Talk about stress!

[ScoobyDoo]

My god... when will this stop!

My ex husband and I broke up nearly 6 years ago and still he is so cruel to me. He says the nastiest things imaginable in emails. The latest is that I am 'a crap mother' amongst other things.

The first 2 years after we broke up, it was amicable and we actually got along really well, and one day he just snapped (literally) and has treated me appallingly ever since. This was around the same time as he started dating his now-wife. Our son is now 8 and for the past year he refuses to visit his father on weekends because of the bad vibes he gets there. Our son is able to put it into words now and recognises that my ex is hell bent on trying to turn our son against me. It's horrible beyond words! I never say a bad thing about my ex to our son... in fact, I say good things about him (despite how he makes me feel).

I always take the high road and pretend that it doesn't get me down but BY GOD... It gets me SO down! He only emails once every few months but it's started again today. I really think he needs counselling or something to get over these issues he has against me. He believes his own lies about me. He really does think that I am a terrible mother.

Before divorce, I always wondered how on earth these ugly divorces actually came about and thought that should I ever find myself in that situation that it would never happen to me. It gets me down so much! I could reach for a drink, let me tell you... but I won't! I am not going to let him get the better of me, which is exactly what he wants. I think he would love nothing more than to see my groveling in a gutter somewhere. I just can't relate to this sort of anger on any level which is probably why it upsets me so much.

He really believes that I am a bad mother and that I don't do enough for our son... anything that he can dream up to justify what a dismal job I am doing, he will find it.

Our son was diagnosed with Semantic Pragmatic disorder (autism spectrum) just after we seperated. I have done all the hard work... taking him to all sorts of therapists... the list goes on and on, since he was 3. He is in mainstream school and although is at the bottom of the class, he is coping well and seems normal to the outsider (he just learns in a different way to other kids, and is a bit slower than his peers). My ex has been in denial about this all along and I guess feels that it's my fault that Chris has this disorder (which ironically is genetic disorder from the male gene). He has been emailing me all afternoon with the cruelest accusations and resents paying child support for our son, and accusing me of spending the money on myself. I've replied suggesting that if he is resenting paying child support this much then he can stop and Mick (my fiance) could adopt him. He has just replied now saying that he is open to this idea and is going to cease paying child support, so I am going to look into it.

It's horrible beyond words and I'm trying so hard not to cry.

[cassy]

Talk about stress!

Hi Scooby..just be very clear in your head that your ex has a real problem and is stuggling emotionally...its coming out sidewards in the form of a big UGLY TEMPER. all is not well in his life and he knows know peace otherwise he wouldnt be acting so emotionally.

Pat yourself on your back for how well you have managed to get some semblance of calm in yours and you sons life..and believe in yourself.

you can terminate the abuse from ex any time...no point trying to talk when somebody is raging on at you..keep calm for your sons sake..share your hurts with a friend.

Best ignore the negatives in the emails he sends...dont feed his anger by responding...The poor man is such an emotional mess!!!!Be glad you are away from him and plod on with your own self improvement and dealing with being a good mom

you sound a caring person and a great mom...so go believe it ant keep your distance emotionally from people like the Ex who destroy your peace of mind!!!

Good Luck

Regards Cassy

[AMELIA]

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Hi Scooby, sounds like a very painful complicated situation.

Your husband sounds like he's living in a mind full of hurt and is projecting that out onto you and your son.
People hit out and react in all manner of ways when they are in pain and feeling badly. He could still be feeling all sorts of things about the breakdown of your marraige and that he doesn't get to see his son as much as what he would like. He probably feels he is the failure as a husband and probably as a father and that is why he lashes out at you.

I would try and keep communications open. He is after all the father of your child and no matter what underlying issues there are, your son would probably really like to see his dad and to see all parties getting along.

Much easier said than done I know. I guess, the best thing you can do is try and rise above his outbursts and comments and try to see him as he may be: someone hurting and hitting out. If you go for a period of time without reacting to him, it may put the spotlight on his behaviour so that he begins to notice that it may be inappropriate and perhaps he may begin to change......

All the best
Amelia

[goingsobermum]

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Hi Scooby,
Your're a wonderfull Mum and don't forget that. Its your ex with a problem and not you. Could you set up your email program to send all his messages to the trash which is were they deserve to be? You don't need to be upset like that.

[mystical]

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I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with you're ex right now. I still haven't figured out why people who were once so dear to us and us to them can say such mean and cruel things.
He's probably just really unhappy in his life and has no one else to thrash that unhappiness towards.
So keep your head held high and remember, regardless what he says you're a great and loving mother.
Holly

[Guest]

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Oh Dooster, Its the global Men are asses week.I have been going through some things with my daughters husband. I know what you mean about your ex. My daughters ex (the marriage which produced my dear Grandson) Has re written history to suit him and make him the victim. First it was she left him for her high school sweetheart. (don't I wish,never happened) Now it she left him for the jerk she's married to now. even teaching the boy to call Noelle's current husband a homewrecker. A idiot the current one is but not a homewrecker he came 3 years after Noelle was divoreced. First husband who is great at running his mouth hasn't paid child support since the little boy has been born. Can you block your Ex's email. or just don't read it. It's going to cause you pain. I agree he must hate his own life, and your a very conveinent target. If you let him out of child support does he still get to see Chris? I'm glad little Chris has a good intuition about his Dad. Children know so much more than people realize. My honest guess is he see's you happy with a good future and it's eating him alive. I suggest we burn all the low life looser men at the stake. I'll Bring the firewood. You stay strong! your so much better than he is.
Smiles
mar

[Guest]

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Scooby, I listening to XM's 60's channel. They are playing your song. Scobby Scobby Doo where are you? we've got a job to do now. It's a sign woman, a positive sign. Doo did you read my post about seeing the "what would Scooby Do?" bumper sticker. I had to smile and think of you
Big Smiles for Scobby
Mary

[Lorelei]

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Scooby

I don't have any kids myself but I have worked with some people and currently have a family member who have gone through some nasty custody battles. My advice is not to delete the email but to archieve them for potential evidence in court. In the event your ex makes a play for custody the emails along with your sons testimony may help prevent him from gaining it. If you go in without the acutal emails it will be considered heresay and not admissable. Just make sure you don't spend time rereading them - he sounds like a jerk.

Remember always CYA!

-Lorelei

[mystical]

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Sounds like great advice!!! The ones that you don't think would ever take you to court usually are the ones who do. So I would print them out and save them as well.

Holly

[Guest]

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Lor & Mystic, your right, I was thing locally, emails don't usually count here in VA. (at least not in family court ,been there with the daughter during her custody battle). Wittnesses do. Scooby print them out stick them in a file somewhere. Just don't dwell over them. They will do nothing but bring pain. You know who you are. Don't let some looser tell you who you are.
lov
Mar

[gabby]

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More and Scooby, all three of us had the same husband. Man could I share some stories - ha ha. Scooby our divorces sound the same. We started out really good until I got a boyfriend. And now you should see it. OMG! I cant believe I still HAVE the boyfriend. Oh......and the names I get called. You would think I was the lowest piece of scum on the earth.
Man I can relate.

Maybe we could be pond scum together?

But dont drink! I still haven't!

[gabby]

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Scooby, I found a few of these old threads of mine.

Read "Ok.....Havin a rough time", and "My not so negitave self talk post".

Click on my name and click on all threads started by gabby and you'll find em there.

You wont feel alone then. :l

[wwbarb]

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Guess I get to join this club. My ex did the same thing. He finally got so whacked out that none of his children would have anything to do with him. We had a pretty nasty five or six years, with constant visits from CPS and the local police force. At one point, my son was removed from the house for a week because of his lies.

The best revenge is living well. Scooby, stay on the high road, do what's best for your son. In the states, at least in AZ, a father can't simply say I won't pay child support and I'll give up my parental rights; it's not quite that simple. I don't think the court system would get enough money if they didn't make you jump through enough hoops. You might want to see what your legal options are. We have "mediation" here. In my case, it was a joke. He just basically said what the councellor wanted to hear.

Good luck to you we're here to listen:h

[Guest]

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Barb, That is so true when, Noelle was divorcing; mind your her ex stayed away until the boy was 2. then he decided that was a fun age to start playing Daddy. he first took her to mediation. To work out visitation and child support .first the visitation came up and he and she worked through it then Child support came up he starting getting upset over the fact that he hadn't seen his son in 2 years he just couldn't go on. The mediator who was male pulled my daughter aside and said take it easy on him it's all been pretty tough on him. Wasn't he supposed to be neutral? So she left with no child support arrangement and he had visitation. when the divorce finally came around they worked it out between lawyers she gave him a low amount 300 a month to pay with no back child support. She has yet to see 1 dime. But she can't stop him from seeing the boy because in Va. the child visitation and child support go through two seperate systems. Here it is still a man's world It may depend on the judges; but in this small town. Men rule. F-ers
Smiles, because of you
Mary

[ScoobyDoo]

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Gals, thank you so so much! I read your replies on Friday night but didn't have time to post.

I have setup a rule in outlook so all his emails get dumped into a folder and I have printed them out and filed them.

I sent him a reply email last night and cc'd it to all my family members, for transparency sake. So he knows now that all the abuse he dishes out to me will be shown to others who will help protect me. Poor little Chris saw me crying on Friday night as I was showing my fiance all the emails., so I had to tell him that I was crying because of some mean things that his fater had said to me. This same thing happened 2 years ago on Christmas eve too! My poor little guy. I don't want him to think poorly of his dad. He doesn't want to see his father very much these days, and luckily his father has accepted that this is our sons decision to not go for weekends.

Gabby, I went back and read your threads... it's so painful and tiring isn't it. Truly soul destroying. No wonder I've suffered so much depression! I'm even thinking of going back on the Lexapro for a while.

I didn't cope so well with alcohol over the weekend. I really just wanted to blot it all out. I need to find an alternative way of dealing with issues like this as they arise instead of reaching for a bottle of wine. Anyway... back to my AF week and thank you so much for your support.

Moretolife, the penny has finally dropped with me and I can finally see that tis is just all about the money. How shallow some people can be.

Doo