30 days???

[MDBiker]

30 days???

Morrison, it is obvious to me if I said it wasn?t the answer (and I am sure I did but I don?t remember it) it just goes to show you how little I know about recovery. I too have read the research on how many people don?t take it, or drink through it. I don?t think it is the answer for me, but I have no business deciding what is best for anyone else. Whatever works is the right answer. What I didn?t take into consideration was the ?human desire? factor.

You have truly shown that you have an attitude of doing whatever is necessary to not drink, and I salute you for that decision. I must tell you I was very concerned about you and your drinking patterns, since I too had been in a similar situation. I think at the point I was in when I decided to quit, I could not have taken Antabuse because I could not stop drinking. I don?t think I would have quit because of the drug (not taking it or drinking over it), and I was concerned that you would have the same problem. You know better than anyone else what you need, and I had no business telling you what to do.

Your punishment cannot be easy, but I glean from your post it has made you willing to do whatever it takes to get your life straightened out. You are making intelligent decisions and thinking about your future. You are right about my life being out of control. I was in charge of a wreck and continually causing more damage. I truly didn?t think my life mattered. Now looking back, I was deceived by the cloud of alcohol and the depression it was creating in my life. It appears you are past that point now and I am so happy for you. My life has gotten so much better since I quit; I have a hard time putting it into words. You have been AF long enough I am sure you know what I am talking about. Also, I am glad you finally have mood stabilizers which are working for you. That sometimes is hard to find and working through the options is a pain in the ass. You have overcome this obstacle too.

And not being around drunks is a biggie for me too. I have learned I really don?t like drunk people very much when I am sober. They just aren?t that funny or interesting. I would rather be with someone I can hold a decent conversation with.

You are doing so well, and I too live each day as it comes. I wish I had realized when I was younger that today is all I really have. I would have been a better and happier person. I do however thank God I was able to understand that one simple truth before I drank myself to death. I chose not to drink today, and that is the most important day for me. I like my life.

I could screw it up easily, but I have tried to put in safeguards to prevent me from losing my mind and drinking. (1) I have y?all to call before I take a drink. (2) I can pray for knowledge and direction. (3) I can come to this site and get help with my predicament. (4) I can read something spiritual if I feel the need to have a drink. And (5) I can make a list, on paper, of the pro?s and con?s of drinking today. This list of 5 things I need to have with me in my pocket in case I feel the need to have a drink today. Not things I need to have in my head, because when I am far enough gone to think I need to have a drink, I am not in my right mind enough to remember them. I need to have these written down and placed into my billfold so I can remember to get to them before I drink. I also have to add (6) If all these fail, get drunk. It is always an option I have to consider.

I am so glad to have you back Morrison. You deserve to have a good life and you are making that happen.

God Bless You,

:huggy

bear

[Niblet]

30 days???

Beautifully put Bear
Have a wonderful day everybody... I have to get my butt in gear.
Hugs,

[morrison]

30 days???

Bear, that is an excellent post, and I thank you for it. How are you doing with your worries? I find, although I'm feeling much better, I still create unnecessary stress for myself. I always worry about being confronted for past actions, and always feel guilty and ashamed. Will this ever go away? I pray to God to help me with this. I feel this is my biggest hurdle right now. I'm always remembering how much I screwed up a large part of my life. It is so frustrating. I stress about the future too. I get angry at myself for hurting people. And I wish I would have spent more time with the people that care about me. I hope this goes away, as I feel this is not productive. The logical part of my brain recognizes this is stupid thinking. But it's that damn voice. The damn noise that keeps popping into my head, and making me nervous and upset to my stomach. I've had the problem before I became a drunk, and drinking just exacerbated the problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel I'm not alone with this problem. I would venture to say, this feeling is a large part of the reason I've gotten out of control. I needed to escape NOW!! I new if I got drunk enough, those feelings would disappear. And I knew they would only stay away if I continued to stay drunk. I couldn't stand myself. I felt angry that I was this way. I felt betrayed by some power, some force that makes my mind spin a million miles per hour and not allowing me to chill out. I just want to be able to relax more, and take in the beauty of life, but that f***king noise just pops up over and over again. Have you found anything to help with this? I am praying, and just the act of doing that seems medicinal, but I fear I'm wasting time with this thinking. These feelings actually went away when I was prescribed Lithium a few years ago. It made me calm, but I had a lot of side effects. I do not want to take more pills. I wish there was a holistic way to combat this. The meds I take now are good, because I feel they keep me from flying off the handle, and making spontaneous decisions that hurt me. Like losing my temper, spending lots of money, and not thinking of the future. I think my last big hurdle is to some how let the past completely go. It seems impossible to me. Sorry for the long post. As usual, it always gets longer than anticipated. Thanks.

[bootcampbarbie]

30 days???

ah bear that was so very wonderful and truly thank you for that sweet part for me. thank you. i've been and am as i was reminded by a good friend i work with today. he and i had dinner last nite and he said wow you looked so tired i thought i'd have to carry you out. i said well getting up at 4 a.m. working two 14 hour days back to back. i'm a bit whooped. so i went to my other home here in so cal, got in jammies chatted with my girlfriend and went to bed at 830 then slept straight through til 5 a.m. blissful. and tonight i may go to bed even earlier. hahahahaa. this weekend i'm in broker crash course so i'm just pacing myself. i know i have a lot on my plate. but the one thing i have and have had since lenair is absolutely no desire to drink and no thinking about it either... just none and i'm so so very grateful. i'm so just grateful for the first peace i've ever had in my life. and i'm so very grateful to be off of that topamax too. phew....
luvbug i'm so happy you had the talks. i had a talk and well i didn't actually prompt it.. but it was someone who had hurt me deeply during this last year and i was still drinking not anywhere near what i used to but still i could see my insanity and i could see my friends. and it was really cool to see this amazing completion and peace come about out of what i thought was a really sad ending. i mean i prayed every day for my friend.
so more 2 see i knew that lushy would be really something special. i can't wait to see you and ol tex... i'm so looking forward to that and well lucky too. so much fun. i know i will be coming off of back to back work but it's going to be so very worth it to me.
well nibs i haven't caught up on posts as have no time to read. so sending you, db, and bird girl much love.
peace to you all.
bootsie.

[Cinders]

30 days???

Morrison,

I know exactly what you mean about the voices inside the head yammering away about guilt and feeling bad about the things you have done. I carry that baggage, too.

Hopefully those who have more AF time (shoot, in my case any af time?) can help us with that.

I, too, know about the self-disgust and self-loathing that comes from that guilt.

Sigh. I am right there with you, Morrison.

Love,
Cindi

[lushy]

30 days???

Morning! Popping in to say it was great fun meeting you too More2. She is darling and a lot of fun. If anyone has a chance to meet another MWO'er do it!! It really made my day.

Have a great day all!!

[bootcampbarbie]

30 days???

ah lushy you are so cute. i love the new outfit. smashing darling really smashing. well cindi you know you were working that 12 step program and it has a lot of beautiful things in it to release that shame blame and guilt. i used it for that a long time ago. and i must say that landmark forum was amazing for well cleaning up the past as well with one's self. in all i'd say i could spend the rest of my life worrying about yesterdays but had to come to peace so i could move on and live today..today is the day i want to be living not more yesterdays. so cleaning up my wreckage was a great start. forgiving myself and those around me, chosing who i wish to be with in life. chosing how i'm going to live mine. really getting what i will and will not put up with in my space and well, there you go...... standing on solid ground. wow, tis good. nothing like that... love to you

[Guest]

30 days???

WOW, sometimes we get so deep on here...ha ha Seriously, we all have guilt over things done, said, etc while drinking, gotta let it go and heal. LET YOURSELF HEAL.

CINDI...I slipped too after several months AF, start over. Don't beat yourself up, just start over. AND you are right, we can do this!!!!!

I feel good today. I think the meds are worked out, not sick anymore...anyway. Nibs...don't worry about my weight. I had gained ALOT while drinking. I am kinda happy to see myself looking like my old self again. Of course, my daughter hates it!!! I can ALMOST wear her clothes. I tease her that I am gonna get in her closet. She just can't stand that. My doc said Prozac tends to curve your appetite. (I may stay on it forever...ha ha).
LUV u guys

[MDBiker]

30 days???

Hello all. Morrison and Cindi, Barbi is right about AA having a good program for cleaning up the past. It has worked wonders for many people, but you have to be willing to go through the 12 steps. You really don't have to go to AA to do this, but hardly anyone will do it on their own; it is intrusive and revealing. As for me, I have come to the conclusion that everything happens for a purpose, and who am I to question God's plan. I am who I am today because of the fucked up things I have done while drinking for the last 40 years. I did have regrets at first, but I have tried to deal with them. Now I have to learn to do the next right thing when in the past I might not have. A good friend of mine who is in AA once told me "That shit really works, I am now sober; and I can't screw people over like I used to without feeling bad." He has a good point. I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I care about others and I care about me. I am still learning, but if I do screw someone over I try to go back and make amends with them as soon as possible to set it straight. I like you Morrison, do not need all that rubish from the past to be rattleing around in my head. It is not good, and I know how to eleminate it in my life.

Clean house, Don't drink, and help another drunk; that is AA in a nutshell.

I hope everyone had a great day.

:huggy

bear

[bootcampbarbie]

30 days???

wow, nicely put there bear. yes, well i have to say having done the steps and then more steps with landmark a whole lotta time that that shit works. lol and yes, i find it extremely challanging to stay righteous about something or on it about anything. i do respect people's wishes as much as i can... and the best part of all of this is that yes, without all of my past i wouldn't be here today and i'm happy to have had all of that to draw from for today. tis good. so i'm sitting at a private club, it's a sister club to mine. usually i'd be on my way through a glass of wine or at one of the mixers. but i'm actually enjoying a really nice hot apple cider and some cheese and crackers. couldn't get on the call i wanted to do with client. so am going to head back to the home and snuggle in and read so i can get up at 5 for work. i was thinking you know one thing is definitely for sure, i wouldn't be able at all to do this work if i wasn't sober not even close.... i'd be going to bed some nites about the time i have to get up. hahahahaha weds i'm up at 3 a.m. so i'm laughing as i realize wow, what a 180. who was i ...... hummmmmm i was a woman that was at the whim of that mechanism and i'm way happy to have it gone.

[bird]

30 days???

Sometimes I get all that shit rattling around in my head. It is not as bad as it used to be. I am trying to be aware of my thoughts and when that stuff starts up I think Oh its OK. Whatever it was I was thinking about it already happened and I think oh nobody is thinking about it but me, and if they are so what? And I try to get back to whatever I was doing and live in the moment. An example is the other night my kids posted on an online obituary thing for their friend, you could leave a message. I didnt read them before they posted and when I did later my youngest had wrote Happy Birthday. I was mortified and called the newspaper to get it deleted but they didnt know how and gave me a number to call but there was no answer. Anyway so it stayed on and later I was working in the yard and that shit starts driving me crazy and I just had to step back and say hey, its OK. People arent gonna hate us for it and they read it and forget it. They arent thinking about it over and over and I dont have to either. I realized it was my kids way of dealing with it, I know when Im mad she will smile and say Happy Birthday. So I went on with my yard work and just let it go. Nipping those thoughts in the bud as soon as they start to bloom, working it out, letting go. Thats what I'm trying to do. Well, I'm off to do laundry. Will check back this eve. love to all...bird

[Cinders]

30 days???

Bird,

Very good for you on dealing with the thoughts.

I think many of us drink to quiet those noises in our head.

Thank you for your post,
Cindi

[MDBiker]

30 days???

Woo Hoo, Another day without a drink. Every day is a blessing when I am AF. I have been out riding my new Yama-Harley. It is cold outside, but I just love riding a motorcycle. What a way to live, sober and on a motorcycle. Geez, I am giddy about it. Maybe I should check to see I took my meds today. ha ha.

I hope all of you are doing well. Seems quiet on the thread. Bird, rule #1. don't sweat the small stuff. Rule #2. It is all small stuff. Just think in 100 years on one will even care what stupid things we are doing today.

Love you guys,

:huggy

bear

[bird]

30 days???

Yeah sounds fun Bear. I am up so early one of the kids and the cat got in bed with me and then I couldnt get back to sleep. We have technology fair today all day one of my kids entered. Got an invite for my other kid to come play with her friend. I dont like going over there cuz Ive got drunk with th Mom a couple times. Ive never drank at her house cuz I wont drink away from home but I know it would be a bad trigger for me to go over there. My computer gets out of the shop today I will be glad to get it back...Came home yesterday and one of the goats had just had twins. They were just getting up and very wobbly and so cute. Well gotta go get ready for the fair. love to all. bird

[Guest]

30 days???

Goodmorning all. Brit had the pageant last night, we didn't win, but had a blast! It was fun spending the whole day with her. I thought several times....1 year ago I wouldn't have been in my right mind to do a pageant. I would have been off Friday afternoon and had to have a few drinks.
I agree with Bear...we gotta let the old stuff go away. You can't change it now. All you can do is try to live right.
OH Bird...you guys have fun, would love to see the goats, I bet they are so cute.
Bootsie, I have to say you sound great! Keep it up girl.