Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

[satori]

OK folks - I'm being REALLY selfish - Sorry - but I need to put this stuff down on paper (photons - whatever?) to help me get my head in the right place tonight.
I need to feel that someone out there is listening - I know you will forgive my ramblings.

I've been here nearly 4 months and have made amazing progress considering my history. I am VERY proud of what I have achieved so far - I would not have thought it possible.
I have been able to get my drinking under control and have got back to doing loads of exercise.
I am healthier, leaner, fitter and stronger than I have been for years.

Why is it then, after all this time, and having felt so good and so positive over the last few months, that I am starting to feel the old cravings starting up again.

I KNOW I do not want to go back to that place - so WHY is there a little voice in my head/gut that tells me I do?????

Thursday - I drank a couple of beers and a glass of wine when I had planned not to drink at all that day.
Friday I drank a couple of beers.
Because of the drinks I had on Thursday, that should have been it for the week, that was the plan!

But Oh no! - Saturday I had to pour myself a couple of glasses of wine and tonight a couple more of glasses of wine - and I am starting to feel the old desire to drink more than a couple!!
I DON'T EVEN PARTICULARLY LIKE WINE!!!

Now - considering what I used to drink - this is really nothing, and I have (so far!) been able to stop after a couple of drinks, but I feel like I am beginning to let it slip again.
I know if I pour that third or fourth drink, I will be back on the roller coaster again.

OK - so today Mrs Satori and I had a bit of a domestic "disagreement" - not anything to do with my drinking I might add - and the flames from that little skirmish are still smouldering right now I'm afraid. - the fallout from that is probably not helping as far as tonight is concerned - but I can't do this without her 100% support - and right now I do not have that.

SO - I am feeling very down tonight - and very tired of fighting this blasted addiction all the time - will there ever be a time when it will leave me alone so I can feel NORMAL???

I AM going to bed now - I will NOT have that third drink - this cr*p will NOT beat me.

Thanks for putting up with my bleatings.

Talk to you later

Satori

xxx

[irishlady]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori, i know that feeling well.. It's as if you have another person in your head urging you on to have just one more drink...

My theory is that its somehow your subconcious making a last ditch attempt to pull you off the path you have choosen, but the problem is that the more you fight the voice the more insistant it seems to get....

You have to somehow let the thought of drinking in but try to pay it no more attention than you would any other thought, don't attach any importance to it, just let it float through and away... Because after all that is all it is, just a thought that you have control over, you decide whether you are going to act on it or not...

If you argue with it, you feed it, if you let it through and ignore it, you starve it...

By the way, are you taking any kudzu for the cravings ?? I have found it to be a great help..

Wishing you all the best,

Love, Louise x

[sammys]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Hey Satori, vent away, and then vent more. You sound perfectly normal to me by the way and going through stuff which creates stress. Find your courage and use it OK.

I am here for you,
Sammys

[Chief]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Your not selfish

Hi Satori, It sounds like the beast is trying to slowly get you back under it's control. It's a devious bastard. It will wait silently in the wings until just the opportune moment and then start covertly putting little suggestions in your mind. When this happens to me I try to recognize it and sometimes I've even said " Well Hello Beast, you rat bastard, It's not going to work.. you may want a drink but I don't and I'm the only one that can put that bottle to my lips..." For me 1 is too many and 100 is not enough. I could never moderate. Go to bed and wake up tommorrow starting over. You don't want to go back there, the beast does. Good Luck to you, Chief.

[amethyst]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori, I agree with Irishlady. That which you resist, persists. The more I try to reason with myself, the more I want it. If I can train myself to always acknlowledge the craving, and as Irish said, let is pass through, the more progress I feel I can make. Get a good night's sleep, and enjoy the clear headed perspective when you awaken in the morning.

[Determinator]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori, first off I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

Exercise for the mind is a lot like for the body. What do you as an athlete do when your game is off? go back to the basics. Time for alcohol boot camp! take some time, couple weeks or whatever AF and find your focus again. Max out on the L-glutamine and other supps, get back on path with the misses, listen to the hypno etc.

there ya go, at the rate my doctor charges me that advice will run you about 160.00 USD$
ha! Cheers to you Satori for coming here BEFORE you blasted yourself into the hurt-locker!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lushy]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori, You have been an amazing inspiration since you started here. Keep at it, do not let alcohol win. Hope you had a good nights sleep and will be feeling refreshed and ready for more AF days in the morning......

[betty boop]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Hi Satori,

Feel free to vent .... that's what we are here for .....

I agree with Louise, the Kudzu works really well!!!!

Hope that you are well this morning!!!

[satori]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Hi folks,

Sorry about that - was feeling rather sorry for myself last night!

Didn't have a good nights sleep either - so although I an a bit tired today, a AM actually feeling a little better.

Irish - Thanks - you could have been ME giving that advice - I have practiced zen for years and KNOW I need to observe these thoughts passing by without getting caught up in them, I just cant sustain it 24/7 yet!!

Mrs Satori will eventually stop the "Frosty the Snowman" routine and life will get back to what I call normal I guess. The domestic was not really about anything that important - I will NEVER understand the female mind tho'!!!

Betty, Lushy, Determinator, amethyst, Chief,and sammys

Thanks for all support - It really helps - and it means a lot - I will get back on track - the fight must go on!!

I'm now officially "locked and loaded" again!

C'mon Demons - BRING IT ON!!!!!


Have a good day

Many thanks again - hope I can do the same for you guys some day!

Satori
xxx

[Beaches]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori,
Glad you are beating the demons and I know how frustrating they can be. You can actually feel them coming on and it takes all your willpower to beat them. You are doing it. Congrats, you must be feeling great because you sound so motivated. I love it!

[satori]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Hi Beachy

Not really motivated in an UP way right now - just gritting my teeth, digging my heels in and determined not to go back ......THERE!

Haven't beaten the Demons yet - but I aim to put up a hell of a fight!

See ya

Satori

xxx

[Lotus]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori

Sorry to hear you are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment.

I've found that I cannot go mods because I get this false sense of security that I can handle my drink but then can go back to being AF. As Irish said, you need to fight these inner voice. I find reading through my earlier post's help me reinforce why I wanted to stop drinking initially.

[satori]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Lotus;126408 wrote: Satori

Sorry to hear you are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment.

Hi Lotus - missed why you wanted a change of identity - but getting used to the mysterious blue new you already!
Nice Name by the way!

Actually as the day goes on, I am feeling a lot better - I guess i was just down last night.

I still think I can do this if I severely moderate - the last 4 months I have managed to stick to my two drinks on two nights of the week limit.
If I can do it for 4 months - why not for ever?
I just need a strategy for coping with life's little curve balls like stress and so on.

I WILL succeed - it may be a bit of a struggle at the moment - but I WILL!

By the way - I just answered a question you asked back on Betty's Hi all in UK / Scotland thread - missed it earlier!
Tho I'm not sure you want to know

Take care

Satori
(hiding behind desk in case of incoming!)

xxx

[Lotus]

Demons on the port bow! - ammo needed!

Satori:

I got the reply...not something I would miss!!! Hehehe

Mandy x