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    #1

    Feel so Defeated

    I have gained control of my drinking somewhat and have not gotten drunk in months. I have had a few glasses of wine a few times a week lately and don't beat myself up over it. It was not my goal to moderate as I know moderation is just an illusion and that eventually the old pattern will begin again. I am experiencing all the benefits of not drinking like improved sleeping, no more heart palpitations, lowered blood pressure, feeling ACE in the mornings but without the pride that goes along with it.

    It's like my ego is saying "You can beat this but you can't wear the T-shirt or get the prize." I also look like a failure to my adult children who know I am struggling with my drinking. They don't think I need to slow down but as you guys know, it's not about what others feel; it's about how we feel about ourselves.

    My adult son is a binge drinker and lately has had a new baby who is my life. I love being dead sober when he's around and taking care of him while everyone else drinks but what kind of message am I sending to my son if, at the end of the day, I pour myself a glass of wine as a reward for my good behaviour all day?

    My son's actions while drunk scare the crap out of me because he is borderline abusive with his partner and it's only a matter of time before something awful happens. Why am I self-sabatoging when the price to pay is so high?

    I feel so defeated as I am there; really there ... but I am keeping myself from being able to look inward and say, "Good job, you did it!". Do I hate myself that much that I must keep myself lacking in order to satisfy my blood sucking ego?

    So, while drinking is not a 'problem' any more (and we all know this is probably temporary), I can't hold myself up as an example to my children that sobriety can be achieved and that a good time can be had by a sober person.

    I need strength of character here.. I need to dig deeper than I've ever dug and reach for that extra drive and determination to get over this hump.

    I walk around sober all day and every evening and with the exception of a glass or two every few days, am living the life of the Sober Soul I want to be.

    I can't get the booze out of the house; hubby drinks.

    So close and yet so far.

    Any advice would be appreciated. :upset:
    "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
    Lao-Tzu
    Tags: None
    #2
    Feel so Defeated

    SoberSoul, there's really one thing that jumps out at me from your post here. AL is STILL in control of your life. Unless and until you get it out completely, it will continue to be..and as we all know here, it only gets worse. If you are able to just have one or two, then why not just have none? I tell you, the sooner you stop bullshitting yourself about controlling it the sooner you can have the life back that you are dreaming about.
    Leading by example for your son is critical, too... If you ever want to be able to help him you won't have a leg to stand on if you are in the throws of addiction, too.
    You can't see this while you are in it, but get yourself some distance between you and AL and you will see what it's doing to you. It's telling you black when you clearly see white. You want to stop but you can't. These are NOT signs of 'normal' drinkers...you wouldn't be here if that were the case. Head on over to the Newbie's Nest and get yourself on an AF path. Dig into the Tool Box and find the tips and coping skills to help you...see the results of continuing abusing drinking in the posts there. If AL is causing you a problem, then you have a problem with AL....getting rid of it is the best thing I've ever done for myself....I got ME back! I am the person I want to be as long as I stay sober. My husband drinks also, I ask him to keep his AL out of my space and he has no problem doing that.
    Sometimes, looking in that mirror is hard to do...but see what's really there, and not what you just want to see.....get AL out and you will not regret it. I fought this HARD for many years, and there is no winning against this opponent. AL is bigger than I am...Addiction is bigger than all of us. Once a pickle, never a cucumber.
    Come join us...we've never felt better!!! Byrdie
    All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
    Tool Box
    Newbie's Nest

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      #3
      Feel so Defeated

      Please do join us on the newbies nest. There are others in similar situations. Always something going on. And lots of support to overcome those urges.
      No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.

      Comment

        #4
        Feel so Defeated

        Sober soul, I am going to go another route. What if right now you are setting an example? You're showing your son that there is an alternative. That you can have a couple of glasses of wine and not get drunk and live a normal life. If deep in your heart you know this to be true then congratulations! You are a lucky one, I wish it were that way for me.

        If in your heart you know "a few glasses of wine a few nights a week" is really an underestimate, that's another story.

        Be truthful with yourself, look deep inside, the answers are there.
        Newbies Nest
        Toolbox
        My accountability thread

        Comment

          #5
          Feel so Defeated

          Hi Sobersoul,

          "I can't hold myself up as an example to my children that sobriety can be achieved and that a good time can be had by a sober person."

          I don't understand this. Why can't you exemplify that sobriety is achievable and enjoyable? Have a look at lots of the posts on this forum that prove exactly that. You also state that you "love being dead sober" for your grandkid. Well perhaps now it's time to draw a line in the sand and have no more damage from alcohol being innocently visited on him. If your son is likely to behave in a drunken and unstable way, perhaps the wee chap deserves to have a gran there who is totally sober and dependable. I wish you all the best and hope you follow the Beagle's advice and get yourself over to the newbies' nest.
          "I used to be on the guest list, but now I'm on the nest list!"

          Newbies Nest:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html


          Toolbox:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html

          Comment

            #6
            Feel so Defeated

            I just responded but lost it all. Feeling pretty crappy tonight. Not proud of my behaviour at all. I under-reported my drinks; it's less than two or three a few times a week; not more. I pour it and don't even drink it most of the time. Just pour it to prove to myself that I am a loser. I am always sober and usually having fun so my son sees the fun side of sobriety always. I guess I didn't explain myself well.

            Will try to find some hope on the boards. I did not drink (or pour myself one) tonight.
            "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
            Lao-Tzu

            Comment

              #7
              Feel so Defeated

              Ok you need to stop beating yourself up. Now. You need to be proud that although it's been tough you haven't given up, you're back here, you've gotten through day one and you're going to get through even if it's pissing you off or depressing you. You are a fighter. After the fight you can be all serene but for now get mad and fight. OK?
              Newbies Nest
              Toolbox
              My accountability thread

              Comment

                #8
                Feel so Defeated

                Well, 3June2013, maybe beating myself up is a good idea as my usual self-forgiveness routine has been backfiring. I appreciate the encouragement though.

                I just listened to some advice for the first time in my stubborn life. I read the first 5 pages of the toolbox and posted on the Newbies Nest. Why I've been so anti-tool box I have no idea: self-destruction again at work. Feeling new emotions like anger and sadness is different but the other fuzzy-happy me wasn't getting anywhere with true abstinence. So I'll be a little sad for a while and read, post, read, post.

                Thanks to all you ass-kickers. Tomorrow I'll read another five pages of the toolbox and re-read the first five. Nighty night.
                "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                Lao-Tzu

                Comment

                  #9
                  Feel so Defeated

                  Sobersoul, I need strength of character here.. I need to dig deeper than I've ever dug and reach for that extra drive and determination to get over this hump. . I dug deeper and now I'm 3 years sober, and believe me, if I can do it, anybody can. Rootin for ya.
                  Success is making yourself do the thing you need to do, when you need to do it, whether you like it or not.
                  If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Feel so Defeated

                    Thanks Nefer. So far so good. Not had a drink for 5 days now. I am feeling a little more optimistic.
                    "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                    Lao-Tzu

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Feel so Defeated

                      Toolbox? What toolbox?
                      There's a toolbox??

                      :H:H

                      I think you are so great Sober soul and I'm glad you're here and that I get to talk to you.

                      But....I am calling you out on the looser talk...anyone who can kayak and be one with those waves is forever brave and beautiful :huggy
                      On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                      *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                      https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Feel so Defeated

                        No alcohol , not drinking alcohol, total abstinence from alcoHELL is a million times easier than moderating or trying to imagine you are in control and the obsession and pain this causes.

                        Hope you manage to liberate yourself, being free although early days can be testing is the greatest thing you will give yourself.
                        Sober since 13th January 2012

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Feel so Defeated

                          Still not drinking and keeping my guard up. Third grandchild arrived today. Lots of great reasons to quit besides the obvious.
                          "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
                          Lao-Tzu

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Feel so Defeated

                            Sobersoul, still not drinking, fantastic. Congratulations on the 3rd grandchild to.
                            Success is making yourself do the thing you need to do, when you need to do it, whether you like it or not.
                            If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

                            Comment

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