I have an addiction to alcohol and have been aware of this for close to five years. I have been drinking almost daily for ten. I have tried to quit numerous times in the past with 30 days being the longest period of abstinence I’ve reached and only the once. I’ve gone a week, a few weeks but never past the thirty day mark.
My body size is small and my drinking is minimal compared to many but deep in my soul I know that I have a problem; whether it is physical or emotional. For many years I have used the fact that my consumption, though almost daily, is somewhat controlled. I do have a stopping point and often only have two or three glasses of wine in a sitting. But occasionally I drink with wild abandon and suffer the consequences. I’ve experienced the early signs of bodily damage in the form of heart palpitations, broken blood vessels in my eyes and nose and high blood pressure not to mention the inevitable three a.m. remorse fuelled sleep interruption.
Drinking and especially not drinking has been on my mind for years and has prevented me from moving forward with many of my goals. Whether I am an alcoholic or not is not as important as how alcohol impacts my life. Some close family members are or have been alcohol dependent and I’ve seen firsthand and felt whole heartedly the destruction over-drinking routinely creates. I am aware of alcohol’s firm but, hopefully, tentative hold on me.
Within the context of attempting to stop drinking, I’ve run the modern gamut in making and breaking promises. I’ve created, faithfully posted to and eventually abandoned blogs highlighting my abstinence plans and hopeful booze-free life. I’ve committed to thirty days A/F alongside online chat room members and faded away from e-visibility for months at a time after tripping up again and again. I’ve changed my user name on my favourite online support group to escape the embarrassment of constantly breaking my non-drinking resolutions.
Imagine being on one’s deathbed and being asked, “Grandmother, what did you spend your life doing?” How desperately sad it would be to have to answer, “I spent most of my life trying to find myself beneath the vague oblivion of a glass of wine.” Over the past ten years, I have been unmindful of the reaching out of friends and family, to opportunities to connect deeply with people. I have been vague and contradictory in my commitment to enact positive change in my life and in the lives of those I love in order to appease my need to sit at home and drink.
For the past few years I have been actively seeking spiritual consciousness and a healthy, soulful life while, at the same time, sabotaging any hope of becoming remotely present. I am eons away from nearing a state of serenity, let alone enlightenment, due to my habit of chasing oblivion in the crimson depths of a wine glass.
Since I’ve considerably cut down my alcohol consumption, I’ve noticed my budding spiritual self peeking it’s hesitant head out. Some items on my bucket list are now, albeit, sporadically, accomplished. However, I feel that if I continue with my ‘controlled’ drinking I will ultimately miss the opportunity to unearth my vital calling in life. And, like most of us, I feel I am here for a reason.
I accept that, although there are so many obvious benefits to total abstinence, there will also be pain, isolation, vulnerability and self-doubt. Avoiding alcohol consumption has nothing to do with willpower. It has more to do with willingness; willingness to trade discomfort for salvation; salvation from living outside my true self and from the gradual obliteration of my soul. I believe the willingness to suffer in exchange for gaining truth and an authentic life is the greatest gift I can give myself.
It’s time to give up the false notion that it’s acceptable to live this way. It is purely wasteful to exist in a life half lived, to hide behind the mask of unconsciousness and to be so much less than I am capable of. I will face the fear of failure, of disapproval, of being judged for being a non-conformist. All of these fears can be summed up to encompass one great fear: the fear of separateness.
I am hopeful that facing and even living within my fear, will gradually erode it and eventually extinguish it. Without the burden of fear, perhaps my heart will open wider to let the exchange of human loving kindness circulate unobscured. Once the spiritual healing begins and, with the proverbial monkey off my back, I will be able to move towards my root goal of living a life of consciousness, presence and grace. With this milestone entrenched in my day to day living, my true self just might be vulnerable and open to hear our Creator’s whispered insights and plans for me.
Through genuine and virtual friends who are in long-term recovery, I have learned that it may take many months, if not years to achieve a state of serene comfort in my new, raw existence. There will be no filter to hide behind, no off-button to push when emotional discomfort arises. I will use whatever tools are available to search for fellowship and coping mechanisms in my abstinence journey. Learning to live life naked, exposed and present could very well prove to be the apex of my time here on earth; the turning point in my spiritual path. Time will tell.
Cravings will come and will have to be dealt with using recognition, acknowledgement, patience and reason. My biggest obstacle will be the unconsciousness of my mind. I will have to practices self-forgiveness, acceptance of my past mistakes and my current weaknesses. Recovery cannot exist in the same soul space as self-hate. The two don’t bode well as bedmates.
I will resist appeasing those who would have me drink so they are not alone. I will not explain or promote my abstinence to any except those who inquire. I will fake self-assurance until it becomes my reality. I have learned that to fake is to eventually feel. We are a product of and responsible for, not only our actions but, also our thoughts. We have the innate ability to stop the negative, self-righteous voice of the ego simply by acknowledging it’s presence. Ego is not who we are but, in reality, it is the sum of our regrets and fears; regret for our past missteps and fear of the daunting, unknown future. We can’t change our past and the future doesn’t yet exist. We, therefore, can only find equanimity in the here and now. Without the routine internalization of ego’s murmured reminders of our insecurities, past injustices, perceived failures and human weakness, we open ourselves to life as the whole, tender, contemplative souls that we are at the core of our being.
Meditation helps ease us through the process. Taking the time daily to simply be, to consciously exist in the present moment acutely aware of the breaths that sustain us serves to ground us in our selves; in who we truly are in union with nature and our fellow human beings. With this ongoing practice we no longer feel separate but gradually begin to feel part of a larger whole. I will learn this practice.
I know all this, yet, I will struggle with this commitment. Anxious self-doubt and even denial will endeavor to erode my abstinence pledge. Ego loves a drinking habit. He reigns fully when our physical and emotional senses are obscured by the veil of substance use. We are easy to control when we are not fully conscious. It’s time to wake up, to remain alert and to feel again.
What is different this time? The knowledge I have accumulated from reading, listening and searching for understanding of my addiction combined with the honest acknowledgement of the fractured life I am living has pushed me to begin this earnest fight for my soul’s salvation. Others have gone before me, fought the good fight and won.
Why can’t I .....
Humbly,
My body size is small and my drinking is minimal compared to many but deep in my soul I know that I have a problem; whether it is physical or emotional. For many years I have used the fact that my consumption, though almost daily, is somewhat controlled. I do have a stopping point and often only have two or three glasses of wine in a sitting. But occasionally I drink with wild abandon and suffer the consequences. I’ve experienced the early signs of bodily damage in the form of heart palpitations, broken blood vessels in my eyes and nose and high blood pressure not to mention the inevitable three a.m. remorse fuelled sleep interruption.
Drinking and especially not drinking has been on my mind for years and has prevented me from moving forward with many of my goals. Whether I am an alcoholic or not is not as important as how alcohol impacts my life. Some close family members are or have been alcohol dependent and I’ve seen firsthand and felt whole heartedly the destruction over-drinking routinely creates. I am aware of alcohol’s firm but, hopefully, tentative hold on me.
Within the context of attempting to stop drinking, I’ve run the modern gamut in making and breaking promises. I’ve created, faithfully posted to and eventually abandoned blogs highlighting my abstinence plans and hopeful booze-free life. I’ve committed to thirty days A/F alongside online chat room members and faded away from e-visibility for months at a time after tripping up again and again. I’ve changed my user name on my favourite online support group to escape the embarrassment of constantly breaking my non-drinking resolutions.
Imagine being on one’s deathbed and being asked, “Grandmother, what did you spend your life doing?” How desperately sad it would be to have to answer, “I spent most of my life trying to find myself beneath the vague oblivion of a glass of wine.” Over the past ten years, I have been unmindful of the reaching out of friends and family, to opportunities to connect deeply with people. I have been vague and contradictory in my commitment to enact positive change in my life and in the lives of those I love in order to appease my need to sit at home and drink.
For the past few years I have been actively seeking spiritual consciousness and a healthy, soulful life while, at the same time, sabotaging any hope of becoming remotely present. I am eons away from nearing a state of serenity, let alone enlightenment, due to my habit of chasing oblivion in the crimson depths of a wine glass.
Since I’ve considerably cut down my alcohol consumption, I’ve noticed my budding spiritual self peeking it’s hesitant head out. Some items on my bucket list are now, albeit, sporadically, accomplished. However, I feel that if I continue with my ‘controlled’ drinking I will ultimately miss the opportunity to unearth my vital calling in life. And, like most of us, I feel I am here for a reason.
I accept that, although there are so many obvious benefits to total abstinence, there will also be pain, isolation, vulnerability and self-doubt. Avoiding alcohol consumption has nothing to do with willpower. It has more to do with willingness; willingness to trade discomfort for salvation; salvation from living outside my true self and from the gradual obliteration of my soul. I believe the willingness to suffer in exchange for gaining truth and an authentic life is the greatest gift I can give myself.
It’s time to give up the false notion that it’s acceptable to live this way. It is purely wasteful to exist in a life half lived, to hide behind the mask of unconsciousness and to be so much less than I am capable of. I will face the fear of failure, of disapproval, of being judged for being a non-conformist. All of these fears can be summed up to encompass one great fear: the fear of separateness.
I am hopeful that facing and even living within my fear, will gradually erode it and eventually extinguish it. Without the burden of fear, perhaps my heart will open wider to let the exchange of human loving kindness circulate unobscured. Once the spiritual healing begins and, with the proverbial monkey off my back, I will be able to move towards my root goal of living a life of consciousness, presence and grace. With this milestone entrenched in my day to day living, my true self just might be vulnerable and open to hear our Creator’s whispered insights and plans for me.
Through genuine and virtual friends who are in long-term recovery, I have learned that it may take many months, if not years to achieve a state of serene comfort in my new, raw existence. There will be no filter to hide behind, no off-button to push when emotional discomfort arises. I will use whatever tools are available to search for fellowship and coping mechanisms in my abstinence journey. Learning to live life naked, exposed and present could very well prove to be the apex of my time here on earth; the turning point in my spiritual path. Time will tell.
Cravings will come and will have to be dealt with using recognition, acknowledgement, patience and reason. My biggest obstacle will be the unconsciousness of my mind. I will have to practices self-forgiveness, acceptance of my past mistakes and my current weaknesses. Recovery cannot exist in the same soul space as self-hate. The two don’t bode well as bedmates.
I will resist appeasing those who would have me drink so they are not alone. I will not explain or promote my abstinence to any except those who inquire. I will fake self-assurance until it becomes my reality. I have learned that to fake is to eventually feel. We are a product of and responsible for, not only our actions but, also our thoughts. We have the innate ability to stop the negative, self-righteous voice of the ego simply by acknowledging it’s presence. Ego is not who we are but, in reality, it is the sum of our regrets and fears; regret for our past missteps and fear of the daunting, unknown future. We can’t change our past and the future doesn’t yet exist. We, therefore, can only find equanimity in the here and now. Without the routine internalization of ego’s murmured reminders of our insecurities, past injustices, perceived failures and human weakness, we open ourselves to life as the whole, tender, contemplative souls that we are at the core of our being.
Meditation helps ease us through the process. Taking the time daily to simply be, to consciously exist in the present moment acutely aware of the breaths that sustain us serves to ground us in our selves; in who we truly are in union with nature and our fellow human beings. With this ongoing practice we no longer feel separate but gradually begin to feel part of a larger whole. I will learn this practice.
I know all this, yet, I will struggle with this commitment. Anxious self-doubt and even denial will endeavor to erode my abstinence pledge. Ego loves a drinking habit. He reigns fully when our physical and emotional senses are obscured by the veil of substance use. We are easy to control when we are not fully conscious. It’s time to wake up, to remain alert and to feel again.
What is different this time? The knowledge I have accumulated from reading, listening and searching for understanding of my addiction combined with the honest acknowledgement of the fractured life I am living has pushed me to begin this earnest fight for my soul’s salvation. Others have gone before me, fought the good fight and won.
Why can’t I .....
Humbly,
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