Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

[littlepinkcat]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

evening guys just in from work

[RunningCourage]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

All The Little Things (An Ode to the Misanthropist) - Part 1

1. Someone else's offensive perfume
The fan in the office blows air past you, wafting your perfume in my direction. It's powerful. Overpowering. I hate it. It makes you no more attractive and no more alluring. Indeed, it is vile. Rancid, scented vinegar up my fucking nose.

2. Crisp eaters
Don't get me wrong: i eat crisps. I rather enjoy a good crunch around a Kettle crisp. In private. Or at least in a crowded room with other munchers. NOT at your desk, while you're plugged into your computer, heavily tapping the keyboard keys disseminating all the fat and salt from the crisps upon said keyboard. NOT sitting next to me, behind my or in front of me. NOT so as that it is the only thing i can hear. The crunching, echoing, self-satisfying, self-gratifying dry slurp and munch of the mastication of yer fucking crisps. Fucking awful.

3. Eating in close vicinity to me
Eating in close vicinity to me before lunchtime. Don't. I don't want to hear it. Fuck off and eat somewhere else. Or don't eat it. Do I eat in front of you? No. Exactly. If I can do it, so can you. Now stop eating or fuck off.

4. Don't smoke in front of me
Don't smoke in front of me if a) I don't know you or b) I don't particularly like you. Do I want a waft of poison up my nose and through my hair and latching itself upon my clothes? Do I want your second-hand breath of fatalistic fumes fermenting in my lungs? No. So don't. Stub it out. Or get the fuck out of my vicinity. If you are a smoker and have the fortuity to be my friend, then this does not apply.

Please don't take offense lovely smoker people. This doesn't apply to any of you here in the Barracks, please puff away .

5. Fat people eating
I mean VERY fat people. I mean people who just sit and fucking eat for a living. And then bemoan being fat. I am fattist. Unless I like you. Or you are my friend. Then I don't care.

6. Dieters
Just fucking eat. Don;t obsess over fucking calories or fat content. The information is so conflicting. Just use your fucking noggins. Eat crisps and tweenies all day long? Fat? Well, no shit Sherlock - better hit the gym then, go for a swim, get outside and go for bleedin walk. And eat some veg. But don't obsess about every fucking calorie. Nobody cares but you. And if nobody else cares, why on earth should you? Exactly. Now get over it.

7. Sun Newspaper Readers
Britain's biggest selling daily newspaper. What the fuck does that say about the intelligence and moral integrity of vast swathes of the British public? 7 million + readers everyday... (compare that to 197,000 Grauniad readers...). I don't know whether to feel smug that i read a broadsheet that has such a low circulation, or that i simply choose NOT to read The Sun.... or flabbergasted that the breadth of what shit people term and take as news - as fact - and believe it...

Sincerest apologies if any Sun readers here.

8. Women Laughing in the Office
When they're up the other end, in the wee meeting room, the three of them cackling and clucking together. Oh, isn't it just SOOOOO fucking funny. Yeah. Whatever. It sounds so conspiratorial. So "in". And I aint "in". Nup. I'm well and truly out. Ha, ha, ha bloody fucking ha, ha ha.

9. Uninvited Singing
Uninvited Singing - actually it;s half singing. Or a cross between a fucking sing and a fucking hum.... all by the colleague with the offensive over pungent perfume. You've made me angry enough with that fucking vinegar eminating from you, do you HAVE to sing at your computer also.

10. Professional Happiness
And while singing, smiling too... always fucking happy. Especially when working with strangers - answers the phone "OH HIii!!!!!! SOOOO lovely to speak to you...." Or worse to the boss - big smiles, big licks, big sucks... the boss is drenched in smiley singer's vinegary dressing by the time she leaves. If she was any happier she'd fucking pop. Thing is 50% of it is faux, fake, false. Don't do it. Don;t try and keep up the pretense of everything being fucking fandabbydosey... THIS IS LIFE. It goes up and it goes down and you hanging onto the upside just makes you look fucking stupid. When we're down and you're up all we can do is see yer pants. Come down once in a while and just fucking be.

Fucking people.

[RunningCourage]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

sweetpea29;1536094 wrote: Good woman yerself- have a pamper day love prawns I do!

Yeah had lovely time just too short. We just happened upon MrDepp as we were walking about after the show- we was wondering what all the commotion was about and dandered down to where crowd was- next ting we know big car with himself goes past windas down and him waving!!! I knew nought bout Jersey Boys til the show and then was like omg! Did he sing that song and that one....? Good for a boogie too
Ive an uncle lives in NJ- been once to see him and his family

There's a play on I really wanted to see called 'the Cripple of Inishmaan' - by an Irish playwright -McDonagh- sounds v. v good- gonna see when can get tickets and maybe head over again.

Enjoy your day Zenny

Never seen it, but i;ve read the script and frankly i think it's one of the funniest and cleverest things i ever read.

[littlepinkcat]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

that's quite a rant, lol

[RunningCourage]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

littlepinkcat;1536104 wrote: that's quite a rant, lol

:H it was PP and Molls wot made me do it :new:

[littlepinkcat]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

right gang off to AA, laters x

[sweetpea29]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

RunningCourage;1536105 wrote: :H it was PP and Molls wot made me do it :new:

:H:H Jeez, and that's only part one!! Goodjob MrD'Arsey Cant wait for the next instalment!

Do you feel any better/lighter having got it out there? Hope so xx

[sweetpea29]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

Hiya Pinky :hiya: and Molls- did yer man get the bluebottle in the end?

[sweetpea29]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

RunningCourage;1536103 wrote: Never seen it, but i;ve read the script and frankly i think it's one of the funniest and cleverest things i ever read.

Ye may not believe this -but when myself and bro read bout it we both thought straight away of our own dear uncle D. He was what they'd call a 'cripple' and God rest his soul just wanted to get out and live his life, find a 'woman' as he'd say!! get a flat of his own blah, blah... but he was so funny and intelligent and cheeky- a real legend!!! Will defo hafta see the play at some stage.

[RunningCourage]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

sweetpea29;1536115 wrote: :H:H Jeez, and that's only part one!! Goodjob MrD'Arsey Cant wait for the next instalment!

Do you feel any better/lighter having got it out there? Hope so xx

It's a funny feeling... part of me feels bad... see the girl with the perfume and who eats at her desk (as they all fucking do) and who sings and is professionally happy... well, she is really a lovely dear... but you know, i just get so wound up inside. I actually sigh in the office when smell of the perfume hits me again...

But then part of me feels kinda good. It is cathartic... but I don't know if i could take it myself if i knew i was the subject of it... like if it was personal? Like if someone said that hated runners, that's fine... or they hated readers of such and such magazine, that's fine... or taking the piss out of the industry i work in... yada yada... yeah all fine... BUT, if it got personal... like, i dunno, someone says I hate the fact, Arsey, that you always slink away to eat your lunch as if we're not good enough... or that i had an odour that another found offensive... or that someone found me irritating for such and such a reason...

BUT... this is what I want to get over. To embrace that there might well be something about me that someone else doesn't like - and that person being someone i have a vested interest in, a friend or colleague, say - but that i don;t mind. THAT'S OK. And if it is something detrimental - say i'm a misogynist bastard - then i can hopefully recognise that and rectify. And if it is not. And if I am content with me being me... then CHILL.

Unfortunately the most disparaging voice I (we?!?!) have is the wan in me heid: when i tell myself that i am sad/pathetic/loner/loser/not good enough etc etc. And that is the hardest voice that I (we)need to battle.

Gee - you'd think we'd be good at it considering the amount of work we've done to kick the ol' AL voice down to the gutter.

[RunningCourage]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

mollyka;1536119 wrote: He's pulling weeds now - think he's deranged:H:H and he woz SUCH a nice chap:H

Oh my gawd.... are you speaking about me?! :H:H

[JackieClaire]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

Sorry to be late for evening roll call.
I was busy washing off my perfume, wiping crisp (low fat) crumbs of me hands and hiding 200 back copies of the Sun down the bag of the sofa while smoking a fag.
Sorry, D'arsey, just couldn't resist

[tiptronic_ct]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

LMAO D'Arsey :H:H:H

You should be published. That was an AWESOME rant :goodjob:

Good evening again, Army

JC: shall I put up that piccie of me with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth as my avatar again?

[tiptronic_ct]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

Has Reccie been to the optometrist yet, by the way?

[JackieClaire]

Army Thread Wednesday 24th July

tiptronic_ct;1536128 wrote: LMAO D'Arsey :H:H:H
You should be published. That was an AWESOME rant :goodjob:
Good evening again, Army
JC: shall I put up that piccie of me with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth as my avatar again?
Go on then, I dares ya.


tiptronic_ct;1536129 wrote: Has Reccie been to the optometrist yet, by the way?

Think so.