who am i?

[Spiritfree]

Spirit,thank you for sharing your story,I sometimes feel like this thread is sort of a negative one,but its my life that I've written about, my kids mean everything to me,the oldest freaks me out daily if I let myself think of it too much,she takes off for weeks living in a weekly motel room with a bunch of druggies, I'm worried about getting a bad phone call one day,middle daughter seems to have an al and weed prob,when I walked in on the youngest daughter I was very let down, I'd never had believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself, I got pissed off cuz I'm trying to live a clean life and it feels like nobody in my family gives a rats ass! After drinking,I realized that I can't change anybody no matter how much I preach,beg,pray but I can change my life by not acting like an idiot and I don't want alcohol in my life making things further fucked up,I apologized to my youngest before she flew back to Portland, I can't stay angry at her,won't solve a thing,I only want peace in all aspects of my life

Hi ya Polly -just read your post and wanted to throw some thoughts back to US:

• Children -your children, my children: I think that I worry-remorse my self damn near to death because I remember surviving some really terrible and tragic times relative to alcohol. There remains in my memory at least 9 separate occasions that I should have died as a result of my Alcohol Abuse Disorder (AUD), but somehow I did not. I sometimes worry that my kid(s) will not get that same opportunity and it also scares the hell out of me to think that this one particular son would end up in prison. I also keep at the forefront of my mind that I just want them to be happy, enjoy life, and live free of the chains of addiction.

• Children -my other two sons drink, but no where near the quantity and frequency that I did when I was there age. It almost pisses me off that they seem to be able to absolutely control their intake, but what they MUST understand is the fact that my side of my family is genetically "eat-up" with alcoholism. Genetics is a much bigger factor than was ever known before -the genetic link is REAL and it can cause early death.

• Others not giving a rats ass: Pauly, I truly consider myself one lucky human; my wife, three sons, and mom all stood by me and all helped to better understand that I deserved to live a happy, chain free, life. It has taken years for me to believe and understand this fact because I was raised in an environment that ingrained in my brain that I literally had to earn the right to be happy. As far as others go Pauly, regardless of who they are -family or otherwise, I reluctantly but seriously had to move beyond them and their 'feelings' and 'actions' and come to an understanding that it was my life on the line and I had to put me at the very top of the list of "IMPORTANCE". MOST people are only thinking about and for themselves, and this is neither good nor bad -it just is this way.

• Mothers: Pauly, it took me a long time to understand the fact that there is a very distinct and natural bond between a mother and her children that does not exist on the 'dad' side. Think god I finally wised up to the fact -or I would have continued to be miserable. In saying this, I can not imagine the true-deep heartfelt pain that you must be experiencing as a result of your children's drug use and potential abuse.

Pauly, of things that you mentioned in your post, you said that you apologized to your daughter. Your reasons for doing so are NOT important. The fact that allowed yourself have the courage and share the gift of compassion with your daughter makes you a hero -in my book. Your daughters will always love you -no matter how bad you screw up or think that you screw up.

• Pauly, yes it is true that your thread can sometimes be a little less than 'cheerful' (I hate that f-ing word), but Pauly this is life and this is real, and you know deep down that if do not get some real help soon, it is not going to matter anyway. My final thoughts; the weeks and days before I attended my baclofen sanctuary were that I simply did not want to die with alcohol in my system -I wanted to experience death sober minded and I did not my sons and wife to believe that I died with alcohol in my system.

Your thread helps other people remember the hell that they were in (or still in) – but your thread also shows your persistence in continually asking/seeking help and NOT giving up.

Again, thank you for your post -you have certainly helped me.
--sf--

[paulywogg]

Orf the wagon yet again anxiety through the roof for the past week, not really sure why,nothing on my mind,no worries, but panicky I tried to talk myself down, stupid beer works in a pinch....until it wears off,then its quadruple fold,so I drank again, I dunno how much more my poor body can take

[treetops]

Pauly - hells teeth its a cycle that you say you want to break. There are going to have be other ways of dealing with the mega-anxiety and I know you have put this out there many times. I know how full of self-loathing you get, if you drink -and then the only answer seems to be to drink.
No magic bullets from me I'm afraid but I care about you. Have you stopped drinking? Are you getting some rest and recovery?
This is about you sweetie - and your life. Don't compare yourself to others and don't hate yourself. Do what you can to get back into the routine of not drinking - because you sure sound much happier then.
My only suggestion is to reconsider face-to-face counseling or therapy. I know this didn't work last time - but are there alternatives you can try?
Hugs and dont ever give up on yourself.

[paulywogg]

I'll NEVER give up TT,I am so much happier sober,I just don't know what is causing the anxiety, it hit me out of the blue,I have anxiety pills but they didn't work, tried to nap,couldn't doze off just a crippling anxiety in the pit of my stomach and heart racing,Jesus,what am I doing wrong? There has got to be something I'm doing or not doing maybe I'm over vitamaning it? I just don't know anymore, I'm trying to be healthy, happy,in control. But fuck,gonna make an appointment with the doctor, maybe I'm depressed and don't realize it, grrr,so scared of antidepressants,I gained 50 lbs on Zoloft in 3 months, I know there is others but that one made me bananas! Just a titch freaked out atm

[Guitarista]

Speaking of bananas Pauly. They are not just a good source of fibre, but a 'good mood' food. Same with potatoes, which are rich in Vit. C but also said to be a natural anti depressant. Like running. Anyway, here's a piece from a UK tabloid but the info looks kosher to me and you might find it interesting or maybe a few reminders of what you know already. Take care friend and keep up the gr8 attitude.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/health/eat-yourself-happy-food-improve-6481185

[fennel]

Pauly, I have suffered with panic attacks, anxiety and depression off and on for most of my adult life. I know that you are frightened of antidepressants, but I have found that SSRI drugs are very helpful with the anxiety/depression "one-two" punch. Please give it a try for a couple of months.

I know the allergies really get you down, too. Do you take any meds for your allergies? Do you do the nasal rinse/neti pot thing at all? Both of those things have been life savers for me with my increasing seasonal allergies.

I hope you will call your doctor.

:hug:

[NoraC]

Pauly - hang in there. You have been on my mind all day. Sending you positive energy. :hug:

[Samstone]

Hey Pauly
heard you were MIA over the daily Abs fred. I come looking for you, see that you're here. Hope you're doing better. Thinking of you!!
Sam

[treetops]

Pauly good advice here about the antidepressants. They take a while to kick in and it can be a roller coaster to get the right fit but I have seen them work wonders with people who are ultra anxious and/or depressed. And it doesn't have to be permanent. I took them at one at stage but now I don't need them. But I would reconsider if it got really messy in the future. Even after some years of sobriety I get anxious, emotional and very sad. It's to be human is all, but sometimes it's crippling and we need help.

[Lavande]

Pauly,

Crippling anxiety & unrelieved depression is what got me into the crazy drinking to begin with years ago. At the age of 40 something I was so overwhelmed with 'life' I couldn't cope anymore. It took a while, trying out many different things but I finally did find my way out & I know you will as well!

Talk to your doc about something like Lexapro which handles both the anxiety & depression. You don't have to stay on it forever. It helped me out while I needed help the most then I switched over to herbals.

Take care of yourself :hug:

Lav

[paulywogg]

I'm still scared of ad's,especially these newer ones cuz I've read they're a bitch to come off of,at least with the Zoloft I tapered it in 2 days,been years ago I think 7 or something, day 3 for me yes again and I know that some people think I just make excuses cuz I want to get fucked up...all I can say is that's a big fat NO,when I first quit that was true. I did still want to drink, was thinking that maybe if I had been more serious about quitting back then,I wouldn't have laid the ground work for these stupid relapses,I think I've tricked my brain into thinking that everytime things get tough,Ineed a drink to fix it,now that I'm serious about quitting, its harder cuz of my past relapses,back when it was still fun and I called them"slips" whatevs,one more thing to work on I guess,I feel like Kellie doesn't trust me anymore, hell why should she? I'm tired of looking at the calendar wondering if I'm gonna relapse on such and such day,I've made it through hard stuff,situations, holidays etc.just need to find a way to get through emotions I guess

[Byrdlady]

Pauly, AD's ARE a bitch to come off of!!

This is a very touchy subject around here, but I think it's important to remember that we are AL addicts and when we don't get our fix, we get anxious. Anxiety is part of the initial process, it is to be expected. No one that I know of quit without having anxiety, but it does pass. I reckon that is why Ativan is prescribed when folks go into a medical rehab, to help reduce that anxiety. So maybe some of the anxiety can be reduced by KNOWING that you will have some and that it will pass with time.
Unless you are willing to have a medical rehab?
I KNOW you can do this. Take the option of AL off the table for good. Now is the time to get this monkey off your back. Lean on us for help and you will get it. Believe in yourself....I believe in you! Byrdie

[ToMyHealth]

Pauly, I so agree with Byrdlady. Took Paxil and said never again & told psychiatrist that stuff is evil! The brain zaps were terrible while weaning off that drug.

Highly recommend Seredyn. BioNeurix is the website. This is their claim, and I find to be true. "Clinical studies show the ingredients in Seredyn promote relaxation and reduce stress, nervous tension and irritability." Absolutely no interest in company or product. I take on a "as needed" basis. Example: road trip with dh driving. I am a terrible back seat driver; one capsule calms me.

Would like to see you feeling better, Pauly.

[paulywogg]

TMH,I have Seredyn but it seemed to make me more anxious, I seem to have a paradoxical reaction to calmer downers for some reason, was the same while taking Amoryn, I wanted to crawl out of my skin,was taking a OTC similar to amoryn but without the rhodiola in it but darn it they took it of the market when I was on Zoloft,I was NUMB,didn't give a hoot about anything, gained the weight yet had diarrhea everyday,then came the racing heart and increased anxiety, so I started drinking, heavily, I kinda feel that it fed the fire in a way,I didn't drink very much until I took the Zoloft,Byrdie,thank you for the kind words I do,feel like some people absolutely need to be on ad's if they just can't cope, if there's a chemical imbalance, etc,but I just don't feel like dealing with the SE's,the not being sure what affect they'll have on me,I know that I can help myself through this with exercise, cleaning up my diet,quitting smoking, cutting back on caffeine,my excessive sugar munching,but sometimes those things are hard to do too

[paulywogg]

Another thing I need to add is,I always get hesitant to write when I'm craving,I don't want people to be like"yawn,here we go again!"however I realize that is the whole point of being here duh,I'd rather post that then yet another relapse.