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    #1

    Who am I kidding

    Hi ya all

    Sorry I've not been here lately, but had a turbulent week. Starting drinking over Easter weekend and everyday after that.

    Home life is not getting any better. Hubby just hasn't got time for me. So in boredom I turned to drink. Basically his life consists of going to work, coming home drinking and smoking cannabis. I can't speak to him during the evening without it turning into an argument and he leaves early to go work. We did have a good chat over the weekend and he promises to change but he doesn't. life is becoming non-existent due to everyday hangover's and been stoned. He blames that I work typical 9am-5pm but he works 7am-3pm. But then he won't even eat dinner with me.

    I know we were having problems before and I was to blame due to my drinking, but even without the drinking it has not made any difference and hubby is drinking everyday.

    Anyway last week I met up with a friend of mine who moved abroad about a year ago. We used to work together a few year ago and but depsite he has moved country we manage to keep in touch regularly. When I left that job we all went out for my leaving do and drunkenly he mentioned that he had a soft spot for me and if I wasn't married he would ask me out. It was awkward at the time but it didn't ruin our friendship and it was never mentioned after that. Now he's here and we've met I thinking about what he said and am wishing we had met earlier. We get on so well and have so much in common and he makes me laugh. I've always loved him as a friend but now there is a feeling which is slightly more than that.

    I'm married, I shouldn't be feeling this?..should I?
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    #2
    Who am I kidding

    Mandy, everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. Don't make any rash decisions. Look things over carefully. In your culture would it be acceptable for you to even leave your husband?. I am trying not to be to personal. I understand you feel alone. just be careful with your heart,
    hugs
    mary

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      #3
      Who am I kidding

      Simeybear

      You are correct. It is harder in my culture to accept me leaving my husband, but not impossible. Just means I'd be cut out from the "community".

      Don't get me wrong I'm not thinking of jumping into bed with my friend. I do not want to ruin our friendship. Besides I do love my husband, but just not as I did before as I'm not getting that love back.

      Comment

        #4
        Who am I kidding

        Mandy,
        Have you ever noticed that the grass is greener over someone's septic tank?
        I don't even know if you have them there but a septic tane hold all household seweage.
        Now, Honey, the reason the grass may look greener is.........
        there is a lot of s_ _ t under there.
        Everybody has problems and changing "hubbys (septic tanks) won't solve all our problems.
        We have to work on finding out why we are not happy from within ourselves.
        You could change hubbys everyday and not figure it out.
        Work on you. Do some thinking about deep stuff. There are some good books out there to help you start your search.

        Love yourself first....
        :l NAncy
        "Be still and know that I am God"

        Psalm 46:10

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          #5
          Who am I kidding

          Nancy

          Could you name any books that might be a help to me. I wouldn't know where to start.
          Thanks

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            #6
            Who am I kidding

            Sorry for the added troubles...will be thinking of you

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              #7
              Who am I kidding

              Mandy, I don't think for a minute you would hop into bed with your friend. I just know what it feels like to be lonely in marriage. I have been married 3 times. If you can make your marriage work that would be wonderful. But if you feel hurt and neglected and your husband really dosen't want to be active partner it's incredibly hard. I just want you to know I know how you feel
              Mary

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                #8
                Who am I kidding

                Mandy,
                I've been right where you are. The worst thing you can do is listen to that voice. I listened to a man who flattered me and made me feel special, attractive,sexy, all that stuff. Since he made me feel so good my subconscious began to build a case against my husband. My husband wasn't perfect but my mind started making him all bad and the other man all good. It wasn't reality. That doesn't mean you and the friend aren't feeling real attraction it means you can't think clearly right now because you have this outside influence. You want to feel the way this guy makes you feel because you've been in need emotionally, physically, etc. You need to decide what you really want and need for you alone. For sure, you can't go on like this for long. I went to counseling and eventually my husband and I divorced. I didn't live happily ever after with the other guy, by the way.

                I'm now very happily married to a wonderful man and he is why I'm here. I'm here because he deserves more than to live with a person who can't remember what we talked about the night before because I drank too much wine.

                Now that you are AF you deserve more as well. So, I hope you can work it out. Maybe he doesn't realize how desperate you are feeling. Don't make a snap judgment but don't wait so long it drags you down either. Talk to a professional, sometimes it only takes once.

                I'll be thinking of you.
                If I ruin my body where will I live? :ranger

                Comment

                  #9
                  Who am I kidding

                  Hi
                  Mandy well i think stopping the drinking for a while gives you chance to get a clearer head on your life. Why not concentrate on getting healthy for a while ?
                  You know deep down there are problems in your marriage and obviously your hubby does too...you cant change his behaviours as you well know HOWEVER maybe he will jump on board with you for a while with the healthier life style??

                  would he go for a week or 2 of no booze/cannabis along with you??

                  It would certainly give you no hiding place from any relationship problems..sometimes they have to be faced up to and can be sorted.

                  i found since cutting the booze way back (both of us) and developing a healthier lifestyle we are more contented together.
                  All sorts of insecurities are hidden behind a bottle of wine..crazy really!Because without the plonk so many things are better....conversation, sharing a meal, sharing a walk, hobbies, weekends away...sports..whatever you enjoy........and for me a personal problem of being sober at bed time ..has proved to be fantastic and memorable( no more naughty talk!!)..why did i ever think it was more attractive to crash into bed sloshed???/

                  Anyway this meandering point is..maybe there is something to salvage from your marriage that will be helped by a more sober mind???I bet hubby isnt happy either..he cant be can he? considering the state of his need to be "out of his mind" so regularly.

                  I have a strong faith that has helped me..maybe you have someone to share honestly with..maybe on this site if it feels safer and more confidential..My hope is that you dont run into this other chaps arms yet as you are just at the start of thinking about yourself and what you need to do with your life to gain healing, contentment , self respect...enjoy the journey with "My way Out"

                  good luck Cassy

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Who am I kidding

                    Well, I'm not sure what to say here...but in rehab we were told to not even think about starting any sort of relations for 6 months to a year after getting clean. They said it takes a year before you head is clean. Just FYI

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Who am I kidding

                      Mary:
                      I am so sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to clarify that I feel more than just friendship for this guy, but not for sex more so for the attention and when he gives me a hug when we meet up I feel safe for a while. I sit next to my husband and never get any of that, unless it means he will get something in return and usually it's "wham, bam, thank you ma'am


                      Rottrod:
                      If it wasn't for cultural issues, I would have suggested a trial separation. It doesn't help that my parents disowned me 3 years ago as again, I could stay with them for a little while without the gossips with the community. If I was to leave (it's his and his mother house) it will mean staying at friends or distance family. Maybe when my friend goes back I might just realise it was just an infactuation. But as you suggested counselling is something I will consider as I need to deal with the underlying issue's with my husband first.


                      Cassy
                      I've also noticed that when we were both drinking we had more communication between us albeit via arguments and then making up. Now it's like we live together but separate lives. I have spoken to him about his cannabis intake, but he always brushes it under the carpet. He's been smoking it for about 14 years now. With the alcohol he said he wants to give it up during the week and just drink on the weekends, but then everyday he carries on as usual. Another "shit" day is his excuse. I'm not sure if he is prepared to give up cannabis as his argument is for me to give up cigarettes and I haven't got the willpower to do that. Not as I trying to be AF.
                      I have a friend who I can trust but I feel more confident to say how I feel here?.maybe because of the anonymity.

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