who am i?

[paulywogg]

Thanks Spirit the counselor did tell me that delving into this addiction will be bringing back memories and emotions, he said "don't drink over it!" I said I won't and I won't

[mama bear]

Pauly - I am here to support you and your last few posts have been fascinating......I will keep following and wish you much love and strength on your journey...
Mama:love::love::love:

[paulywogg]

Well it does bring up emotions and I can't deal with it, I drank on day 31 fuckface! I sit here today sad,puffy, lonely, feel like someone else, not me,this is never going to end! I can try and be positive most times, but other times, shit it's HARD, I barely rememberlast nite, bits and pieces here and there, called someone to work for me last nite but actually felt like I could have gone this morning, I can't go to the addiction counselor anymore, I can't relive those memories anymore, he's a sweetie but keeps pushing AA,not that there's anything wrong with it,keeps pushing church, I believe in GOD but I've been exposed to too many churches in my life to have a clear understanding of where I need to be,ho hum,this broken record has gotten super old,I don't think I can fix it you guys, I'm ashamed of myself, I think I'm just a weirdo who will always be a drinker,I give up

[Ginger999]

Pauly, You can never give up! Becoming a non-drinker is your goal. You know you feel so much better when you don't drink. Let tomorrow be a new day and start again. In your heart you know that's what you want. Right? We are all here to help you through this.

[paulywogg]

Ginger, nobody can help if it's just too broken to be put back together F-it

[Ginger999]

So.... what does that mean exactly? F-it?

[paulywogg]

Text mummy, told her about my being a depressed alcoholic,she says "be a happy drunk" haha,gotta love family, Ginger, F-it means just that tired of dealing with this, off my mind

[Spiritfree]

Well it does bring up emotions and I can't deal with it, I drank on day 31 fuckface! I sit here today sad,puffy, lonely, feel like someone else, not me,this is never going to end! I can try and be positive most times, but other times, shit it's HARD, I barely rememberlast nite, bits and pieces here and there, called someone to work for me last nite but actually felt like I could have gone this morning, I can't go to the addiction counselor anymore, I can't relive those memories anymore, he's a sweetie but keeps pushing AA,not that there's anything wrong with it,keeps pushing church, I believe in GOD but I've been exposed to too many churches in my life to have a clear understanding of where I need to be,ho hum,this broken record has gotten super old,I don't think I can fix it you guys, I'm ashamed of myself, I think I'm just a weirdo who will always be a drinker,I give up

Pauly, I think the world of you. You are not a quitter.

Funny thing is -you sound just like I did when I was on my last leg -as per alcohol. Just damn -just damn the alcohol cycle. Even after 24 hours after having a binge -your brain can not allow you to think clearly (much less after just a few hours). There is no real way to communicate your real thoughts/ideas/etc. after having drank your arse off.

Pauly, you are not a weirdo, you are not a broken record, and in fact, you are not even you right now. You are a run of the mill, die in the wool, ALCOHOLIC (AUD sufferer). You certainly have every right to feel ashamed-embarrassed, etc. -but that does mean that it right to feel that way. Your brain needs you to feel ashamed, etc. in order to convince you to go drink more -this happens to all of us. YOU sound like I did two years ago; you know deep down inside that you don't want to live like this but you don't know any way to get out. I further imagine that something inside you says that this is all BS and you want to live free of the Firewater.

Pauly, when I went down for the count, I started researching my arse off. I knew for a fact that I had a brain disorder and that talk therapy was not going to cure it. I knew that there had to be some form of some type of medication that help me transform. Fortunately, I found Baclofen and that was/has been my way out. I am sure that there are other medications that can help as well, but I knew that there had to be something other than just talk, etc. to help transform me. I wanted to give up; I was just not ready to do so -and neither are you.

Pauly -it is just so easy to give up and say f-it. Don't let Firewater win. So what, if you drank today to help cover and mask the hurt -what the hell, no big deal. If you are safe with yourself right now, you have got tomorrow. Tomorrow, start researching meds for alcoholism. Start researching meditation, yoga, nutrition, etc. Of all things, and you already know this, go ask for and get some real -face to face- real help. Take some small action in the morning that is totally different from your normal routine and just do it -don't negotiate with yourself-just take a small step and change something. Please.

SF

Ps: Pauly, you can never know who you are -sorry. But one thing is absolutely certain: you can never have the chance to know who you are or want to be while you are under the influence of chemicals; the chemicals dictate who are.

[Lizann]

AMEN, spirit free!!! Hang in there Pauly. I've really gotten to like you and I think we are a lot alike. A set back, yes. Pick yourself up and keeping going honey! Maybe the addiction counselor should know that delving into the past isn't helping you. Why do we have to go back to fix ourselves going forward?

[abcowboy]

Who are you? You are Paulette, aka paulywogg, a cherished member of MWO! Loved by all who know you, trying to recover from the worst days of your life, just like all of us! I look forward to your posts each and every day, so you had another slip, start over like we all did. You got to 30 days, let's aim for 31! Don't worry about anymore than today, then tomorrow, one day at a time... :hug:

[paulywogg]

Day 4,again, what can I say?I'm glad that I even have this 4 days,I'm feeling sort of a disconnect from being here anymore I don't seem like I'm serious to the other members, if I were an outsider reading this, I'd feel like this person is nuts!wants to keep drinking, doesn't put enough effort and time into sobriety, yada,yada,I remember on my last visit with the addiction counselor, I sort of sat there with a detached mind, thinking about what I should have for dinner and just sort of glancing out the window, looking at the sticker on the filing cabinet, totally arrogant and self centered on the inside, while on the outside nodding my head and saying all the right things, who the bloody knows what will crack my hard shell I've put up,I watch documentaries on alcoholism and cry,while at the same time think it looks kinda fun at the same time,wtf?maybe I'll give AA another try,maybe I won't, will more than likely see the addiction dude again, keep throwing shit at it maybe something will stick, will post here to keep myself posted, see if I make any progress

[Dottie Belle]

Miss u pauly.....come back and visit us...

[available]

I think Pauly we have to get to a place in our head and heart where we say enough is enough. I had tried numerous times to stop and got the 'fuck its' so many times but i could see and feel myself going downhill at a rapid rate of knots. it wasnt fun anymore, i hated it and myself, i distanced me away from everyone so i could drink. I didnt really want to live but i didnt want to die either, i just didnt know what i wanted to do. I wanted someone else to stop drinking for me but that wasnt to happen so i had to try again and this time it stuck. i dont know why it stuck but it did. it will stick for you Pauly, dont give up, you know what its like to live without al and you can do this. i gave it 200% all. Some days i felt i was going insane fighting with myself, some days i just thought bugger it i will drink, i am over this feeling but i always said 'tomorrow' and thank god tomorrow has not come. keep on here and keep being accountable girl. never ever give up.

[Dutch1988]

I enjoyed reading your posts Pauly, and feel like we are in the same boat. It's like you wrore the internal dialogue that has been going on in my head in this journal. I saw screw anybody who judges you on your journey, it seems like with the struggle you have spent a great deal of time AF, isn't that what counts?

[treetops]

Hi Pauly - there are always these internal struggles going on in our heads but when AL is part of the music - it gets so noisy and confusing. I am really sorry you are so frustrated with yourself and that you seem to be so sad - maybe I am wrong there - but it seems to be so, from reading your last comments. Almost all of us here have had a really haphazard path with AL and what works for some doesn't work for others. The same answer doesn't always work for the same person at different stages in their life. And we get given advice or asked questions by others that is not what we want to hear and what we know is the 'real' us. Before my last quit I had some so-called experts and people at AA (who did not know me) suggest that I quit my job. That, plus quitting AL, was their easy answer to my stress. I think you know I generally like my job and my profession - and it was one of the few things that I was passionate about. Plus - I did not want to be unemployed!
But although there was advice like this that I quickly discarded, I did find other advice very helpful. Or just being able to talk with others - who are not family.
So what I am trying to say in this roundabout way is that its often a mix of things that helps us to quit.
This is your thread sweetie - so use it to sound out your thoughts and fears. We may not always be able to respond - but keep posting here and know that so many care about you.
As you say you will keep throwing shit at this beast, and for sure, bits will definitely stick.