Relapse in Retrospect

[Byrdlady]

Alcohol is the Devil
Dear MWOer's,

I'm going to share my experience with you in hopes that I help someone, give someone hope, demonstrate the evilness of alcohol and what it can do to us. Alcohol works with the devil. They are in it together to try and destroy all that is good in people. Alcohol and the devil almost took my life last weekend. I could have died from a neck injury, could have lost everything and everyone I love.

Once I started drinking the poison, yet once again, right before thanksgiving, I spiraled quickly to the drinking levels that I'm accustomed to. There was no moderation. There was never a chance. But when I drink alcohol, bad things happen. I get hurt. I hurt others. And that's what happened.

Sunday evening, I drank and drank. My son came home, and I was in bed. He told me he was home and I acknowledged it. I got up after he went to his bedroom, started downstairs, and tripped over the doggie gate we have on the steps. I always just walk over it and never move it. I tripped over it, fell down the steps, and hit my head on the hardwood floor. I sustained many bruises, and I'm sure a concussion.

My son heard my fall, came downstairs, started screaming for my husband. They said I lay at the bottom of the steps gurgling with my eyes open, unconscious. They called 911 and my son explained in detail what I looked like. While they waited for ambulance, they poured water in my face and I came to.

Ambulance arrived, and knew I was intoxicated. They questioned my husband and son, and they told them what they could. They took me to the ER and gave me a CT scan. Luckily I was ok. Luckily I had not broken my neck.

The pain of embarrassment, the pain of hurting and scaring my son and husband is almost unbearable. The pain of alcohol and the devil has gotten me for the last time.

My son, whom we had a talk with, I wrote several letters to, still is talking to me minimally. He told me I have one more chance. One more chance to have him in my life, if I don't drink alcohol. I will take this chance and know it's a gift. A gift to live a sober life, to gain the respect and integrity I've lost, that the devil has taken from me. I hope that with time, my son will be my son that loves me. Not the one I see with empty eyes. That doesn't reciprocate when I try to hug him.

Thank you for listening, and please, don't drink. If you're here on MWO, you should not drink. Don't lose your loved ones and yourself to the devil.

Thinking of you, J-vo. B

[NoSugar]

Bump

[jane27]

Bump

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Great thread, a 'must' read and revisit. Thank you to everyone who posted their personal story.

[lifechange]

Bump

[All done drinking]

Note: I may have posted in the wrong area as I was looking for a thread of serious AFers and read a post that made me want to post here. Didn't realize it was relapse stories but hopefully you'll find what I have worded interesting as it does apply to relapse prevention. Here goes:

This was such a good thread that a new one did not need to be created as I think there are some really important postings here for others to read. As they say in AA: be wary of (stinkin' thinkin') as it seems to get many of us after time has passed with choosing the sober life. That little voice that goes..."go on, you can have a drink, just one won't hurt you" or the famous one as we observe others who appear far drunker that we ever were, "I was never THAT bad". "If they can drink, I can surely have one or two". Well, here is why I have finally determined why I cannot drink, after I have read many books and have done a lot of research on this crazy disease.

With all of the reading I have done, alcoholics process alcohol differently. When we drink alcohol our liver breaks it down into a poisonous chemical called acetaldehyde. Non alcoholics can quickly turn it into acetate (which is the next step in eliminating this poison). For non alcoholics the body functions this way: "poison in - poison out." For people with problems, our bodies break the acetaldehyde too quickly and turn it into acetate (that eliminates it) too slowly. So, we are stuck with that poison in our liver far longer than anyone without a problem. So, people with drinking problems have an abnormal metabolism of alcohol and how in the world do you fix that? I can't, and moderating doesn't fix it for me. I guess different variables create a different effect on me (food, exercise, sleep, stress) as I can control it just fine sometimes, and not at all at other times. It has just become too big a risk of not knowing when I'll be ok to drink and when I won't.

I have never gotten to this point of saying "I'm all done drinking" since I've started working on this problem that I am finally admitting I have. I have just failed repeatedly at moderating, so I am now committed to saying I am all done drinking and will use every avenue I can to stay that way.

So when you hear that little voice..."come on, you can just have one drink!" remember to ask yourself the key question: are the downsides worth the upsides? It got to a point that for me personally, they weren't. Therefore I am All Done Drinking and happy to be that way. Am on a successful day 10 and have made it through 2 week-ends which have always been my biggest downfall.

Fondly, :love:
Addy

[Sunbeam]

Hi Friend! So glad to see you here, moving on with your life. You will love your new life, I promise. I mostly post on the gratitude thread, sometimes on the 100 days thread under Long Term Abstinence. I am so happy to be approaching 3 years AF, with no regrets, no looking back. Take care.

[All done drinking]

Relapse reasons

1) Looking back, I realize that I had been thinking more and more about drinking and how I might be able to control it now. Just like you always hear about. And even though I know better, and I knew better, these thoughts were there and coming more and more frequently. That little seed of a thought was there and all it needed was someone to give me a drink to try it out.

2) I had been talking with a friend who is an alcoholic, was sober for five years, and had a relapse this year but had stopped drinking again. She was right around day 100. She was going on a cruise and was talking about how she felt like she wanted to drink when she was on the cruise. I told her she knew better and remember how hard it was to quit this latest time, etc. etc., drinking was really not worth it - what's the point if you think you're only going to have one, etc, etc, and then in the next breath, I said, "but I was never really that bad so I really don't know much about this anyway". Yep I said it! Wow, you hear about it and then it happens and you are such a cliche but these things are so true, there is a reason you hear about it over and over.

3) I had been thinking about the upcoming holidays and feeling deprived.

Those are the three main things that I can see now that were happening, these thought processes, that I think left the door open and when that wine was poured for me, this door was open just enough that I went ahead and pushed it wide open and drank that wine.

Frances,

This post was beyond excellent and I thank you for it. It was so spot on regarding relapse reasons. I relapsed many years ago after being sober for 7 years. My downfall (no MWO at the time for support) was quitting going to AA meetings due to a move from one state to another and I had been sober for 6 years by then so didn't think I needed the support anymore.

Honestly, I think we all need ongoing support whether it's here or somewhere else as those thoughts always want to creep back in that "things will be different this time" or "I've been sober for SO long and proved I can do it, I can drink just a little bit and stop this time". My relapse had more to do with my new Aunt through marriage thinking I was deprived rather than me feeling that way. She kept making statements like "I wish you'd just have a glass of wine with dinner with us and be a part of the celebration." yada yada. And yes, then those thoughts started to plague me..."I was never THAT bad a drinker" and on and on. The truth is, I was never a heavy drinker. My heavy was 4 and God forbid if I had 5 glasses of wine. The difference is I would be slurring and sloppy drunk on that amount as my body just doesn't process the stuff well. So, it wasn't the amount, it was what happened to ME when I drank it.

After too many years of drinking and then running into problems again and trying REALLY, REALLY hard to come here and to moderate (or try) I have made the decision to abstain again. I have been AF since July 16, 2015 and really, really am working hard to stay that way.

My name is Addy and I am all done drinking.

:welldone:Addy

[NoSugar]

Shambles agreed to have his posts added here

Thanks, Shambles!

Hi all, I'm Shambles, I'm a 45 year old from the UK. Been on MWO since last November, lurking at first before posting in January. I began drinking at a very early age (7) and despite that, managed to function pretty well. I was a so-called functioning alcoholic up until last November when, well, I stopped functioning. A series of events and a massive escalation in drinking (6-8 bottles of wine a day) led to me ending up in A&E which led to me being put in touch with the local drug and alcohol services and we worked out a reduction plan, with the proviso that if that didn't work, I'd do a medical detox.

Some of the things that led me to seek help: nearly losing my job, riding my motorbike under the influence on a daily basis and falling off so many times it was ridiculous (plus the cuts weren't healing), delirium tremens on a daily basis that weren't going away no matter how much I drank, riding to the 24 hour store at 3am to pick up more wine and having to drive with one hand over my eye so I could be sure which side of the road I was on, queuing up at the cashier and turning round to see 2 police behind me.

'Bit early for that isn't it, sir?'
'Oh, I work nights, I've just come off shift'
I must have reeked. How I got away with that I'll never know.

Anyway, you get the picture...throwing up wine in my mouth and swallowing it back down so as not to waste it. Not knowing who or what I was. But the reduction worked, and I had my last drink on Christmas Eve last year.

Things were amazing. These last months have been without a doubt the best of my life. I was for the first time in my whole life authentic, and I loved it. I was even able to go to parties and took pleasure in not drinking.

Then 3 weeks ago, I was at a wedding. It was just after the service, and everyone was drinking champagne, except me and another woman. I said I'd go and ask at the bar if they had any non alcoholic beer we could toast the bride with. She said, 'oh just get me a small something if not. They didn't, so I brought a half a shandy for the woman and a soda and lime for me. I brought the shandy back to her, she looked at me in disgust and said 'I'm not drinking that!' and flounced off.

I thought 'well fuck YOU then' and I drank it. That is all I remember about the wedding, but it switched something in me...I started drinking like a bastard, instantly straight back to my old levels. There was a fight, I insulted the bride's family. I remember nothing of this. The next day I somehow got myself back to London, drinking all the way. I missed work, didn't call in or anything. My girlfriend had alerted my little brother, he drove 3 hours to come and pick me up and bring me back to where my family live. Again, most of this is a blackout, but I managed to convince everyone that I could reduce again, except I couldn't. I was drinking more and more, and last Sunday I ended up in A&E again. I was psychotic, dangerous and suicidal. They were concerned enough to admit me and start me on Librium and intravenous Pabrinex. By Thursday, I was stable enough to be discharged.

Luckily I'm here writing this, as painful as it is to do. I really want to be able to stop anyone, even one single person from making the mistake I did. I had to be stopped from jumping out of a window.

The second quit was a quazillion (is that a word? It is now!&#128512 times harder than the first. Kindling is real. And it wasn't a steady climb back up to the drinking levels either...I was whacked straight back up to where I was before, as if the 8 months of quit never happened.

I had NO intention of drinking at that wedding. As I said, I'd been to lots of parties and got a real kick out of not drinking. Being AF is really really cool! (And the chicks dig it!&#128526
It just took a split second.

And it was the most deadly half a shandy I've ever had.

Thanks for reading, and, more importantly, thanks for being here, every single one of you.
It's great to have escaped.

Thanks everyone for your very kind words, non-judgement and support. It means so much to me.

I feel that I need to make this crystal clear though...for me it was one of the scariest parts of the whole experience. At no point was there a conscious decision to drink. I did not want to drink. I was really looking forward to attending my first sober wedding, and at social events before I got a real kick out of telling people I didn't drink. It was pleasant in a way to feel 'different' and certainly in the UK (at least in the parts I tend to hang around) not drinking is seen as a bit odd.

I know I wrote up there that I thought 'fuck it' and drank the shandy, but it was quicker than that. That was the scary thing, and I guess the message I want to get across. It was as quick as the reflex you have if you burn yourself....you pull your hand away before you're aware you've done it. The 'fuck it' came as it was going down my neck.

I want to make this as clear as possible because it just might help someone else realise how lightning-fast a relapse can be. I may as well have inadvertently stepped into a bear trap.

[shambles70]

Gonna post the next bit too...

...I'm feeling much better, thanks. Last day of my Librium regime tomorrow, and 9 days AF. I have a lot of rebuilding to do, inside and out. I destroyed large swathes of my life in a very short period of time, but that's the price I have to pay. I have a lot to be thankful for...a family that looked after me...my older brother died 3 years ago from alcohol...it must have been terrifying for them to see the state I was in but they came through for me. I have no doubt I would be dead now if they hadn't have intervened when they did...a doctor in the hospital who saw I needed immediate help and not just sending home with a referral to the drug and alcohol team for a follow up...a boss who has been so understanding....the support here....so much to be grateful for.
I'll say it again, and I'll keep saying it...there was no gradual increase, no trying to moderate and it gradually creeping up. A half a shandy, and I was instantly back in the hell I was in before my quit in December. If someone who's reading this doesn't know what that is, it's about 142 ml of 4% proof lager mixed with 142 ml of lemonade/sprite. Pretty weak huh? That's all it took to send me completely out of control.

That's all it took to nearly kill me.

[starty]

Around my 6th AL free anniversary I started drinking again. I now feel ready to look at why that happened.

My first 3-4 years sobriety were very supported by my activity on MWO. I also had quite a few friends from MWO that I would see in real life. This meant that recovery was ALWAYS in the forefront of my mind I guess. When people in my peer group started drifting off to pursue other aspects of their lives and I did too I think I lost sight of what was really important. I had been given a management position at work that was incredibly demanding. In fact the job I have been in for the last 4 years is unbelievably stressful. My pill usage really escalated in the past 3 years for both personal and professional reasons. Where I used to take them occasionally for mild stress I started to take them daily and was very quickly well and truly hooked. I justified my pill usage by saying that it didn't change my behaviour just took the edge off a little and of course no one knew.

As the months passed, the pills were not doing what they should and my usage increased dramatically. I was still not able to relax or lose that constant stress feeling. I was not posting on MWO, I was not really in touch with the people that I had met there and was not reading or really thinking about recovery any more. At my work they are big drinkers. Much younger than me and all loved to go out for a “session” Of course I began to feel I was missing out on something and along with the stress was looking for a quick fix.

I had tried to motivate myself into healthier habits like eating well, exercise, meditation but I guess ultimately I was feeling a bit lonely and lost. My brain was allowed to wander and tell itself that there was another thing I could do to relax, unwind and connect with others. Its soooooo stupid what we tell ourselves when our guard is let down. I have lived through horrific stress without resorting to drinking in my years of sobriety. My mum dying, being made redundant, my marriage going through a horrendous patch. All these things I came through without AL. However, in 2014 a bit of loneliness, a feeling of drifting and not having much purpose, tiredness and stress took me right back to the bottle.

I remember the day so well. Mr Starts and I were out walking the dogs. I out of the blue said “I want a beer” Hubby said no, you really don’t and I countered that I really did! Convincing him and myself that I was in total control and this time it would be different……Of course it never is. I would always be engineering visits to the pub, going out to lunch (in a pub) citing stress as to why I needed a bottle of wine in the evening. It got to the point where again, I was drinking in the morning, in my lunch break and every evening. Although I wasn't completely incapable I was putting so much away. Not that I didn't get incapable on a few occasions though. A work do was horrific and I embarrassed myself. I have fallen over with the dogs and hurt myself. All the time kidding myself I was in control!!! Of course the pills went through the roof. They simply were not working and I think I must have been spending in excess of £300 a month on all my addictions probably more. Every few months I would go through a horrible withdrawal from the pills and say never again. I would use AL to “help” me come off them which of course did not help and I was constantly in a battle of depression, anxiety and guilt. Another lie I told myself was that I couldnt give up both substances together. It would be too hard, so I figured the pills were the worst and AL would have to stay to keep me sane. I cannot believe that I was telling myself these things after such a long time sober!! I also felt that I would NEVER be AF again. I had kind of given up. I really thought it was too late….so what changed.

Well I met up with Chillgirl. She was here about 6 years ago and is still doing great. We have kept in touch on Facebook and seen each other from time to time over the years. I met her and told her I was drinking again. She was so very shocked. I didn't expect that. Also I heard myself telling her how it wasn't a big deal, how I wasn't drinking that much and how I was in control. She didn't believe a word of it although she didn't tell me at the time. I think meeting her, and talking about it was my catalyst and wake up call. When I met her I was about a month off the pills still feeling rubbish and quite depressed. I had been to the doctor who had increased my anti depressants a few weeks prior and I really couldnt see a way of feeling better. I even told the doc I was drinking too much but he didn't pick up on it.

So now, at two months off the pills (bar one week with toothache) and 5 weeks off the booze I am feeling soooooo much better and more hopeful that I have felt for a long long time. I am still VERY nervous of how my mind can change in an instant but I guess we all feel like that. The more distance I put between myself and ANY mind altering substances is going to be the key for me I think. However, I can never ever say I am out of the woods because those trees can come crashing down so very easily.

I do help that this might stop even one person from going down that rabbit hole again.......

[NoSugar]

Here's another thread on this topic that Addy started: https://www.mywayout.org/community/ge...ml#post1649369

[All done drinking]

NS,

Too bad there wasn't a "sticky" as I forgot you had this thread going. I think when I first discovered this thread, someone posted a new post that caught my eye so I posted here and forgot you had this particular theme going on already.

There are really, really good relapse stories here. The common theme of course is that after some time, so many start to believe that voice that they can suddenly "handle drinking now." Just a really good idea to come here or to the relapse prevention thread to strengthen our resolve not to pick up that first drink again. If we notice the pattern, everyone who did, ended up being remorseful and back on the hamster wheel again. There wasn't one happy posting about the fact that starting drinking again made anyone's life better.

~Addy

~Addy
'

[lifechange]

bump

[NoSugar]

Thanks for bumping this, LC. These stories would be great "required reading" :smile: for all of us as we go into what to many, for various reasons, can be a stressful time of year.