My potential way out - MPWO

[JakeC]

I misuse, abuse and overuse alcohol. I recently decided to take steps to address this. I am in therapy. As it turns out, my therapist is a social worker. So fuck the insurance companies. Take that how you will!

I am glad she is a social worker. Not from a value or cost perspective; moreso because she seems to be focused on trying to help over putting me in some therapeutic category.

It's late. I'm drunk. I need to go to sleep.

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

I ll check back in a few days

[RunningCourage]

My potential way out - MPWO

Morning / Evening Jake

Look forward to your next check in. Do use us too as a tool to support you if it helps.

And :welcome:

RC

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

Checking in...

Not drunk, but drinking.

Not sure what I am looking for here? I think I am leveraging this site as a means to reach out anonymously (to the degree that's possible online).

I believe I have the fortitude to overcome this problem. I just don't know what the actual problem is.

Western medicine treats symptoms (partially due to the empirical nature of Science and partially due to the economic drivers). Alcoholism is a real thing with real medical symptoms. It is also something more. At this point I accept that there are real physiological issues that I need to overcome. However, I do not accept that a symptom-centric, symptom-exclusive resolution is the only solution. This is why I am pursuing therapy to investigate and identify -- what???

One answer would be that I am looking for reason and logic; an explanation; a source; an "ah hah" moment that would give cause to my failing. That might be right.

Another would be that I am trying to identify and resolve the source of my psychological angst that drives what is essentially self destructive behavior.

If I really knew the answer I wouldn't be typing right now. But my sense is that both are right and probably something more.

At this point I have not only identified the symptom/problem, I am admitting it. Now I need to ind root cause to establish a path to resolution.

[kuya]

My potential way out - MPWO

What happened for me is that I had actually already resolved many of the underlying causes yet kept drinking because I was now addicted to alcohol.

I spent a decade waiting for an 'ah ha' moment. The 'ah ha' was accepting the diagnosis that I had lost my off switch for alcohol long ago.

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

Kuya

Thank you for the link. I actually found that article a week ago as I have been lurking here, observing, etc.

The article was very useful and I appreciate your pointing me to it. As a result I have starting taking vitamin pills.

Not ready to address irony

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

Kuya

I heard you. Not that it was the first time someone said something similar. But I heard you!

The search for some cause, some watershed moment, some trauma that damaged me - that created this problem is self-serving. Not that I can't wax on with episodes and stories and events and reasons that all would fit the bill. At the end of the line, I find myself at a place of my own making.

Who we are and what we do and the places we make is a complex subject. I benefit from the ability to maintain a high degree of function in life; in spite of my self-imposed handicap. Nonetheless, I recognize that I need to make a correction.

Without getting into details, the last few years have presented challenges and I sank into an unhealthy place where I was drinking every day. I realized that this was untenable in the long run and I also had a few social trigger events. I sought help. Although my stated focus was on drinking, the conversation turned to broader matters. I am refocusing it on the real problem.

So I did not have a drink since last Sunday. It was good. Hard to go asleep - I have insomnia. But I enjoyed the morning better. I also decided to avoid coffee and tea. All-in-all I enjoyed not drinking. Don't get me wrong, there were some issues, but it wasn't that big of a deal.

I am of the understanding that it takes 3 days for your body to rid itself of the alcohol you ingest, 1 week to establish a pattern, 3 weeks to break a pattern and who knows fuck all about the rest!

It's Friday night and I am getting drunk. Not stupid drunk, but feeding my addiction. I meant to say relaxing.

I'll get there

Problem is I have these social drinking events on my calendar. 2 weeks out is a bar crawl 3AM night with after our party. 3 weeks out is whiskey campfire.

[coriander]

My potential way out - MPWO

I like your eloquence jakec .
I am a medically oriented person but that sure as shit hasn't stopped me doing great damage to myself. I wonder if that subconscious self flagellation stems from internal, rather external factors. I am high function alcoholic, a perfectionist , with low self esteem to the point of self harm in other,more dramatic ways....attempted suicide, cutting.

I have very few resources avail offline. I commend your investigative methods, but if you're going to feed your addiction, then look at yourself whilst you're doing it. Do you like what yousee. No offence, Jake, I'm an amateur here. Stay safe during your social engagements.
Dunno if this makes any sense, but at best i welcome you to a safe place.

Xxx,c.

[Lila]

My potential way out - MPWO

Jake, may i recommend the book The Heart of Addiction? it comes from a very different perspective than AA, etc.

[Persephone1]

My potential way out - MPWO

I very much relate and appreciate your perspective. I quit drinking for lots of little reasons, though I think ultimately I wanted to revive that near drowned girl more than I wanted to keep soaking/floating/consuming the abyss. And I LOVED the abyss. I miss it. I do. But, the core of mySelf was getting more and more eroded with each day. Then each year. Until I was just a vague memory of myself. It wasn't worth it anymore. And I have days where I think, yep ~ I can now moderate. Bullshit. I couldn't then and the gauge is broken, for good. This irritates the shit outta me, but it's my fact. And so here I am, amongst others who understand and make me feel ok as I am.

Whatever brought you here...I'm glad you are here and I hope you stick around. Whether you dabble for a while, or make a commitment...its a place to gain support and maybe even more perspective. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Welcome.P.

[little beagle]

My potential way out - MPWO

Hey Jake,
Take That calendar out to the bonfire and burn it. Then stop looking for reasons to drink and start looking for reasons not to drink.

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

Damn iPad!

I already wrote my post. Not inclined to recreate it. Perhaps for the better...

Coriander - I feel you! No offense taken. Just know, I didnt get excessive, I just indulged. I get that in AA terms I failed, but I don't subscribe to dogmas. I am pleased that I spent most of my last week without a hangover. I plan on doing the same next work week. So I guess the question is will I?

Persephone1 - Hello fom the abyss. Not that am really in the abyss - but I assume you know the view. I get that moderation is probably a fools errand. I think my pride needs to try. Not sure what else to say

[coriander]

My potential way out - MPWO

On a different tangent, i feel you about ipads ....i have a galaxy samsung tablet which shit me with the autocorrect.

I'm not into AA , only because i have no access to them.
I prefer to seek help here because of the anonymity. Too confronting, otherwise.

Best of luck Jake

[JakeC]

My potential way out - MPWO

Thank you P, thank you L. I'll have to look up the heart of addiction. C - thank you for your concern. No offense taken. New or senior your point is quite valid. I did look at myself and the findings are mixed. I am / was OK with myself drinking. I was not OK with my reduced capacity in the morning. To your point, when it is all said and done... No I don't like being addicted to alcohol.

You said you have limited offline resources. Can I be an online resource for you? I make no promises about my own life. But I will try to help you if I can.

[coriander]

My potential way out - MPWO

Thanks Jake , i consider myself to have a48 hrs before i never, ever have to see, hear,talk to, or be a human being ever again. Day 4 nearly finished, don't know if I'll get to double figures.