30 days???
Well, I typed a huge long post, and it disappeared! I hate it when that happens! Sorry I have been AWOL! I'm like More2, I've only been home here in Texas about 2 whole weeks since the holidays! We have been back and forth to Colorado, horse shows, and cont. ed. courses for the pharmacy and compounding business! I too have had a tough time lately, but am determined to climb back on the horse, sometimes '08 sneaks back up on me! I never told anyone but More2 and MA, but the awful year with all the deaths close to me, hurricane, etc., ended up with me being assaulted here at home when our helper wasn't in and out, or back and forth. We'd had workers around fixing the hurricane damage, tree people, all lots older for some reason, so the complete "act" wasn't done, but it was really scary, I just knew I was going to die. Was hit from behind, never saw them, I know its someone that had to be around here, cuz our 200lb mastiff would've never let them thru the gate. We live in the country, and the sheriffs dept., didn't even take fingerprints....had to go to hospital, have a rape kit done, it was as bad as the rest. Anyway, that's how my '08 ended up. I've had several meltdowns since....mostly knowing I had to come back from Colo. to the scene of the crime, or when I've gotten here and been alone. I did all my crisis center counceling in Colo., easier to come back to a safe place and with neighbors all around. Did acupunture for "balance", did hypnotherapy, there's alot more alternative and smart helpers there, than where we live in E. Jesus here in E. Texas... Needless to say, when I freak out, I drink too much, which makes things only worse....DUH. I think I got it all out of my system last week, and seriously got a family friend to come stay all day in the house with me so I wouldn't be alone, I was a mess last week, scared me to death. Hubby took off on Friday, and stayed with me, and we hauled ass to a horse show in La., won everything too, was with alot of friends, and I stabilized. I'm back on Prozac, that I haven't taken in years, and years, and back on the wagon, still determined as hell for this year to be our best ever! It's just that I still have "wig-outs" over the crap from before. I'm working on it, have lots of support and understanding, and I know I have that here too! I love you all....just wanted you to know why I've been away so much. We are probably and have been working on getting this big 'ol monster house in the middle of 27 acres ready to put on the market, I think we'll just build at the farm, down the road, where its not so isolated, and folks are in and out all day, plus, its right next to the school, etc. We've worked it out to be in Colo. for at least 12 days a month, so that gives me an "out" to look forward to. We'll move there eventually when the economy lets us "semi-retire"....lol..... I'm going back on the anatbuse too, this is day 3 totally AF, and I was afraid to start it any sooner, I think I had wine and champagne oozing thru my pores! Drinking too much doesn't help a thing, but I was medicating with it, I realize that, so its Prozac and anatbuse now....lol... I already feel more positive. My daughter totally doesn't understand, naturally she picked up on my speech pattern one day, and hubby says it wasn't even barely noticeable, and she's not speaking again. I've decided that her attitude, and her lack of unconditional love, isn't helpful at all, if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem. I forgave her too soon after her last outburst, half of which ya'll don't even know, from the day of the attack...anyway, she's never been abused, I know my drinking on occasion has been scary for her, and unfair to her for me to not be 100%, but I never neglected her, and even tho I know it was "abuse" on some level, she's been spoiled rotten. She has no idea, even at 23, what life can throw at you, and how it can affect you, and how you may react. It really hurts my feelings tho, because no matter what either of my children could do, I'd always support and love them, never "punish" them for something they didn't ask for to have to deal with, and esp. knowing the traumas of late I've had. I have to just pray about it, I asked God to put forgivenesss and compassion in her heart. She just doesn't want anything to do with me unless I'm "perfect".... I did go to kind of an outpatient alcohol counceling center within the crisis center in Colo. and learned alot. I told her, since she always "demands" I go to some treatment center, that I was going for 2 wks., and I just went to Colo. to do all my victims counceling etc. I didn't call her for the whole 2 wks., and told her I was ok when I was done. I have been really, as far as she knows, and we'd been fine, then she "thought I sounded weird", and hasn't called in a week, called my hubby and asked him what was wrong with me, and he told her I'd started taking prozac to handle things, that I was really stressed out since we'd just come home from Colo., and was scared home alone. She could tell I'd had one drink I guess, and that was it. No contact. I'm really hurt, but I have to Let Go and Let God to take care of me right now. I'm sorry for everyone having struggles, and proud for those that are hanging in! I'm in the middle right now I guess! Love you all.....tons and buckets!
Well, I typed a huge long post, and it disappeared! I hate it when that happens! Sorry I have been AWOL! I'm like More2, I've only been home here in Texas about 2 whole weeks since the holidays! We have been back and forth to Colorado, horse shows, and cont. ed. courses for the pharmacy and compounding business! I too have had a tough time lately, but am determined to climb back on the horse, sometimes '08 sneaks back up on me! I never told anyone but More2 and MA, but the awful year with all the deaths close to me, hurricane, etc., ended up with me being assaulted here at home when our helper wasn't in and out, or back and forth. We'd had workers around fixing the hurricane damage, tree people, all lots older for some reason, so the complete "act" wasn't done, but it was really scary, I just knew I was going to die. Was hit from behind, never saw them, I know its someone that had to be around here, cuz our 200lb mastiff would've never let them thru the gate. We live in the country, and the sheriffs dept., didn't even take fingerprints....had to go to hospital, have a rape kit done, it was as bad as the rest. Anyway, that's how my '08 ended up. I've had several meltdowns since....mostly knowing I had to come back from Colo. to the scene of the crime, or when I've gotten here and been alone. I did all my crisis center counceling in Colo., easier to come back to a safe place and with neighbors all around. Did acupunture for "balance", did hypnotherapy, there's alot more alternative and smart helpers there, than where we live in E. Jesus here in E. Texas... Needless to say, when I freak out, I drink too much, which makes things only worse....DUH. I think I got it all out of my system last week, and seriously got a family friend to come stay all day in the house with me so I wouldn't be alone, I was a mess last week, scared me to death. Hubby took off on Friday, and stayed with me, and we hauled ass to a horse show in La., won everything too, was with alot of friends, and I stabilized. I'm back on Prozac, that I haven't taken in years, and years, and back on the wagon, still determined as hell for this year to be our best ever! It's just that I still have "wig-outs" over the crap from before. I'm working on it, have lots of support and understanding, and I know I have that here too! I love you all....just wanted you to know why I've been away so much. We are probably and have been working on getting this big 'ol monster house in the middle of 27 acres ready to put on the market, I think we'll just build at the farm, down the road, where its not so isolated, and folks are in and out all day, plus, its right next to the school, etc. We've worked it out to be in Colo. for at least 12 days a month, so that gives me an "out" to look forward to. We'll move there eventually when the economy lets us "semi-retire"....lol..... I'm going back on the anatbuse too, this is day 3 totally AF, and I was afraid to start it any sooner, I think I had wine and champagne oozing thru my pores! Drinking too much doesn't help a thing, but I was medicating with it, I realize that, so its Prozac and anatbuse now....lol... I already feel more positive. My daughter totally doesn't understand, naturally she picked up on my speech pattern one day, and hubby says it wasn't even barely noticeable, and she's not speaking again. I've decided that her attitude, and her lack of unconditional love, isn't helpful at all, if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem. I forgave her too soon after her last outburst, half of which ya'll don't even know, from the day of the attack...anyway, she's never been abused, I know my drinking on occasion has been scary for her, and unfair to her for me to not be 100%, but I never neglected her, and even tho I know it was "abuse" on some level, she's been spoiled rotten. She has no idea, even at 23, what life can throw at you, and how it can affect you, and how you may react. It really hurts my feelings tho, because no matter what either of my children could do, I'd always support and love them, never "punish" them for something they didn't ask for to have to deal with, and esp. knowing the traumas of late I've had. I have to just pray about it, I asked God to put forgivenesss and compassion in her heart. She just doesn't want anything to do with me unless I'm "perfect".... I did go to kind of an outpatient alcohol counceling center within the crisis center in Colo. and learned alot. I told her, since she always "demands" I go to some treatment center, that I was going for 2 wks., and I just went to Colo. to do all my victims counceling etc. I didn't call her for the whole 2 wks., and told her I was ok when I was done. I have been really, as far as she knows, and we'd been fine, then she "thought I sounded weird", and hasn't called in a week, called my hubby and asked him what was wrong with me, and he told her I'd started taking prozac to handle things, that I was really stressed out since we'd just come home from Colo., and was scared home alone. She could tell I'd had one drink I guess, and that was it. No contact. I'm really hurt, but I have to Let Go and Let God to take care of me right now. I'm sorry for everyone having struggles, and proud for those that are hanging in! I'm in the middle right now I guess! Love you all.....tons and buckets!
eace:
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