our best yet! :hug:

GO LADIES!!!! I only have two days for the week...I'm trying to only drink on the weekends. But 2 is better than none!

Please keep posting Pauly!😘

[abcowboy]

Pauly, I posted this in the Nest, but the truth be told, I was thinking of you and the Quitters as I was reading and writing. There is some great advice contained in the words....


Howdy everyone! Won’t go into how my Saturday went, it was brutal, to me anyway. One of the few times “I wish” came to mind more than once! But I did as my counsellor suggested, stepped out of myself, looked at me, and then shook off what I was feeling! Then I went to Dairy Queen for the biggest Crispy Crunch Blizzard they sell! Better than Budweiser eh! So now here we are, Bubba, Hank, and myself, out at the farm in our 32’ camper while it pours rain outside, good time to catch up on some reading!

I was reading online about an outfit called The Recovery Place in Fort Lauderdale, and as a public service, they recently compiled a list of misconceptions about alcoholism and addiction, along with some thoughtful responses from a panel of seasoned experts. I picked out three of the more prevalent clichés, while adding a bit of well-earned wisdom of my own. "Most people live in a myth and grow violently angry if anyone dares to tell them the truth about themselves,” the Recovery Place waxed poetically as a prelude to its piece. Nice! Try using that on your alkie aunt if she gives you any guff about packing her bags for Betty Ford.

Myth #1: If you can't control your cravings you're just selfish and weak. If you exhibited just the slightest bit of willpower you could easily beat this thing. Sounds pretty reasonable, doesn't it? We'd all like to believe that we have control over our actions. But the truth is, most of our behavior in life is guided by factors beyond our control, which is why I think this well-worn maxim is one of the most destructive myths around. Think about it. Do you really enjoy waking up in a suburban Comfort Inn next to a married housewife who bears more than a remote resemblance to the handyman at work? Do you love waking up in a pool of your own vomit? Do you find it fun to black out six hours of your life every weekend? As The Recovery Place notes: “No one would destroy their lives by a choice not influenced by some sort of psychological or physiological problem.” Addiction is caused by a complex set of genetic and psychological issues that nobody understands. All we know, really, is that addiction to anything is probably rooted in complex genetics. Also, it really sucks. And when cravings have actively got you in their grip, simple willpower usually doesn't stand a chance.

Myth #2: Hitting rock bottom is the only way to achieve successful recovery. BS, our experts retort. It's true that some people need to hit rock bottom before they can be convinced to turn their lives around. But just as often, families intervene successfully, and convince their loved ones to trundle off to treatment with barely a whimper. But for most of us, the realization that we have a problem is a cumbersome and gradual process. No one wants to think of themselves as addicts or alcoholics. It's all so tawdry and gauche. But then there comes that day, after a 72-or 84-hour binge, when you finally wake up and realize that if you don't get help, you'll end up permanently losing your family, your job, and inevitably your life. That's when you may start to get your priorities straight, realize how little time you have left in this world; think about your anguished spouse, your angry boyfriend or your incredibly cute three-your-old nephew and decide how you'd like to spend the moments you have left.

Myth #3: If you relapse and drink again, you give up all the gains you've made since you became sober and have to start all over again. BS again! You're sure to risk many things in the course of your life—your hair, your credit rating, your dignity, and quite possibly your liver—but the one thing no one can steal take away from you is your experience. Nobody ever said that quitting drinking would be easy. But even if you suffer a few slips along the way, you never have to go back to square one, because you've already been there. Even a short stint of sobriety can provide you with a positive base on which you can build a new foundation, as well as friendships and a support group that you can rely on. Your past successes (and defeats) will provide you with a base of knowledge that can help you avoid future mistakes, and take you further along than you ever were before.

We live in a world full of limitless possibilities. Giving up is the only thing that can keep you down, so never ever give up on your quit!

[treetops]

Pauly, I know I dont post so much but just saying that I know you will get there. 2015 as you say aint over yet and you are still a young chicken. Dont beat yourself up on the 'what ifs' and the past. Live in the present and look to the future. You do have a lot of problems to deal with and the worries from your family. I wish you could find more that gave you happiness - I see the wee glimmers in many of your posts. You seem to really like little children - and thats wonderful. Not everyone can be bothered or cares about little ones. Thats something I have really appreciated about you.
A new week is on its way and while it won't always be wondrous (I am a cynical old bag!!) or easy-going, I hope you get some pleasure and contentment. You want to be sober, you have decided to be sober and we want to support you in achieving this and keeping that way.

[paulywogg]

Aww TT,I'm a cynical old bag too,been trying to work on seeing the world in a more positive light but sometimes its HARD,Cowboy, love the post,thanks for sharing, day 5 here and feel ok,very tired and I think the family is coming down with a summer cold,we're all sort of snotty and tired,probably just have an easy Sunday relaxing around the house,must make a quick dash to the store for some groceries but other than that, just stay in.

[blue1]

Aww TT,I'm a cynical old bag too,been trying to work on seeing the world in a more positive light but sometimes its HARD,Cowboy, love the post,thanks for sharing, day 5 here and feel ok,very tired and I think the family is coming down with a summer cold,we're all sort of snotty and tired,probably just have an easy Sunday relaxing around the house,must make a quick dash to the store for some groceries but other than that, just stay in.

Hey...Pauly!

Congratulations on day 5!!!!😀😀😀
Hope you and your family feel better!

[paulywogg]

Wonder why I hate Monday mornings so much? Probably cuz the weekend is relaxed and now I have to jump back into my routine, by the time I get used to working,its time for another day off haha,tried to take a walk this morning but everything was pissing me off,the wind,traffic noise,etc,managed 20 minutes then came home,its ok,I'll try and make it up during the day,feels like I'm talking to myself here,but that's ok for now,I always felt like my posts were skimmed on other threads and that bothered me, dunno why,anyways, the cats are doing good but they shit a lot!never realized how much,I think that's the most work of having them,Bradys baby snake got out of its cage on Saturday, been trying to look for it since then,hopefully Winslow didn't get ahold of it,feel sad for Brady,he just barely got it a few weeks ago Monday here I come!

[blue1]

Wonder why I hate Monday mornings so much? Probably cuz the weekend is relaxed and now I have to jump back into my routine, by the time I get used to working,its time for another day off haha,tried to take a walk this morning but everything was pissing me off,the wind,traffic noise,etc,managed 20 minutes then came home,its ok,I'll try and make it up during the day,feels like I'm talking to myself here,but that's ok for now,I always felt like my posts were skimmed on other threads and that bothered me, dunno why,anyways, the cats are doing good but they shit a lot!never realized how much,I think that's the most work of having them,Bradys baby snake got out of its cage on Saturday, been trying to look for it since then,hopefully Winslow didn't get ahold of it,feel sad for Brady,he just barely got it a few weeks ago Monday here I come!

I'm here Pauly....praying for a great Monday for you!!!😇

[dill]

Hi Pauly, A few days back, 7/24/15, you wrote you are not sure where you really belong on these threads. IMO you belong everywhere and anywhere you decide to join in. You are in it to win it and as long as you are trying you belong here. There were times in the past when I quit posting altogether because I felt like you are now. But I returned because I needed the comradery. I needed to be with people I could relate to who had a goal that I share. It keeps my head in the game. So here I am.

Your posts have helped me and countless others. If you weren't here it would be a loss. Honestly. Thank you.

[IamMary]

Hi Pauly. Im new on these boards, but not new to the stop start cycle of moderating/giving up the grog.
Im on day 10. Feeling a bit smug – but thats a dangerous feeling for me. I just read your post from last week and I promise you it was a jolt to the head as reminder of where I’ll be if I pick up that glass again. Doing my best, but I don't feel very happy clappy all the time - thanks for your honesty.

Dill – great tag line. I'll engrave it into my head.

[paulywogg]

Hi Mary,yes it is dumb how i keep forgetting how drinkin REALLY makes me feel,its no different anytime, sometimes I think I'll just have a few Hahahaha!!! There IS no few,I just need to remember that alcohol doesn't work for me anymore, tired of going through withdrawal again and again, its just the same nonsense repeated.

[Byrdlady]

Pauly, what can we do to help keep you off the ledge? Last time you were here talking about it and try as we might, it seemed as tho we were making it worse...at the time I felt so helpless. Can you think of anything that we might have done to have been successful in talking you out of having that first drink? We'll try anything if it will help! Hugs to you, B

[paulywogg]

Byrdie,I wish I knew,that's what is making it harder for me,I wish I had a way to stop it in its tracks,I mean I do most of the time,but I guess I get worn down or something, I get tired of fighting the urge,my daughter really tries to talk me out of it but I just get irritated by her,I get snappy,shakey, mindless for a drink,its hard to describe but it feels weird,I'm really working on a new plan,I've got to beat this or I guarantee it will be the thing I die from,its gotten to that point.

[blue1]

Pauly- hang in there!

I'm trying to make this one of my AF days for the week. I should be good cause there's no AL in the house today. Unless hubby brings beers home when he gets off from work.

I'm nursing this hangover....which I haven't had for a...long....time. I was drinking homemade sangria. I don't usually drink that.

You would think having a hangover AL wouldn't even be in my thoughts....but that's why we're here right?

Have a successful day guys!