ChillerMiller's Journey

[ChillerMiller]

So, i have been told i should write everyday. This is my thread to express my feelings, fears and progress.

[Guitarista]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Good to see you Chiller Miller.

You can boot booze to the curb. Many people here are living rich, rewarding, happy lives alcohol free. So can you. Lot's of inspiring and educational stuff to read on the site. A few years worth in fact. Our toolbox is a great place to start, and to get yourself a plan and some positive routines you can handle. If you think you'll need to get a doctor on board, or medical support/advice, do it.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

All the best.

G bloke.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

On Sunday, i experienced the dark side of my addiction once again, which i thought had been destroyed.
What i have realized is that this darkness cannot be destroyed, only managed and controlled.

For a year i had been fine. Working things through on a daily basis. Then i came up with a terrible idea. To start drinking again, because i seemed to have defeated it. I thought i was free and in my mind that meant that i could control it. After all, i had dealt with whatever issues i had that made me want to medicate using alcohol. So there shouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't get out of hand because the underlying issues that sent me spiraling out of control were no longer there.

So for the last couple months, i have been drinking. It started as a couple drinks when my wife and i went out on supper dates. Then it changed to us both sharing a bottle of wine once a week. That then moved from once a week to 3 times a week... then everyday.

I was keeping things under control though. I never went crazy or caused any trouble. I was doing it. Controlling myself and drinking.

That is until the 02/06/2013.

I went to the morning church service, and left my wife there because she is very involved and was wanting to stay the day.

On my way home with my kids, i started thinking about having a beer. I ended up at a local restaurant, where they have a kids play park, and i bought them a milkshake each and myself a 500ml draught beer. That was at 9am. By 2pm, i was still there and 5 draughts later, was already getting way out of hand. So much so that the management would not serve me more alcohol. So i left and took the kids home. We planned on having a Star Wars Movie day. When we got home, i remembered i had a bottle of wine, which i opened and began drinking. I ended up feeling like another draught beer and left my kids at home while i ran up the road to a local bar to soothe my craving. By this stage i was so drunk that i didn't even know or believe i was drunk. I eventually came back home. But my wife and my family were all there waiting outside, trying to get into the house. I had the keys, and i got a massive shock seeing them there. I had been caught red handed. The last thing i remember, is being so angry at them. Probably because i hated them for busting me. I woke up on Monday, and i was not at my house but at my folks house. I had work that morning and managed by the grace of God to see it through.

I have apologized to my family and my wife and sons. And today, i joined this forum. I now know that no matter how many years go by in sobriety, the wild, dark monster of addiction is just waiting for its chance to spring forth and rip the carpet of reality out from beneath my feet.

Day 2 today AF. Day 1 on MWO. Still suffering great pains all over my body. Yesterday i was still drunk. Today i am hangover. Tomorrow i might be properly sober again. All i know is that no matter how strong i feel, i must never allow that lie to fool me into believing i can drink.

Addiction is not about my feelings, or I'd always be able to make up reasons to drink.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Last night, when i got home, my wife said that there is never going to be drinking allowed again. Never ever again! She then apologized for ever even allowing it in the first place. It wasn't really her fault, as i had told her to lighten up and give me a chance to prove i could drink. She was scared that if she didn't allow me to do this that i would leave her and find a younger party animal to enjoy. I probably would have. So i understand now that she was allowing me to drink out of fear of losing me.

I got this horrible feeling rush through my whole body when she said No More Drinking EVER! I had visions of all the things we would do that i would want to drink at. And it kinda freaked me out.

What about when we go for braai's at friends. What about when we went out for dinner, or to a rock show or or or.....

This feeling is something i would love to understand. Because it's an irrational feeling, or fear.

Probably made worse by the fact that i believe that i could have a beer or 3 and stop.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Russell Brand: My life without drugs | Culture | The Guardian

[bcp2013]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Congradulations,you can do this no alcohol is the way to go.it's not always easy but if you look at the future with it ,Lt looks much worse,watch the u tube videos on what happens to you when drink too much very eye opening.the thought of getting that far gone is disturbing.but alcohol doesn't care who it destroys,a lot of people's lives are ruined from it.keep up the great work!!

[Siren136]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Russel Brand is awesome. He's so honest about his journey. I watched a show called Taboo the other day and they did a spot about alcoholism. I can't remember the exact numbers, but they said something like 75% of prisoners are in jail for alcohol related offenses. It just boggles the mind.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

I told my father, who is also a heavy drinker, that he has no right in telling me i cannot drink. i got very violent and told him if he comes near me i will kill him and that he can f off and die.

I am feeling so remorseful of these words and actions. I feel disgusted in myself. I also said some really mean things to my mother.

I love them both more than anything, and i am so sorry for all i did and said.

I just do not want to get into a slump, because that could lead me back to drowning my sorrows.

I feel sick thinking about how i treated them.

[Siren136]

ChillerMiller's Journey

ChillerMiller;1515321 wrote: I told my father, who is also a heavy drinker, that he has no right in telling me i cannot drink. i got very violent and told him if he comes near me i will kill him and that he can f off and die.

I am feeling so remorseful of these words and actions. I feel disgusted in myself. I also said some really mean things to my mother.

I love them both more than anything, and i am so sorry for all i did and said.

I just do not want to get into a slump, because that could lead me back to drowning my sorrows.

I feel sick thinking about how i treated them.

Can you apologize to them?

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Siren136;1515324 wrote: Can you apologize to them?

I did. But it's still killing me inside that i did that. I can never take my words back, no matter how many times i apologize. Ive said those things and they have been heard and they have hurt loved ones.

They say all is forgiven. They've been through this many times... But they said this was the worst they've ever seen me. My mother asked if i was on drugs. I don't think i was, but i can't remember any specific details. So who knows.

:upset:

[Siren136]

ChillerMiller's Journey

You can't change the past nd you can't allow the past to derail the future. Shake it off and move forward.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Siren136;1515335 wrote: You can't change the past nd you can't allow the past to derail the future. Shake it off and move forward.

Ok, so from today... i dust myself off and walk forward. Thanks.!

I needed that slap around the head.
LOL:thanks:

[NoSugar]

ChillerMiller's Journey

ChillerMiller;1515336 wrote: Ok, so from today... i dust myself off and walk forward. Thanks.!

I needed that slap around the head.
LOL:thanks:

Hi, ChillerMiller

I haven't read your whole story and don't know if you have children yourself. For what its worth, parents have an enormous capacity to forgive their children. If yours say they forgive you, believe them and move on. Live in a way that you don't have to ask this of them again and so that you do not have to suffer these soul-crushing regrets.

All the best to you, NS

[Siren136]

ChillerMiller's Journey

NoSugar;1515350 wrote: Hi, ChillerMiller

I haven't read your whole story and don't know if you have children yourself. For what its worth, parents have an enormous capacity to forgive their children. If yours say they forgive you, believe them and move on. Live in a way that you don't have to ask this of them again and so that you do not have to suffer these soul-crushing regrets.

All the best to you, NS

Once again you and I are on the same page, NS! I was trying to formulate the idea that living a good life is the best way to honor his parents now and in the future.

[K9Lover]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Hi CM,
Just wanted to welcome you to the site and lend my support. This CAN be done. It's not easy, but it's SO worth it. You should check out this thread:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...118-23467.html

We've ALL done things we regret while drinking...the solution to that is (obviously) not to drink anymore. We can help...so please stick around!

K9