who am i?

[mama bear]

who am i?

great thread Pauly....and I love your letter...I have one tucked in a drawer that surprises me every now and then....

[paulywogg]

who am i?

since this is my journal i figure i better up date it,sept 4 gramma died at 2:30 pm,i stayed sober for a few days then stress hit me and i didnt care i drank on the 6th i listened to "blurred lines"on youtube to get happy,now im fuckin sick of that song! the next day was my b-day,i turned fuckin forty! you know how old and gross it sounds to me? i still cant wrap my head around it,especially since i started drinking at 32 i wasted my lovely 30's being an asshole! so on my b-day we were having a yard sale,bobby took my car title and went and got a 1000 dollar loan,i was fuckin livid! i know he was just trying to help with his moms funeral,but thats my car,i bought it! so i drank,we did presents i got hello kitty earrings,watches,some shirts yada yada,had pizza huts big dinner box,so later on im on computer yet again drunk,he tells me hes gonna go get my title back and drop kell and l.b off,dont wait up,i wake up the next morning at 4 a.m empty bed,go downstairs all the lights are still on,l.b asks did dad come home yet,i says what the fuck?go outside my cars gone!

[paulywogg]

who am i?

i just had to make sure that was gonna post,its long and if i lost it,i was just gonna write"my life sux"haha anyways its 4 a.m raining,me and l.b get in his truck(which ive never driven)couldnt find the wipers,so im driving squitintig through the windshield to kell's place to see if theyre up,they werent,so we went back home,i stopped along the way for smokes,a 3-pack,and a soda,i called my mom to see if maybe he showed up in our hometown,maybe he got sentimental about his parents who knows,nope,we call the closest hospital,nada,finally i call the cops duh,give her all the info,oh yes driver was pulled over cuz there was a drunk and disorderly female in the vehicle,driver was arrested for dui,wtf!?worst nite of my life by far,bobby isnt like that,but i guess he is?i still dont know who this fuckin bitch is,i grill him and he says,she was a chick at the gas station asking people for a ride,so he gave her one,haha i dont know about that,on one hand he is a goody-goody always helping people,but the story is weird,i just want it out of my head,i keep having dreams that hes a big fat cheater,my subconcious wont let it go,but i still love him,i love our family,maybe he acted crazy cuz his mom just died,maybe cuz hed been drinkin since noon, I DONT KNOW! i myself have layed off the sauce,toward the end the constant drinking was making me think ugly thoughts,like suicide and not really caring,feeling like my life was over anyways,fuck that! i looked at baby louie and the kids and realized,i have to take care of me and them,im gonna go to work make my money,come home clean,watch baby,cook delicious food,and stay sober above else,like byrdie says "dont drink AT people" besides why should i hurt myself with drinking just because he wants to act like a douche? ugh ill figure all this out,its gonna be hard but if i have to start over at fucking 40 i will,i guess.

[RunningCourage]

who am i?

Pauly, you got a bit of the Bukowski with your writing! I like it. :thumbs:

What a story though - what a night. And yeah Byrdie's words of to not drink at people is SO right. You're stronger than that. And you sound like you know what you want. They can all act like douches until the proverbial fecking comes home, but you got your head.

40? Still a spring chicken.

And more stories please.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

btw,(its my day off,too much time on my hands i guess) i gotta deal withis this funeral next week,its gonna knock my savings out! plus i gotta go to my hometown,all my alcoholic family will go,therefore an excuse for them to drink,go to the lake to spread some ashes,more reason to drink,fuck,fuck,and more fuck,i dont wanna go,i have to but i already made it sober up there back in july,i dont wanna deal again boo-hoo,ill just take my 5-htp,even one drink on that makes ya sick as a dog,i know ill be strong but theres always that little kernel of fear in the back of my mind,i also need to quit smoking,i smoked 3 packs when he was in jail,i also took a hit of weed which i never do,however it was kinda cool cuz it made me drink less,i held a tall-boy for an hour before i realized it was there,jeez,i really am airing my dirty laundry,oh well its my journal and my truth,and i really dont care who knows,anyways on the cigs,im realizing they make my anxiety worse,so they gotta go.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

x-post r.c,youve always been one of my faves here,im proud of you for doing so awesome! all i can say is you watch me,im gonna be one of the winners here,i may have had all these ups,downs,sideways but total sobriety is gonna happen,no more pissin off

[Sake123]

who am i?

Hi Pauly - I don't have a lot to add. Sounds like you've got some messed up stuff going on. But I love that you know what you can control out of the situation. Planning ahead seems to help a lot. Try to find a way to be around healthy people and protect yourself at each turn! I'm glad you're keeping a journal.

[Lizann]

who am i?

Pauly, I guess I'm still trying to figure this website out. Didnt know you had a thread and kind of stumbled on it. It's interesting to find out other people's stories. So sorry for your troubles. Are you stilli living with him? Is he continuing to be apologetic or iris he indifferent about what he did. I think that would help me shed some light on what really happened that night. I guess he was afraid to call you? I'm with Sake123 have a plan, you can control the situation.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

hi liz,hes playing the "i was too drunk to remember"card,stupid ass,yes were still together,ill see what happens after his court date in january,i cant pay my bills alone right now,but im gonna be stashing cash away,and yes he should be kissing my ass,but he's trying to block it out,whatevs ill deal

[treetops]

who am i?

Hi Pauly. You are sounding like the tough survivor I think you are and you will get through the ashes' scattering and your alkie family without caving in to AL. It really sounds like your life is changing in a way you want - that is without the horror of the booze. As RC said at 40 you are still a gorgeous spring chicken and you have years to spend with your kids and being AF will be such a gift.
But don't beat yourself up about the past- it's all still raw for you at the moment.
Stay strong sister!

[paulywogg]

who am i?

I'll see how far I can get without throwing this phone across the room, anyways went to ely to bury gamma.very sad day for me but dammit I did it sober! From now on it has to be if I got through all this sober there is really no reason or excuse to drink no blah day or p.m.s excuse, stress can be dealt with differently hell I'm doing it now, mom was being a bitch why can't she just relax with us? She stared drinking right after the funeral started getting mean so I left, ugh I don't get her but I guess I do, I just kept byrdies words"all you gotta do is get through this day"and "you survived the last hour , you can survive the next" damn it works if you repeat it in your head or alone in the bathroom out loud, plus I have my abbin friends cheering for me and for some reason it makes me believe in myself more, how can I let mice or .tt down? Of course let myself down done with that

[paulywogg]

who am i?

*mick, not mice Fuckin phone!

[treetops]

who am i?

I think mice is kinda cute!! Mick has new nickname now.:H:H
Ultimately its all for you babe - not for us - but if we can all help each other - so much the better.

[Lizann]

who am i?

Aww, Pauly you've got so much going on! You're really doing great! Hang in honey!

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Well balls! im on muthafuckin day 5 yet again after 40 days without a drop,not an urge,nada even with all my stress,even through a funeral,yet one friday afternoon i was busy all morning shopping,came home was watching t.v and just started fixating on getting drunk,it was weird so i drank ALOT,i think i have a hormone inbalance everytime its"monthly gift"i drink,but thats a lie cuz ive gotten through it before i remember when i first started all this i used to blame full moons,windy days,holidays etc for my binge drinking,no im just an asshole who looks for excuses to drink i guess,but why?i could have sat through a little discomfort for a few hours that friday and the next day wouldve been a whole new day,now im uncomfortable for 2 weeks,i forgot how fucking shitty day 4 is! i just wanted to be left alone yesterday,with my headache,nausea,and anxiety,weird cuz day 2 and 3 i felt fine,but i know by day 4 the als gone so it hits hard again,i went to bed at 7 pm and slept through,this is hard honestly i have so much on my mind its hard to think straight,now christmas is coming bleh! everytime i see a commercial my heart races,i dont have any money for that,and bobby goes to court rite after new years,thatll be more money,i just hafta find a way to shake it off my mind,the drinking didnt help just made me more anxious,lazy,tired,puffy,depressed,dry-eyed,irritable,waste money and fucked up my halloween!