I'm Guilty

[Breez]

I'm Guilty

b/c is short for because

sorry-my girlfriend does that to me all the time & i guess it's rubbing off

[tawnyfrog]

I'm Guilty

Elizabeth - I have no idea why you are so self-effacing. Your posts have been wonderful, rich and profound. The small insight into your life has proven to be fascinating and utterly stimulating

We are a mixed bag. You are a bush baby. There are other bush babies. We have ostriches and peacocks - even a few galahs. Some people are able to share their feelings instantly - others are reticent to divulge anything. The underlying, indisputable fact is that we are here and connected because we have/had a problem with alcohol.

I can understand why some people feel they don't 'belong'. As in my real (non-cyber) life, I am not usually a 'joiner'. I tend to be a fringe-dweller. I'm a fringe-dweller here too - connected to other fringe-dwellers and loving it.

So Elizabeth and Trixietrack ... we all belong ... if we want to.

Please, both of you - keep posting.

[amethyst]

I'm Guilty

Jambo! Elizabeth(is that correct?) It is funny, as I was reading from your first post of this thread, I was thinkin you are living magic. Then you used the term magicness, and it just confirmed what I was thinking. Your post did not offend me. Rather I was enriched by it, and it expanded my world just a wee bit. I have enjoyed getting to know just a tiny bit of your world and you through your posts. Please don't go. It is good for us to learn more about you and your world, and in return, we can offer support and companionship in this global fight against a common enemy-alcohol. It would be sooo boring around here if we were all the same.Hugs to you and support for your journey.

[happy2be]

I'm Guilty

I have to say that largely I have come to this site for purely selfish reasons. I drink too much and I would like to curtail and most likely stop!(moderation tends not to be in my make up). I am a white, Europrean women, well educated, good job, great family, with a problem. i am trying not to have that problem define who I am.
What I have to say in response to your post is that, I am humbled because in the cool light of day I do not have any clue how it must be to live and breathe and survive in Africa. The challenges I face seem miniscule by comparison and hence not really justifiable in your world.

Where I work in North America it is still (despite what they say) dominated by men but at least I have my say, plus I do think my say may be influental enough within our org.

I empathise but don't know what to do, practically to help. Let me know what you think would help, if nothing else we have a large group here that can come together and maybe, just maybe we could do something to effect change....at least we could try!

[gabby]

I'm Guilty

Please, please stay. People here....from everywhere is what makes this site whole. Please stay.
much love.....

[Elizabeth]

I'm Guilty

Hi Amethyst, the sun has risen and I must go sleep soon. I'm a night owl and create best at night. Gods knows why... its just the way I am! But must get some shut eye or I will loose 2 graphic contracts. I am no good at talking about things that hurt me, and my friends know this. But the other month when I was semi drunk I had the nerve to write my Dad an e-mail about how I felt. I was sensible enough to ask my ex, Tim who had come to stay for a week to check it out. He thought it was pretty potent and woooooop.... I pressed send and it was gone!

Well I freaked out the following day, because I, 'Miss Independent' had sent an e-mail to my father who had pretty much told me 25 years ago that if I wanted to renounce British citizenship to stay in Kenyan... I was alone. Dad went Awol when I handed in my Brit passport, corners cut off. Kenyan citizen I was born with and was proud of and could keep AS LONG as I renounce British. There was never any question of that and my step Mum backed me 100%. No one else did.

It was'nt just Mum's help and projection alone that made me fall totally in love and awe with her. She married my Dad (who by the way I love very much too) and she created a strong family base.

What I say now is very private and I have kept it to myself for many years, except for a few people. My step MUM, for some unbelievable reason decided that I was worth caring about. Me a wild Kenyan runt with a serious attitude - yet she was very, very clever because she sust out my true character within 2 minutes and she gaves me wings. Basically because she pushed me to succeed from the second she met me...to the end of her life. Mum (as I cal her) had just arrived with my baby brother in Kenya. You would not believe it, my Dad, Aunt, Uncle and older sister gave her hell and made her feel most unwelcome (it makes me cry now to talk about it). I crept into her room and she was crying, breast feeding my new brother. Not a soul looking after her. When she saw me I tried to run away and she cried out to me and said 'stay.' I walked into the room and held my new little brother for the very first time, he was so beautiful and I vowed to protect him. I did'nt ask my new Mum why she wanted me to be there, we kinda connected... with a never ending trust that would last our lives. From that moment it has been there.

I wish I could be strong and forget it but I can't.

I love Dad like you would not believe; he is one of those magic people, but it was Mum who from my earliest years crandled my beliefs, gave me wings when I had none. Picked me up when I was down, AND promised to be by my side and secretly helped me get back to Kenya when we knew Dad would go Ape Shit. With Mum's help I fullfilled my dream of being a photographer. Dad built me my first dark room (because he believed in me) but it was Mum who literally pulled me out of it in the early hours of the morning because I needed to eat! But the day came when I had to go back to MY ROOTS - Kenya.

I went to Kenya so proud. Mum had gone to Vienna for some concert but made a point of meeting me at the UK check in point, for a cheap Russian airline flight back to my destiation. Mum spent so much time arguing with the check in counter about accepting my guitar as hand luggage that we had little time to talk.

The next time I saw Mum was when she was dying. I know it is many yeras ago...but I made a promise to Mum that I would show her my Africa.

Everytime I take clients out in the bush, show them spoor and explain to them what had happened in the bush hours before I or they got there,, I think of Mum. I never did that with her...yet it is the one thing I had always promised her and I failed her. I'm 48 and really should be over this. I am bush tough and love my life, I just have soft centre, which I wish I did'nt!

I should erase this. My mum by birth, maturnal mum is SMSing me from Spain. Ever the gpysy like me but she is dying of cancer, full of morphin . You guys would not even believe it if Istarted to explain. I've got'a go. FUCK IT WHY CAN'T I BE A NASTY PERSON WHO DOES NOT CARE!!@@$%^*&*(+_|+|+__)*&%%@#@$^%^&__|+)q$%*&)(_|

[irishlady]

I'm Guilty

Elizabeth, what can I say... Well first of all that thread will not piss people off... You have opened up and let us have a glimpse of the real you, and what a wonderful loyal, strong and powerful person you are... I could feel all those qualities coming at me from the words you choose... I wish I had a friend like you, I wouldn't need anyone else.. Your love for your country is to be admired as is your loyalty...

All over the world today, in all spheres of life people talk with two faces, they say one thing and mean another, so few of the world leaders can be trusted.... To find someone like you, who speaks truthfully from the heart, well you are to be nurtured, cared for and made most welcome, don't you ever think of leaving as you are an important part of this place now and we can all learn so much from you...

Its up to you, but would you be willing to share some of your childhood memories in Kenya with us???? Or perhaps your teenage years?? The more we learn about other people and their culture then the more universal understanding we will have of each other.....

Once again, thank you for that wonderfully moving post,

Love, Louise xxx

[Popeye]

I'm Guilty

Elizabeth,
Thank you for your posts. They were wonderful.... in the true sense of the word.
I have another hero.

[rudemama]

I'm Guilty

Elizabeth,
It is 6 am on the NE side of the US. I am crying. You are so strong and I consider you a friend I think we joined MWO the same week, Keep coming here. What is a spoor? We all belong. Love to You Rudemama

[hereatlast]

I'm Guilty

elizabeth
you are truly an inspiration i feel so ashamed of my self for my stupid whinging i have so much. thankyou for making me see that god bless you
hugs

[gabby]

I'm Guilty

Elizabeth, I am glad you are here.