What it feels like.

[Beaches]

What it feels like.

Macks, thanks for posting this it really makes me take a minute to look at myself and the way I treat others

When I want a drink, I want a drink..period. That is all I think about. If I can't have one I think about ways to get one and if anyone gets in my way I get angry.

Even when I'm not drinking I feel like a little kid and someone has told me no, even though that someone is me.

[Mrs Macks]

What it feels like.

---------Mr & Mrs Macks-------sign here !!


See you in the morning mum XXXX



p.s Adoption signed sealed and delivered, oh by the way we come as a bundle Gabby and Kathy are our big sisters XX

[gabby]

What it feels like.

:l Awww.....I have never been a big sister! How cool!
And Kath......hey sis. :h

[gabby]

What it feels like.

uhmmm.....quick question......what if Nancy isnt old enough to be me and Kath's mum? What'a we do then?

[gabby]

What it feels like.

Ya know Mr and Mrs Macks comin from your big sis here. I am so proud of you two the way you talk through things. And Lisa you are open to share in Macks road of recovery, you are so supportive and takin the walk with him even tho it isnt your walk. I love you both.

[Mackeral]

What it feels like.

LMAO...Too right Nancy is too young to be any of our parents...But i'm putting my foot down with a firm hand...We're going

In all seriousness..I had a real lump in my throat reading how people here suffer...I know how hard it is..Kate and Happy did nail it for me...But thats why i asked the question...Some people can say what they mean better than others..I know how i feel but putting it into words is a different matter.

Like Beaches said...When i want a drink...Nobody else matters..I am SO ashamed of that.....Lisa and the kids deserve better than that....I know i'm a good dad..a good husband...but only in patches...I want to be the man i visioned when i was a kid...shit, i want some innocence back...

I think Nancy saying she liked my honesty has dragged a bit more out...I dunno...I just want to be normal...and i want ME back.

[Mackeral]

What it feels like.

I know mate....Mike is it me or is it the older you get...the more you sound like your dad?

[Beaches]

What it feels like.

Yeah it seems those wise ass comments sometimes send me over the edge. Hey if you think that's who I am ....then that's who I will be.
That's no good. Everyday I think about who I want to be. Is that too far out of reach? I want to be the great mother, the great wife, the great everything. Then when things get too overwhelming I reach for the great drink. So frustrating.
My kids deserve better and that's what I think about each day. I want them to know me and not the mother who remembers nothing or breaks promises. When I was a kid that is what made me so mad. So mad. My father would promise these great trips or even just a car ride then NOTHING. It was like the conversation never happened. In an effort not to be like that I find that I promise nothing unless I am sure I can deliver. So is that better?

[Mackeral]

What it feels like.

YES Beaches...It is...I could have wrote what you just did...My brothers and i know my dads heart was in the right place but he promised us so much...That never happened...But i know if he could he would...

Thats the dangerous thing....When the kids ask you something after you have had a drink...

I try my best not to make promises to them i cant keep...Sometimes what the heart wants the wallet cant deliver.

[Beaches]

What it feels like.

Kate,
We do need to "love us a bit". Very hard to do sometimes when you are beating yourself up though. I have been there. I slipped bad yesterday and you would have thought that I was right back to my old self. I am not though. I need to remember the advice I give to others that I need to just pick myself up, dust off and get on with it. A slip is a slip and that's it!

Thanks Macks you know that I so admire you and Lisa. We can be better than our parents. We can. I will be. I will not forget all of the conversations with my kids only to have them roll their eyes at me when I don't remember. I will make promises and I will keep them. I will break this cycle for them!
Much love to you all!

By the way, I love my father with all of my heart.

[YoungAtHeart]

What it feels like.

I get pretty quiet, too. People ask me if I'm okay. I'm quiet so that I don't bite anyone's head off. The strain of dealing with cravings and other people's wants and needs becomes too much sometimes. Luckily, I don't have anyone telling me no but me, so I have no one to rebel against but me. Internally, I have either felt very proud or very cranky and deprived. Topamax really helps a lot with the cravings, and so does the kudzu and l-glut. I feel lucky to have it as a resource.

Oh, Nancy can adopt me, if she wants, but I am really of an age to be Nancy's younger sister. Are you sure you don't want an Auntie??

[landsharkman]

What it feels like.

I'm only on day 3, and I've been quiet for most of that time, except for the discussion I mentioned ina post yesterday.

Just doing a lot of reflection, internal soul searching and generally thinking. ABout how I've messed up a lot of the past, how I wish to move forward but most of all:

"how am I going to get through this?" ...

I think I'm not alone in this.

[Mackeral]

What it feels like.

Your not...I learn something new here every day...If you stick around...You will to..

BTW....Welcome to MWO...looking forward to getting to know you

[Beaches]

What it feels like.

LandShark, You are so not alone and you will "get through this"

We are all finding our way.

[rivergirl]

What it feels like.

Wow, Macks What a great post, Thank you so much. I get quiet, quiet and edgy and sad, Not really because I want a drink and feel deprived, - I think it is because I have always tended to be quiet and edgy and a little sad... alcohol made me happy and relaxed....during its good times - sloppy and nonsensical in its bad times. All the things about me that I was never content with are still there now - without the alcohol coverup.

Why though - why do I want a drink in the evening and then the next morning I am so happy I didn't have one? - Why is it always the evening that is so tough?