Appropriate birthday requests

[Snapdragon]

Hi everyone - this question is absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, It's a dilemma I face about what is appropriate to ask for as a birthday gift.

Background

My hubby and I both have three grown up children from previous marriages - mine aged 23, 21 and 19 - his aged 25, 21 and 19. My kids live with us (during university holidays) his kids live with their mum and step-dad and come to stay on weekends (although not very often now as they naturally have social things to keep them busy).

Historically, for birthdays we spend about ?100 ($150) on a birthday gift for each 'child', plus go out for a family meal. If it's been a 'special' birthday ie: 18th or 21st we've given more (my eldest son had ?200 for his 21st - hubby's middle son had motorbike lessons costing ?200 for his 21st recently). For example, my youngest just celebrated his 19th birthday and I bought him Converse trainers (?50) and tickets to see his favourite comedian live (?30) plus a few T-shirts and chocolate bars.

The Dilemma

Hubbies eldest son (who is 25 years old, works full-time and lives with his mum and step-dad) rang hubby and asked if we could buy him a Tandem Skydive for his birthday - costing ?300 ($465).

I am flabbergasted that he even asked - but hubby seems to think we should stump up with the gift. He has been desperately looking on eBay trying to find cheaper options and is trying to justify WHY we should buy this for him (great for his self-esteem, personal development etc).

I think it is completely inappropriate and outrageous that a 25 year old would even consider asking for such an expensive gift. If one of my children had asked, I would have said 'in your dreams sunshine - buy me a holiday to the Caribbean and I will think about it next year!!

Additional information


It was my hubby's 50th birthday a few weeks ago and none of his sons (including the one asking for the expensive gift) brought him a gift or even a birthday card (his ex-wife sent a card from them all and they all signed their names). All of my 'children' brought Hubby gifts and cards (off their own backs and nothing to do with me) Also, it was Fathers' Day last weekend (in the UK) and none of hubby's sons sent a card (although they all rang - and it was during this conversation that the eldest son asked for his Tandem Skydive - after he said 'Happy Father's Day')

Conclusion

Is it acceptable and NORMAL for a 25 year old to ask his parents for such an expensive birthday present?

[JackieClaire]

Appropriate birthday requests

Hi Snap,
Funnily enough it's my sons 25th birthday today. Have to say if he'd asked us for a skydive I would have laughed long and hard at the very thought of him jumping out of a plane then said a resounding no.

Firstly we just don't have that kind of money and secondly it's an awful lot of money.

Perhaps some money towards one if he really wants to do it, but what will he ask for next year, the plane.

[RunningCourage]

Appropriate birthday requests

My folks never spent more than ?30 on my brother and I (we're in our 30's now)... tbh, we don't value big presents... a thoughtfully written card, or a new gadget or product or clothing item that doesn't cost the earth (i.e. usually no more than ?30 roughly) is enough...

I'd question where his value is laid right now...

Actually... i've not had an actual birthday present from my folks for 5 years now... It aint what matters to me...

Suppose i'm just agreeing with Molls there.

[sunshinedaisies]

Appropriate birthday requests

NO !!!! Oh my gosh - WAY too much to ask for !!! I can't believe he is asking for that !!! Just my opinion of course - but NO WAY !!!!!

Sun XX

[FreeFly]

Appropriate birthday requests

Hi Snap, just my 2 cents...

Firstly, clearly you're very generous with regular gifts. Sounds like this 'child' is trying his luck and perhaps hooking into a weak point with his father? Trust your instincts my friend - you know what is right. Perhaps just find a diplomatic way of enlightening hubby? Good luck

[3June2013]

Appropriate birthday requests

You said that historically 100 pounds or 200 on a big birthday? And was his 25th a "big birthday"? (it is here), but this is his 26th, right?

I say you stick with the past practice. Perhaps you could just give him the money (100 pounds) and he can put it towards his Tandem Skydive (not really sure what that is!)

He is working full time and doesn't bother to send a gift to Dad on his 50th? Please. That's just wrong.

All that said, if hubby wants to spend the money he needs to realize he is setting a precedent. Can he afford to start giving everyone 300 pound gifts?

[Siren136]

Appropriate birthday requests

I agree with others - give him the money you would have normally spent on him and let him buy the rest. It's a lot of money full stop, but for an 'experience' rather than for something tangible - forget it.

A good point made by 3June. Point out to him that if one child gets this, the rest (of his kids, not yours) will expect the same from now on.

[Snapdragon]

Appropriate birthday requests

Thanks for all your input. I'm glad you all agree (I wondered if I was being mean and unreasonable). I told hubby that I thought that it was outrageous that his son should ask for such an expensive gift - particularly when he couldn't even be bothered to send a birthday card or Father's Day card to his own dad. I also said that I would be ashamed if my own children had made that ask and would have told them so.

It is funny as neither of us have been brought up to have expensive things, but my husband has always had a big guilt complex because of his marriage break up and I think he feels bad that he lives with my children but not his own. Consequently they really milk the situation - whenever they come to stay he is dishing money out to them left right and centre - makes me sooo mad. But as long as it doesn't come out of my bank account, there's not much I can do.

[3June2013]

Appropriate birthday requests

snapdragon when I originally read your post the first thing I thought is this is a Dad who has guilt and these are kids who play it. I don't know you and didn't feel it was my place to say it but obviously you already know! That's a tough one, my husband was the same way when we met, the thing is he didn't have the money and it would have to come from me. (we now bank our money together but I make about 50 % more than him) Also he has three kids and I have one. So I always find a way to spend the equal amount on mine as the total of all his. Is that fair? I dunno but as long as I'm bankrolling it I get to be unfair LOL

[Snapdragon]

Appropriate birthday requests

3June2013;1521862 wrote: snapdragon when I originally read your post the first thing I thought is this is a Dad who has guilt and these are kids who play it. I don't know you and didn't feel it was my place to say it but obviously you already know! That's a tough one, my husband was the same way when we met, the thing is he didn't have the money and it would have to come from me. (we now bank our money together but I make about 50 % more than him) Also he has three kids and I have one. So I always find a way to spend the equal amount on mine as the total of all his. Is that fair? I dunno but as long as I'm bankrolling it I get to be unfair LOL

Hi June - I think that's fair enough if it's done subtly. I'm in the same boat with my hubby - I earn a lot more than him and generally pay for our holidays and when we go out for meals etc which I absolutely don't mind at all. What I do mind is that the little money he does have he is constantly dishing out to his boys and goes without himself. We have a joint bank account for the house and bills but separate accounts for everything else, so his money is his own to do what he wants with. I found out recently that he is still paying all three of his sons ?100 a month each pocket money!! They all work! it's diabolical - but each to their own!

[3June2013]

Appropriate birthday requests

Wow will he adopt me? That's crazy. I totally get it though, so you're paying for holidays and extras and if he had that 100 pounds per kid per month to help you with things it would be nice eh? (Can't find the pound key on my Canadian keyboard grr)

[Snapdragon]

Appropriate birthday requests

Yes it is crazy - my husband is a big softy and too generous for his own good. I got mad with him recently because my youngest son is a lazy so and so and didn't have a job (he's at university and living on his student loan). I completely stopped giving him handouts because I found out that he is smoking and told him that if he can afford to smoke he doesn't need money from me AND he needs to get a job. I found out that my hubby was slipping him the odd tenner here and there - we had a big argument about it. Son does have a job now in McDonalds!! :H

We've been together for 12 years, married for three - and almost every argument we've ever had has been about children. I now accept that we both have very different parenting styles and if I want to stay married and happy, I have to try and ignore his very annoying and very one-sided relationship with his boys.