what finally made your quit stick?

[paulywogg]

Was reading some rational recovery about the addictive voice being "the beast" and basically its a quadriplegic who can't even move unless it entices me to use my hands and legs to go feed it,interesting, I tried to put a face on my beast,I thought of a big hairy monster,me with my booze bloated bleary eyed face,finally came up with a grey faced guy with holed out eyes,dressed in all black and a black fedora,holding a cigarette, he's waiting patiently in the background for me to have an anxious day,a fuck it attitude, a depressed day,etc,its my job to tell him to go fuck himself! He can't do anything, he's paralyzed!! Only I can feed him,I sound nuts haha!! Still cruising along, haven't been exercing much cuz I'm just too bloody tired,should at least do weights or something, maybe this evening, having anxiety too but that's cuz I'm worried about my kid,my woman shit started yesterday, I smoke like a 1983 ford,I drink too much coffee,I got this though..

[lex]

What finally made my quit (hopefully) for good?

What I did was I got in the habit of quitting for January each year. After doing that for a few years (and I didn't always make it the full month, either), I went 90 days one year for no particular reason. Then a couple of years ago, I decided I would quit for 90 days instead of 30 days. After the 90 days, I just kept going for another year or so. Back then, my big thing about quitting was that I wanted to lose 20 pounds (or at least that was the surface reason I put on it). I had always been pretty good about exercising, but I had put on 20-25 pounds since college. So that was my big thing. I listened to all sorts of podcasts about paleo diet, etc., and that was my "cause" and I did gradually lose 25 pounds in about a year or so.

Then, in the summer of 2014, I decided I would get drunk at a college reunion. So I did. Then I didn't drink again for about a month. But then I decided I'd have a couple of beers now and then on a Friday or Saturday evening. Before long, I was back to drinking 3-4 beers every night. And I went on like that for ten months, until April, 2015. I did not get out-of-control, or blackout, "drunk" a single time during that ten month relapse, but I did wake up in the middle of the night anxious and guilty, and I did waste a lot of time feeling groggy after dinner (my habit was to drink before, but never after, dinner), and I did make the regrettable comment once or twice. I also managed to put back on 15 of the 25 pounds I had lost.

So, seven months ago-in Apri-I quite again.

This time, I'm focused not so much on losing weight, paleo diets, etc (which I'm basically doing anyway but not focusing on), but on learning about alcoholism. So I'm listening to podcasts of AA speaker meetings and big book groups, things like that. Very interesting stuff. For me, it's all about the ego this time. Not about the chemistry of alcohol so much; but about infantile ego, defiance, grandiosity and self-centerdness. Like it or not, these are my flaws and they make me drink. So I'm learning about what they are and how to deal with them. I figure I'm 60, so if not now when?

[paulywogg]

Heat...was thinking this morning of how there's so much heat involved in alcoholism
The heat in your belly with anticipation of the first drink
The heat of the first drink warming your chest as it goes down
The heat that comes over you after too many
The heat in your esophagus and throat from throwing up
The heat from your bloodshot,teary,burning eyes
The heat you can feel in your lungs and nose when you're breathing the al out
The heat of your sweat as you try to sleep it off
Lastly the incredibly horrifying heat as you detox,sweating out the yuckiness,trying to drive while your body sweats from your feet to the top of your head,I don't know why this all popped into my head this morning but I know I don't want anymore heat.

[NoraC]

Thank you Pauly!

[paulywogg]

Love ya Nora

[Choices]

I completely hear you on the heat! I'm really glad you mentioned it. I thought I had the onset of being pre menopausal. Honestly. Or like I had a sunburn. I just realized I don't feel that way. It literally is hell.

[Renorach]

Love this thread and the hope it generates. Thanks for sharing. Today is my quit day forever. I know longer want to poison myself, harm my relationships or just be a drunk. I have had enough. Thanks!

[paulywogg]

Third sober thanksgiving in a row so that's good,if only I'd have had a handle of the time in between, oh well the past is the past,had holiday anxiety though, all the cooking and sorting the house and Christmas looming, I hate being bah humbuggy,after all it ends up being a great time but the stress involved sucks! Oh well,on a path to a more positive present and future

[paulywogg]

I'm still truckin every day is different, mood wise,physically wise,"craving" wise etc,some days I'm elated with being off the grog,other days I'm sad,I guess its normal this early,was reading a thread and they were talking about online help for addiction and if its enough, yes I've been here awhile,I've gone to AA,I've gone to counseling, real face to face recovery stuff,I still continued to drink,look at all the people who go to rehab dozens of times and still relapse,the bottom line is its up to the person to do the work,to want to quit for good,nobody can do it for them unless they sew their mouth shut haha,I was having a hard day the other day,wrote a few things I'm grateful for
1.loving my morning coffee instead of chugging it,throwing up then chugging a beer and throwing it up,repeatedly
2.I'm getting shit paid
3 I don't call into work
4.I can watch TV in the evening and remember what I watched
5.family can tell me stuff and I remember.... usually haha
6.I like chocolate again
7.I'm aware of what'sgoing on around me
8.I'm getting my steps in(fitbit) not aa
9.I'm not putting anyone in danger by drinkin
10.there's more but too many to mention and now things I hate about sobriety
1. I'm grouchy a lot
2. I still can't sleep
3. I haven't lost a pound
4. I think hubs thinks I'm boring
5. I feel like I have a hangover a lot
6.I don't experience that euphoria anymore
7.my house is still messy
8.I can't drink at people
9. My memory is shot
9. I still get headaches, this list of negatives was only put here for my future reference and its the truth anyways,I'm not gonna sugar coat how great sobriety is,somedays it is,some days are shit but I know drinking won't make it better,especially as much as it takes for me,I'm content and I know I'm still healing and dealing

[actiongirl46]

Thanks for this thread Pauly. It is very helpful to me . . .

I certainly don't have anything to add on making things stick. I'm on Day 12 and I did 14 days in December. So, I have lots to learn.

Why do you think you get headaches and feel hungover? Allergies? Not fun . . . and doesn't seem fair as hard as you work!

[paulywogg]

Hi AG,I miss you and the gang from the umpteenth quit thread,most of them are gone but I'm glad you're back I don't know why I feel shitty sometimes, healing I guess,being cheap and not seeing the chiropractor for the headaches,PAWS perhaps,dunno,had an incident yesterday I wanted to write here,my coworker was showing me videos of a friends 70 something birthday party, they're Latin and IMO Latins throw the most kick ass parties, the food,the people,and yes the booze,iI've been pretty oblivious to alcohol cravings this go round, thoughts here and there but nothing big,well she was showing me this video of a mariachi band playing at the party and I was focused on the booze! The cousin sipping her beer playfully then holding it up in a cheers way,counted how many bottles of wine were on the counter,blah blah,I honestly wanted to close my eyes,I was praying a customer would come in so I kept glancing at the door,the stupid video just reminded me ofwhen drinking was fun,a blast,I started having romantic thoughts and cursing myself for not being able to drink like a normal person,so stupid,if I had been in the video drinking at the party I'd be puffy,red,bleary eyed,sloppy with mascara smeared,probably flirting with god knows who in front of my husband, chugging beers,rushing to puke,being loud and intrusive,the list goes on and on and none of it is romantic

[paulywogg]

Figure I'll use this thread after my "March Madness" month just to journal my goings on,my first relapse was on March 8 lasted 3 days I blew it off as a "lapse" I figured I was 138 days sober and if I only drank for 3 days and went back to no drinking that there was no use in carrying on about it,second relapse was on March 28 and lasted 5 fucking days straight! I didn't expect to get so blackout drunk the first night,I don't remember anything, the next day I felt dehydrated, jittery,so I dropped my son off at school and drank my face off that day,the next day,and the day after that,I was finally ready to quit but my body wouldn't cooperate on that Friday so I drank again,not quite as much,but not really that much less,luckily hubs was off Saturday and I knew I'd have no way to drink again, I was relieved,now I'm on day 5 with no alcohol and I feel ok,Ithought about lleaving here,I'm tired of the shit cycle!but I figure something will eventually stick,there were a bunch of us on here that had hit 100 days around the same time,I think we all drank,maybe banding together would've helped? Maybe a new band can be formed? Maybe I need to just need to focus on me,who knows, anyways, that where I'm at

[Guitarista]

I'm in the band!

I hear after March madness comes April arse kicking. :happy2:

[paulywogg]

Was thinking about 100 days and shit,I wwon't hit that again til July,seems a loong ways away,can't believe that I threw my precious days away oh well July will come either way,may as well enjoy the days in between rather than be a sorry,sad,heap on the couch

[Rusty]

Hey Pauly,:hug::hug::hug::hug: You had over 4 MONTHS AF...that's your longest stint ever, right? Have you thought of other activities you like to do, or would like to try, since you're not drinking??? Maybe you get bored with getting sober and you think, "what the hell...if i drink, I'll eventually stop and then I'll go back to being sober." I used to think that....for a LONG time...even after I was sober for a number of months or even a year. Now I truly GET IT...I truly get how people decide to stay quit because with every relapse, it gets harder and harder to get sober and stay there. I can't believe how many YEARS it took me to finally understand. I like your idea of banding together with other people who have relapsed at the 100 + days mark. You can have a whole group of quit buddies and you can encourage each other. Kudos for getting back in the saddle, Pauly. :-)