Relapse in Retrospect

[bear73]

thank you thank you thank you
I really needed to read all of this.

[NoSugar]

New contributions welcome - sharing your experience might just be the post that helps someone else avoid that particular trap.

I appreciate all the posts that have been made - I've read them whenever I've felt like I might be different than everyone else.
This thread reminds me that in this, we are the same.

[starty]

Around my 6th AL free anniversary I started drinking again. I now feel ready to look at why that happened.

My first 3-4 years sobriety were very supported by my activity on MWO. I also had quite a few friends from MWO that I would see in real life. This meant that recovery was ALWAYS in the forefront of my mind I guess. When people in my peer group started drifting off to pursue other aspects of their lives and I did too I think I lost sight of what was really important. I had been given a management position at work that was incredibly demanding. In fact the job I have been in for the last 4 years is unbelievably stressful. My pill usage really escalated in the past 3 years for both personal and professional reasons. Where I used to take them occasionally for mild stress I started to take them daily and was very quickly well and truly hooked. I justified my pill usage by saying that it didn't change my behaviour just took the edge off a little and of course no one knew.

As the months passed, the pills were not doing what they should and my usage increased dramatically. I was still not able to relax or lose that constant stress feeling. I was not posting on MWO, I was not really in touch with the people that I had met there and was not reading or really thinking about recovery any more. At my work they are big drinkers. Much younger than me and all loved to go out for a “session” Of course I began to feel I was missing out on something and along with the stress was looking for a quick fix.

I had tried to motivate myself into healthier habits like eating well, exercise, meditation but I guess ultimately I was feeling a bit lonely and lost. My brain was allowed to wander and tell itself that there was another thing I could do to relax, unwind and connect with others. Its soooooo stupid what we tell ourselves when our guard is let down. I have lived through horrific stress without resorting to drinking in my years of sobriety. My mum dying, being made redundant, my marriage going through a horrendous patch. All these things I came through without AL. However, in 2014 a bit of loneliness, a feeling of drifting and not having much purpose, tiredness and stress took me right back to the bottle.

I remember the day so well. Mr Starts and I were out walking the dogs. I out of the blue said “I want a beer” Hubby said no, you really don’t and I countered that I really did! Convincing him and myself that I was in total control and this time it would be different……Of course it never is. I would always be engineering visits to the pub, going out to lunch (in a pub) citing stress as to why I needed a bottle of wine in the evening. It got to the point where again, I was drinking in the morning, in my lunch break and every evening. Although I wasn't completely incapable I was putting so much away. Not that I didn't get incapable on a few occasions though. A work do was horrific and I embarrassed myself. I have fallen over with the dogs and hurt myself. All the time kidding myself I was in control!!! Of course the pills went through the roof. They simply were not working and I think I must have been spending in excess of £300 a month on all my addictions probably more. Every few months I would go through a horrible withdrawal from the pills and say never again. I would use AL to “help” me come off them which of course did not help and I was constantly in a battle of depression, anxiety and guilt. Another lie I told myself was that I couldnt give up both substances together. It would be too hard, so I figured the pills were the worst and AL would have to stay to keep me sane. I cannot believe that I was telling myself these things after such a long time sober!! I also felt that I would NEVER be AF again. I had kind of given up. I really thought it was too late….so what changed.

Well I met up with Chillgirl. She was here about 6 years ago and is still doing great. We have kept in touch on Facebook and seen each other from time to time over the years. I met her and told her I was drinking again. She was so very shocked. I didn't expect that. Also I heard myself telling her how it wasn't a big deal, how I wasn't drinking that much and how I was in control. She didn't believe a word of it although she didn't tell me at the time. I think meeting her, and talking about it was my catalyst and wake up call. When I met her I was about a month off the pills still feeling rubbish and quite depressed. I had been to the doctor who had increased my anti depressants a few weeks prior and I really couldnt see a way of feeling better. I even told the doc I was drinking too much but he didn't pick up on it.

So now, at two months off the pills (bar one week with toothache) and 5 weeks off the booze I am feeling soooooo much better and more hopeful that I have felt for a long long time. I am still VERY nervous of how my mind can change in an instant but I guess we all feel like that. The more distance I put between myself and ANY mind altering substances is going to be the key for me I think. However, I can never ever say I am out of the woods because those trees can come crashing down so very easily.

I do help that this might stop even one person from going down that rabbit hole again.......

Cannot believe I wrote all this in 2015 and here I am AGAIN. I must do something different this time.

[Rusty]

Starty-thank you for having the courage, and taking the time, to write this incredibly insightful and helpful post. Your strength has helped so many today. It would be a wonderful addition to the MWO Toolbox, and to MY Toolbox as well. I love Chillgirl and I miss her posts. We would email each other from time to time. Please give her my best when you see her.

xoxo
Rusty

[starty]

Starty-thank you for having the courage, and taking the time, to write this incredibly insightful and helpful post. Your strength has helped so many today. It would be a wonderful addition to the MWO Toolbox, and to MY Toolbox as well. I love Chillgirl and I miss her posts. We would email each other from time to time. Please give her my best when you see her.

xoxo
Rusty

Hi Rusty, you are very welcome. I was in 2 minds whether to bump it as it was written in November last year. And yet with all that insight and good feeling for being sober I did it again and again for most of this year too! Well I am on day 31 and again feeling good. I KNOW I have a big war to win again and pray that my mind does not beat me.

Chill is doing so very well, she has a whole new life and I admire her greatly. We still meet up a few times each year and I do cherish those meetings although I feel sad sometimes that I have messed things up with my sobriety and yet she has grown so much. I guess I must always remember not to compare myself with others as that will never do anyone any good. I will certainly send your best wishes Rusty. xx

[Rusty]

Thank you, Starty.:happy2:

[treetops]

Thanks Starty for bumping this too. I am going through incredible stress at work - a process that will continue for several months. And has been for months. I am also coming up to my 4 years anniversary next week. I have no cravings but sometimes I listen to that little AV that says it can give me a temporary fix. I am also pretty lonely at the moment and pretty sleep deprived. I do visualise what the reality of drinking would be for me and that seems to help. Your story is a bit different to me but parts resonate. So thanks mate.

[Pavati]

Hi, Starty.

Thanks for sharing your story. A good reminder to me about diligence and care in staying away from the drink.

Best to you,
Pav

[j-vo]

Thank you, Starty. Al is all lies all the time. Let's win thiis war together.

[starty]

Thank you, Starty. Al is all lies all the time. Let's win thiis war together.

Hiya JVO. Its so good to see you back. We can do this, we have both done it before. Now we have inside information and dont need to fall down where we did before.

[ThirdTimesACharm]

This is such a great thread - so on point! Stopping drinking is the easy part. Staying sober is where the struggle really begins. I think a lack of understanding of this is why almost everyone fails at least once.

Being just 9 days in myself, I'm still in the early "honeymoon" phase of new-found sobriety. I'm still in that stage where I can never imagine taking another sip of poison again. But I know too well that feeling fades. Life happens. Opportunity presents itself. And the demon on your shoulder tells you "Just one my friend. You've earned it... it'll be ok".

Big life changes are needed to stay sober. The gaping hole that decades of drinking has created needs to be filled with something bigger, something more fulfilling and something with more purpose than the bottle.

I spent some time today thinking of all the reasons why I have failed in the past. Here's what I came up with:

- Self-congratulatory - honestly this is the biggest one for me. When I feel like I'm in a really good place (maybe I got a promotion, a bonus or met a personal goal), I drink to simply celebrate that fact - to reward myself for getting to that place. Of course, it ends up being completely self-defeating. Before I know it, I'm back into a pattern of regular drinking and wallowing in self-pity, guilt, shame, anger and all those awesome alcohol-induced emotions.

- Stress - For me, this has mostly taken the form of work deadlines (often self-imposed) where I would need to work 16+ hour days for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. I found it very hard to work that much without a drink in my hand after 5pm. With a drink (or eight), I could work through to 2am and start again at 7am. Or so I told myself.

- Spontaneous drinking - This is a minor factor for me, but there have been times when I have slipped just due to poor planning - stopping in at a friend's house and being offered a beer and just not saying no... going to a party being handed a beer and taking a swig, and another, and another... etc.

I haven't got it all figured out yet, but I will be making life changes to address all of these roads to relapse. With some planning, purpose and resolve I hope that this quit will be my last.

[starty]

I continue to analyse why I could have done 6 years and during that time go through so many major life events sober, yet when things settle and there is maybe not so much going on I crashed and burned. On my meeting with Chillgirl yesterday we talked about this. She said that it is well known that if we have no problems, we are very good at creating them for ourselves. I think she is right. My mind is a meddler, it needs to be kept busy which I think could apply to most of us. Lovely weekend, relaxed and full so last night I start thinking about work and the stresses associated yet NOTHING had happened. I was simply creating scenarios in my mind that may or may not happen. The same with choosing to drink/pick up drugs associated with the what now, or what next/ is this it scenarios. One thing I am very aware of now is to let those thoughts pass. Don't give them headspace, move away from them and they do pass if you let them.

[narilly]

Thank you Starty, what a good reminder to us trying to stay sober. That is why I came back. I am over 2.5 years sober and I too started having drinking thoughts. On Friday I had a stressful day at work and thought it would be so good to have some wine to relax. I knew right away that this was Alcoholic thinking and got in touch wit SL. She told me to start posting and reading on MWO and not to drink.
It would have been so easy to start again and then so difficult to quit. Thank you for all your posts, thank goodness we are here for each other.

[starty]

One thing to remember narily is that if you fall it will be hard and worse than before you quit. I am not sure why that is but it is frightening and incredibly hard to get sobriety back. Much harder than the first time around. Don't fall for the "I've done it once I can do it again " scenario The risk is too great and certainly not worth testing. It did not make my problems go, make me sociable or happy or anything else I asked of it.
I am glad you are here before you let it get to you again

[narilly]

One thing to remember narily is that if you fall it will be hard and worse than before you quit. I am not sure why that is but it is frightening and incredibly hard to get sobriety back. Much harder than the first time around. Don't fall for the "I've done it once I can do it again " scenario The risk is too great and certainly not worth testing. It did not make my problems go, make me sociable or happy or anything else I asked oft it.
I am glad you are here before you let it get to you again

Thank you, than you, that advice will save my life❤️