ChillerMiller's Journey

[Byrdlady]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Welcome aboard!
We all have regrets....but I'll tell you, it only takes a couple good AF days to have a whole new outlook on life!
You can't walk towards the future carrying the burdens of the past....someone said that to me when I first started. So true.
Your future sober actions will go a long way to erase any damage done. When I think about the future and NEVER being able to drink again, it is overwhelming....so I stick to something I know you've heard a 100 times, but it's so true I put it in my signature line below....all you gotta do, is get thru this day. I can do that....and you can, too! Try not to look too far down that road. We'll be here right by your side. So glad you're here. Byrdie

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I can feel the love and acceptance. I just burst into tears because I pictured what my parents must be feeling. My wife and children too. But more my dad, because he too is an alcoholic and I told him what an f'ing loser I thought he was and told him he has no right giving me lip over my drinking when he himself is always drunk. I was so mean to him. He heard me say to my mom, 'why dont you just divorce the a-hole'

I love my dad so much. My mom too. My words were disgusting and when im drunk I aim my words to not just hurt but to kill. I feel sick.

[K9Lover]

ChillerMiller's Journey

CM - Your parents WILL forgive you. You would forgive your child right? Just be honest and tell them you didn't mean what you said and you're sorry. I'm sure both of your parents know what happens to alcoholics, since you say your dad is one, and your mom lives with him. You'll feel better after you apologize. I bet neither one of them would ever bring it up again either.

I hope you're doing ok.

[bcp2013]

ChillerMiller's Journey

We can't erase the past,so you must look forward and forgive yourself. You know your parents forgave you,as well it might help your dad look at his behaviour and see how it affects you,we usually are brutally honest when drunk. Even though you hate what you said,it may help.l know when someone is truthful to me and l don't want to hear it my defences go up.your doing great without alcohol,keep up the good work,your family will be thankful of your efforts!!

[little beagle]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Absolutely Bcp
you must forgive yourself. We all have so many regrets. But we have the knowledge and strength to make tomorrow better. Buy a blank card, write analogy to you mother and father and mail it. Coming in the mail makes it a surprise. This is something I do when I make big mistakes.
Take care. Keep fighting the demon with us one day at a time.

[little beagle]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Sorry that should read apology.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Ok. This morning I have woken up feeling properly sober but my body still aches. I've woken up fearful, because my parents said if this happens again then I'm on my own. My wife said if it happens again that she's leaving. What are the odds of me doing this once and for all to messing up again? 90% of addicts never recover or get fully clean forevermore.

[NoSugar]

ChillerMiller's Journey

ChillerMiller;1515595 wrote: Ok. This morning I have woken up feeling properly sober but my body still aches. I've woken up fearful, because my parents said if this happens again then I'm on my own. My wife said if it happens again that she's leaving. What are the odds of me doing this once and for all to messing up again? 90% of addicts never recover or get fully clean forevermore.

The statistics are bad but you aren't a statistic!

It sounds like this is your last chance with the people you love. That is scary but the good news is that not drinking is a choice - YOUR choice. It is really hard at first but that part doesn't last long. Then, you just have to keep doing the same thing each minute, hour, and day. It becomes a habit, just like drinking was. You can do this once you decide that this truly the most important thing in your life. The tools and support you need are here. Please take advantage of what amazingly, is freely offered to all of us.

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Yes it's my final chance! My mom has already told my wife that if she decides to leave me, she will support my wife and kids and throw me to the curb! Awesome stuff.

With the way i'm feeling, (the guilt and shame doesn't help) maybe i should just end it all with one fowl swoop!

[kuya]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Don't listen to statistics. Look at the people here who have stayed sober for years.

You are what you believe, the mind is very powerful so CHANGE YOUR MIND!

You are no more or less capable of doing this than anyone here, you are human and humans quit addictions......it is NOT magic, it is belief in the possible.

So stop the negative talk and PLAN how you are GOING to do this. You must plan, nothing happens by hoping and wishing, you must be actively involved in every minute of every hour until peace comes.....which it WILL, but it must be worked for.

Have courage :h

[Unwasted]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Chiller, may I suggest a book that's helped me understand my brain chemistry? It's called Unchain Your Brain by Smith and Amen.

Please try some different routes if what you're doing isn't working. I'm actually taking the bold step of going to a psychiatrist next week. I want to stay sober, so I'm really getting out of my comfort zone. I think I have some underlying anxiety issues. Maybe someone can help you too.

Sending you peace and strength,
UN

[catch22]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Hi ChillerMiller, welcome to mwo. If iu feel like your struggling
i would suggest mybe make a appt with.ur docs .
So tht lur family knws tht u want to help urself. Let them knwm hopeimg tht u will get the support frm ur family. If u want this u need to get as much support but also u need yo put the action in. It all to do with change.
Best wishes and keep posting n readiing it all helps to
take ur mind frm you.
Catch22

[NoSugar]

ChillerMiller's Journey

ChillerMiller;1515756 wrote:
With the way i'm feeling, (the guilt and shame doesn't help) maybe i should just end it all with one fowl swoop!

I'm not sure what you mean by ending it all - I really don't think we should use phrases casually that can be misread as suicidal thoughts or intentions.

If that is what you are suggesting, please get the help you need. It is much more than on online forum can handle. Further, you want to be done hurting your family - this would be the cruelest cut of all.

If you are ready to start really living by giving up alcohol, you're in the right place, so let's get going. Write out your plan. Post it here. Get feedback. Stay accountable. Help other people who are fighting the same battle. Commit on all levels.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

[Wagoneer]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Chiller, I am so sorry that this has happened. This is the rockbottom that you hear about. Alcohol is not worth losing everything. It just isn't. Your family loves you and obviously you love them. But you need to get it through your head that booze will and is ruiing your life. You need to stop. It is just not worth it friend. It will take time, but they will forgive you! Best wishes to you!!!

[ChillerMiller]

ChillerMiller's Journey

Hi all. Thanks for your replies.

I am not feeling suicidal... I meant end it all as in just stuff up now instead of trying.

But since yesterday, i have been reading some stuff on mind power and i know that the way i think is what will become.

It's a Biblical concept. The power of life and death is in the tongue etc.

Or another version of this concept is The Law of attraction.

I can from today change my mindset, and start thinking positive and become someone new.

WHO DO I WANT TO BE? I CAN BE WHOEVER I WANT! Just choose now!