Relapse in Retrospect

[red67]

Relapse in Retrospect

NoSugar, thank you for that link. What I really liked about what she said is that she surrenders everyday, not fight but surrender. I never saw it like that before, I thought I had to fight this battle everyday but I don't, I just have to understand addiction is more powerful than I am and I surrender. My power comes from my choices and my choice not to drink allows me to be able to win against addiction one day at a time.

Thank you!

[Pavati]

Relapse in Retrospect

Wow, NoSugar. Thanks for sharing that.

Red - you summed it up nicely.

I have heard people say that while you're not drinking your disease is away doing pushups. I have heard that relapse drinking can be pretty horrendous. Sounds like it.

[Starfish1]

Relapse in Retrospect

bump for Jane

[allswell]

Relapse in Retrospect

Hi NS and everyone else,

I haven't read back, just read No Sugar's originating post for the thread and thought I would comment on my history. I have not been a perfect nondrinker and have fallen more than I care to admit but have been determined to reduce and eventually eliminate alcohol from my life. I find quitting after a relapse to be a relief, I enjoy being a nondrinker and welcome the clean feeling I have when I do. I welcome a world where there is absolutely no alcohol influence whatsoever but also know that is not reality, it's all around us. I have focused my life these days on much more productive uses of my time but I'm not perfect. I absolutely hate alcohol and yet can't seem to get a complete firm resolve to do without it, when I went a year without drinking I was a hermit. I don't think that is a healthy way to live either. I wish I could balance social situations with firm resolve and that part gets hard sometimes but I know life without AL is the best choice for me even though occasionally I haven't followed through.

[little beagle]

Relapse in Retrospect

No sugar I am going to check that site out further. Thanks.

[lifechange]

Relapse in Retrospect

bump!

[available]

Relapse in Retrospect

What a great read and its good to remember why not drinking is so worth the effort.

[Starfish1]

Relapse in Retrospect

bump

[frances]

I have been thinking about what has happened to me and thought I'd put it here. When I first joined this site (in 2008 for goodness sake!), like others have posted here, I thought I could moderate and did not realize that this was not possible. I abstained for 30 days once with the intention after that to moderate. Then slowly but surely (actually not that slowly) worked back up to daily over-drinking and feeling like crap more days during the week than not and came back to MWO. Again, never thinking of stopping completely FOR GOOD. So I stopped for something like 45 days. And once again, with the intention to moderate, started drinking again. And again, got back to drinking way too much way too often and of course, daily drinking. And eventually got sick and tired of being sick and tired and got back on here. This latest time, in February of 2014. And I stopped. And I didn't really have a plan I just knew I had to stop.

I was doing great. It wasn't easy in the beginning AT ALL, but it got easier and easier over time and just a couple of months in I remember being shocked at how my habits really seemed to have changed and instead of looking forward to that glass of wine when I got home, I was now looking forward to that nice cup of tea to unwind with. And months went by. I had moments, and took everything one day at a time. But overall it was going great. I passed 8 months. WOW!

Then, on day 270 (the weekend before thanksgiving) we had company over to our house. We had four empty wine glasses sitting on the counter. My intention was to fill my glass with seltzer and cranberry. But I hadn't done that yet. We were all talking, and the couple we had over did not know that I had stopped drinking. They were pouring the wine for dinner and poured my glass. Without much of a second thought I took it and drank it! Looking back, I could not believe that after all this time, this could happen so easily. I even had another glass knowing perfectly well exactly what I was doing that time! That was all I had and I didn't drink anything else but on Thanksgiving, I drank again. Too much this time.

I haven't had a drink since Thanksgiving.

So what happened, after 270 days?

1) Looking back, I realize that I had been thinking more and more about drinking and how I might be able to control it now. Just like you always hear about. And even though I know better, and I knew better, these thoughts were there and coming more and more frequently. That little seed of a thought was there and all it needed was someone to give me a drink to try it out.

2) I had been talking with a friend who is an alcoholic, was sober for five years, and had a relapse this year but had stopped drinking again. She was right around day 100. She was going on a cruise and was talking about how she felt like she wanted to drink when she was on the cruise. I told her she knew better and remember how hard it was to quit this latest time, etc. etc., drinking was really not worth it - what's the point if you think you're only going to have one, etc, etc, and then in the next breath, I said, "but I was never really that bad so I really don't know much about this anyway". Yep I said it! Wow, you hear about it and then it happens and you are such a cliche but these things are so true, there is a reason you hear about it over and over.

3) I had been thinking about the upcoming holidays and feeling deprived.

Those are the three main things that I can see now that were happening, these thought processes, that I think left the door open and when that wine was poured for me, this door was open just enough that I went ahead and pushed it wide open and drank that wine.

What now? Well, now I find that I am thinking about drinking way more often. Just like when I first quit. These thoughts had all but gone away. So also, all that talk you hear about quitting being so much easier than moderating because when you moderate you are always and constantly thinking about when you can have that next drink, etc. - it is truly just so so so much easier to leave it off the table. Not that I'm thinking about moderating, but the thoughts intensify immediately after that first drink. It's not like I went back to where I was on day 270. I now think about how I'd really like a glass of wine to unwind. Instead of that nice cup of tea. So though I didn't want to think of it that way, I literally have gone back to day 1 as far as my mental state and how I think about drinking.

I'm not going to let myself fall back. I know it would happen, there is no way I can just drink 'once in awhile' and I am not going to try it. I said on the newbies nest recently that I like to call it a 'slip'. It definitely wasn't a situation where I have gone full on back to drinking daily, etc., but what it has done, is set me back mentally. Significantly.

So here I am, on Day 14, starting over and praying that I am successful this time.

For any of you who are having more and more of those lingering thoughts - please be careful and conscientous. They are not to be taken lightly.

[Spiritfree]

Wow frances -this is a great-informative post. Have you ever read or researched PAWS -post acute withdrawal syndrome? The great news that I read from your post is that you know exactly where you stand with alcohol and exactly what you have to do. The bad news that I read from your post is that you know exactly these same things. The exciting news for you is that you get another chance. And hopefully, more chances if something goes south again.

I never will someone saying "I know that I can get drunk one more time, I just don't know if I have in more recoveries left in me." Of course this came from an ole timer who was laughing during my first meeting 15 years ago.

No other way to say it and as you know -the Firewater hell hole and cycle is tough to break -but I have found that once broken, it sure does beat the alternative. Alcohol has changed our brain's wiring -but this does not have to mean that we cant continue to try and re-wire it. Hope you are staying your course.

[MossRose]

NS - great thread. I'm not sure how I missed this one. I have spent some time reading all the posts here. Wow - good stuff.

Since I just posted about my last relapse in Just Starting Out, I guess it's time for a bit more reflection. I know I can't moderate. I tried that a few times in the first year after I joined, but until this last relapse, I had always come here, admitted I was drinking, and stopped almost immediately. I wanted to be stopped. I honestly didn't want to drink. Yes - each fall was serious, but the damage was minimal, so I didn't pay close enough attention to my triggers.

This past July was way different. I lost my way. The external events that got in the way of my quit are common to all of us. Simply life events that we all endure. But I decided (in my addicted brain) that they were valid enough reasons to give me permission to go back to drinking. That was about the time when my brother was diagnosed. And while that was distressing news, I was firmly AF at that point, and really doubt that would have caused me to unravel. No, the biggest trigger was that I was knee-deep in wrong thinking. I could no longer feel gratitude. Rather than be thankful that I come home to a peaceful home each night - a place where I am safe and comfortable and can maintain my self-respect - all I could feel was a searing loneliness. Why? Because my ex picked that moment to find a new love and then gush constantly on FB about how she was the perfect woman. Now I can see clearly again, and understand that she won herself a turd. Poor girl. But at the time, it was crushing to my self-esteem. Before you ask, yes - I have deactivated my FB account permanently and am so much happier now.

So I started planning my escape. I decided to leave MWO. I knew it wouldn't take long for all of you to figure out what was going on, so I felt I had no other choice. Before I went, I reached out to a couple of members and gave them a bunch of BS about why I was taking a break. They saw through it and tried to talk me out of leaving, but I was too far into my alky thinking at that point to listen. This was long before I bought that first bottle of wine. It took weeks of preparation. I know how sad that sounds. But that's how it was for me.

I knew where that first drink would lead, and I intentionally took it. And of course, I was right. It was a fast track to hell. So once I got sober again, I started to really pay attention to my feelings. Was I really lonely? Not really. I'm an introvert by nature - even though you all will probably laugh when you read this since I am such a blabbermouth on MWO - but I really do enjoy and need a lot of time alone. So I had to admit that it was really all about my ego. That pesky ego thing again. I wasn't really lonely. I was pissed that I had been replaced so easily. It happens. But I just wasn't prepared for the onslaught of grief. So once I was able to separate the two emotions, I got stronger.

If there is ever a next time that I am tempted to drink, I am going to have a long talk with my ego before I take that first sip. If any of you have read my other post, you will know that it was NS who got me to see the difference. That's why her words were so powerful. She told me what I intuitively knew, but was too weak (and drunk) to acknowledge. Yuck. Never going back there.

Stay strong, everyone. Those relapses really do some damage.

[j-vo]

Alcohol is the Devil
Dear MWOer's,

I'm going to share my experience with you in hopes that I help someone, give someone hope, demonstrate the evilness of alcohol and what it can do to us. Alcohol works with the devil. They are in it together to try and destroy all that is good in people. Alcohol and the devil almost took my life last weekend. I could have died from a neck injury, could have lost everything and everyone I love.

Once I started drinking the poison, yet once again, right before thanksgiving, I spiraled quickly to the drinking levels that I'm accustomed to. There was no moderation. There was never a chance. But when I drink alcohol, bad things happen. I get hurt. I hurt others. And that's what happened.

Sunday evening, I drank and drank. My son came home, and I was in bed. He told me he was home and I acknowledged it. I got up after he went to his bedroom, started downstairs, and tripped over the doggie gate we have on the steps. I always just walk over it and never move it. I tripped over it, fell down the steps, and hit my head on the hardwood floor. I sustained many bruises, and I'm sure a concussion.

My son heard my fall, came downstairs, started screaming for my husband. They said I lay at the bottom of the steps gurgling with my eyes open, unconscious. They called 911 and my son explained in detail what I looked like. While they waited for ambulance, they poured water in my face and I came to.

Ambulance arrived, and knew I was intoxicated. They questioned my husband and son, and they told them what they could. They took me to the ER and gave me a CT scan. Luckily I was ok. Luckily I had not broken my neck.

The pain of embarrassment, the pain of hurting and scaring my son and husband is almost unbearable. The pain of alcohol and the devil has gotten me for the last time.

My son, whom we had a talk with, I wrote several letters to, still is talking to me minimally. He told me I have one more chance. One more chance to have him in my life, if I don't drink alcohol. I will take this chance and know it's a gift. A gift to live a sober life, to gain the respect and integrity I've lost, that the devil has taken from me. I hope that with time, my son will be my son that loves me. Not the one I see with empty eyes. That doesn't reciprocate when I try to hug him.

Thank you for listening, and please, don't drink. If you're here on MWO, you should not drink. Don't lose your loved ones and yourself to the devil.

[Sunbeam]

J-Vo, your story touched my heart. I am glad you are here, surrounded by understanding and forgiveness. This will carry you to success.

[lifechange]

bump

[Pie]

I have been thinking about what has happened to me and thought I'd put it here. When I first joined this site (in 2008 for goodness sake!), like others have posted here, I thought I could moderate and did not realize that this was not possible. I abstained for 30 days once with the intention after that to moderate. Then slowly but surely (actually not that slowly) worked back up to daily over-drinking and feeling like crap more days during the week than not and came back to MWO. Again, never thinking of stopping completely FOR GOOD. So I stopped for something like 45 days. And once again, with the intention to moderate, started drinking again. And again, got back to drinking way too much way too often and of course, daily drinking. And eventually got sick and tired of being sick and tired and got back on here. This latest time, in February of 2014. And I stopped. And I didn't really have a plan I just knew I had to stop.

I was doing great. It wasn't easy in the beginning AT ALL, but it got easier and easier over time and just a couple of months in I remember being shocked at how my habits really seemed to have changed and instead of looking forward to that glass of wine when I got home, I was now looking forward to that nice cup of tea to unwind with. And months went by. I had moments, and took everything one day at a time. But overall it was going great. I passed 8 months. WOW!

Then, on day 270 (the weekend before thanksgiving) we had company over to our house. We had four empty wine glasses sitting on the counter. My intention was to fill my glass with seltzer and cranberry. But I hadn't done that yet. We were all talking, and the couple we had over did not know that I had stopped drinking. They were pouring the wine for dinner and poured my glass. Without much of a second thought I took it and drank it! Looking back, I could not believe that after all this time, this could happen so easily. I even had another glass knowing perfectly well exactly what I was doing that time! That was all I had and I didn't drink anything else but on Thanksgiving, I drank again. Too much this time.

I haven't had a drink since Thanksgiving.

So what happened, after 270 days?

1) Looking back, I realize that I had been thinking more and more about drinking and how I might be able to control it now. Just like you always hear about. And even though I know better, and I knew better, these thoughts were there and coming more and more frequently. That little seed of a thought was there and all it needed was someone to give me a drink to try it out.

2) I had been talking with a friend who is an alcoholic, was sober for five years, and had a relapse this year but had stopped drinking again. She was right around day 100. She was going on a cruise and was talking about how she felt like she wanted to drink when she was on the cruise. I told her she knew better and remember how hard it was to quit this latest time, etc. etc., drinking was really not worth it - what's the point if you think you're only going to have one, etc, etc, and then in the next breath, I said, "but I was never really that bad so I really don't know much about this anyway". Yep I said it! Wow, you hear about it and then it happens and you are such a cliche but these things are so true, there is a reason you hear about it over and over.

3) I had been thinking about the upcoming holidays and feeling deprived.

Those are the three main things that I can see now that were happening, these thought processes, that I think left the door open and when that wine was poured for me, this door was open just enough that I went ahead and pushed it wide open and drank that wine.

What now? Well, now I find that I am thinking about drinking way more often. Just like when I first quit. These thoughts had all but gone away. So also, all that talk you hear about quitting being so much easier than moderating because when you moderate you are always and constantly thinking about when you can have that next drink, etc. - it is truly just so so so much easier to leave it off the table. Not that I'm thinking about moderating, but the thoughts intensify immediately after that first drink. It's not like I went back to where I was on day 270. I now think about how I'd really like a glass of wine to unwind. Instead of that nice cup of tea. So though I didn't want to think of it that way, I literally have gone back to day 1 as far as my mental state and how I think about drinking.

I'm not going to let myself fall back. I know it would happen, there is no way I can just drink 'once in awhile' and I am not going to try it. I said on the newbies nest recently that I like to call it a 'slip'. It definitely wasn't a situation where I have gone full on back to drinking daily, etc., but what it has done, is set me back mentally. Significantly.

So here I am, on Day 14, starting over and praying that I am successful this time.

For any of you who are having more and more of those lingering thoughts - please be careful and conscientous. They are not to be taken lightly.

Thank you, Frances, for sharing your experience. I've been having similar thoughts, and didn't recognize them as especially dangerous, until you spelled it all out. Returning mentally to day one would be devastating. Looks like I have some work to do.