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[Lavande]

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Pauly, I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
Have you tried to get any counseling? You seem to have so many confusing & conflicting feelings going on at this point. Sometimes it helps to have some one to help you sort things out.

You mentioned that you wish your daughters would make better life decisions. Shouldn't you apply the same wish to yourself? If you'd take better care of yourself your daughters would surely notice. As parents we need to teach by example. Quitting drinking now, once & for all would be a perfect example of self-care & hopefully would motivate your daughters as well.

You have a choice - stay on your current path or take a leap into a better world not controlled by AL. You can do this, make a plan & we will support you :l

Wishing you the very best!
Lav

[Marylou123]

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Hey Pauly, I agree with Daisy and NS. Go easy on yourself and get some rest. Recognize that your alcohol voice was the victor tonight but that's it, not for ever. We're all here to love and support you and you've already proven you can do it!

[YoungAtHeart]

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Sorry to hear that you drank, Pauly. It's just another day 1. You don't fail until you stop trying, though. When you get past feeling bad about drinking, maybe You could consider what counseling as Lav said. Something seems to keep getting in the way of your staying the course when things get rough. Maybe you can figure it out. Meanwhile we are here for you. Here's to a better tomorrow. :l

[paulywogg]

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Thank you to everbody,well luckily a few beers in i realized i just wasnt into it,told hubs to hide,drink or give away the rest,i switched to water,ate some mac n cheese and we listened to tupac in the backyard around the fire pit,then i just went to bed early,i dont necassarily feel hungover,just sort of let down by myself,ive just been chronically congested all week,my ears feel full,ive been tired,i really dont know why drinking came to mind,just worn down i guess

[daisy45]

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Pauly, the other day when I had a wee thought of a drink, I went home and slept for 2 hours in the afternoon. Looking back I realise I was exhausted......we need to become aware of feelings or situations that make us more vulnerable.

[paulywogg]

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For sure Daisy,in hindsight i know i was just overly tired from the weeks events,in fact i had planned on taking saturday off to get some much needed sleep but couldnt cuz i knew my co-worker wouldnt be there and i needed to open,oh shoot i'll eventually learn i hope,Kell came over yesterday and she looked so dissapointed in me,asked why i was drinking,one time she told me her bf asks why she has to visit me everyday,she told him cuz she finally got her sober mom back and wanted to spend time with me,jeez just typing that is breaking my heart,get it together Paulette!!

[scottish lass]

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Hi Pauly, big hugs - one day we will make this work, we are moving in the right direction....see if you can add this to the learning events and take something from it - for some reason some of us are chosing to do this the hard way, and for sure it stinks. It is so hard to keep slipping, but at least you keep trying...

[treetops]

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Pauly -some valuable lessons from this.

1. You can stop drinking - this does not mean that you should try moderation :H (we know where that will go) but it means that you have control and you are making choices. Its not just you being swept away by all the pressure and circumstances. You asked your hubby to take the booze away. Good decision on your part.

2. You recognize that you were very tired, stressed and probably also hungry. So listen to those cues and try to rest - even if its just a lie-down in the afternoon. Also eat regularly.

3. You have enlisted the support of your hubby and thats really excellent. He is on your team - and it sounds like you still connected with him - without you going on a binge. You chilled out with him and listened to some music together. I know the support of my partner has been a bonus (not all easy sailing mind you). He has the occasional AL drink now - and it doesn't bother me.

4. You also have the love and support of your daughter - again, thats been so important for me in my recovery. I don't want to disappoint her. We know that sobriety should be all about us - but its great when you have respect from your children - and its also setting examples for them. They also need to know that we are human, we make bad choices, but we can move on from this in time. And I think its positive that they see that its not waving a magical wand - aha! - Mum is now a sparkling paragon of perfection - that its takes heaps of effort and that we Mums need help and love and nurturing too.

5. See you back on the daily ABs thread! Think about seeing a counsellor - it might be well worth it - as Lav and Yah suggest - there is so much going on in your life - and I too, think talking this out face-to-face, one-on-one might be the ticket.

[paulywogg]

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Oh shit,im off the wagon yet AGAIN,douche! i had a big huge post,but its just about how my creepy biological sperm-donor was weird with me,ugh,i never think of it anyways,may he RIH,you guys are/were drinkers,so you can understand where im coming from as i type this,sometimes drinking is fun,im sorry i aint gonna lie,its also a time,memory,money,health eating piece of shjte,but i had a great time with hubs and Louie last nite,in the garage we listened to music and Louie was dancing,it was fun! however,today i feel gross,hungover,get baby the heck away cuz his crying is in stereo form,full amps! but i do love him,my girls,and boy,my hubs,shoot i just felt young,carefree,pretty,pain-free,til today.

[treetops]

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yes Pauly I too had lots of fun with AL. I have some great photos of me over the years from when I was younger and I look great too. I was also pissed. But at some point the photos stopped because guess what? I was drinking alone, I was dependent on booze and those who knew me well didn't want to be with me like that. Your pain and self loathing from booze Is so evident from your posts. It's almost as if you give yourself permission to let go and then you expect the remorse, the punishment the next day.

As we have said - Pauly it would be really useful for you to see a therapist. There seems to be so much pain there and you need to get this out and move on. I am only suggesting this because I care. Meanwhile rest up and don't drink anymore. It doesn't have to be a rollercoaster. :h:h

[treetops]

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How's things Pauly? Are you feeling better and back into kicking the booze?

[paulywogg]

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Im back to kicking the booze,just taking a step back to understand what was working and what goes wrong,im dealing with hormonal issues that scares me,last month i had woman stuff for 5 days this month its been ten,i dont understand how if this is natural,it can make me feel so outta sorts,just not even me at all,jeez i cant drink away these feelings every month! im scared and pissed off,i dont think im just making excuses to drink,i certainly DONT want it or the aftereffects,shit,i gotta stop messing with different supps i think are gonna help cuz it seems to make me worse,another day in the journey

[YouKayBee]

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I don't know what sort of supplements you are taking but might be best to keep it simple, go back to basics. Many supplements also don't work, or aren't sold in effective doses.

[paulywogg]

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On valentines day,i woke up in a o.k mood,posted on the threads i like then tried a self hypnosis deal on youtube for depression,a creepy high pitched sound with some ladies annoying voice guiding me along some imagery,it was weird and didnt work cuz later in the day i was a crying heap,felt determined not to drink,but just couldnt stop crying! Brady asked "whats wrong mom"he never sees me act like that,i says just sad,hubs called i broke out in tears on him,i have a theory it was either a new nasal spray for allergies i tried,because the first day i used it i woke up a nervous mess,but i figured it was p.m.s so i used it again for two days,or it could be l-theanine?seems when i started that i feel great one day,off the next,5 htp poop out?im only really depressed around period time,but maybe i do need a real antideppresant,god,i hate to do that,they scare me,i dont judge anybody who needs them,i just dont wanna start then it makes me worse,then doc just wants to increase yada,yada,wanted to control this with diet and exercise but ive been a lazy shit with both! amazing how we can lay off drinking,but pick up EXACTLY where we left off,it astonishes me,theres no re-boot of tolerance,its all just the same old b.s

[treetops]

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Pauly - please see a dr and don't try to medicate yourself. I think you need professional advice. You have AL addiction/depression/PMS. Sometimes we need medication and I really am of the view that its best to at least get an opinion from a good GP - or a specialist. Many people take anti-depressants and they can make a world of difference - if the dose is correct and you have the right kind. Taking anti-depressants is not a life style thing.