who am i?

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Day 41,still feeling pretty strong i realized on the sunday i kinda quit(2 tall boys)that life had to go on differntly this time,i had to change my thinking and my living,i havent really done anything about my living part that i should be though,hobbies,interests etc,diet still sux i eat like a college frat boy,still pound sodas,and still smoke too many cigs,havent been excersizing at all,but the thought of drinking doesnt sound fun at all,maybe a twinge sometimes but to actually do it nah,bobby was drinking a beer last nite and i thought "how gross"it really never tasted good to me anyways,i just liked the feeling,cant get that feeling anymore anyways,in the new year i gotta clean up the diet,gonna go gluten free(aint doing that shit during the holiaays crap food is my only pleasure!)cut the soda a tad,do i dare say quit smoking?i think id be lying to myself,i loooove to smoke! need to exercise fo sho,it weird cuz im kinda feeling disconnected from mwo,i still read daily and i lovr my thread friends,maybe im a more active user than others,like i need it more than they do?i really dont know how to word what i feel,i used to greet newbies but jeez they come and go so fast! i dont know what my place here is,oh well its probly just a fleeting feeling anyways

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Aha,i kind of have the words for what im trying to say,i dont know my place here because,im not a newbie,i dont need daily asap care,im not sober long enough to give advice,i dont have any profound words of wisdom to give,i get tired of hearing of relapses,im tired of relapsing,i guess that just leaves me coming here to b.s with people i guess im just tired of al talk in general,even though its always there,always in the background,i dunno think i lost my words again haha

[satz123]

who am i?

paulywogg;1599040 wrote: Aha,i kind of have the words for what im trying to say,i dont know my place here because,im not a newbie,i dont need daily asap care,im not sober long enough to give advice,i dont have any profound words of wisdom to give,i get tired of hearing of relapses,im tired of relapsing,i guess that just leaves me coming here to b.s with people i guess im just tired of al talk in general,even though its always there,always in the background,i dunno think i lost my words again haha

Pauly - we all have experiences to share no matter what stage we are at in our journey.
So don't say you have no advice to give - you have - maybe even more than some if you've made more mistakes .....? Think about it !
Maybe we are not as eloquent as others in our posts - but we all add value.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

47 days af woo-hoo! longest in 8 years,shoot last nite we were talking about a concert we went to about 6 years ago and my son said he and my daughter went too,wtf?i dont remember them being there! seriously i wish i would have at least TRIED to control this junk back then,at least id have a few more memories so stupid and a complete waste of time,i hate posting my days cuz i read of people who rack up the days then are back here on day 1 it breaks my heart,the only thing that feels different this time is,drinking has started to make me sicker,mentally and physically Byrdie posted in the nest the other day of someone who thought they could just drink and have fun but by the end of the nite they were nearly suicidal,could be me,when i read it,it sounded so damn familiar! my drinking has gone from having fun to ending in a depressed,puking heap! it sort of pisses me off that i dont have that escape anymore,but i do know its for the best,if only i could shut down the al brain to get through these holidays,mom texted me the other day asked how i was told her "just waiting for christmas to hurry up and be over"she says her too she isnt doing much for it just cooking dinner and getting"buzzed out"crazy lady,glad i never go home for any holidays!

[paulywogg]

who am i?

So stupidly drank on day 48!, thought it would be o.k,maybe kinda fun well surprise surprise it was miserable,im miserable,who would CHOOSE to do this to themselves?i must have a screw loose ! too much money wasted on beer,went to the casino with Kell more money wasted,then she brought Louie over today im all hungover and just not feeling it,but he loves ME so much when i go upstairs or in the other room he follows me i picked him up and just cried,i love him and my family and life why the fuck mess it up?theyre going to a christmas light show at the speedway tonite,im too hungover to go,i hate myself,i shouldve just came home yesterday and took a nap,thoughts wouldve passed

[spuddleduck]

who am i?

thought they could just drink and have fun but by the end of the nite they were nearly suicidal,could be me,when i read it,it sounded so damn familiar! my drinking has gone from having fun to ending in a depressed,puking heap!

that is so familiar.
paulywogg, so sorry you feel crap and have broken your af stint. maybe you could look at it another way. wehey, you only drank once in 48 days.
you seem to have a 40 days stumbling thing, maybe it would be better if you didnt count days, i dont know its just a thought. it seems you were very aware you were coming up to 40 days, did this putting drinking thoughts in your head? maybe you could say i wont drink until 'whatever date' and then i wont drink till 'whatever..another date'. i dont know, just making suggestions.
hope you feel better soon and get back in the saddle

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Thanks spuddleduck,yes for some reason those day 40's trip me up for some odd reason,thought if i made it past 45 itd be smooth sailing,i think its just lady probs and the holidays that tripped me up,one things for sure,drinking has lost its fun

[paulywogg]

who am i?

That is so stupid cuz after that mess i drank yet again! this time i blamed "post holiday blues"and hubs looming court date,which i hafta deal with again in march,i just keep saying what the heck and i drink,why?to be so super strong one day and to just blow it all away the next,what a weirdo,its 2014 i joined here in 2012 ive had 2 years to get it under control,i am now on another sober run but my fear is on what date am i gonna lose control again?is it that mindset that keeps me relapsing?to be honest i feel blindsided when it happens,sort of mind not connected to my body if that makes any sense to anybody out there,oh piss,im tired of this mess on the day after day 1 i found two tall boys in my closet when i was getting ready for work,lie i didnt "find"tbem i stashed em for an emergency,well i openend both of them that morning and poured them down the toilet,couldve saved them for hubs but to me it was symbolic,god beer stinks anyways,i also feel like a hypocrite cuz when i see people relapse when im doing good i get such a holier than thou attitude,what a bitch! i thought that attitude was keeping me strong,but if i werent me and i was reading this thread id type"jeez,youve been here forever and you keep drinking,then whing about it,either grow up and stop,or just go live your alcoholic life"the only thing that keeps me going is i have seen chronic relapsers finally get it,i just hafta change my living,its not just staying away from booze,i need to build an actual life,how to do?dunno got to figure it out

[K9Lover]

who am i?

Hi dear Pauly :l

I relapsed on day 40 SO many times. I don't know what it was. But I do remember the last time I felt it coming on I glued myself into the Newbies Nest and Byrdie and Lav talked me through it. And the rest is history (so they say). Not saying it's been easy (by any means)....but it's doable. Can you find another way to "escape"? For me lately it has been Netflix on my iPad, in my comfy bed, with the lights out. That has become my happy place...and it doesn't cause a hangover! LOL Remember how you felt the last time you drank, you felt so bad you couldn't go look at lights with your family. Is a quick buzz really worth it? We both know it's not. I KNOW you are strong and will get through this. Turn to us next time you feel like caving...we can help :h

[paulywogg]

who am i?

I know K9, i tried coming here,it irritated me,my daughter tried talking me out of it,she irritated me its just a shitty attitude i get sometimes,gotta figure out something to do next time,no more drinking!

[treetops]

who am i?

Pauly - do try to build some alternative things to look forward to. Just simple things. Like K9 - I watch lots of DVDs now late at night, with the lights off. Its a treat after working hard (we don't get Netflix here but I have found alternative ways to build my viewing 'fix').

Maybe you shouldn't count the days - I don't know - but you seem to have this almost Greek tragedy type premonition that you will fail at 40. Many people who stop AL don't count - it doesn't work for them. I am a bit like that with dieting. I don't weigh myself - or count numbers - just try to eat healthily and go according to how my body feels.

Its good that your daughter is on your side. And that you poured your emergency AL out. Don't keep emergency beer. Many people keep rations of dry food, a medical kit, - but emergency AL? :H

Keep talking - both to people in your daily face -to-face- contact and on MWO too.

Hey - my hair do is great, but expensive this time - they have hiked the prices up.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Aww id love to see your hair TT

[treetops]

who am i?

No pics allowed.

[paulywogg]

who am i?

Bleh,i have no motivation to do anything,its a sucky feeling was sick all week last week and i think its lingering,or its allergies cuz its been warm who knows,Michelle says shes moving to fucking Washington in march,is she nuts?! going to live with some druggie looking guy ive never met,nothing i can do shes 23 if only she had a better head on her shoulders i wouldnt worry so much,plus its so far,plus shes never lived on her own,just putting it out of my head til it happens,im afraid ill drink in sadness when she goes,but then again im tired of dealing with her spice smoking and irresponsibility with money,its depressing either way,i wish my girls would make better decisions in life,who they take up with because really you are who your surrounded by,who you choose to be friends with oh well,someone posted on some thread that they feel like theyre not doing the things they like to do cuz theyre not drinking,i feel like that sometimes,i cant go gambling,icant go to concerts theres no fucking way right now,actually i dont think ill ever be able to do those things again,but its okay gamblings a waste of money anyways,i just need to findhings i like to do again i guess,problem is Bobby has gotten as lazy as me,our past 8 years have revolved arund drinking,being tethered to the house or wherever else theres booze,i cant remember what else i like to do,sad

[treetops]

who am i?

Sounds depressing Pauly and that you and Bobby are in a rut. I dont have magical answers as we are all different. My partner and I have been together 20 years and its not the same as it was even 10 years ago. In our case we used to drink together but then I became the booze champion and he backed off - and household dynamics shifted to my AL use. Now that I am sober its much calmer but its not showtime either - and I just have to make my own interests. In your case - as you have said before - you need to think what you might like to do that isn't AL- soaked, isn't too expensive and will also be fun OR absorb you with learning new tricks.

Taking a casual class/night-school (just for fun not to study) might sound stupid - but is there anything you would like to try - dance? circus skills? cooking? talking about old movies? is there some interesting group in the community? Maybe something to take you out of the family dynamics and away from things like gambling? You sound iike a social and caring lady - and I know you work bloody hard - but just getting out might help.

As for the daughter - thats a worry for sure - and you will miss her heaps if she goes. She will be back. But look after yourself and protect your quit. I dread my only child leaving within the next few years but she will and it will just be me and my partner.

Above all- staying AF - and not using booze to hide in - is the very best you can do for yourself and your happiness. Try not to worry so much. There is only so much you can control - and we all know what you can control today!