who am i?

[Kradle123]

who am i?

Hi Pauly:

Absolutely Awesome job on 8 Days. :yougo:

You have some obstacles there in Sunny Vegas but you're leaping over them like an Olympian!!

You really are inspiring! :l

[Frequent Traveler]

who am i?

Congrats on day 8, it is a matter of one day at a time and it is what I have been doing since day 1.
I feel the demons and I come here and read, not always posting but reading.
You can do this..
FT

[NoraC]

who am i?

Pauly - way to go!!!!ops::crowned::cheering:woot:

[paulywogg]

who am i?

13 days out of hell,doing pretty good so far,did have a slight drinking thought yesterday after work,pissed me off because i worked to hard to quit after the last bender,i just drank tons of ice water it seems to help alot kinda shocks the system back to reality,one thing i always struggle with sober is how sick i am of cutting hair,i need to go to school for something else for sure but finding the motivation and time is another story.So its graduation time here and i see peoples cars with decorations on them,i keep wanting to cry because my daughters was in '10 and i was in the depth of drinking then,i chugged two tall boys in the backseat of my camaro before i went in to the ceremony,then proceeded to start an argument with her cuz i had met some of her friends and judged them as "losers" i ruined her special day by being a selfish drunk,and the sad part was i never thought i had a problem back then,i thought i was just hangin out having fun and i drank alot everyday,mostly all day duh,thats why now i gotta get this together for good,i cannot tolerate al like i used too,oh sure i can drink alot still but its not the same

[paulywogg]

who am i?

22 days out of hell,but shit im having thoughts,it started on thurs,kept on still here today,jesus staying sober is hard! instead of going away the thoughts are growing stronger,i feel it in my whole body,i cant control it

[3June2013]

who am i?

paulywogg you can do it. They are just thoughts, in your head, put other thoughts in there instead. Go out for a walk or go to a meeting (I've never been but I hear they can help). Do something totally different. Drink the ice water, or buy something special to drink (AF of course). Stay here and talk. We will help.

[A Better Me]

who am i?

You can control it Paulywogg, have you had something to eat? Gallons of ice water?
I'm sending you heaps of positive vibes hon, please make it through today...

[paulywogg]

who am i?

so that day i decided to drink,it was fathers day and i had a romantic thought of having a few with hubs and enjoying the day,well all the beer did was make me dizzy,nauseas,irritable and my heart raced,i think it coulve been a reaction to the 5 htp i had been taken nightly,i had been off it for 2 nites but i think it was still in my sytem and it was cock-blocking my buzz kinda the way kudzu does,you can drink but you cant get drunk,anyways it was a learning experience for me,im over it one day didnt turn into a bender as it usually would for me,tonite is EDC a huge 3 day rave my daughter is going to,its so huge they have it at the speedway 300,000 people last year and this year they expect more! im worried shes gonna be stupid,im scared actually,people have o'd in the past at this thing,hopefully security will be on everyone like glue,i just want her to have fun but be safe,going strong in my fight with booze,i read around the boards and see relapses,im tired of relapsing,ive been here almost a year and ive made tons of progress,but by next year i hope its straight progress,maybe even perfection

[paulywogg]

who am i?

so i guess im at 7 days af today,totally unfair cuz i wouldve been at 29 dumb-ass,anyways i read one of my old threads yesterday and it woke me up a little more,i was a negative person,i need to change my thinking and attitude,do things differently from now on

[paulywogg]

who am i?

alot of reflecting for me this week,went bsck to my tiny home town over last weekend,i wish i never would have left sometimes,everybody else still lives there and they make it just fine,actually most of them have nicer shit than i do! here ive been trying to build a life,find that perfect place to raise kids and guess what?my kids grew up while i was searching! my brothers grew up,my father in law died,my parents got older,fuck me. i hadnt been back home sober in 7 years,every trip was a huge 3 day blow-out,this time i stuck to my guns didnt drink,got a motel room and was in bed by 9, no 1 or 2 am drunk pass outs and im happy for that,sober i observed my dad hes quiet,plays halo,smokes alot,loves his jeep,has a mullet haircut thats nearly to his waist,hes my hero i never realized it growing up but i think he was different back then cuz of my crazy mom,i observed her too,shes funny,giving but greedy,loud,irritible,too much energy,drinks like a fish,62 and acts 19! ive decided im her when i drink and im dad when sober,i like being dad.this is just wriiten for my own purpose,i come to mwo more than i read the journals i keep,i need this so i can have it down

[paulywogg]

who am i?

so out of 60 days the past couple of months i only drank 3 times,but i allowed those 3 times and i think i broke 3 too many promises to myself,the end of july i didnt do to well,5 days in a row of drinking,i cant make any excuses to myself anymore,i need to grit my teeth and bear it! im sober again for 4 days now,and it is has been rougher,still feel dehydrated,still have a headache,feel pissed off and scared because i want august to be af,but when i look at the calendar august looks long! i need to visit this thread more often,and also get into the nn daily,quit smoking,cut back on coffee,be more consistent with supps,treasure my great days,retreat from the world the next time i get that"damn i need a drink"feeling,i made a thread about how peoples quit finally stuck a few months back,jeez whats gonna make mine finally stick?i dont want death,insanity or jail! someone posted a while back that its cruel to give your family a taste of a happy sober person,then take it away,truer words were never spoken.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

a letter to myself: hey,whenever you get that urge to drink think back! i know youve been falling,and before each fall you think it through,you take the can out of the fridge and look at it fo a bit,have a smoke,look at it,imagine feeling sick the next day,look at it,think of the day you had and think itd be nice just to get drunk,you dont want a couple to relax hell no! you want to get drunk,watch old videos on youtube,listen to "wonderwall"and cry,and text the girls and mom dumb shit all nite,ahh its the same crap EVERYTIME,you never think about the horrible thing that happened to you when you were 7,until you drink,why remember that!?! dont stop and buy emergency beer,if you do please come read this first! remember the dry eyes,sinuses,remember throwing up and peeing your pants?everytime,remember the weird sleep and your feet twitching?the headache that lasts for a week?eating junk food for a week to try and feel better?telling kell to get louie away from you cuz you cant look in his innocent eyes when you promised him when he was born you were gonna grow up?remember all the times you made l.b cry?the dissapointment on bradys face?you and michelle were rebuilding a relationship with iced coffees,do you want to give it up?you cant drink coffee after drinking,it makes you throw up and shake,dont be stupid! if not for the last bender you would have at least 100 extra bux this week,you spent 26 bux to have b.k delivered cuz you couldnt drive remember?dont be dumb,dont go back! love-you

[K9Lover]

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Hi Pauly,
I love your letter to yourself. That's exactly what I do when I think that my drinking "wasn't that bad". All the stupid SHIT I did, and I endangered myself and my daughter, I risked my job, my house, my whole life. All for what??? To sit alone and get drunk and fall into a miserable emotional state, wake up at 3am and be sick with anxiety...scramble to put together the night before and hope I didn't do anything TOO bad....
Thanks for the reminder of what alcohol really does. You are doing good...keep it up!
:h

[paulywogg]

who am i?

thanks k9, i also forgot to tell myself about how my throat was so dry i kept choking and gasping for air,drinking copious amounts of water to try to rehydrate myself,waking every hour to pee,not having a decent day off cuz i was too sick to do anything,the bruise on my calf i still dont remember getting(and its huge!) yeah sounds like alot of fun

[Kradle123]

who am i?

WOW Pauly! Incredibly powerful. Completely real and so many critical details...the names of the people we're going to affect, how we are going to affect them, affect us !:upset: DO you know that until I came here I had NO idea why I would be waking up so many mornings with painful, needle like stabs in my eyes??? Yes, it's that Dry Eye you wrote in your letter. I spent a bunch of money on special eye drops, salves, lubricants....F OH dear if I had only figured it out sooner. Dumb Dumb DUmb and just like you said.. No fun AT ALL.

:l

You're doing wonderfully well.:h