I don't even know how long it has been since I've last posted here. But here I am again....with 710 days sober, coming up on my 30th birthday this Friday and 2 years sober next month. All this time has gone by and it kind of feels like I just started yet been so long on this so called journey.
I'm not here to say one way is better then another. I really don't know. Abstaining, personal growth and forgiving myself have helped tremendously. I don't work 12 steps or attend meetings. I haven't been to counseling or therapy sessions since October last year. Being around AL at dinners, BBQ's, gatherings and such has not affected me in any negative way (although I do feel this sense of 'time to leave' feeling when I notice some people are on their way to drunk land. It's almost like an annoyance vibration I feel, not from the actual people but tipsy/drunk in its own)
So many things have happened. I lost an uncle last fall due to...you can call this one...drunk driving. The report said that due to no tire marks its concluded he passed out at the wheel and died instantly. Truck went over a guardrail that he rode along for many yards until over a steep cliff. He wasn't found until a day later. His name is on my back window "In Loving Memory" on my car. I see it every time I look in my rear view mirror and drive that road with the cliff every day. He had a gentle spirit despite his long battle with addiction. I took that death in deep.
How about some positive. I would LOVE to say that I've made a ton of money and travel with my kids on vacations. That hasn't manifested yet
I have little money with dreams growing bigger. The most wonderful aspect of where I am at on a personal level is I have established profound goals for my life and without this cloud of doubt, self hate, low esteem and failure hanging over me...there is balance and peace with myself. That right there wells my eyes up with accomplishment. Even knowing there is so much more to attain in my life, I am on the right path.
Maybe its because of the time that has passed without drinking, facing my fears and hitting a very low in myself two years ago has led to this being not a battle anymore but living now. I was so lost and confused. Worn down from my behavior and past relationship. Abused from not only my ex but myself. I've been reflecting on where I was then. Such misery.
Hopefully someone reads this and it ignites hope or something. Liquid lies. I read that in one of my previous posts. That's all it really was going down my throat. Today I face other challenges, although NOTHING compared to what I was delivered from. It really did start by simply making a choice to get help and not back away from it.
So here I am, still a single mother of two children, turning 30 I've chosen not to date this entire time. People have asked why I am still single or don't date. To be honest, I have broken more patterns then just the bottle to my lips. I broke co-dependancy, doubt, unrealistic fear (not a panic attack in over a year and half!), unhealthy men and many other things. It's a great feeling to know my children and I will be adored one day by a worthy man. It took about this long to believe it.
Whatever you do...don't drink
Force yourself to laugh sometimes
Breathe deeply
Forgive yourself and let shame go
Be ok being miserable sober in the beginning. It's 1000x better then not sober.
Be honest with yourself
It's ok to love you despite everything
You're strongest at your weakest points at times
I'm not here to say one way is better then another. I really don't know. Abstaining, personal growth and forgiving myself have helped tremendously. I don't work 12 steps or attend meetings. I haven't been to counseling or therapy sessions since October last year. Being around AL at dinners, BBQ's, gatherings and such has not affected me in any negative way (although I do feel this sense of 'time to leave' feeling when I notice some people are on their way to drunk land. It's almost like an annoyance vibration I feel, not from the actual people but tipsy/drunk in its own)
So many things have happened. I lost an uncle last fall due to...you can call this one...drunk driving. The report said that due to no tire marks its concluded he passed out at the wheel and died instantly. Truck went over a guardrail that he rode along for many yards until over a steep cliff. He wasn't found until a day later. His name is on my back window "In Loving Memory" on my car. I see it every time I look in my rear view mirror and drive that road with the cliff every day. He had a gentle spirit despite his long battle with addiction. I took that death in deep.
How about some positive. I would LOVE to say that I've made a ton of money and travel with my kids on vacations. That hasn't manifested yet
I have little money with dreams growing bigger. The most wonderful aspect of where I am at on a personal level is I have established profound goals for my life and without this cloud of doubt, self hate, low esteem and failure hanging over me...there is balance and peace with myself. That right there wells my eyes up with accomplishment. Even knowing there is so much more to attain in my life, I am on the right path. Maybe its because of the time that has passed without drinking, facing my fears and hitting a very low in myself two years ago has led to this being not a battle anymore but living now. I was so lost and confused. Worn down from my behavior and past relationship. Abused from not only my ex but myself. I've been reflecting on where I was then. Such misery.
Hopefully someone reads this and it ignites hope or something. Liquid lies. I read that in one of my previous posts. That's all it really was going down my throat. Today I face other challenges, although NOTHING compared to what I was delivered from. It really did start by simply making a choice to get help and not back away from it.
So here I am, still a single mother of two children, turning 30
I've chosen not to date this entire time. People have asked why I am still single or don't date. To be honest, I have broken more patterns then just the bottle to my lips. I broke co-dependancy, doubt, unrealistic fear (not a panic attack in over a year and half!), unhealthy men and many other things. It's a great feeling to know my children and I will be adored one day by a worthy man. It took about this long to believe it.Whatever you do...don't drink
Force yourself to laugh sometimes
Breathe deeply
Forgive yourself and let shame go
Be ok being miserable sober in the beginning. It's 1000x better then not sober.
Be honest with yourself
It's ok to love you despite everything
You're strongest at your weakest points at times
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