In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

[Eve11]

Hey MWO friends,

Our son knew the deal. We talked the talk. Gave statistics, examples and an important reminder in our family that he himself was a product of a teen age pregnancy (birth mom was 15 when she had him). So, he was educated about the risk of pre-marital sex and how to use birth control...but despite all of this was just impulsive and downright stupid. Not even 16 and is going to be a father. GF is 17. Both are real mature in some ways but he is immature in many others (finances, work ethic, etc.). Still wants to sleep till noon, doesn't even have a real job yet and even if he did, doesn't have a driver's permit to get there...too young! Yet he thinks he's old enough to be a parent.

So, I have found a wonderful couple that are more than ready in every aspect to adopt but these kids want to keep the baby. He says he wants to help her when the baby is born as she'll be sleep deprived so wants to move in at her house. Her dad says the only way that can happen is if they marry. My thought is no. If dad supports her keeping it then she can live at home with him, our son will remain here and we'll support them financially and emotionally and in every way we can (babysitting, etc.) but our son won't be sleeping there and marrying her.

As an adoptive mother myself, I know how difficult placing a baby can be (heartbreaking for the birthmother). Had many failed adoptions because as the baby started to move, kick, etc. more than one mother changed her mind and decided to keep the baby.

For anyone who has been here, either as a teen in the same predicament or a parent, what does one do? I hate to force adoption even though I think it's the best plan for baby and for them as they are too young to understand the work, stress, etc. of a baby. Yet my brother who was in the same situation helped his dtr and has never regretted it as having the grandbaby has been the best blessing. However, I can't let my selfishness (joy of being a grandparent) get in the way of the right decision.

Anyone who can relate and willing to share life experiences will help. This is so heartbreaking.

:l

[Siren136]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Hi Eve,

I haven't been through this myself, but my best friend's daughter got pregnant in her senior year of college and had her baby. She is very responsible and lives at home with her mother. She and the father are not together anymore. I would say you are right not to encourage them to marry, but you should ensure that your son gives her just as much financial and emotional support as he can. They are too young to get married imho.

[RingingCedars]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Dear Eve?.first off hugs :l to you and take some deep breaths often over the next while. I can fully appreciate the emotional turbulence this situation can bring. Kudos to you for reaching out for support!

How I would have answered this as a pregnant 16 year old differs from how I would have answered at 35, 40 and now almost 40 years after I had decided, with encouragement from my own mother, to terminate that pregnancy.

Over the years when questioned did I regret my choice, I answered, ?I regretted being in the position to have to make a choice?. The ?boy? talked sweet of marriage and being there and then came to my door one day with a change of heart offering me money to terminate the pregnancy. Yes, abortion still sounds like a dirty, heinous word/act to me. I was devastated to the point of actually having thoughts of taking my life.

I wish I had had the kind of support you and the other set of parents are willing to give. But what is, just is. No going back.

The most important thing, in my opinion, with my ?wisdom? is that a miracle of life has been started. Help your son see that marriage is not important to be able to be a wonderful daddy and support to his child?s mother. If he can?t be there at night, that is a minor detail for now. Who knows how things may change, when he demonstrates his maturity. Being there emotionally, physically and financially when every opportunity presents itself will be a true test of his maturity. His/their child will know this one day and flourish in that knowledge that he/she was loved through all the difficulties.

I truly believe we would have a better world if we all got behind this: ?It takes a whole village to raise a child?. It sounds like this child has a good start.:h

[resrchqueen]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Well...they are very young... but that being said if you are there and willing to help them and support them they will get through this... They are not that far from being adults in most states. I had an abortion at 16 and have regretted it since. I think adoption is a wonderful thing but I would never make this decision for someone else even if that person is 15 or 16. If it was my kid...I would let support his decision to have the kid and do my best to help him through this. I wouldn't force marriage.

[nonamegirl]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Eve11,
I so much wish I could offer real help, because YOU have given ME such help this year. Please know that I will at least be sending you prayers and hugs... wish it was more.

I am not a parent, so can't really offer any tangible advice. On the other hand, I am a retired teacher of adolescents, and so have a tiny bit of experience. It seems to me that RingingCedars has some very good advice here. Your son can offer support without being married to the mother, without living with her. After all, at his age he DOES still need those hours of sleep that drive you crazy. Seems like his options are: get a drivers' license, get an after school job (and don't quit school!) and give weekend and financial support. As RingingCedars says "Being there emotionally, physically and financially when every opportunity presents itself will be a true test of his maturity. His/their child will know this one day and flourish in that knowledge that he/she was loved through all the difficulties."

My friend, wish I could help.:l

[mama bear]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

I have two teen age sons and this is one of my biggest nightmares.
I personally believe in a woman's right to chose, but that is not a very popular opinion these days.
I was adopted and support it completely. If I stayed with my birth mother (who has since found me), I would have been uneducated and unloved.
My adoptive parents sent me to the best schools and gave me opportunity they could.
If one of my sons finds himslef in this predicament, I would love and support him unconditionally, as well as my grandchild. Marriage WOULD NOT be an option.
I know I am being clear as mud.
I wish you the best of luck and send you strength. The "Woman Upstairs" has a funny way of making these things work out....

[aspman]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

HI Eve, as you asked here is my experience.
My mother was 13 when I was conceived and 14 when I was born when he found out she was pregnant her father wanted my father jailed as he was 18.
When I was conceived there was much talk of abortion and adoption but my mother was to strong willed and fought every step of the way, she surprised all concerned because the ‘adults’ thought she was to immature and still a child, which she was but a mothering nature can be evident at any age.
My father’s parents wanted the kids to be married before I was born and then it would be less shameful.
So my 4 grandparents and my parents all went to court in Brisbane in the early seventies to apply for permission for a minor to marry an adult. Somehow it was accepted and they were wed before my birth.
At 14 my mother was an unconventional but exceptional mother. She spent almost every waking moment attending to my every need. They lived in a rental house together and my father was an apprentice, they were young and unsure and for the most part their families felt the need to ‘help’ which seems to be their down fall.
They divorced after 3 years.
41 years later my mother is single again and a kinship carer to two children a 11yr old and a 4 yr old, they are half siblings sharing a mother. My mom has had them each virtually since birth .she is an incredible lady and an inspiration, I hate to think how her life may of gone if she was forced out of some of her own decisions early in life.

I kind of got lost in my own story there and forgot the point I was trying to make .you know your son better than anyone, ask him and his girl, talk, be frank and honest, hash out the options, it may be the hardest thing you ever do.
It may be the best thing you ever do.
It will affect generations of people you love.

Best wishes and love.

[paulywogg]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

hi eve,yikes what a mess! i dont have too much advice only to say i got pregnant married at 16, had 4 kids by the time i was 24, it was a roller coaster ride but we managed some vocational training,got jobs,rased the kids and we will have been married 23 years in june,these things are always a coin toss but sometimes even as adults getting into these situations it doesnt work out ya know? i do feel for you though,hugs

[Sunbeam]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Eve, I have nothing to offer but my hugs and prayers.

[Lila]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Eve, I wish I had something wise to say. Either choice, any choice is just not easy. I hope everything turns out for the best.

[TheSunFlower]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Eve....I feel for you.

This is such a different situation....but, I never let me kids off the hook. Your son needs to get a job and an apartment......to walk the the path he has chosen.

You have to respect his path. But in no way should you finance it.

[Lila]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

By the way, aspman, what an amazing story. And pollywog, same. All, thanks for sharing your amazing/ heartbreaking stories.

[Eve11]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Thank you to all who responded. Some of you really bared your souls sharing such personal information and I feel touched and grateful to hear such honesty from all of you. Thank you a million times over.

We met with the girl's dad and he was under the impression our son was her age and turning 18 next birthday. He turned green at the gills to learn he was only 15. So, thankfully he is no longer pushing marriage. I gave him info given by a social worker for his dtr to consider. She does not want to terminate so adoption or keeping are her only options. She does not want to place the baby and none of us want to force her into doing what we may think is best. I have seen and heard here from some of you success cases of young moms. Also, as an adoptive mom, I can share sad nights when little boys cried wondering why their first mom didn't keep them. Of course good psych support was given re that but it is still painful in any case to be placed for adoption too.

We are in a financial position to help them yet want them to be as responsible and independent as they can be as well. It is truly a one day at a time deal. Now that the shock has passed, I am feeling a bit better. I was so devastated a week ago but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It was so comforting to know I could come here as I knew I would get much needed support and online :l:l:l from my friends here at MWO. Thank you so much!

Luckily I have social workers friends and am very close with a school guidance counselor who can give advice and resources for teen parenting etc. Son has a job interview on Monday and is very skilled at balloon artistry so may go back to working for tips making balloons for kids at parties and events. He did that from age 10-12 but then felt it was stupid when age 12 hit. Now as he sees adults doing the same at restaurants, his opinion is changing as it's good tip money. We will see.

Thanks again my friends. You really gave some great advice here.

:l
Eve11

[kuya]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

I wish there was an easy answer to this Eve, but there are as many outcomes as one can imagine, some good some bad.

I have three kids over a wide age gap and I still don't know what I would do in this situation.

My eldest fathered a child he really wanted to a girl who I knew to be unstable from an unstable family. We haven't seen him in five years and he grows up without his father, which is so sad.

If we fought this in court it would be extremely messy and the child would be distressed so my son just has to wait till his son is old enough to choose to find him.

[Prest4time]

In crisis with teen-age pregnancy

Eve,

I am glad that you are finding some peace with all of it now. I too had an unexpected pregnancy at age 17 (father was same age). I was shocked, embarrassed, you name it. But deep inside, motherhood was always a dream, just not so soon. Abortion and adoption were not options for me... this baby was already growing in me and my heart was in love. I am SO glad I kept him... words cannot describe the joy he has brought to my life. My Dad basically forced us to marry, which was good for a few years, but eventually the hardships overcame the marriage and he left. By then we had a daughter as well. I went through some tough years as a very young and single Mom, but both sides of the family pitched in and helped us, paid for my school. I eventually remarried a wonderful man and he adopted both of them. I think my ex-husband would have been more responsible and connected to them through the years, but unfortunately he came from a very dysfunctional family littered with divorces, abuse and abandonment, so he had poor role models. Sounds like you are a wonderful mother and I just want you to know this CAN work. I would have loved to have been assured that we could still co-parent and figure out the whole marriage thing later without threats and parents making decisions for us.

Thankfully, l stayed on my feet and today I am happy to say that he is now 26, graduated from college and just got married two weeks go to an amazing woman. We could not be MORE proud of him. My daughter also has graduated from college last year and just landed her dream job in New York. Their phone calls to me today for Mother's Day were filled with love and how happy they are. And at the end of the day, the whole experience has made me a better person. I wouldn't change a thing!

All the best to you